- January 20, 2014
- January 20, 2014
- January 20, 2014
- January 21, 2014
- Janaury 28, 2015
∞ ∞ ∞
Some points to ponder
1) For God's sake of course we all know this perfectly well ... two people stay in a marriage for many different reasons ...(and excuses). Love, possibly. :)
Top of the head, here are my two cents worth ... consenting adults stay married for a variety of justifications, to wit:
- social conformity (religion included ... a friend swore that she'd rather get into affairs why not but she will never file a divorce from her irresponsible, philandering extravagant husband because they're sagrado INC)
- protecting a family name - putting weight on image more than honor. False honor, blind loyalty very common amongst Filipino families.
- Marriage as a NEED. Society dictates that people settle down at a certain point in their lives. Most of the time we marry the person a) we feel obligated to b) for convenience c) currently in our lives.
- The children. Decisions get divided because of the children, must say younger children/children with special needs are the most convenient and accessible. We all know that as we grow old in a marriage, little ones, they grow old, too, and eventually, they leave us to pursue a life, find their own happiness, and so we are left, senile and unable to rationalize the choices we made at the time we made them. Trying to convince our torn and worn selves that may be somehow we used the right motivation. My daughter is 18 soon, and I'm already putting together my revalida. :)
- this my safe place. i cannot go wishing and wanting for second chances without breaking my heart and hurting myself. now you know, why I stayed, and kept to myself.
The decision to marry or stay married is all about expectations. Hopefully love is part of that. Usually it is. We all started with love. How far love goes/went is/was another story.
2) Rosellyn is just a number
Dunno. But i have this feeling. I checked on her 2 Fbs and i couldn't help but worry. I actually could ask his brother. Rolyn and I are connected in google+ ... but honestly ... actually ... do i really want to know? I'm so cynical about all these that I don't need anyone's sob stories at this point in my life. I don't want to know that she broke her heart after betting on her "another" second chance. Much that I don't want to hear that she went running back to her a sad, cold and lonely marriage and dark days just started again in mid life.
But I'd be of proud of her for pushing it forward. The courage to leave a marriage gone sour, and fall in love crazy again like when we were twennies. Ain't she bold nuff to do both. The two things many of us are scared of. I'd give her 5 gold stars for that.
But if she was reckless and sissy ... am takin' em back and she owes me 10 more for that. Oh, please I can't forgive her for breaking her heart. Old folks' hearts are like vintage China and there's a big bad wild bull on rampage --- we can't live the rest of lives and die with a broken heart. No way! That's ruthless fate! Fuck destiny!
3) The BIG conflict
She was praying for me. I didn't ask anymore who she was rooting for. :) My turn's done. This is not about me anymore.
I have a very specific prayer for her. Our friend deserves a good man. Mike or not Mike. Pero sana hindi na lang si Mike. That specific. ..................... loloudly
From a far, it seems like I'm contradicting myself. I'm jaded, mate! Remember, that time, my leap of faith .... I plunged and took the risk. I sold out. I traded all my aces. I had my time with love, I've thought crazy, and was committed to execute all those crazy thoughts. Remember, we were talking about me coming to Sydney, where it could be easier to get a US Visa, and jump ship to America. It's now part of my checkered past. Nice try huh. I think I deserve a little credit for trying, don't you think. At least hopefully when I get to be 80 years old, and an all used up woman :) ... I look back at the time I was 41 years old, I can say, I honestly did try one last time.
I have high hopes for all my friends. I am harder to myself. Also, because I know my old records too well. I can't. I can't anymore keep on stitching myself back. It's getting gross as you age you know. Hindi na cute. :)
Love left her with only one bad record. That was all in her scoreboard :) Her last attempt with love was in our early 20s, and she married him even arrgghhh ... and now fate's laid it all down, who knows, she's got another crack at love.
I am optimistic with Jomat, she's got better chances.
I am cruel to myself I know. I deserve it, and a punch to my face, too .lol
4) ... this, too, shall pass.
… nobody moves on … life just goes on. And one day, it will be over. We bring everything. All that the world couldn’t touch, all that not even the heavens could heal - carnal desires, fears, doubts, failures, anger, hurts, bitter memories, bad dreams, burdened conscience, unforgiveable sins, promises not meant, old wounds, broken hearts, unrequitted love, all the venoms of our lifetime, buried with us, in cold, lonely, forgotten graves.
Top of the head, here are my two cents worth ... consenting adults stay married for a variety of justifications, to wit:
- social conformity (religion included ... a friend swore that she'd rather get into affairs why not but she will never file a divorce from her irresponsible, philandering extravagant husband because they're sagrado INC)
- protecting a family name - putting weight on image more than honor. False honor, blind loyalty very common amongst Filipino families.
- Marriage as a NEED. Society dictates that people settle down at a certain point in their lives. Most of the time we marry the person a) we feel obligated to b) for convenience c) currently in our lives.
- The children. Decisions get divided because of the children, must say younger children/children with special needs are the most convenient and accessible. We all know that as we grow old in a marriage, little ones, they grow old, too, and eventually, they leave us to pursue a life, find their own happiness, and so we are left, senile and unable to rationalize the choices we made at the time we made them. Trying to convince our torn and worn selves that may be somehow we used the right motivation. My daughter is 18 soon, and I'm already putting together my revalida. :)
- this my safe place. i cannot go wishing and wanting for second chances without breaking my heart and hurting myself. now you know, why I stayed, and kept to myself.
The decision to marry or stay married is all about expectations. Hopefully love is part of that. Usually it is. We all started with love. How far love goes/went is/was another story.
2) Rosellyn is just a number
Dunno. But i have this feeling. I checked on her 2 Fbs and i couldn't help but worry. I actually could ask his brother. Rolyn and I are connected in google+ ... but honestly ... actually ... do i really want to know? I'm so cynical about all these that I don't need anyone's sob stories at this point in my life. I don't want to know that she broke her heart after betting on her "another" second chance. Much that I don't want to hear that she went running back to her a sad, cold and lonely marriage and dark days just started again in mid life.
But I'd be of proud of her for pushing it forward. The courage to leave a marriage gone sour, and fall in love crazy again like when we were twennies. Ain't she bold nuff to do both. The two things many of us are scared of. I'd give her 5 gold stars for that.
But if she was reckless and sissy ... am takin' em back and she owes me 10 more for that. Oh, please I can't forgive her for breaking her heart. Old folks' hearts are like vintage China and there's a big bad wild bull on rampage --- we can't live the rest of lives and die with a broken heart. No way! That's ruthless fate! Fuck destiny!
3) The BIG conflict
She was praying for me. I didn't ask anymore who she was rooting for. :) My turn's done. This is not about me anymore.
I have a very specific prayer for her. Our friend deserves a good man. Mike or not Mike. Pero sana hindi na lang si Mike. That specific. ..................... loloudly
From a far, it seems like I'm contradicting myself. I'm jaded, mate! Remember, that time, my leap of faith .... I plunged and took the risk. I sold out. I traded all my aces. I had my time with love, I've thought crazy, and was committed to execute all those crazy thoughts. Remember, we were talking about me coming to Sydney, where it could be easier to get a US Visa, and jump ship to America. It's now part of my checkered past. Nice try huh. I think I deserve a little credit for trying, don't you think. At least hopefully when I get to be 80 years old, and an all used up woman :) ... I look back at the time I was 41 years old, I can say, I honestly did try one last time.
I have high hopes for all my friends. I am harder to myself. Also, because I know my old records too well. I can't. I can't anymore keep on stitching myself back. It's getting gross as you age you know. Hindi na cute. :)
Love left her with only one bad record. That was all in her scoreboard :) Her last attempt with love was in our early 20s, and she married him even arrgghhh ... and now fate's laid it all down, who knows, she's got another crack at love.
I am optimistic with Jomat, she's got better chances.
I am cruel to myself I know. I deserve it, and a punch to my face, too .lol
4) ... this, too, shall pass.
… nobody moves on … life just goes on. And one day, it will be over. We bring everything. All that the world couldn’t touch, all that not even the heavens could heal - carnal desires, fears, doubts, failures, anger, hurts, bitter memories, bad dreams, burdened conscience, unforgiveable sins, promises not meant, old wounds, broken hearts, unrequitted love, all the venoms of our lifetime, buried with us, in cold, lonely, forgotten graves.
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| ... and thank you for all the lovin' mate!!! (despite of the-messed-up me ... I'm your all time favorite NUT CASE!) |
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