Fave lines on Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream

"You spotted snakes with double tongue,
Thorny hedgehogs, be not seen;
Newts and blind-worms, do no wrong,
Come not near our fairy queen."
A Midsummer Night's Dream, 2. 2


The iron tongue of midnight hath told twelve;
Lovers, to bed; 'tis almost fairy time.
A Midsummer Night's Dream, 5. 1


"So we grew together,
Like to a double cherry, seeming parted,
But yet an union in partition.
Two lovely berries moulded on one stem;
So, with two seeming bodies, but one heart."
A Midsummer Night's Dream, 3. 2


The lunatic, the lover, and the poet
Are of imagination all compact.
A Midsummer Night's Dream, 5. 1

A poet's, a reader's, a gYpsy's saddest ...

Pablo Neruda's Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her void. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.


Shiela Marie's

I know how hard it is to write...
When your heart is broken apart...
Especially in a blank paper so white...
When you know that the one you love whom you are apart...
Is residing in the arms of another...
Which is supposed to be your arms and shoulder...
Thus, if you can write the saddest lines..
You must've truly loved her all this times...

Mine's

… such a tearful night, knowing nothing has changed between us ... amongst us. Death with a broken heart. Us.

My 2010 Merry Christmas Week

ITSED Reunion. Jhons and Mykee’s grand blow-out for winning the SPRINTS. Met up with Jen at MRT GMA Kamuning Station. Must say I was so stressed prior to that. I finished and submitted three major reports. And that was my last day of work before Christmas. We were at CITEM by 7 PM. Wala pa si driver Honey, Makati traffic was such a pain in the ass. I decided to go ahead so we can reserve a table at Gerry’s Grill. That week was major, major party week for everyone so I bet (and was right), even on a Tuesday, restos were full. What can I say, rare night out with Lani Gel, Bentut on phone patch, Nettchii was late hump bumawi naman sa “slightly used” :), Baes and her Pedro, Anakish and Mike now getting into a little PDA, galing pa din mangalakas ni Flororita hahah, si Honey jobless pero may bagong CRV nakanang! … super hina-hunting si Wenggay para magpahula, Jen, teary-eyed, and me jusz plain HAPPY. By midnight, kiddos wanted to have Starbucks, changed their minds really quickly, and proceeded to Music Bank instead. That was one expensive “song and dance”. But that was one “worth the money” night. We closed down Music Bank at 4 AM. Darnnnnn the songs you sing, they kinda give you away for major major bloopers, and blunders, alaskahan to the maxxxxxxx arrggghhhh



Clowning around with my ol' ITSED family


Something almost busted my bubble at CITEM. Thank God, there was too much happiness in the air. Days like that you just cant ruin easily.

I got Jen’s gift. Me so adoring it.




I’d say, here we go again, another crack at it, a premonition of things to come, of what I wanted to do all these times, but can’t. “The Relaks, Puso Lang Yan, Malayo sa Bituka Planner 2011”. Mabuhay ang mga WITTY! …for they will save the world. ;) One of my favorite pages there, “Ang Fill In The Blanks Love Letter” (Para sa mga pusong galit, iniwan, niloko, pinaasa, pinagpalit sa balingkinitan ang katawan, sinabihang “hindi kita mahal,” “pangit ka.” “it’s not you, it’s me,” na ang tanging kasalanan lang naman e umibig ng tapat: Punan ang mga patlang ng mga salitang akma sa inyong nararamdaman gamit ang pulang tinta.

One of love’s greatest satire. I’m posting it tomorrow. Argggggg

We got our 16th month. I have a brand new two-door frost free fridge. A little bit senti as I gave away my first ever Kelvinator ref who was jusz about the age of Sophie, 13. My garden set’s home, basking under the Cavite sun, some afternoon rain, fresh air and the big blue sky. A pair of strawberry earrings Sophie bought online ( hehehe online shopper na si Sophie). And a new pair of purple pants, too yipeeeeeee.

I hosted noche Buena again. Carrots cooked the carbonara. Sophie and I did the fruit salad. Too many wines and beer lights. The three little boys were oh so rowdy. My heart-to-heart talk with Frankie. Well again we have to be forgiving to the elderly. Hayyyy some things in my family just wont change, wont seem to go away hayyyy All the househelps were on “Christmas vacation” leave, I woke up the next day with a sore foot and a broken back.

We spent early Christmas morning at the Memorial. A bouquet of red roses. And lots and lots of pictures and videos of Sophie and the boys.


Lolas' fave girl chillax!


Wild boys! Nero, Russ and Ian

Thanks to all my friends for Mr. Australia’s new pix.

You asked if what my friends are doing is helping me. I asked if your friends and you stalking me is helping you. Quits lang tayo. We have to make the best of what we have. Sometimes, am not sure anymore if that’s good or bad. But me I dont give a damn!

Last Wednesday, I sad goodbye to irmavanta.blogspot.com. It was such a give away for a blog address so partly it was my fault for a careless, unsuspecting thought that in this infinite highway of information lurks the meanest of the mean, the hard-calloused hearts, fungus faces, the yellows and the green-eyed monsters.

Endings and new beginnings they always come in pair. While I still mourn for the loss. I have to rejoice, for the quick-thinking me (and my supportive friends!) … this Witty saving the world … welcome aboard, mypixietales.blogspot.com!

Tell

... but I ain't telling which ones ;)




... reach for me la la la la means I Love you >:d<



... twist the cap ... and open up ;) ... and i'm telling you :-*

My Year in Status - - - my 1st vavavoom year in Facebook

11 DOGNUTS (running complete)
68 CITEM
18 Homeys
my darling Sophie (always pouting ;))
a handful from Grade School
a few from college
and a hundred plus more from
high school batches 85, 86, 87!
countless messages, in my mailbox and in my wall
27 albums
- my Profile Picture (sometimes me, sometimes Heather, currently Hilda)
- IrMa (all about me, me, me .... random images of me, me, me)
- my Bucket list (the desires of my heart ... easy and long term, of childhood and midlife dreams ;), attainable and pfffft!)
- things I ♥ (a rundown of my personal favorites)
- lovelace (anything seX and seXy arrgghhhh .... uuhmmm artistic)
- tWo (... my favorite number ... this gallery shows you why ;))
- ...life begins (that day i turned 40)
- Salamanca (my lovely hotel at Dumaguete City ... just a personal fave of me and Bok Wenggay, and all the mundane things around the house we want to have for ourselves)
- gurls I heart! (I am bisexual! hahaha)
- my harem (my boys --- Johnny, Matthew, Legolas, Dermot, Diego, Mayer, Joshes (Leonard and tadahhh ....) Groban.
- piXies, wiccis, gypsies, butteflies (my love for these special creatures of God)
- suspended animation (my love for cartoons :))
- my "cheesecake: farm ;) (an evidence of my once addiction to Farmville)
- A Tribute Page: All about Hilda (and Duane Bryers!)
- Sophia Clarisse (a tribute page to my one and only girl)
- MoM (a tribute page to my mother)
- my Homey (Tita Marie, Roray, Ericson, Lem, Egay, Carrots, Franco, Jon Mark, Melujean, the Layco girls of BFRV, the in-laws)
- the next generation (an adorable variety of pampangkins :)
- True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare (A Tribute page to DOGNUTS ... pages of 27 years of friendship and more :)
- Bok and Allan's 3rd anni (my 1st job as official photographer hahaha)
- ma ol' CITEM crew (faces of my good old friends from the Center for International Trade ...)
- the past life (... and my own life that was)
- cold case! (my primary suspects from Jeff, Papeng, arf arf hummmm)
- Baby love (all the stuff I got for Danes but never had to the chance to give on those many birthdays, christmases, valens, halloween I missed, and him spent with someone else :( :()
- For your eyes only (a few stills between me and Bok, between me and Jen, between me and ... ang plantsa, ang sofa, Eres tu, and pader, ang great AHIMA 2006 report, ang breast exposure (of brown CUP B nipples) goshhhhhhhhhhhhhh
- MDLU (this man i love, but is in love with someone else, and getting married January 8 :( :( :( ... photos curt'sy of my paparazzi, sherlock holmes, robinhood friends :))

Salamat Po

So many wonderful things, big and small, trivial and important to be thankful of. This week.

1) First round of blood test was A-OK. Second round is in my prayer list. Officially, today, Dr. Jason declared my “lifelong” medication. And because of that, God blessed me with a year-round of medical benefits from my office. :) God already made provisions, two years before I needed it. God’s faithfulness is so immeasurable indeed.

I have new prescription for painkillers ... I hope it works. Duhhhhh, it's been like 2 hours since I've taken it ... there's no effect ... early stage ... gimme that morphine! :)

2) Having said that, I know, too that I wasn’t really a good girl this November :(. The flesh has been weak, I succumbed from time to time. If it’s a disease, its recurring. If it’s an addiction, it’s relapse. :(

But certainly, always better that my past life. Better is a good word. Meaning this gYpsy has leveled up. :)

3) Been a little helpful with friends who badly needed help. It’s almost Christmas, I don’t like to see broken hearts splattered all over my doorstep or empty tables and penniless pockets. My mother’s generosity, of emotions and otherwise, runs in my veins. Sometimes it hard. But that’s a better predicament than the other way around.

To Moda, Jen, Ellen, Paweng Allan and Thelms … every morning, during my Quiet Time, I seek for God’s comforting hands to be placed upon you.

I thank God for giving me a capable hand and a willing heart to help. I thank God for being powerful and faithful to take care of all of us, all at the same time, all the time.

Isn’t that great?!

4) My vacation’s all set. All ironed-out since last week. In fact, I was offered an extension until early January 2011. I begged off. In fact, I offered to take an event outside Metro Manila. Somewhere farflung. Month long. Or may be, I can just disappear from the face of the earth like a melted salt. And come back to life, a different person (again).

5) After a succession of events for the last two months, this week, I was back to migrating my albums from Friendster to Facebook. My target date remains the same, closed and gone, by 31st of December 2010. :(

FB is rolling out its new profile … I just got it yesterday, this platform is just way too fast for me, hard to cope … so I PMed Ronnie a message, me in panic mode ….

SUBJECT: helpppppp
ronsssss, bakit ganun sa new profile ng FB, I cant find na my old postings of youtube videos, dati nasa link lang yun eh boohoo ... help

(gee wiz … am still one hell of a uselesz hag!)

If there's anything good at this roll-out ... a not-so-new- pic from MyFF ... MFI April 2010, her last :( ... a picture taken by her ... of her Ate Nena's Kuya Tintoy, "and poging si Sir Mark :)" hala ...





:(



6) Today, Saturday, bonding shopping with my girl. Too many new pair of shoes already, so this morning I got her K-Pop ;) something from Von Dutch. Got a little something na din for Bujon and Tita Marie, Soph’s Kris Kringle, Bossing’s :), Ms DDJ and MCT ;). I particularly like my gift for Ms Marl. I planned to get one for myself, too … keeping my fingers crossed, hoping the price will still go down :)

We had lunch at Chef d’Angelo. We were like over-fed pork chops hahaha

I remember one time at the resto, Rob Manila … good old peaceful days … back then when it was still a secret … (sigh sigh sigh) ... Ellen's right, I should not have admitted my feelings, and let this heart die in privacy rather than amongst a den of lions feasting on my poor, helpless cardiac muscle. Darnnnnnnn!

7) Speaking of shopping and Christmas, I think am almost done with my list. For nephs, cousz (except Frankie), Bok, Anakish, MyPiayaya, MyFayeFaye, Mawes, Jen (except the girls and the boy), I ordered pa (from GMA’s Coop) for Mykee’s and Ronnie’s, inaanaks (konti lang naman), and Soph’s ……….. as planned and agreed with her Dad, starting when she turned 13, all our gifts to her will be some sort of an investment also. On her last birthday (13th), we gave her a pair of two-toned (white gold and gold-gold) butterfly (my favorite!) earrings (which I am wearing right now hehehe … I mean … all the time). This Christmas, we got her a bit expensive necklace and pendant (4-clover leaf, rare huh) in pure white gold :).

So may be next week, after the December bonus, I can complete my list, and do some shopping for myself :). Like Nenuco cologne is getting elusive these days. Am trying Landmark Trinoma on Monday. Me not giving up. Nah … not me! And my garden set. Another couch. Wii ... hummmm

8) So what was my treat for myself this week? Uhmmmm, am currently wearing rose painted toes on a freshly scrubbed, blushing pair of heels, my locks on V cut again, my brows neatly trimmed, and I’ve got bewitched on my face ;)

I have a really good discovery. A pair of baby pink Wake Crocs, expensive but worth it. My feet have been a killer lately, my Crocs been very very helpful these days. Uhhhmmm whatelse, for a bargain price, I got a pair (last pair @ Landmark Trinoma), of this really cutesy bitsy cork wedge … in purple!

So Monday, am coming back there hopefully for a bottle of Nenuco and my really nice digital art nails ;) (too bad there was none in MOA, I wanted for Sophie and I to spend some time in a nail spa, but I prefer computerized than manual … so it’s jusz gonna be mommy for the meantime. So this mommy is super eggcited about Monday)!

9) Ooopppsss, am done with Margaret(cute read tat waz) … Now I know better why Sophie was very much into this one. It was very much like us. We're jusz a little upgradely dysfunctional, placed by God, and thriving :) in a very pretentious society that is.

Saturday morning on the way to SM MOA, I started with Kate Allenbaugh’s Chocolate for a Woman’s Heart … “77 Stories of Inspiration to Life Your Heart and Sooth Your Soul” …

10) … and I’ve got a lovely spread of butterflies on my bed. Here …














*This Friday was overspent at the hospital. Bok left for Bicol for her mother-in-law :(. I have a Liquidation Report to get going. And a really tired body that needed honest-to-goodness rest.

So I had to excuse myself this last Friday, from MyPiayaya and the rest of my crew. I couldn’t even promise coming Wednesday, EMD’s party (lousy as it may be, I belong to that boot camp now … so ….). Doctor Jason needs me back very urgently for the second round, so ….

How about this coming Friday, last Friday before Christmas eve? A tower of blue margarita, and I bet, loads and loads of kwento about the now famous CITEM’s Christmas Parteeehhhh.

17th December. Ahuh.

a little bit loss, a bloody big mess

Springkies sez:
Airports are such strange places.
They're a place for waiting, for rushing, for laughing, for crying, for leaving, for coming, for going, for reuniting, for departing, for resting, for working, for staying awake, for falling asleep, for hopes to take off or touch down ...
the things that happen to people in an entire lifetime can happen in one day at an airport.
They're a place for everything.

This Black Fairy gYpsy sez:
I was back at tat small airport again last weekend, with my team, Eu and Ken. The kids were busy with their berries, I was same with Thank God a smaller laptop this time. So I heard this song playing as PR158 was touching down.

Scouting for Girls ;), ahuh.

Untitled

My physical strength was giving away. Traffic is really bad on Saturdays. My flight was JIT but ...

I took 8 DVDs form the shelf. All overnight. Today I still have 2. Am watching one as I write. Soph's complaining, I owe her all the penalty :)

Easy Sundays. Waking up from my Saturday dream. And remembering it really really well. Parang videoke lang, we were walking and walking ohhh sooo endlessly. We stopped, you stopped to pick little pieces of anything along the way. Sometimes I thought they were garbage. Sometimes I thought how sweet of you to pay attention to little details like that. We got tired. And sat comfortably on a bench. My head rested on your shoulders. Your fingers stroke my hair. You lift my chin from time to time to give me little tender kisses. We got to our hotel. And there was blitzkrieg. :)

Yesterday Monday was my day off. I went shopping the whole time with cousz Carrots.

Tuesday today, got up early but still late for work. Everyone in Marketing was busy for kris kringle. Lunch with Ca at Trinoma was called off. Payback time with Smart and Canon who owe me big time :). I have back log cell charges. UCPB cheque for encashment. Liquidation Report. Optical and medicine reimbursement. Post-prod work. Am in-charge of the December Accompli arrggghh. Hummm, and tat One-on-one heart-to-heart with staff.

Wednesday's coop shopping for Christmas fettucine, fruit salad and Ronnie's GMA jacket.

Thursday fasting.
Friday morning blood tests. CITEM cheque in the afternoon.
Hopefully ... but then ...

***

Management offered to extend my vacation until after New Year's eve. I said No. Am skippin’ January 2011 anyway.

A daily serving of Cheesecake!

A little something from JSC, our former Brand Manager for IT Services, whom I had a long, and very good working relationship since the first e-Services @ the PTTC 10 years ago.

My Seven Daily (some time Deadly) Pleasures
(arranged chronologically based on order of occurrence ;) … as a matter of factly … of my delicious cheesecake life:) )

1. My Quiet Time … MY Daily Devotion … an early morning PEP talk with God (even when I haven’t brushed my teeth or combed my hair). It is certainly a pleasure to start the day with a prayer.

2. Bus ride from Dasma Bayan to MRT Pasay Taft (although some used to be painful) … this is when and where I take my luxury sleep … after a brief interlude with my book (me currently reading Are you there God, It’s me, Margaret) … and my IPOD on … another 2 hours of golden slumber is such a bliss.

3. In between my day, I get sweet, thoughtful messages from far away, long-time friends. Friendship when real, genuine is indeed a blessing. Each morning when I talk to God, I make sure I give thanks for such a gift.

4. After Office. I look forward coming home … to my daughter … to my friends. Evenings are beautiful when you are surrounded by people you love and loves you in return. :)

5. Shower! Jusz before 40 winks … such a delight! (clean water from my sunflower shower and my usual ritual of facial night moisturizer, eye cream, leave-in night serum on my long wavy locks ;), Johnson baby powder and lotion all over, baby powder scent petroleum jelly on my feet, tadahhhh and a splash of Denenes/Nenuco/Babe Bench’s Ice mint or Bubblegum)

6. There really is no substitute sweetener for my “lambingan” bedtime moments with Sophie. We have a new … a little bit pricey bed ;) … on a veneer wooden box in black coffee ;) … how lovely it is to doze off and get dreamy in one sweet tight embrace.

7. This online journal. The pleasure I get from writing … the pleasure of knowing that you’re listening … knowing that you have been reading. My pleasure.

Facebookin' jusz before my flight from the Land of Shugah babe ;)

Facebook Shout Out 5 minutes ago:

My hotel room. My shopping. My bottle of wine. My little bed. A table for two, Me and my handcarry stuff. Sitting quietly in a small airport with fresh hot choc'late, a bottle of coke lyte, this laptop, nice easy listening, Hinder's Lips of An Angel. I'm so used to being Alone. I love it (I dunno if that's good or bad) :). Am not sure how far I'm going to last. But it's been five years ...

Attraversiamo

Another down, another one to go next week. It was almost perfect until the score sheets hayyyy … I was texting Jen just before my take-off yesterday afternoon. I was ranting about …. Moments like this, I so miss mah ol’ team ITSED. Hayyyy But I learned to count ‘em by the number … two down, two more left. One day soon, I will be back in the arms of old crew;)

I was strutting KCC supermarket for some rush props shoppin’, pipe-in music lazily playin’ one of Dido’s Life for Rent. Loveeetttt! I now realized how much I have come to adore Dido’s music, and how my Dido playlist has grown over the years. I used to have three (plus Enya’s ;)) . Now I have added two, funny, the twists, funnier, the connections … I am sharing them here now, for kind strangers' listening pleasure.





And while I’m enjoying my sweet sunny yellow toe nails, my anti-stress green mud pack cracking up on my face, me happy with my expensive fair of new pair of lens on my “vintage” orange frame … I remember getting a little sentimental Friday nyte. Somebody turned 42 that day, and I didn’t have nuff cash for an overseas call, limited inspiration and afraid not finding the right words for a poem, my fondness of Friendster had died some time ago, he still is one of those unsociable souls walkin around in space without Facebook. So jusz before my ingress was over at 12 midnight. I rushed my driver to take me back to my hotel. I quickly ordered a bucket of iced cold light beer, I jumped on my bed , while my mobile phone was charging, my poor tired feet closed to death, I sent a simple message of love and thanks. No more guilt feelings of unthoughtfulness :) and insensitivity :), now I can take my shower in peace.
My phone rang. I got soap on my face :). I tasted the scum in between my lips. I took my phone with wet hands, I knew exactly what to say, with no apologies …. I made it, just in time … “Happy Birthday, Gers! Musta New York? You know, I was in the shower, I almost slipped, but I had to ran and pick up, I know it’s you. So …. Uhmmm … how’s Josh doing :) He’s big na no?.”
(You now fairy’s … they always have a way to get away with things. Parang mentos candy lang di ba ehehe)

And this last Saturday, it's been a year since that "wrong dial", someone was very afraid I would misinterpret. Now that I have a new number, his own BFFs do not know, no more wrong dials, no more misinterpretations. I remember ... I always remember. Sometimes, some bad memories, they jusz won't go away.

Too much of airplanes, good nuff for finishing off one novel. So let's talk about parallel lives.

When you’re lucky enough to reach middle age, then most likely you have already a body of evidence, a history , a growing archive, a repository of knowledge, a growing collection of accomplishments and failures, a statistics of how much or less, how many or few, how poor or great.

This period beyond young adulthood but before the onset of old age … surviving birth, fleeting childhood and teenage life … we have educated ourselves, possibly as far as post-grad, changed employment may be twice of thrice or even four times, traveled far and wide, kept friends that we’ll bring wiht us throughout this lifetime, have tried all the novelty and the nasty, drink, smoke, stone or may be clean living all the way, slept around, slept peacefully , stayed a virgin or declared celibacy, been pregnant once, twice, double, quadruple, dreamt of pregnancy and underwent fertility treatment, gotten married, may be separated, took a lover, or may be still married, happily/unhappily, or a second marriage, happily/unhappily, kept a hobby, found a God or defined your own spirituality.

People coming and going into your life. Some leaving you with little memories you don’t even remember them anymore, some changed you, and you are never the same.

May be by then you have a hill of angst, depression, too much or too less of joy and ecstasy. Made friends. Made enemies. Black, white and gray areas. Half the color, half the circle, half the throttle.

That period in time before we’re grandparents ourselves … in case we are sentenced to die with old age. We are a half-way through, but not almost there yet. Don’t you think midlife is like puberty, sometimes, I think it is.

The sum of my life, may be at the half of my lifetime, lemme see:

I went through the separation of my parents. Cultivated my own bigotry on step-parents.
I have experienced losing loved ones, family and friends mostly from sickness and old age.
I have seen my family, grew bigger, sometimes wiser, sometimes not.
I graduated with honors. Went to grad school. Shifted careers three times. Traveled a great deal. Got my own place. Bought a car and sold it.
At 23, I packed my suitcase to Manila, declared my independence and started living on my own. Got into vices, got into troubles. I was promiscuous and slept around.
Just before my 26th birthday, I moved in with my boyfriend. That same summer I got pregnant.
That September I decided to marry. I had Sophie at 27. My marriage was breaking-up.
Took my bestfriend as a lover.
Made enemies. Made friends. Black, white and gray areas. Half the color, half the circle, half the throttle.
Yes, it’s true, my heart was broken a few times. I broke a few hearts , too. So as they say, everybody plays the fool sometimes :(
At one point, I was introduced to God, and accepted Him as my Lord and Savior. In many long periods after that, I was unfaithful, I stumbled and back-slid.
I was diagnosed to be alcoholic in the middle of rock bottom from losing my mother, raising alone this fragile 9 year old, my wrong judgment over sheeps in wolves clothing, and my poor old heart splattered amidst this same crowd I sincerely thought were my friends, I wanted so much to leave but couldn’t.
I was losing my dear self and I wasn’t even 40 years old.
The median is strategic and critical. The wasted time, a little more time to waste. May be late but not very very late.
I started collecting pieces of my dear self together. Sometimes I lick my own wound. If there was no available cure on hand. I ran a fever overnight. I get better the next day. I got sick but I did not die.
I got a new job and tried to get busy with it. Spent my money. Invested my money.
I decided to be sober. When I am not working, I stay home most of the time. I left the wolves into the woods. I drink, dine and party only with chosen friends now.
I am friends with my daughter. I am friends with my daughter’s father. I am friends with myself.
I am not very good at religions. But I love my pep talks with God. :)
I am not in a relationship right now. I don’t even have a lover. It doesn’t mean I’m not in love. Let's put it this way, God and I, we're saving the best for last.
I don’t have sex. But I have hobbies like my readings, my writings, this journal, Facebook, all my collection, etc, etc And because of that, I don’t get Urinary Tract Infection these days :) hahahah. Seriously, let me put it this way, I have a theory, of Sweet Eventuallys. I bet when it happens its gonna be blietzkrieg beautiful!


The truth about midlife crisis is at midlife you are ready for the crises, you’ve been through them half of your lifetime so what’s there left to worry about.

You are just as ready to cross over, anytime, anywhere, anything with anyone.


(This the effect of finally finishing Eat Pray Love. Officially, I'm reading "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret?" by Judy Blume. This afternoon during a quick shopping with Soph, I checked with National Bookstore, Elizabeth Gilbert's "Committed" (it's closed to 700 bucks) ... am really really curious of Liz's new accounts of her life with Brazilian 50 ;)")

little death ;)

Wikipedia sez, “more widely, it can refer to the spiritual release that comes with it, or a short period of melancholy or transcendence, as a result of the expenditure of the "life force". A recent study of brain activation patterns using Positron Emission Tomography (PET) give some support to the experience of a small death.

"To some degree, the present results seem to be in accordance with this notion, because female orgasm is associated with decreased blood flow in the orbitofrontal cortex, a part of the brain that is crucial for behavioural control."

The term does not always apply to sexual experiences. It can also be used when some undesired thing has happened to a person and has affected them so much that 'a part of them dies inside'”

Indie Design and Arts Market, Spring/Summer Melbourne. Melbourne is where Rems is … jusz a trivia. Well, a little away from Arnold , Jeff and Jomat who are all based in Sydney. I hope they all come home and bring Jed and Arnil with them 2011 Alumni Homecoming :). I miss high school friends so much arrgghhhh :(

Going back, I came across Finders-keepers … my love and intrigue for things indie …

Written by a certain Ms Giula Sandler, and featuring eleven directors, it was described to be understandably eclectic. Not perfect. Yet ambitious. I suppose daring. It takes some amount of courage to have a title like that :).

I quote, unquote Brett Hamms’s article, “Entirely set in Melbourne, this collection has enough confidence in its storytelling to dispense with the forced and self-conscious Australianisms that risk trivialising many of our local films. This film admirably sets its sights on emotional universality rather than settling for the tempting safety of derivative localism. Though by no means ashamed of their Melburnian roots, these stories do not rely on their locale for their significance—a
somewhat refreshing rarity amongst Australian films.

— a beautifully dark little polyseme that should tell you something about the nature of this film. Intimate, bittersweet, occasionally cruel (but not without humour), A commendable compilation of loosely intertwined short films on the subjects of love, lust, sex and loss.

I regret not being able to see this film at all. (or may be, make me a little fungus-faced, and ask my good friend Arnold to get a copy for me.). Why not?

Just this afternoon aboard PR454 …. browsing a few leaves of my “closed to finish” EPL, Liz found a gorgeous Brazilian lover … a trunk all of 50 years. 50 a number better than 40, 35, 30, 34 when it comes to men. Sick due to over-sex hahahaha, Wayan’s terms … this chapter, officially made me a huge fan of the most crude, traditional, Balinese medicine ;) … or may be, I can be a healer myself hahaha, banana massages, banana water, shoot baby shoot …. Hahaah that funny feeling, and wet underpants …

While everyone was trying to get their afternoon nap on the cradle of this airbus, I was so envious of Liz' over-sex sickness hahahaha. And of course, Wayan’s healing powers extra-ordinaire.

Last week or may be a week before last week, I found Allen Vandever. Bok and I FB chatting about fairy sex. Etong si Weng, kung hindi astral sex, fairy sex hahahah.

She found some wilder ones … a little online research I found a great body of Vandever’s work. An artist form Chicago, a year younger than this writer ;)How do fairies do it?






“In this painting I’m dealing with mythology that I’m creating about Fairies for a graphic novel. This painting is depicting two fairies mating with two flowers. Have you ever wandered how fairies reproduce considering there are no male fairies? In my mythology flowers take the role in impregnating the female Fairy. They don’t just mate with one flower, they fly around all day collecting pollen from flowers. The flowers that are pollinated in the process makes the next years flowers more beautiful. It takes a whole year for a fairy to collect enough pollen to have a baby! It takes the pollen of two fairies to have offspring! You will have to wait to find out how this is done!”

That’s the Vandever’s theory. Here’s kyutnakyutnatootle’s, “ang mga diwata pag nakikipag-sex, natutulog lang.” Noni used to tell me that either to scare me, make me sad, insult me or even to encourage me to get laid (again) like human beings do.

I watched I am Sam with Sophie again. This may be the 3rd or 4th time I have seen this movie. I have my own DVD copy, tonight it was HBO’s. I dunno how I have missed it all those times. Phil Collins has his own version (two thumbs up!). Will Young, too (two thumbs din). But Ben Folds ... penetrating me to the bone.

“Sleep pretty darling do not cry . And I will sing a lullabye”
(My response to Nonito).

A metaphor for orgasm in French. French orgasm … lovely! My excitement over Liz Gilbert. May be the moon, too. The push and pull of the tide. Or jusz my period on its 3rd day.

The Legend of the Vase

Beautification.
A vessel, for flowers.
Intentions. Function. Pretty yes!
Something so good to look at. But I didn’t need. So I quit,
(For some reason … what do you know .. there comes another Vase. Fuck … a Vase I did not want and ask for!)
… so this Vase,
Lemme talk about this Vase.
….
I kinda sorta …
Recognize about this Vase ...
A flaunting Vase!
A Vase everybody wanted.
(So he thought. )
Me … I said, why not?
Four years ago, I said ,,, let’s see about that.
Lemme gamble for that one single Vase.
So why not? You vase. Baby Vase. Let’s give it a chance.
I created a pedestal for that Vase.
I was falling in a twirl. I loved that Vase!
I waited for the Vase to make something of himself.
I waited and waited.
A non-living thing that cannot move.
Still I waited and longed for it ... lingered like a crazy fool...
Hoping that he can show the world (and me)
That he deserves the pedestal I created the for him.
Deserves my love ... deserves me
But the Vase … was fucking playing Useless!
He did not care
(not a bit!)
I left. He lost me.
So now ...
... while I so love, love, love, the Vase
I successfully put broken pieces of myself together
Beautiful pieces of me ... the Vase I initally wanted to realize
And appreciate.
But did not.
So now … here
I have re-arranged my life.
Everything in its rightful place.
My little dysfunctional, craZybeautiful life in order.
The altar still empty.
For no one can fill that void but him. (I have accepted that, I can live with that,too)
You (baby) Vase I so loved and adored
And I so still love,
A love he'll never know. A love he'll never understand.
My dear life is so pre-arranged now
This Vase I so loved …
Has no place in it, anymore
(But I do love the Vase … still.)
(and it is so ironic that there’s jusz no place for this Vase I so love,)
... no place at this point in my life.
I will always pick the best flowers
for this Vase.
(even when it's only in my mind.)

Easy like Sunday Morning

1. Soph and I’s first night with my new bed.
2. And yes, my first week with my Tinkerbell pillow. Saturday afternoon, yesterday, power nap I dreamt of Lola and Tita Jing :(




3. An entire week of harutan bonding with Soph just before she goes back to school this coming Monday. Secret fats hahahha
4. San Mig light and Marlboro lytes with baby couzs Carrots … thanks be to God for Neng ;)




Me, Tita Marie, Tita Jing, Carrots and Jerome. Calabash Road. I was ten. They were babies. They were not even at their prime.



5. This week’s Quiet Time saw me through … Precious Moments™ bible kept me grounded (somehow) … God’s words and wisdom even when you just don’t get it … just too damn powerful!
6. I was seriously thinking of having some of Soph’s VCDs converted … to save and safe-keep such beautiful memories of birthdays, Christmases, graduations… and so here, me, just like that …finding my old nostalgic self scanning (with Soph’s help) old pics … randomly …



Sailor Moon Sophie with Tita Thelms and Tito Ambet. I so miss Ambet (sa akin na lang yun, at yung sa amin ni Betong, sa amin na lang yung. Ang dami nang nagda-drama about Betong, ayaw ko nang dumagdag pa. Ang importante alam ko at alam nya kung ano sya sa akin, at kung ano ako sa kanya.)




Thelms and I. Zamboanga bound. Zesto drink and Walkman hahahah.




Tita Jing, from my self-made family tree which I made shortly after Lolo Tatay passed in '79. She still is in Oregon and I miss her so :(. Carrots, too. :( :(





First grade, and you noticed me? I was an honor student and smelled sunshine, you my friend, was busy playing marbles, and smelled like sun :). Remember this class pic, you brought this to CITEM, and showed proudly to Alma and Thelms :) ... hey, I miss you, classmate. :) God bless. (am sure, this will bring tears in your eyes when you see and read this, come MOnday. :)



This was how I sign my little name when I was a little six. :)


7. I am dead, rotting busy … this is my last honest decent wonderful weekend … I look forward seeing baby cousz Jerome, my neph Nero, and Tito Peng this coming Friday …
(8). (I love you). (Goodbye.)
9. Pagbalik ko, pasko na.

www.s_ _ _ _ ean_ _ _ s.net

To Digger: ... when its too much ... too hard ... too long .. too bad ... and when it was jusz was under your nose ... and not realized ... then, it's just too late.

Water Dipper List

Everyone's eggcited, overwhelmed, getting busy with all the preps. We just lost an inter-batch basketball match. Bob's tummy was oh so like .... hahaha. DOGNUTS praying hard that I should be out of hibernation by that time. Jomat's a little worried. Kelsy, too. And Ronnie and Ghie. Arlenevlee's missing me. Nanat getting impatient with me. 2011 is it!!!??? (tapping my fingers, rolling my eyes, hoping the lightning to strike so I can play dead).

I hope they believe me when I say, am serious. Here's my Christmas/Birthday/Reunion list for all my friends in the States and Australia ;) ... some sort of over-indulgence, but isn't this one a good sign that I am seriously considering ...


1. Pippi Longstocking (it's closing to 3 years since I gave it away, it needs a replacement by now)
2. Strawberry Shortcake, Raggedy Ann and Andy and/or Cabbage Patch
3. Pink Monopoly for Soph and Mom ;)
4. VS's Plum Drop yummmmmmmm
5. DVDs all of these ..... Angela’s Ashes, Como Agua Para Chocolate, Steel Magnolias, How to Make an American Quilt, Malena, Y Tu Mama Tambien, Field of Dreams, Dead Poets Society, Patch Adams, Now and Then, Reality Bites :)
6. Kevyn Lettau’s first CD with Bridges there of course ;)
7 Daisy lift for my toilet bowl (hahahah pati talaga ito ... i actually came upon this during my chicago - oregon trip, they have it in-flight Southwest Airlines wheeeew so some of my friends should ride Southwest ... so spoiled this gYpsy huh)
8. I've got many other things in my head, in my heart ;) ... I wish I could put everything down and all the happy, sob stories behind each item ... my Facebook's Bucklet List, they're all there. The ones money can buy, and the ones I can never have even if I spent a lifetime.

So this ain't actually a Bucket List. That one sounds too serious, a little desperate ... so I wanna keep this light ... my Water Dipper List haha!

My Bucket List, some details there, especially the one in the bottom list (remember, its arranged according to degree of difficulty, and that explains why the last one in the Bucket List is last), money can't buy. We are all completely powerless over. Me, since I can't travel time, am leaving everything to God.



(somebody's giving me the creeps here ... 41 times, in a span of 2 hours ... what good is it to you? ... what can you do?

Why do you search for us? him me old office

We're not together. He doesn't even like me. He's getting married after New Year's Eve. If these facts satisfy you, you will stop.

Healing ...

1. Bokneng and Boklay.
2. Another season of orange roses :)
( I now crave for mophead hydrangea in deep blue.)
3. A lavender butterfly on my tree of red roses. And meet the (current) man
of the house ... the one with the carrot nose ;)
4. Sleep Comfort™ in baby blue. Wednesday comes.
5. Cucumber And strawberry on my face.
6. Finding pieces of my childhood. Online.
7. Pink and blue candles for family and friends who have gone ahead of us.
8. I took it back. The lie was short lived.
9. Feeling better. Getting better soon. Quiet is better.
10. Two days of Quiet Time. Jonah 2:2 -9 (God listens to your cry), and Luke 5:16; 6:12; 11:1 (Rest with God). I give my thanks to Miss Tin (wherever she is right now) for Jay Duque’s Pray God’s Will in 365 Days.

" ... He never banished you from His sight or abandoned you ... He can hear your cry and reach down to the depths to help you. ... a place of solitude to rest with God."



♥ the purple overall and the lavender winter boots




It's actually orange. And it's very back in my garden :)





My kind of tree, and my kind of man ;)





Aside from my storybooks and jijsaw puzzles and dolls ... i truly adored these toys which came to me in different stages of my childhood.

All Hallow's Even

Superstitious - Shel Silverstein


If you are superstitious you'll never step on cracks.
When you see a ladder you will never walk beneath it.
And if you ever spill some salt you'll thrown some 'cross your back,
And carry' round a rabbit's foot just in case you need it.
You'll pick up any pin that you find lying on the ground,
And never, never, ever throw your hat upon the bed,
Or open an umbrella when you are in the house.
You'll bite your tongue each time you say
A thing you shouldn't have said.
You'll hold your breath and cross your fingers
Walkin' by a graveyard,
And number thirteen's never gonna do you any good.
Black cats will all look vicious, if you're superstitious,
But I'm not superstitious (knock on wood).

♥♥♥ ♥♥♥ ♥♥♥






Me ‎... am stealing a pumpkin ... and taking him home this time.
13 minutes ago Write a comment...Smileys

Get well soon

It was like sudden death. My baby girl was behind me. And I couldn’t move. For a moment I was trying to smile. I dunno, that night, that time, I was just trying to. But it was all going down. I was having hot flushes. In a very very cold room. And there was rain. Behind my French windows.

The next morning came …

No matter how hard I tried. I was overtaken. It was like a faucet of water. On and off. Sometimes I can hide it. Sometimes I can’t. EMD kept me company. Ten bottles. And a pack and a half. There went my quota for 5 months. In one sitting. Forest Grill Timog. On a Wednesday night.

Another day came. I over spent on cab rides. I was very very late for work. And slept all throughout lunch. My face was big, swelling and white. I decided to beg off. Dinner with friends. Red ants feasted on my eyes again. I didn’t want them to see me this way. And … and … besides, I don’t want to talk about it.
I thought and talked about sadness. My own personal one. Mine. My own. Ergo, me. My problem. My solution.

Bok asked me a question in FB. I PMed my answer in FB. I will try my best not to overdose myself. But a little dose is tolerable. Am sure a lot of friends will not understand. I get that. But that’s how it is right now so …

I remember rushing Christmas. And now I want to skip it.

I wish I could travel time :) … and choose my moments.

Life goes on …

He remembers ...

I got this from my yahoo email. Opened just today :(. Sent a few weeks after my rantings over "who was that sad, angry bride again?" Admittedly, I am not really very thoughtful when it comes to this type of correspondence. Taken away completely by Facebook. I have forgotten that I have family and friends who do not yet own an account or still have no intention to have one.

Besides, Yahoo mails have become complicated these days. The purpose to make it more functional made it more complex. At least for people like me. My prescription sez I should get Yahoo (Emails) for Dummies hahahah, if this instructional material ever really exist.

So there. I missed it. Late is never better. Tonight, before coming here to document my feelings and thoughts about this, I sent the sender a brief thank you note, and me getting cheesy over cozy :) ... it's almost 10 o'clock in the evening, there's a bit of raining in Cavite.

I googled a little about it, and learned about Chris Gregory.




... such beautiful sweet thoughts suddenly i missed New York City and my best dude ... Me, the gYpsy and my love for poetry ... he still remembers ... still he remembers me.

Tuesday Beautiful

Tuesday. 26th October. Jen's SMS woke me up. Turned on my PC. And so my yellow caterpillar started squeaking. Bok Wenggay and Maweng Jena were early birds at FB :). Bok urging me to go with her at Uniwide, sabi ko sa Friday na lang, hopefully it's payday, my CITEM cheque for my so-called terminal benefits ready for pick-up, then my friend and I can go shop till we drop at US, and later try to quietly celeb Betong's birthday. He would have been 41 years old on Friday :(. Ambet.

And Jen ...

A brief lesson on compartmentalizing happiness knowing there are some (at times, major) parts in our lives you can't easily jusz be happy at. It doesn't mean you can't be happy at all. I have learned this trick after a series of misfortunes in important aspects of my life. Sometimes happiness is cystallized, Human nature sez happiness should be larger than life all the time. But then, when you try to build up your fortress of happiness, you can actually make use of those pulverized pieces, those little joys they amount to something, too. And before you knew it, there you go, you have your own garden where every single piece is appreciated. :) A genuine smile could be cheap yet priceless. True joy is personal. You have to feel it first in your heart before you can infect others.

And more significantly, HAPPINESS, my dear, is a choice. You have to put effort in making that choice. HAPPINESS is a work in progress. You have to work on it. I think the most credible, authentic, lasting happiness, is that kind you sincerely labored on. Don't we treasure more anything with blood, sweat and tears. Others in a silver platter could be fleeting. I dunno, this is jusz my own concept of happiness. Some people might find the idea too laborious. But this system works for me. I am in fact, good and magnanimous at it. I am moving closer to my personal legend. :)

But then again, I don't want to sound self-righteous. Or sweet talk about it. Or think about like am wearing a straight-jacket, too strict, stiff and rigid. There may be some compartments of happiness that may be too back-breaking, heart-breaking, too risky, too high-price to pay, too long, too far to achieve. You don't need to over-spend a lifetime for a single joy. It's not worth it. Some happiness, certain ones, are time-bound. The beauty of hard work in our search for personal joys, is knowing if its still within our hands, or God's. Again, my personal idea, I leave, certain parts of my life (major or minor), to that one Supreme Being. I've got a job to do, I am humble enough, to let Him do His.

In between FB chats, I was browsing Paulo Coelho's blogs (under The Most Beautiful Story), and found this* ... how happiness can be elusive sometimes, wisdom sometimes unrecognizable when you're young, time our BFF, and this love, steady and not everyone finds and understands.

I am sharing this with her, in the puddle of mud ...


Long ago on a small island, there lived Happiness, Sorrow, Wisdom and Love, as well as other sentiments and feelings (states of being).

One day these feelings heard that the island was suddenly sinking. At once they prepared a boat in order to leave the island. Only Love decided to stay, she wanted to hang on until the very last minute.

A few days passed, the small island really began to slowly start sinking. Love realized that she too wanted to leave and so she waited by the seashore for a boat. At that moment, Prosperity in an enormous ship was just coming by the seashore. Love asked politely “Mr. Rich, can you help me by letting me come to your ship?” Prosperity answered: “No, my ship is too full with gold, silver and precious jewels; there is no seat for you.” As soon as he answered, he sped away in his boat.

Not long after, Love spotted a vain pilot on a small but very pretty boat passing by the shore. Love asked pleadingly, “Mr. Vanity, help me please!” Vanity did not care and refused: “Love, sorry, I cannot help you. You’re completely wet and you will ruin my pretty little boat.” He too took off after saying those words.

Some time passed when Sorrow and Happiness, steering on opposite sides, passed by. Love turned to them and pleaded: “Sorrow, let me come with you so I can leave here!” Sorrow replied crying: “Love, at this moment I’m just too sad. I can only stay and think of one being. Sorry, please go ask Happiness to help you.”

Happiness on the other side, was too happy and could not hear Love’s pleas and calls.

Then as Love felt desperate with no help and realized that she was at her last hour, she suddenly heard a friendly call out to her: “Please come here, Love. Let us come help you leave this sinking island.” Love felt so strange and looked to see who spoke these words. She saw an old, grey and ashy being. She quickly boarded his wooden boat and rode with him to shore. Once, the boat pulled in, the old being quietly walked away.

Once on shore, Love walked toward a being sitting and reading a book. Love asked him: “Excuse me, who are you?” Looking up from his book, he replied kindly: “I am Wisdom.”

Love then asked, “The one who just helped me, who is he?”

Wisdom replied, “That is Time.”

“Time?” Love asked puzzled, “Now, why would Time want to help me?”

Wisdom smiled and said, “Because only time has the ability to understand how great and powerful love is.”

*contributed by Cora from CRC Design Studio, Chinese-American, a Coelho follower like me :)

Salamanca

The Square
... a view from the top of yangyang's room



Oasis
... the sunken bar (a personal fave), the "close to heaven " porch atop, the touch of waterfall, slides (with me), there to that cuddle booth ;), and all that green water.













a craftsman's den
a long stretch of arts and crafts ..... and they look like robins to me in blue, brown and pink ;)










Welcome to my Black magic ;)
... where a feline watches over :) ...
... Me the Salamangkera!
... i adore so many things around me ... my lamped kitchen, those painted blades circlin' in my bedroom, i watched them some time, and they made me sleep like a baby in a cradle :), the candelabra, my green and yellow bath with tat little porcelain tub ;), those blue spots at my laudromat, they looked so classy, above all ... this witch loves its black steel bed with that black iron rose where i spent 3 nights makin' luv with my Ipod, my laptop and Liz Gilbert's Eat Pray Love :)

















tadahhhhhhh ...





♥ I sooooo ohhh soooo love coming home to my hotel. Mainly because I had the room solo this time. I had a bad neighbor but I was so so happy to even think about that. :) For the first time after more than two years, I had a room alone for myself. My airconditioning on , full blown. I can freely walk around … sleep with my panties ;) hush hush … read my book in complete silence, enjoy my SOTM like a broken record in glorious privacy, go online minus the prying eyes … and uhmmm from time to time pep talk with myself :), and God.

♥♥ Dumaguete was clean and beautiful. Indeed, the City of Gentle People. Heavenly bodies fallen like stars from the skies. The Boulevard reminded me of Miami, a tow of restos by the bay. Versace’s Mansion. And yes, Lario’s On The Beach. I don’t even remember having the strength to order a glass of iced tea, or may be just water to drink. Darn .... I wish I had better company.

♥♥♥ Yesterday, officially, was my last day. A true test of my resilience. More than 2 years, I painstakingly … didn’t know how I survived that. This time, my own. I call the shots. So please help me God :)