Mirandizing ...

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to be speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.

Knowing and understanding your rights as I have explained them to you, are you willing to answer my questions without an attorney present?


(after the Redd Quill doctrine ... it's a major major conspiracy bluff for the nth time, the shag pad is real though :) ... aint we jealous of sinful beds huh ;) ... connive lang si pimps ... i mean, aint we all suppose to support our friends causes. like we all do, like we all did in the past. a friend's got to do what it's got to do.)

Sophia Clarisse is 14 today!

I woke up early today. 1st of March 2011. Helped her for school, with her two boxes of choc'late cakes.

It’s been 14 years. And I still have sweet imaginings of those small footsteps running around our house like a little pixie. That time when our house looked like a pre-school where every wall was covered with the color chart, the alphabet, the numbers 1 to 10, etc etc. Everything was General Patronage, we only play nursery songs or Mozart, and watch original Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and all of Disney’s Princesses, and Sesame Street, too for everyone’s entertainment including us, adults. We went strictly child friendly. Have one room solely for her toys, all safe, non-toxic, mainly plush, educational, interactives :). I started to grow her little library of kiddie books, art works, supplements. I hope I didn’t bore her with those choices (though I am sure now that I did :( ). I come home from CITEM, and personally hand wash her laundry only with white Perla soap. I don’t mix soiled baby clothes with ours. I have always been a weird peculiar mommy. At 41, I still am, I started young :). She never got any of those rashes on her tush, my mom and I got her 4 sets ( 12 each) of Bird’s Eye cloth diaper, which Lola Miles tidied up all lose ends to make her precious one comfortable and safe. I only used Pampers and Huggies alternately at night or when we shop or when we visit her pedia. She had a complete round of inoculations and boosters. Her pedia gave her first piercing. (Lola) Tita Marie gave her first hair cut. She was surrounded by branded, expensive kiddie furnitures, above all she was in the company of people who loved and cared with all might and sincerity. I had a nanny during her first two years only because I was thinking of a major adjustment at work. Lola Meding gladly lived with us to oversee the nanny. It was such a secured life for me and my little one.

I was kinda literal as a first time mom. As usual, I tried to read about how to raise babies, toddlers, pre-schoolers, graders, and now adolescents. Theories and practical “magics” from olden times can always come handy. My first 9 years, my own mother, and grandmother had been very helpful. Sometimes I dunno how I would have survived my green apple years as a young working mother without the two of them.

And survived we did. Raising her. From nursing to teething, from weaning to potty training, from her pedotontics to her developmental pediatrician, swimming class, piano lessons, ballet, her learning challenges, modifying our home to help her deal with ADHD, from traditional to Montessori schooling, camping, Sunday school, graduation, dances and school presentations.

I have seen it all. And seeing some more. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to play that role as mother to my daughter. I remember getting some accusations in the past, not much about how I was trying to raise her, but more about how my personal relationships intertwined with my parenting. So they say. I think they were wrong about that.

It’s been 14 years. Look at her.

"She scoots, she bikes, she skates, she does pirouette, she rides the roller coaster and all the stuff i already consider as extremely life threatening physical activities arrgghh, she camps, she sleeps over,she commutes and takes the streets on her own, she cooks, shes’s techy, she still tells me her secrets, and above all, she's so so not into boys! (at least not yet).

Mommy already excited about the up and coming years.

Meantime, she's 14 today. I gave her time-off from her tutorial classes. She will be having a little "cake" party in school later. Her father and i got her a new ITouch, fourth gen, 32 gig :) ... she is so adoring it!

Happy birthday Sophie!


♥♥♥ Some baby Sophie stuff ♥♥♥


Two pink lines, they say. I remember coming home at Julian Eymard for a family weekend gathering. I was so lazy, and groggy and sleepy all the time. I usually was playful with the boys. But nah, not that afternoon. Mama was already suspicious. The boys were playing innocently trying to get their Ate's attention. I was living with my boyfriend for almost 6 months, I called for cousz Jerome to goto the nearest pharmacy for something. Everyone went quiet. I went to the toilet silently. I came out to see each and everyone of them by the bathroom door :). And all I said was, "they were supposed to be pink and two. But these were purple (and two). My mother could not contain her joy. She embraced me and called my boyfriend right away. Who was doing some plumbing in the house, which noise and mess, I could not take. That figures. I went to back sleep with that sweet pretty smile smacked on my face.



I was not contented. I went to see my good friend Thelms at Gotamcoville. I prodded her to to accompany me to Madocs. She was hesitant. It was past 6 in the evening, no labs, no doctors, unless for emergency cases :(. I won over her. I told her about yesterday morning at Julian Eymard. I showed her the two lovely purple lines. I questioned the reliability of test packs those days. I am getting a frog test. She gave me that "Oh-my-God,-Irms,-are-you-really-pregnant-look?!" I paid double. Special lab test. I had the paper on my hand in just a few minutes. I told Thelms, it didn't say anything. Thelms disbelief, ayun o Irmz, naghuhumiyaw na POSITIVE!" After x no. of years of starving myself, Maymay and I piggin' out at Mcdo jusz across Madocs. 7th July 1996.


One of the many ultrasounds we took. The first one was for the gender. The next ones were biophysical. Then doppler's. My OB suspected that 80% of my mom's congenital was on me. On my 3rd trimester, Sophie had a heartbeat but no chest movement. I was optimistic. I still am.


3-1-97 12:16 pm Baby Girl of Merza, Irma Dr. Sese (her 1st pedia) Dr. M Lim (my Ob gyne) - - - - Sophie's hospital wrist tag.

Breakin' my manna ...

Must not forget to break the bread and give thanks.

Despite of the fact that I was in my usual “pasaway” mode. Again too much beer and too little meds. My vow, sabi ko tatapusin ko lang February. By March I promise to be a good girl. My left eye flickers. I think I need to see my doctor again. :(

So those manna from heaven …

1) God bless Lolit for being the bearer of good news ;), and the brains behind the “black plan” hehe. The “black plan”, intriguing for Marlon and ACD, but we cannot disclose for propriety and security reasons hahaha. So tomorrow is our 5th day since the conception of Lolit’s “black plan”. I am having heart murmurs, half of my body is numb. “Time is gold, life is short. Help us please.” …

2) Lui's Monchits. I really hope it turns out well.

3) The week that was, another week of sweet bonding moments with Bok, Diani and Fayie on a Wednesday night. May barilan sa Starbucks :(.

4) Fayie’s treat at Treats (again) for me and (Mark) Emil on a Friday night. This time, may sunog naman hahaha.

5) Sunday night family bonding. Revelations I do not want to hear anymore. Revelations too late to be reveled.

6) This week I finished reading Choc’late for a Woman’s Heart. I knew from the start that it wasn't really a stunning book to read. In fact, I found some stories quite naïve, and old-fashioned :) or may be I am just too odd, all into things complicated and dysfunctional and crazy and weird :). A few one-liners, and I think, they were not even twenty. They hit you, smack just right there, exactly where your heartbeat is. (Sharing em soon here.)

Every book I get to finish successfully (without cheating :)) I consider an accomplishment. So there, another diamond in my tiara ;)

7) This week, too I begun with Eat, Pray, Love sequel :) … “Committed” … me already eggcited about Liz’ Brazilian golden boy, Felipe. My first chapter, and I must say I am really into Liz’ sense of humor. I think we have the same, straight forward, honest, sometimes dark, sometimes angry, sex starved wit! ;)

8) We got our bags all tied up. Thanks to Sophie’s dad and his crew.

9) 28th of February. Last day. The 1st quarter is almost done. Summer comes and I’m 41. Nine months and it’s Christmas again. Tomorrow, my not-so-little-girl-anymore is 14 years old.

My Featured Bling ... tadahhhh








“Irma’s Bar” … the humble beginnings:) … minus the mood lights.

The pinks, the peach and the purple ones were all gifts from Bok. The pinkies were the ones we usually used during wine sessions in CITEM. The long-stemmed purple was one of those no-occasion gifts. Peach was for Sophie which she uses all the time like a water goblet.

The tiny Hello Kitty glass was a personal favorite. I love Hello Kitty. Plus it was a gift from Dennis when we were still together.

My colorful wine glasses hang sexily in my kitchen, meantime that I can’t afford a real bar, complete with all the mood lights. Woot woot Still a small section in my kitchen, suspended on air, teasingly inviting me for a drink ;)

Old Photographs ... (I, Me, Myself Series)

a stolen shot of my reflection ;) ... me and my far sighted texting caught in camera, trapped between high tech sliding walls :), Iloilo City 02/20/2011.



@L'Fisher Hotel, getting ready for my shower. :)



Leaving my cabin for Peñafrancia Festival.




Close up shot.






Bespectacled.











Mah Little Flower Mykee's fave shot of Ate Nena. Taken @ Waterfront Hotel Cebu after a back-breaking ingress.




This is baby cousz Jon Mark's fave shot of Ate.




Bangs @ 39!



coy




Boheme!




a gYpsy look




My baby days @ new office. Showing off my off-shoulder ;)




Aviator shades ... cousz Rory's and mine's favorite bling bling from Human



...a little reluctant :(



...but a smile is a plus. ;)





A-Happy New Year 2008-shot after a long chat with ...


Fresh outta showah!



and tat fresh outta bed look.



Going.




Going!



Gone.



Blondei!






Mask!




Up against the light. Masked!



Welcome to our masquerade.





my adorable, huggable ;) Kamiseta


My Very Sexy by Victoria's Secret ... a fave shot by Angge.




... of painful bus rides.



Me the Egyptian, playful with SOphie again




Me .. shy piXie mommy ... playin' pretend with Sophie.




Joel's personal pick ;) ... behind me, my antique sungkaan which we got from one of the Hall's antique shops (grabe hirap ni Dencio na bitbitan yan from Roxas Blvd. to my place in Dasma ;) ), Bok bought her own antigo there, actually sabay kami heheh ... can you see my little fairies and scented candles behind me, too ... and of course, I do love my huge French window!



Beer and arrozcaldo sessions with my good old friend, Ronnie @ Marina



One of old faves ... long wavy locks there, lips on Victoria's Secret ... one version with baby pic resting on my workstation in GMA.


too shy ;)



Chillax with my cousz @ Tita Marie's house after Lola's funeral in '97.

"What If " comes after "Why didn't ... " (soundin' off my fave Santana and Chad Kroeger sweetie)

"What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will.

Valentines 2011

...in the running for almost a month now in Facebook :).

love life

A pair of shoes can tell a thousand stories.

Whoooaaaaa red Lotus Feet shoes. I was so amused. I couldn’t get over it. Old fashioned, yes. But was cute on her feet. Admit it, not everyone would have the guts to wear something like that in any place, in these days. She originally wanted a pair of kung fu shoes. Grade school days, public school days shoes. I don’t know if they still sell it in Chinatown, I was in Beijing and Nanning twice, but I haven’t seen even old Chinese folks wearin’ kung fu shoes. I am a fan myself. So comfy but that kind of comfort I guess, does not come handy these days. So my friend, settled for a pair of red, Lotus Feet shoes (my way of calling it). She was so amused that it got me amused. Hahahaha … cute Lotus feet.

Colorful snickers. And her heavy knapsack am sure was full with soiled laundry hahaha. I admire her from living her life in the streets even when she got herself a 5K a month studio near our office. Our office, initially, I was suppose to meet her there. She got stuck in Mantrade traffic, and I got a little impatient as always, I decided to proceed to beehive :) to grab a cheeseburger for dinner. To me, this redhead is always ruggedly sexy :). She was asked about her status, we gave two different answers in chorus :). She said, “It’s complicated very.” I said, “slightly used.” I brought her house down. She hugged me tightly that I couldn’t breathe. So I said may be she was very drunk that reunion night when she talked about her “almost-there-sex life” with an “almost-there lovelife.” :) “Almost” is always better than “no almost”. She spilled my coffee on my hand and mauve bag. Lotus feet got busy cleaning us up hahaha. Cheers to one of my favorite stubbornly curly redheads in the world. Dirty is ruggedly sexy. :)

That famously purple 2 inch wedge. Displaying unconventional 10 purple toe nails. They made me go in circle in Quezon Av. They made me take the bridge. They made me walk on filthy, smelly streets. And made me hug a long lost once friend. It was a night of few things for me. and my 3-in-i cafe all over my hand. craZybeautiful mess. as always.

She was ladylike (for once) with brown ballet flats. I teased her all the time we were together because I have been used to her deep pink rubber shoes especially during those days when her arthritis was really bad which is more often than not bad. Or may be I jusz miss her especially these times. Sad times. Two used to be my favorite number. But not when two had gone too soon. Suddenly, there is jusz the two of us. She was in tears and I hated it. I guess, me, am not jusz not ready to say my last goodbye. She road her bike with her hubby. Dainty ballet flats and black fighter helmet, only she can get away with that. I told her not to invite danger so she’d better keep her hands to herself :). She ... who will always be my lovely earth.

Monday night with friends. Not a good time to go drinking. Not a good time to bid a friend farewell. Surreal.

My little fairy couldn’t make it. Eyes too swollen to be seen in public. I missed her pair of shoes. And missed her story for the day. I texted her quick and brief, life is short, darling, so may be, it’s God’s way of telling , we start caring, and showing that care to the person next to us, people we endear ... for we don’t know life, we don't understand life, not yet, that in a blink of eye, suddenly, dear life is gone. Gone jusz like that. Not overseas. Not to another office. Not in another place and time. Gone for good. Unreachable, untouchable, beyond repair gone. So love, and show love while we can.

Me and old friend of almost 30 years. So I said, “We are really getting old by the day. Friends our generation, and this world, they leave. Leave to a place nobody knows if it really exists. Years, decades, and centuries that will be forgotten in time. Recorded memories we can never bring with us. Leave without recall of ugly and beautiful. That is my opinion. I believe it’s true. Nobody has come to life after life to dispute that. “Nat, friends die in their 40s. It’s too short. Time catching up with us. It scares me. It makes me sad. Let’s see each other soon, Ok. ASAP!"

Night cap after a taxi ride, from QC to Lawton to Pasay to Baclaran. A recap in my head of:
1) Boner ;)
2) Shag pad ;)
3) A sack of beans
4) Bulong

:)

So I trek that road again. I, me and myself. Having known that news ;) …. shag fad ;), I shrugged of all my fears and shames of dirty alleys and wide highways. I shall travel it day by day with my hair down knowing I will no longer, not even by accident, find you anymore in my long, alone journey. Ride my ride in huge, open windows with my hair in the air.

We now travel different road maps. We are never, no longer part of our lifelines and plans. Your life alone. My life lonely. As a matter of factly.

Both us, old and weary. Some day, you’ll get tired of this, too. Today was yesterday.

September’s August.




(a writer’s word only this writer understands. So don’t sweat, you’ll never get it. My fault, baby, I never got you there.)