Él simplemente no es tan en me

Mimi Tanner’s harder on us. She crushed our hearts like tomato, it feels like she wants a catsup factory from our RBCs LOL. Greg, my Greg, our lovable Mr. Behrendt… harder with his tribe :). Throwing short straight punches, critical to the soul, but still tells us how beautiful we are, and deserve no less than wonderful :)

We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they’re behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, rather than one explanation that’s the truth: he’s just not that into me.

"We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don't mean. We make promises we don't keep. "I'll call you." "Let's get together." We know we won't. On the Human Interaction Stock Exchange, our words have lost almost all their value. And the spiral continues, as we now don't even expect people to keep their word; in fact we might even be embarrassed to point out to the dirty liar that they never did what they said they'd do. So if a guy you're dating doesn't call when he says he's doing to, why should that be such a big deal? Because you should be dating a man who's at least as good as his word."

"If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fcking phone call."

"Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside."

"big plans require big action"

No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

"A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the
woman he loves"

Having said all these, straight from the horse’s mouth … There are 4 major factors that are significantly present here. Too much distance, the lack of communication, faith as much as love, too little.

Honey Ko

I remember last night, after work, my train’s last and fast, a little rain, there was me slicing myself, tasting my own blood … I took those steps slower, heavier, anywhere but not home.

I was writing this, and slipping away ...

Not my balliwick. Not my favorite sport. Not an area of expertise, I have no proper training here. I lack the skills sets. This is definitely my waterloo. The mathematics of my life. Yes I remember too, saying that prayer, I was specific but missed on that. Who wants a giant airspace anyway getting in between two lives already spent apart for the last3 decades. I am afraid of that huge chunk of space. It looks to me like a battleground. My poor bullet riddled heart captive behind enemy lines. And that massive body of water, it feels like a sunken cemetery. My ugly carcass buried, decayed and forgotten. Funny, this certified claustrophobic now painfully suffers from agoraphobia, too. I’m afraid this time and space, and now silence and absence, will make narrow what used to be wide. Mind and understanding. Will make the once secured hearts unstable and jealous. Turn lofty plans into false promises. And this love to a pile of lies. Then we continue to walk this earth. Wearing a broken smile. All dolled up with fake happiness. Sleep around. Sleep alone. Embracing sadness and just waiting for our time to go. A beautiful memory of an innocent past thrashed. Mystic unraveled. Our flame dies in this lifetime.

Having said that ...

There are many things I hold sacred in this new lease.

Feelings. They are for real. Yes it was stagnant for a long time. But June 19 changed all that. After Sophie, this is the next best thing that ever happened to me in 14 years. It made me happy for real.

So real that it made me wanna risk again. I am placing my bet again. I’m betting on you. I gave up on this a long time ago. But I wanna make it with you again. That’s something else for an untrusting cynic like me.

Whatever outcome I get from this lease, I will try to find comfort and joy to that fact that you were mine at least for a time. You will always be that kind of love that takes a very special place in my heart. You will always be a beautiful memory. I want it to stay that way. I chose to keep it that way.

You are God’s blessing to me. God must have love me that much, He gave me you for the second time around. Having you back in my life feels so good, no matter how much complications and imperfections we are facing right now. I cannot foretell the future for us, sometimes the distance between us takes over the both of us, eats up the best in us, but each time I try to bring myself back to God’s cradle, and I am grateful again to Him for bringing us back together again.

We will never lose each other anymore. I will just be right here, exactly where you found me … I was just hoping may be just may be you could have stayed a little longer. Linger with me.

And nah, we didn’t go full throttle, and waited 30 years for nothing.

I’m not throwing all these away.

one sky

It’s true that this is my leap of faith. I’m only human, I get side-tracked from time to time. This morning I got paranoid. Honey, I'm sorry about that. And that little bad lie was really because I was angry at myself, frustrated, helpless ... I was sulking like a child. I was being a brat! May be it’s the distance. Definitely it’s the distance again. I suck!

I get drowned by sadness too much, sometimes ... thinking it will take a long stretch of time(or sometimes I jusz don't ...) before we see other again after 3 long decades of separate journeys … but then we have lived and still living under the same sky di ba … and aint this the 6th time we’re meeting, having each other … and that the last five were all consummated.

So even when I have to use up all my buffer stock of pixie dusts, in a heartbeat, Hun … you’d be wakin’ up with me on the other side of your bed, exactly as we planned, my head on your shoulders, and you can touch my hair alright :), your hands fitting perfectly with mine, and certainly we can kiss and make love anytime, all the time.

(Minus the momentary paranoia,) I so love being in love with you Hun.

The first 30 days spell W O N D E R F U L.

the Tragedy of two halves

Puccini’s Madame Butterfly tells the story of the American Lieutenant Pinkerton and his contract marriage to Butterfly, a trusting fifteen-year-old Japanese girl. Two souls = two halves. Their Eastern and Western cultures represent both the masculine and feminine polarities of "dual burn" as well as the gulf that separates souls who have not yet balanced their karma and must endure the pain of separation as a result.

Pinkerton, a man hardened by the world, has lost the sense of the purity of true love. Although he is attracted by the beauty and charm of Butterfly, he deliberately plans to desert her for an American wife. However, Pinkerton and his Japanese bride do share intense moments of love—their souls uniting as one flame commemorating their original wholeness in God. And the fruit of this union is the conception of a child—a symbol of their great love.

But the Lieutenant is ignorant of this development and blinded by his own selfish desires. He goes home to America leaving Butterfly trusting in his eventual return.

Pinkerton does return, several years later—with an American wife. In her grief at this desertion by her true love, Butterfly takes her life.



Tonight I’m saying a prayer.
I need a balm for this melancholy

I’m afraid of these tendencies
of shutting down
and fading away
a coward’s version of falling out.

Lemonade's not working like it should.
Hot choc'late is going cold.


I'm slipping into coma ...

Dear God, are you there?