on being Jeszica

I’m 45.  May be half way through, may be soon, may be later.  

I wanna be Jessica.  I wanna be kiszed lyke Jessica.  But before all that I think I gotta find me myHelen™ :). 

But Josh, that Myers guy … he said it all … said it all right.   It was soooo good, sooooo right and so late.  :(  Marinating …

But this aint about Josh, that Myers guy.  This is about myHelen™ ;-)

*and this was what Josh, that Myers guy said, " and I was happier when you got so sad…was not because I didn’t want you to be happy.It was just because I wanted to be part of the reason you were happy. -”

http://imoviequotes.com/best-favourite-scenes-from-kissing-jessica-stein-quoteskissing-jessica-stein-2001.html#sthash.mJxvqIck.dpuf”

LSS

Marketing Team in full force. Sales deck all set for the Pitch. Events presentation was pretty on queue. Eastwood bound on a rainy afternoon.        


 It was a tricky road Jaimee was driving. I was on her right. Life is but a thinning thread.    It was head-on. The weight of wreck. The thin thread.   And my mangled self. A dashboard burning cold. I didn’t die that day. Or for a minute i thought i was.   And may be somehow i wished i did. 

Four years ago, On that road, in that car.   Crashing down.  This song was playing.

... only a Father's Love ...

Thank God for all the Daddies in the world.

nineteenth of June, four years after ...

Today, I'd be jusz tryin to record what happened yesterday, a little rainy Friday,

Backwards.  That Wednesday nyte, Asya-Filipino Restaurant served really delicious frozen Margarita.  You know, I don't usually show up to some late-night invites.  But it's my baby, Roxanne's birthday.  I wouldn't miss that for the world.   And so I didn't. :) ... Finally met Carl and Rey, I missed hanging out with Mons of PNE, Rye and Steve lookin' good together, Maxi was like ... hummmm

Roxie's bday, cheat day.  I counted 4 freezin' Margies, and two sticks of Marlboro lytes arrggghhh ... gotta get back to rehab quick  :(

I stayed up late.  I stayed home alone the next day. Must say, I'm really done with the nyte life.

Having missed a work day, made my yesterday really toxic at the office.  From land disputes, to urgent MOA, from cry babies, to aging field officers with unbearable dementia, my patience getting scarce and Othello getting it from me!   All's well that ends well.  By 7:00 PM, i collected all my loots from my online suppliers.  And just about ready to get my tired self trekking home. 

The train has been a wreck the entire week   ... so I welcomed with open arms Rye's offer to drop me up to Buendia ... so sweet of him.  so by a little over 7 PM, we hit the road, traversing the the main streets of Manila, a place very dear to the both of us.  Kami ni Ryan batang Maynila pareho.  We had his playlist blasting inside his car.  We were singing along in between out chit chats about how the day went, his recent break-up with Ed, the prospects of Steve, I was engaged in the conversation while trying to film our road trip --- full of Manila traffic hehe, city lights, and the sun gracefully giving way to midnight skies, it started to drizzle, and you know what, you really wouldn't know it, if it was a  smile that was on my face or a crack where the light gets in.  My gaze gets blurry still, like there's something in my eye, but it was suppose to be a joyride that night, I really did not want to play the Scrooge.  I've got trained tear ducts, they can fall on-call, or stay up there at the rim and let chilly winds dry them up without a trace. Like you really wouldn't notice.

My daughter's home from her 2-month OJT stint in Makati.  I got home late so I had to wake her up with a kiss goodnight from mommy.

Backwards.  Earlier Friday afternoon, I was on the phone with Mymy.  Trying to get a job in CITEM HR :-) for my cousin.  She asked about you.  She asked for your name again.  And I couldn't even say it. I tried to be funny, but my voice was like a little breaking.  I had to think quick of an excuse, just to keep it short.  So I did. That phone call was over.

Home.  Very very late. It's always worse on Fridays, evenings, when it rains.    And this ...

Some memories still hurts, and lingers.  But, what the heck, you still want to keep them. 

I tried to pull myself together, and played Insidious 3.  Funny, I slept the whole time.  :)

A little past 3 AM, I was awaken by a dream.  Of you, and a life and love that wasn't mine from the very start.  The creepy thing about it, is that, while it was going on, it really felt so real.  Panaginip lang yun pero masakit na (masakit pa din), so think about reality ...

***

"it is in these moments of tender and ridiculous nostalgia that i know that something inside of me is still broken ..."

Trilogy?

once written,

"I can be sincerely angry. Sincerely jealous. Sincerely brutal. Sincerely naughty. Sincerely vindictive. Sincerely stubborn. Sincerely difficult. I can be a sincere enemy. But then, I can be sincerely generous. Sincerely caring. Sincerely appreciative. Sincerely gracious. Sincerely funny. Sincerely forgiving. Sincerely sugar and spice and everything nice. Sincerely easy. I can be a genuine friend.
I am your sweetest witch and the biggest, blackest, baddest, wolfest piXie. Which ever role I play, that is truthfully me. Love it or hate it. I can wink and gnash my teeth on you."

I fall in, and fall out, come around and leave.  He calls me Sincerity, that's me.

at rare times, I am negotiable tho.  that's when i talk garbage.  yeah, i can be trashy, too.  not because that's my way, but because that's the kind of connection you deserve.  jusz givin it to you actually! lest, you forget, you dealin' with a smart arse bitch!  .

i'm never good at making friends.  i'm  better at keepin ' em.  i stopped mixin' em.  they're not too many anyway.  i've long ceased from trying to win over people to my side.  you got to earn the spot.   i'm easy but i aint movin'.    so it's all up to you how you gonna make it.  you got to ache for it to deserve it.  and if you do, that's how i keep you.  i don't do "unconditionals".  i only do "mutuals".  i think it's fair nuff.  i ain't God anyway.  

i'm 45.  even when the world expects me to be more tolerant with age.  i think that's belittling my lineage, my education, my gifts.   i am committed to grow old and go, and look down at anything or anyone mediocre and superficial and dishonest and incompetent and the poor in character.  while i am negotiable, there are things that cannot be compromised.  i draw the  line somewhere. i ain't crossing it.

this is my reputation,  i've come along way to build it.  sweat, blood and tears.  i intend to keep it that way.

this is how i am.  this is how i'm stitched together.  so when i do "Like" i really do.  and when i say "Lovely"  im really seeing it through my rose colored glasses.  when i get to be part of a thread its because i want to be a part of it, and so i put words together like my own masterpiece.  i don't say things for the lack of anything better to say.  and i dont talk to people just because i dont have anyone to  talk to.   i keep to myself so damn perfectly.  id rather that  i talk to my inner goddess or write or sleep or wear a poker face or tinker with anything or even play dead lol.  it cannot be forced.  when i'm engaged, its 100% or i disengage without remorse.  i still am stubbornly, painfully, insanely an all or nothing girl. i can survive being placed in a room, and you are the marshmallow i don't wanna have.  As for you, go get a puppy, get a hobby, clean your toilet. For the love of God, do something worthwhile.  Don't you get caught dead with boredom.  That's not our nature.

As for me, once written,

"Anything less than mad passionate extraordinary love is a waste of my time ."