I declined coming to the reunion. I sent my apologies to DOGNUTS. Moments like this I want to be alone. Arlene can always come over to my place for the New Year, nah but I aint going back to Gapo. I dont want to go trek a track of lies. I deserve better. DOGNUTS and I, we will always be friends, whatever time, space, condition.
I have too many regrets already, so what's another one.
I got the pics ... again they're all over the place. Tangible proofs of how a man I deeply cared about has been dishonest to his teeth. Sometimes I wonder the kind of truths he's gonna teach his sons :(. And I pity my daughter's daughters' daughters to cross path with his sons' sons and so forth. I'd be saying prayers and casting spells that day will never come.
I love him still though. And the most valuable lesson he has taught me was not about cooking his favorite dish ... but 5 months that felt like a lifetime of never ever to trust again. Never. No one.
Alone is better. Than betrayal.
... my other garden ;)
About Me
- Irma
- I'm not a graceful person. I'm not a Sunday morning or a Friday sunset. I am a Tuesday 2AM, I am gunshots muffled by a few city blocks, I am a broken window during February. My bones crack on a nightly basis. I fall from elegance with a dull thud, and I apologize for my awkward sadness. I sometimes believe that I don't belong around people, that I belong to all the leap days that didn't happen. The way light and darkness mix under my skin has become a storm. You don't see the lightning, but you hear the echoes.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
chasing waterfalls
You always tell yourself to take that direction
But not really getting there.
A pragmatic woman’s instinct never fails. Never fails me. From that Saturday’s across town and Sunday’s Post. Thank you Jesus for a week of labor camp, I got to break my back, hurt my sole, and lost sleep over something else.
I got everyone standing on their heads after I left. Jomat was like a little panic when I relinquished admins of our group :( … she got worried and pissed and went thru Cecile to get to you. She told me her intentions, I begged that she wouldn’t do that. Hoping she’d get her trade, for me to cut all ties.
So I said, invisible! I asked, what that fuck is this about? Two days before Black Friday and my life officially went pitch black.
I’m gonna get the capital punishment for this. This whore’s is getting stoned to death. This witch and her major relapse. Literally, they will just kill me for this.
Of replies that don’t get replied to. Another honest message collecting dust somewhere somebody’s inbox.
So it’s not working huh, those strawberry nails, fresh coffee in my fave mug, not even that burning lavender inside my room. They just don’t work anymore. Not anymore. Nah
Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit, even when you try to stop thinking about it, desperately in any which way you can, it’s stuck in your head and run in circles and don’t spare you even in your sleep.
… yung lalaking mahal ko, everyday is now coming home to his wife. Fulfill her dreams and build a life with her. And each night climb that bed and make love to her.
And what’s left of me is all but a broken puzzle, I still can’t put together.
Despite of all these, I only what him to be the happiest man that ever walked this earth. I know now that he is.
My tears.
They’re like waterfalls.
But not really getting there.
A pragmatic woman’s instinct never fails. Never fails me. From that Saturday’s across town and Sunday’s Post. Thank you Jesus for a week of labor camp, I got to break my back, hurt my sole, and lost sleep over something else.
I got everyone standing on their heads after I left. Jomat was like a little panic when I relinquished admins of our group :( … she got worried and pissed and went thru Cecile to get to you. She told me her intentions, I begged that she wouldn’t do that. Hoping she’d get her trade, for me to cut all ties.
So I said, invisible! I asked, what that fuck is this about? Two days before Black Friday and my life officially went pitch black.
I’m gonna get the capital punishment for this. This whore’s is getting stoned to death. This witch and her major relapse. Literally, they will just kill me for this.
Of replies that don’t get replied to. Another honest message collecting dust somewhere somebody’s inbox.
So it’s not working huh, those strawberry nails, fresh coffee in my fave mug, not even that burning lavender inside my room. They just don’t work anymore. Not anymore. Nah
Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit, even when you try to stop thinking about it, desperately in any which way you can, it’s stuck in your head and run in circles and don’t spare you even in your sleep.
… yung lalaking mahal ko, everyday is now coming home to his wife. Fulfill her dreams and build a life with her. And each night climb that bed and make love to her.
And what’s left of me is all but a broken puzzle, I still can’t put together.
Despite of all these, I only what him to be the happiest man that ever walked this earth. I know now that he is.
My tears.
They’re like waterfalls.
Friday, November 25, 2011
...a suitcase full of Regrets ...
… the things I regret in my little sweet life …
1) … not letting you hold my little hand a little longer, and not knowing it fits perfectly with your little hands, too .... and how good it felt to being holding hands with my most favorite kid in KES
2) … and not even having a good memory about that momentous event in our lives …
3) … obeying my mother … and instead stayed a little longer .. and gave you more time to tell me about that itsy bitsy feelings of yours …
4) … and passing the chance to tell you our address in Kessing …
5) … and not insisting to attend high school in Columban even when they were putting me in section 9 even after doing well in their Entrance Exams …
6) … 4 years of studying away from you at Jackson High (but don’t regret tat part… where I found DOGNUTS!)
7) …and … and considered suitors … and eventually falling in love with Sophie’s dad … at 13 arrgggghhhh
8) … and … and … not paid attention on that tune up game between our school's soccer teams … especially when our classroom was closest where you were having your practice ....
9) … paid no attention again … on that chanced meeting at Ocampo’s (which I don’t recall again)
10) … got too serious with my first relationship …
11) and .. and got engaged at 18 …
12) … and left Gapo jusz before I was 23 …
13) … and got blinded with blietzkrieg life in that big City …
14) … and got really really bad stubborn …
15) … and lost myself …
16) .. and got married ahead of you …
17) … seeing you again after 30 years ...
18) ... when distance is soothing
silence becomes your lover
when absence grows a heart ponder
you make love with loneliness
then destiny is just a concept.
19) ... i was in tears while decidin'. i never agreed that destiny is a decision we make. that's why it's called destiny ~~~ somethin' beyond us. so that road away from fate that's the choice we make.
i guess that was the part that made me cry.
20) 30 years … and you still in my heart …
21) … when it’s no longer feasible …
22) … and when it’s no longer mutual.
(the closest time I got to you ... superlatively tried to protrude my face ... so youd still find me from a row a part .... so the closest thing ... was what ... a bit of your hair ... some of your hair ...)
1) … not letting you hold my little hand a little longer, and not knowing it fits perfectly with your little hands, too .... and how good it felt to being holding hands with my most favorite kid in KES
2) … and not even having a good memory about that momentous event in our lives …
3) … obeying my mother … and instead stayed a little longer .. and gave you more time to tell me about that itsy bitsy feelings of yours …
4) … and passing the chance to tell you our address in Kessing …
5) … and not insisting to attend high school in Columban even when they were putting me in section 9 even after doing well in their Entrance Exams …
6) … 4 years of studying away from you at Jackson High (but don’t regret tat part… where I found DOGNUTS!)
7) …and … and considered suitors … and eventually falling in love with Sophie’s dad … at 13 arrgggghhhh
8) … and … and … not paid attention on that tune up game between our school's soccer teams … especially when our classroom was closest where you were having your practice ....
9) … paid no attention again … on that chanced meeting at Ocampo’s (which I don’t recall again)
10) … got too serious with my first relationship …
11) and .. and got engaged at 18 …
12) … and left Gapo jusz before I was 23 …
13) … and got blinded with blietzkrieg life in that big City …
14) … and got really really bad stubborn …
15) … and lost myself …
16) .. and got married ahead of you …
17) … seeing you again after 30 years ...
18) ... when distance is soothing
silence becomes your lover
when absence grows a heart ponder
you make love with loneliness
then destiny is just a concept.
19) ... i was in tears while decidin'. i never agreed that destiny is a decision we make. that's why it's called destiny ~~~ somethin' beyond us. so that road away from fate that's the choice we make.
i guess that was the part that made me cry.
20) 30 years … and you still in my heart …
21) … when it’s no longer feasible …
22) … and when it’s no longer mutual.
(the closest time I got to you ... superlatively tried to protrude my face ... so youd still find me from a row a part .... so the closest thing ... was what ... a bit of your hair ... some of your hair ...)
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
mellow hallow twenny eleven
Oh, good morning sweet little rose
what are you doing here
so late in the year
Shut up you freak
I'm not sweet
I have thorns
my needles to life
my sweet revenge
your life depends
NOW get in the kitchen
brew my poison
what I crave
with my last breath
I'll be at your grave
1-part crap from an old hairy butt
1-part intestines from any human's gut
1-part squirmy toad tail
1-part beastly toenails
1-part mushy rice
1-part poltergeist
1-part blood straight from your veins
1-part sugar grains
stirred not shaken
straight up
I'll waken
Halloween night
kids will pass by
MY! MY! MY!
The tricks I know
are straight from the master
guaranteed to cause disaster
I'm red
I'm alive
I'm big and bent
my thorns are hid
I'll see you in the graveyard
KID
*** new found from Ms. L Leland (The Retched Rose)
...enjoying my vacation with my little miss ... shopping and scary movies overload ... we have purple candles for tomorrow ... and white 2 inches for me ;) ...
here are some of my fave pictures of today (neatly tucked in albums, The Witching Hour featuring a hyperactive Zombie Santa and a mellow momma ... and @ Sophia Clarisse ( a homage for my darling daughter) ... at random ...
what are you doing here
so late in the year
Shut up you freak
I'm not sweet
I have thorns
my needles to life
my sweet revenge
your life depends
NOW get in the kitchen
brew my poison
what I crave
with my last breath
I'll be at your grave
1-part crap from an old hairy butt
1-part intestines from any human's gut
1-part squirmy toad tail
1-part beastly toenails
1-part mushy rice
1-part poltergeist
1-part blood straight from your veins
1-part sugar grains
stirred not shaken
straight up
I'll waken
Halloween night
kids will pass by
MY! MY! MY!
The tricks I know
are straight from the master
guaranteed to cause disaster
I'm red
I'm alive
I'm big and bent
my thorns are hid
I'll see you in the graveyard
KID
*** new found from Ms. L Leland (The Retched Rose)
...enjoying my vacation with my little miss ... shopping and scary movies overload ... we have purple candles for tomorrow ... and white 2 inches for me ;) ...
here are some of my fave pictures of today (neatly tucked in albums, The Witching Hour featuring a hyperactive Zombie Santa and a mellow momma ... and @ Sophia Clarisse ( a homage for my darling daughter) ... at random ...
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