I ran to church yesterday morning. I had so many things to say. But did not have the courage to speak them one by one. Scorned and shamed. I was tongue tied before God. It was communion Sunday --- a celebration when God's is most forgiving. And all that I said was, "Lord, you know why I'm here".
I took an emergency call in the middle of the Service. There was trouble and it was a close call.
People can change over time. Many times we have to walk away even from those we deeply care about. There are many reasons why. Pain is one of them. I guess it's not fair to say that just because you left it meant you didn't love the other person as much as the one who held on. Lest we forget that pain hits the most silent, vulnerable core of our being. That core we hide from the world or sometimes we even deny to our very selves. It gives way, and destroys the best parts of our being. You know the best parts that we've struggled and labored to put together for a long period of time, like a lifetime. Pains sifts through it easily like hard water in pavement cracks, Those little fractures on seemingly cemented grounds, we thought were harmless ... can bring down a fortress.
That kind of destruction is viral. It infects the innocent lives that surrounds us. And yes, even the very source of that hurt. The circles of influence. There is no antidote. There is no balm. None to a heart that is broken, and that kind of pain and sadness that comes from it. Nobody knows when it stops. We just hope that one day it will go away.
That's when you pack your things, and leave. It's heavy huh walking away with that big big suitcase full of regrets. So it's not that you didn't love her enough. But because you will destroy her even more after you have become the person badly destroyed by that pain she caused you. She was hard water, you've got pavement cracks, don't let your Kingdom go down to the grounds, and let all your broken pieces swallowed up in the big ocean. She needs you whole, and in good working condition. So may be some other time huh. May be not today. Not this Sunday.
Or may be never, too. We can't tell. But from this destructive situation, you saved yourself. You saved her, too. I will not question your feelings for her. But may be, sometimes, it's not all about that.
We love people. They break our trust. We leave. Should we go back because we still love them but not trust them. Of course, we can. But I suggest we don't. Not until we are ready to trust them again, that innocent, that pure, that immaculate, may be not that kind anymore, the same way we trusted them the first time. But that just-let-it-go kind, like i-wanna-do-this-again kind of trust. But if we can't do like-kinda trust, will see tables turned. And we'd end up hurting them in return. So, rather not. Love without trust is like playing catch a grenade. And isn't it that love and pain and love and pain is such a vicious cycle. We go round and round in circle until we trip, and lose ourselves in the process.
How then? I don't know. Dunno when. May be soon, later or never. I dunno how. May be after we've processed our pain, and heal. Then may be we're ready to go trusting people again, even strangers, even those who once broke our hearts.
I promised to pray for them. I did. It was communion Sunday --- a celebration when God is most gracious. Dear Lord, healing please to friends torn between leaving and tearing each other apart.
Here's to Olav.
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