s t a y

... but ... sometimes its not always good you know, always having to start all over again ... and leaving  ... and winning over your demons.

you see, it's not easy to make new friends in midlife.  when you're grounded.  and cynical.  and proud.  and lazy.  and jaded.  so coming to a place where friendship seems impossible.  is also coming to terms with yourself ...  your chaotic lovable self.     this part makes it tricky in the beginning, and difficult towards the end.

... but ... it has been a vicious cycle for the last couple of years.  like build something with strangers.  make something out of anything.  goodbyes inevitable.  i promised to keep in touch.  but then, sometimes it's  easier to fade away than to keep a promise. or i'm just too tired.

I  got 46 summers. I can't be doing this until God knows when ... you know begin again.  after walking away.   when too much of leaving feels like a disease that makes you numb ... suddenly starting all over again becomes that incurable feeling that doesn't feel good anymore.

I'm complaining to myself.  And myself is not arguing with me.  There's such a word as "steady". There's such a a thing as caving in and settling down.  This is my new demon ...

... when a gypsy fights to mellow but always find ...

... a place to crash