The fall from Grace

People are needy in general.  I used to be too.  After a failed marriage and a failed after marriage, I guess, it’s human nature to long for  a relationship, something, anything.  Or may be just regular sex.  Or may be just missing sex.  There’s gotta be a need.  So after Dennis, there was Panyong and Dresden, some times cute, some times sweet, nevertheless, all failed attempts.  For some closure, in case anyone of these three men are reading this entry, my-after-marriage relationships were all borne out of need, must say.  I was too obsessed to prove something at least to myself, that somehow I can get a decent, mature,  mutually satisfying  really deep connection with the opposite sex.  I rigidly worked on that for a time.

So what is this all about?  Addressing a need?  Finding the One?  Keeping the One?  Losing the One?  I learned about their story.  And love as a convenient excuse.  And how cunning and selfish we become.  We fulfill a need all for all the wrong reasons.  I thought it was too juvenile, and yet we still behave carelessly like that at mid life.

Coupling.  That was sweet.  Too sweet.  Too all over the place.  What we display publicly, I hope, is real in private.  Not just private intimate moments, but alone time moments.  Just between you and your bed sheets if bed sheets is your conscience is like between you and your God.  That’s what I meant, when I say private.

I remember Science High School.  We were Seniors, and they were like a bunch of cute brainy kids.  I remember Cindy.  I love Cindy.  I so wanted her for my little sister.  We were such smart brats, and we mutually adored each other.  Who else were there?  Dognuts’ siblings.  Nat’s Joy and Arlene’s Tino.  Oh, well she, she was unknown, just sayin’. 

So that figures each time she gets a little fidgety, pushy to the point of aggression lol.  She is over the top.  She goes overboard.  Too much accolade can become hideous.  Makes me question sincerity.   I questioned that from the very beginning.  Too much of pretty is pompous, especially when there’s lack of it, I mean pretty ;).  Then there’s about breeding and intelligence.  I don’t know if you’d agree with me.  A face can have a makeover but what’s underneath the skin must be really really deep --- and that’s about upbringing and wit. You can fake it, yes, but easily recognizable.  Actually, it’s a give away. Just sayin’

So she’s got like this other account.  Not fool proof enough.  How could you now fool proof it, you silly silly gurl :)).  I chanced upon it on a single day and I immediately knew what was coming. When you lie about something, I mean really serious, justice operates in such a way, that one day that shit is gonna stink, and there’s nothing you can do anymore.  She shouted to the world, to his family, to her friends that she loves him, yet there’s somebody else.  Technically, she cheated on him.  Honestly, that’s not love.  That’s “need” workin’ desperately on her arse lol.

His hands’ ain’t clean either. His term of endearment is one size fits all.  He’s got replacements haging neatly in his closet.  He prolonged it so he searches.  What used to be a want, may be, is now a need, a big bad void of a need.  Just exactly how many hearts did he leave broken?    What goes around comes around. Loneliness catches up with you in old age.  This is the example the next generation gets.  It’s in the bloodline now.   Men like this just got too much love to give.   Love as a need.   Then the world is in chaos.  (and I’m warning my daughter as fast as I can lmao).

It only takes two people to degrade love, all its strength, and beauty and meaning.    Dalawang taong sigurista at oportunista.  Two utilitarians, who need love more than want it.

At one place, and time.  Here, love lies.