Footprints in the sand ...

I got three things today.

First,  my best girl's birthday 3rd of October, my lifelong friend, Jomat.  She's gone through a lot these past 4 years, her shaky marriage, from Gapo to Sydney, which eventually ended up in a quiet divorce, she taking  the helm in raising her 4 daughters (not much diff really), from Gapo to Sydney, pre and post divorce (I  am actually saying this in a good way :-)  ), our beloved Mame fighting cancer, bravely and gracefully.  Like many of us, it wasn't an easy life, but it wasn't bad either  My friend, she's  made of good stuff.    I will always remember her in our youth, in our typical day at school, naka uniform ng Jackson, hinahanap yung mga crushes nya sa paligid ligid ng school lol, our  funny, loving, taray, smart Jomat, now, wittier, nurturing, fiercer, practical and still intelligent.   Torn and worn, in her journey  (like we all are).  She gets better (not everyone does).    

God blessed me with you friendship, my dear Joms.  I thank God.  I thank you.

Jomat and I, we got each others back.  From the time I was 13 and she was 14.  I am now 45, and she,  46 today.   Isn't that wonderful?

Second, been under the weather.  I'm a good girl who stopped seeing her Internist.  Dunno, I just don't wanna go back to this year's first quarter of me shuttling back and forth to the DLSUMC ... my blood chem looks OK except for hayyyy ... 

Nah, I will not allow this feverish feeling to get the best of me overnight, I need to be in Church tomorrow, somebody needs prayers ...

Dear Me, God heals.  love always, Self

Third ...  each time, before I end a prayer, at Church or elsewhere,  I say your name, each time, and ask God to bless you with a good life.  (You don't need to know that I am praying for you, I don't need to know that you do, know , that I really pray for you, for as long  as, you get the answer to my prayers.  That's all that matters.) 

"Nothing proves that you love someone more than mentioning them in your prayers."  I bring you and your family, in God's embrace.  Amen.  Amen.  Amen.

Take a shower.  Wash off the day.  Drink a glass of water.  Make the room dark.  Lie down  and close your eyes.  Notice the silence.  Notice the beating of your heart.  Still beating.  Still fighting.  You made it, after all.  You made it another day.  And you can make it one more.  You're doing just fine,    

Ouch!

I.

Forever your bitch ;-)

I’m your passing fancy.   I hope you make me your favorite, and give me something to console myself with.  I hope I made it to your list as your best flavor and your number 1 fling.  Cuz huney this thing who happened to be there while you waited for The One who owns you,  needs some bragging rights, too. :-*  

II.

UNWORTHY!

  
… but then again.  it was crystal clear.  it was very elementary.  it was given.    and it was precise.  what are words for, when reality is screaming like a mad man on your face.  and goodbyes, unnecessary,  for someone who was never there.  nah, true love did not get you there.  same place i was.  

This whore is somebody's favorite Fling.  Sh'es hot, she's horny, she's dirty, above all, she's Free of Charge lol

Just a fling*.   Me to you.  That was all I was.

 *Fling re-defined.  A middle aged torn and worn ugly bitch, useful only for free cyber sex, not worthy of an explanation or anything.  lmao

*** *** ***

“It started to make sense to me.  Why he’d go along with a scheme like this.  It’s not so he can move on from Gen  It’s so he can’t.  I’m just his excuse.  I’m holding Genevieve’s place for her.  When that piece makes sense, everything else starts, too.”  Jenny Han, author of the book I've been struggling to finish, then suddenly found it's way to me though this piercing lines

nineteenth of June, four years after ...

Today, I'd be jusz tryin to record what happened yesterday, a little rainy Friday,

Backwards.  That Wednesday nyte, Asya-Filipino Restaurant served really delicious frozen Margarita.  You know, I don't usually show up to some late-night invites.  But it's my baby, Roxanne's birthday.  I wouldn't miss that for the world.   And so I didn't. :) ... Finally met Carl and Rey, I missed hanging out with Mons of PNE, Rye and Steve lookin' good together, Maxi was like ... hummmm

Roxie's bday, cheat day.  I counted 4 freezin' Margies, and two sticks of Marlboro lytes arrggghhh ... gotta get back to rehab quick  :(

I stayed up late.  I stayed home alone the next day. Must say, I'm really done with the nyte life.

Having missed a work day, made my yesterday really toxic at the office.  From land disputes, to urgent MOA, from cry babies, to aging field officers with unbearable dementia, my patience getting scarce and Othello getting it from me!   All's well that ends well.  By 7:00 PM, i collected all my loots from my online suppliers.  And just about ready to get my tired self trekking home. 

The train has been a wreck the entire week   ... so I welcomed with open arms Rye's offer to drop me up to Buendia ... so sweet of him.  so by a little over 7 PM, we hit the road, traversing the the main streets of Manila, a place very dear to the both of us.  Kami ni Ryan batang Maynila pareho.  We had his playlist blasting inside his car.  We were singing along in between out chit chats about how the day went, his recent break-up with Ed, the prospects of Steve, I was engaged in the conversation while trying to film our road trip --- full of Manila traffic hehe, city lights, and the sun gracefully giving way to midnight skies, it started to drizzle, and you know what, you really wouldn't know it, if it was a  smile that was on my face or a crack where the light gets in.  My gaze gets blurry still, like there's something in my eye, but it was suppose to be a joyride that night, I really did not want to play the Scrooge.  I've got trained tear ducts, they can fall on-call, or stay up there at the rim and let chilly winds dry them up without a trace. Like you really wouldn't notice.

My daughter's home from her 2-month OJT stint in Makati.  I got home late so I had to wake her up with a kiss goodnight from mommy.

Backwards.  Earlier Friday afternoon, I was on the phone with Mymy.  Trying to get a job in CITEM HR :-) for my cousin.  She asked about you.  She asked for your name again.  And I couldn't even say it. I tried to be funny, but my voice was like a little breaking.  I had to think quick of an excuse, just to keep it short.  So I did. That phone call was over.

Home.  Very very late. It's always worse on Fridays, evenings, when it rains.    And this ...

Some memories still hurts, and lingers.  But, what the heck, you still want to keep them. 

I tried to pull myself together, and played Insidious 3.  Funny, I slept the whole time.  :)

A little past 3 AM, I was awaken by a dream.  Of you, and a life and love that wasn't mine from the very start.  The creepy thing about it, is that, while it was going on, it really felt so real.  Panaginip lang yun pero masakit na (masakit pa din), so think about reality ...

***

"it is in these moments of tender and ridiculous nostalgia that i know that something inside of me is still broken ..."

**bullish*

April showers bring May flowers.

That is what they say.

But if all the showers turned into flowers,

We'd have quite a colourful day!

They'd be bluebells and cockleshells,
Tulips red and green,
Daffodils and Chinese squill,
The brightest you've ever seen.

You'd see tiger lilies and water lilies,
Carnations pink and blue,
Forget-me-not and small sundrop
Glistening with the dew.

We'd have fireweed and milkweed
And many more different flowers.
Mexican star and shooting star,
Falling in the showers.

And if all the showers turned into flowers
On that rainy April day,
Would all the flowers turn into showers
In the sunny month of May?

Seventh of May

My dear Joel, be happy, on your birthday  and always.

jusz lyke oils on my hands ...

a caller ringtone for a number that no longer exists ...




i played scavenger from my dilapidated Tinkerbell sako bag of ol' GMA files and found  an ol' (but paid :)) Globe billings.  October 2011.  Some wife's lonely husband imported an alarm clock all the way from Manila.  I made myself useful, like I always did. :)

Oh man, why do I love you like I always do.

(Blown out my mind.)

Pixie dusts for Christmas

.

To my Mamang, Lolo Tatay, Lola Meding, Lola Bidang, my in-laws, Betong, Ronnie, Emer and Reden.  Celebrating your memories ...

To my homies ... 'in this together.

To my dearest darling, Sophie ...  i know, for her,  this sucks ... but a mother has to do what it's gotta do ;-)

to my best buds in the whole wide world ... thank you for all the lovin' ... dognuts, bok,  bengbeng, ML, batch, virginie, thermites, abiku, Phiayaya, Lolit Kulit, Lani Gel, Jena Gurl, Mykee, Nettchie, BenT, Fayie, CITEM luvies, GerryB, Minyang, Ca and GMA kiddies, GeloB, Davie, Laine,  Rye, Josh, Roxy Baby

To the love of my life ... love still

Me, cultivating solitude.

Kitch Witch Diaries: The Search for Roseman Bridge ...

Ok, these got 2 parts.

FIRST PART

I was going over my Timeline photos 2 days ago while working on some project proposal at the office then i chanced upon this posting some time late last year. I got inspired writing about my love affair with this vintage-looking little book my Robert James Waller right after watching the movie for the 2nd time around. The first time i've seen i was just playing film critic, hoping Robert Redford  over Clint Eastwood and not finding Meryl Streep  not sexy enough for a lonely hottie wife,  Francesca Johnson.

Something in my head about working on my review for that Beth Harbison book but couldn't start for the very apparent reason that it was like a sharp edged knife slashing that part of my chest again.  So I'm decided to park it meantime.  especially about Nate ... leaving .. saying ... "I'd rather love you and be alone than love you and be ..."  Damn!  How did writers learn to write so painfully?  So am sayin' ... I'm parkin' this meantime.

So there you go, an automatic review of that love between a man named Robert Kincaid and a woman he called Francesca.

"Mid 90s … just like the rest. I brought and read it along wherever I was. I was never shy with my emotions. I laugh, breakdown, display affection, get pissed like nobody’s watching LOL ... and that story of Robert Kincaid and Francesca Johnson never fails to make me cry like a baby … in that little place I shared with my (then) boyfriend, sa banyo, sa kwarto, sa module ko sa Hall 5 ng CITEM, sa La Salle, sa taxi, sa jeep … literally kahit saan. 2011, I got a DVD copy of that novel and got myself watching it again today which led me to reminiscing vintage living, the smell of suburb, that old truck Harry, the mean yellow dog, Manila paper, rumor mongers LOL, a woman’s impulse shopping prior to major major date LMAO, and that other summer dress I wanted for myself lala, Nighthawk Cummings and his weeping horn, Franny’s fanning her naked bod with fresh air, dark night, by the porch hehe, and my formal introduction to Anais Nin (my new inspiration), normal marriages, normal families, death and coming to terms, those magnificent words of love, that once in a lifetime certainty and a room to dance again."

SECOND PART

All because of this and for the love of goodreads :) ... I went looking for an old Roseman Bridge photo i remember posting somewhere in one of my FB quilts  ... not in my Timeline nor in my favorite number album ... then there ...  suddenly i was there ... a place i hardly i go to these days, "A Lesson on Cooking and Life"  album, one of my many private albums  ... i found all these but no Roseman Bridge.  My broken heart started beating fast ... Oh tear ...

After 41 years and 2 months.
A sweet, spolied brat's first dish.
Pakbet for my Honey. 6/25/2011

proudly in my purple plate  ... that's one good-lookin' menudo ahuh! 7/7/2011

fresh shrimps 101 curt'sy of Honey ko 

26th August 2011 ... a few days before our last day, our last weekend together.  ... ***he even reminded me to ask for beer salt and limit my beer to 3 ... me the obedient honey  ... had only 3 beers that evening. We closed down Mexicali.

one of his songs daw for me 8/17/2011

missing my honey bunch so much 7/6/2011

Table for one. 6th September 2011.

Decision made 23rd October 2011.

Marimar takes a bow LOL ... cookin' with mah "mumps" blue saranggani anklet, mah baby pink hanes, while my hair clamped with pink bushes ... still candles, still coffee 7/9/2011

Mine 8/19/2011

gettin' butchered for the 2nd time! — at Tattoo de Iloco, Laoag City.  6/10/2012

Nike Air Trainer 1.3 Max Breathe MP 11/7/2011— at ♥.

Such a lovely pair! — at ♥.

Binili ko kasi akala ko seryoso sya na gusto nya talaga .. joke time lang pala ulit.  Ang mahal na joke ... tsaka ang sakit ... hayyy

Ayun accumulating dusts and cobwebs in my Ottoman.  Sophie always commenting kung bakit di  pa kinukuha nung nagpabili (my daughter she accompanied me in Bonifacio Global City to get this limited edition pair.) ... sabi ko, nakalimutan na kasi malayo ... she'll turn her back and go on with her chores ... i tell myself softly ... pag namatay ako, sama ko to sa kabaong ko, para mailibing na kasama ako.

i thought of donating Nike here  — atwww.brokenships.com.

The Museum of Broken Relationships grew from a traveling exhibition revolving around the concept of failed relationships and their ruins. Unlike ‘destructive’ self-help instructions for recovery from failed loves, the Museum offers a chance to overcome an emotional collapse through creation: by contributing to the Museum's collection.

i remember still ... 4/18/2012— at theeternalbliss.wordpress.com.

Me ditching the false claims about twin flame.

26 August 2012 ... I was thinking may be I should unfriend all our common friends, but that would be unfair. This pops out on the right side panel of Destine's pixietales. I blocked you because of this. It wasn't your fault. And I wasnt angry. It's just that, its my prerogative. And i still hurt.


That was his prerogative.  To post a profile picture and shout it out to the whole word.  Irregardless of my feelings (as ever, as always) ... It was my prerogative to block him.  I know if didnt matter to him at all.  But it mattered to me.  Mababaw man, pero baka makatulong ... not to see his profile pic with his wife. and  be reminded of the pile of lies, a 41 year old woman of my intelligence,  consciously chose to believe in.  My bad.

Your thoughts can hurt you.  But those are imaginations until you see a picture.

(His memory still makes me cry.  Love sucks isnt it?)

... "cried a river, built something like Roseman bridge ... threw the ashes ... but never getting over ..."

Umuulan sa labas.  Umuulan din sa loob ng kwarto ko.  Kasalanan tong lahat ng Roseman Bridge na yan!  Kainez!

Witchcraft!

I went home last nyte with a throbbing headache.    I tried to go online but I was so exhausted.   I thought I was gonna run a fever.So if I have that kind of temperature, I used to say, I may be like ovulating, LOL, but I stopped monitoring, counting, eons ago.  So here I go again, making fun of myself in a really bad way LOL.

You know that there is no single day that passed since all that, that I didnt think about you.  I was in church last night, I always close my prayer in your name.  Just asking God to bless you, and your boys, and well I have to be at least politically correct with God … and even your wife, and every single soul genetically  and legally connected with you.

But its different these days.  Much intense.  I am always happy thinking about you.  Until reality sets in.  But at least I start the thought of you with a smile on my face.  What could have been beautiful  … we were beautiful together … until reality sets in.

Remember the manghuhula. I didn’t go back to him anymore.   He milked a good sum of money from me.  I was lost and desperate and very very gullible.  He took advantage of a silly old hag who then believed in love and magic. As I always say, at the end of the day, the veracity and sincerity of anything … plans, dreams, promises, feelings and even prophecies --- they are just words intricately, creatively sewn together as by-products of some wild imaginings … it is the end results that matter .  Lahat ng sinabi nya mali.  Lahat ng sinabi nya kabaliktaran ng nangyare.  And if there’s any truth about that exercise … was exactly that … the reversal of fortune.

But I was hurt.  Now I treat magic like a game.  Or something’s that just fashionable.  I thrashed away the thought of you being my other half, my twin.  You lived the life that you wanted.  I accepted my fate. 

Yet moments like this,  may be there’s a single chromosome in my body that continuously resists my pain .  When everything is burned down to ashes, this single gene standing stubbornly side by side with destiny.

I ask, do I carry you?  I really do?  My twin. 

The headache.  The stomp in my chest.  That black empty pit in my stomach.  My nape hurts.  The burning sensation around my eyes, my blurry sight, I’ve  got blisters all over my lips, for God’s sake!   I….. feel ……. you …. every minute of the day.   What is happening …

Are you hurt? Sick?  Tired?  Sad?

That single hard headed persistent molecular unit of my being is getting all that energy from that side of the world.   You are so far but you affect me like our skins are just brushing each other now … your fingers crushing with mine … kissing your lips until we bleed and  listening to your heartbeat so closely that I could actually die from it.  This tight.  This near.

***

If I could tell you this, I wanna tell you this, I will tell you this ...

I am not angry.  In the beginning I was or I thought so or I wanted so.  But I am hurt. Still hurt.  But not angry.  There’s a difference.

I still toy with the idea of us together someday near future, here, now, this minute.  But that would mean stealing you from your wife and sons,  someday near future, here, now, this minute.    The "stealing you from your wife and sons" part I don't like.  

Just think of this wonderful wonderful thought ... that someone far far away loves you sooooo verryyy much that she can actually make you feel how loved you are right now.  I know that you are surrounded by people who love and care for you.  But God blessed you with a bonus ...  there's another soul loving and rooting for you from afar.  Not everyone gets that in their life.

Cheer up, I do still love you honey ko.

(you affecting me. you make my body ache for you.  and  i got work to do.  and a 16 year old girl to raise.)

Kitch Witch Diaries: My cheesy Menudo ;)

menudo with a twist :) ... this got cheese ... sobrang busog ni Sophie :)

I was a good student (magastos lang tsaka maarte hihi), he was a better teacher (... and i do miss him so, sometimes i wish he knew, buti na lang hinde, it doesn't matter anyway, it doesn't make any difference anyway).    'Remains a dream to cook for him some day :)  'Niweyz, Thanks for getting me into cooking. ... It's definitely better than prozac :) ... and loveless sex,  damn!

The Closing of August*

A writer struggles to get back into writing a decent piece.

I first head of this song during my daughter's Parent's Freshman Orietation.  I thought it was a gospel song.  Oh boy, was I so helpless  tryin to record it on my phone.  Of course, I was unsuccessful.  Dang!

Then Gary V and Sarah  G @ The Voice Philippines.  I prefer this song done in a really sweet, gentle tone. Like, a lullabye that rocks you to slumber.    That cover wasn't really my bet but was I glad the song was brought to my attention again.  Found it finally.

Lyrical poetry.  Twas a Zedd original.  But two of my favorite versions, one with vocals curt'sy of Marie Digby , the other, violin by Daniel Jang --- vocals mine :).  Like, I sing over those strings.  Who knows,  on lazy days like this, I'd learn to record a song.  Did I say, I am a chameleon.  I can also turn myself into a bird from time to time hehe .... and if you compare me to Digby girl ... I don't care! haha



My last one was April.  Coming back from celebrating my 43rd summer in my little hometown.  Re-groupin' rekindlin' with Dognuts and some high school friends.  And the failed endeavor to get drunk in the streets of Gapo or cry and scream our hearts and lungs out in Kale beach.  There was sobriety instead.    Oh man, ain't we back to being decent 43/44 year old kids!  So whatever happened to that plan to get wasted, huh!  For once, in midlife, let's get delinquent! :)

I'm always a fan of "free verse".  Putting words together just like that.  Plus I am not really  a "rhyme" person.  I don't like following trends or formats.  It restricts my artistry.  To me it's always been like throwing all those colors in a wall, and finding meaning in it.  I fancy words.  But now I can see, I'm into something like haiku.  Going back to the last 4 of my works at Blender. Short, big words.  Ones that pierce your soul.  Words like that so powerful they make you cry.    

And Digby  flashbacks.  Back in my hotel room in Marco Polo Davao.  I heard her doing acoustics on a something fast from Rihanna.   I dunno what's happening.  An (about to be) scorned woman's instinct.  A conscience' fair warning.  Out in the streets they were partying.  I got my life falling part.  A few days after, it all went down.  My plane crashed and I died.  Like I died a hundred deaths with you.  Was that August?    

 Just this song.  Eased me back to waxing poetry.  Or was it because it is August again.  Remembering August.  Leaving August.  I owe it to this song.

"Loving. You. I know I'm good at it.   But I'm better.   Doing it alone.  Loving you."



The block's unblocked!  I'm back to writing!  Good grief!



*a poem written by Laura Marie
"Heaven casting its glow
across the shadows of insincerity- ..."

Getting a grip ...

... for this can't wait ...   Big big very big THANKS to everyone for checkin' on me and my daughter, Sophie. Flood water was chest deep just outside our gate but we were spared. Water supply was disrupted, but power up, and above all internet redundant ;) ... mother and child pig-outs, mall rats, and selfies.

back to androids and touch screens.  Ok, will try to viber with my California gurls ...  Excuse me for my French again (me, pawtin' ...) ... my learning curve with technology is Mt. Fuji haha so please ...

still my favorite man.  

go get Kidston!

I'll ask na lang Sophie to teach/operate for me.  I'm a lazy student lol.

... much have been said ... wednesday ...  i  braved the storm and got my new post paid line (my first one I gave to my daughter as soon as she got into college ... oh sweet sunshine ...) 

... so now, you can personalize nos. ha.  Peter, the cordinal and very accommodating sales staff, was getting demanding ... and impatient with my indecision ...  but that actually caught me by surprise, suddenly I needed 6 digits ... I wasn't ready ... and the queue was getting longer, and the lady who started friendly was now smirking and throwin' me dagger looks.  Top of the head, inside my head, running around in circles, chasing pavement cracks ...

09258xxxxxx

the first five was system generated.
the last six digits.  was somebody's birthday.
his.

(andameng statiscal probabilities, but i came up with that combination, and am stickin' with it :) )

love's still.

Still

My dear Phiayaya's and Rommel's wedding, June 2011.  There's my Dee, all smiles, with my anakish Mykee, a certified camwhore.  :)

Clearly, clearly I remember ...

My sweet Phia's and Omeng's wedding. Each time, it reminds me of ...

My lavander gown was expensive. The makeover session was intricate and expensive, too.  Thanks to Dee and Mommy Rose for taking me in with overwhelming enthusiasm.

Emotions were too much, just too much love going on, coming around ...  

The weather was cloudy.  The streets rippled.  It was going to be stormy ...  yet all of my closest of friends wore the sunniest disposition as I was.  Dee's smile was the sweetest.  Neng's embrace was so assuring.  I was in cloud 9.  It was such a perfect afternoon.  The best time for a wedding.

On my way to the Roldans, I got an overseas text message, telling me how much I’ve been missed. 

***

I was cruising Roxas Blvd. this morning on my way to UP Manila.  Passing by my much loved CITEM over a wide Thursday morning skies.  I remember only beautiful memories.  Just purely happy thoughts … knowing that I’m keeping old friendships, my silent and “star studded” accomplishments and contributions,  a recollection of a successful transition as a small town yuppie steadily moving up the corporate ladder, a suitcase of travelogues.  So I’ve got my name, in rough diamonds, etched in one of those halls.  My inner goddess getting a round of applause from the witches, and bitches and my par excellence ITSED Team.  Peace is so comforting.

I see Golden Shell’s rooftop.  And feel no grudges.  I left as planned  and stayed away on purpose.  Twasn’t a mean feat. It was a milestone considering my steady history of keeping, nurturing, anchoring lifelong relationships with friends their families, classmates, schoolmates, officemates, even exes and their families, too.  May be not the best, all the time, but I’m generally regarded really well, 'must say.  I deserve some credit for that :)

But then again.  I’ve made difficult decisions in life.  Leaving, staying away and keeping it just as that are one of those really hard ones I made ( I really hope I stop making them as options J ). 

Mark, yeah Mark, that Mark ...  was right when he said how hard it was to re-boot me after I shut down.  But what better choice do I have … all files corrupted, the systems gotta go.

Why restore when you can have a new lease on life.

The shut down only hurts in the beginning.  Don’t we all get used to something each time.  It breaks us, but doesn’t kill us.  The pain changes us but we don’t actually die from it.     It only hurts for as long as it hurts.  Then it makes a full stop.  Only God knows when.  But it ends.  I swear to that. 

***

Death is always a first time.

The memories of my dear Phia’s afternoon wedding.  The sleepless, happiest weekend before that.   My intoxication from love.   My reckless imprudence.  The price it cost me.  It wrenched my soul.   My baddest heart break, it was.  My second serving of mean feat.

I still couldn’t help but ask, whatever happened to all that love?

Everyone thought, but they're all wrong ... I'm not saying ... everything inside me is gone.
I have may be some years left.  I'm going down with this.  When everything else is rosy, but this one, I guess, I'm bringing this with me.

I haven’t forgiven myself.   I still hurt.   I love you still.   You just don’t know.