19th of June (2011)

I remember. That was one of the happiest moments in my mid life. Returning to each other was so swift and easy. No faults that needed forgiveness. No hurt that needed healing. No angst. No regrets. But only pure, innocent feelings, we both probably did not recognize how strong and lasting it have become until we met again online. It felt like there was never 30 years between us. No 7,421 nautical miles that ever separated us. We almost forgot all about the broken relationships and bad marriages we both went through over the years. Suddenly two worlds collided beyond time and space.

We wanted each other so badly ... 3 decades was drought so we went thirsty ... 3 decades was famine we were so hungry to be together ...

You taught me how to cook, and for a short period of time I learned a few dishes. I was hoping, one day, I could serve you your favorite pinakbet :) I dunno if I was able to tell you that I love to learn to bake and design lovely cakes, and I also wish to make ‘em for you, and the boys, and princess.

You said you were coming home this summer. Celebrate my birthday with me. I was hoping you’d surprise me in my office . Or may be you’d call up Ate Weng since you asked for her number so we can hang out in Starbucks, her usual strong, black coffee, my signature hot choc’late, you and your caffe misto. You know, I saved up all my VLs so we can vacation in Tagaytay and run away to Baguio (and fulfill your fantasy of making out in the bus) :). Bring you to Eat Bulaga and have a photo op with your crush, Julia. :)

I promised you, so I got it for you. Weng’s nephew’s buying it from me so he can resell … somebody offered to post it in Ebay. When a friend showed me all your Thanksgiving etc pictures with the woman you married, I thought of sending this to the Brokenship Museum in Zagreb. But this pair was meant for you. For 7 months now, it has been resting quietly inside my ottoman, collecting dusts and webs. But still I can’t give it away.

Didn’t we make big schmaltzy crazy love each time we get the chance. And that one, big, bold dream to have a baby girl of our own, and call her Mikaela J. Didn’t we want to marry each other, retire, and grow old together. You said, I was the best thing that ever happened to you. I said, I’ll always love you.

It’s been a year. There’s always this unrelenting spirit inside of me that has long quit pretending that you really loved me.

But I still stop by and reminisce, all the love we had for each other and all the dreams we shared. Surreal. Fleeting. But still a beautiful dream. I tell that myself over and over again trying to fight back and win over that restless ghost residing in my head.