It reminds me of all the lies you told me, and all the truths behind the lies.
I thought id stop hurting knowing its there floating in that huge highway. But that was just pretend. It tears every piece of me apart, knowing you uploaded that on purpose. Knowing I will come across it, either by chance or during those moments when I check on you because im missing you and i want to see your face again.
It was the same thing when you changed your status last year then you called me. I didn't see it but some people did. Your network and hers. I was a wreck. Then you called. I took you back without any question, and even when I had doubts, for your sweet words and actions/inactions just don't come together. Leap of faith (sabi nga ni Weng). I went beyond my doubts because I do love you and I wanted to fix things between us.
I made a decision in October. In October she was already on her way to Houston. That fast, she was in your arms by November. She posted all that in her Facebook. You made that your profile pic along with a few more including your current one that was January, after Christmas. May be one of those family pictures you posted along others, some people and batchmates beginning to Like.
I sent you brief messages on your birthday and Father's Day. I was hoping we can still be cordial as old acquaintances. An attempt to mend things between us. You never replied. But didn't you stop along time way ahead? Not replying to all my messages, not taking my calls. I pretended that it didn't hurt. I gave myself many excuses and licked my own wounds. I guess that was how you wanted things to be. So I swore (for the nth time) to myself not to ever bother you again. I do not wish anymore to disturb your much anticipated happiness.
So i thought, may be if I'd get use to the idea that we float in the same highway, live under the same sky, and breathe the same air ... time will pass and bury every bitter memory of us some place else. A place and time still unknown to me.
But this was all wishful thinking. My own set of lies tied up with pretty ribbons.
That picture of you, your head resting on hers,your arms embracing her, the joy on Alvin's face. That big, lovely pine tree behind you glitters happily.
This scene pops out in People You May Know. Screaming to my face like that same big blue sky hovering us. A crystal clear reminder of my poor judgment on the lies I chose to believe in, and the truths I refused to accept.
With no consideration of my feelings, of my pains ... you purposely posted those pictures seven months ago. You were too overwhelmed and excited, a little undecided on which to post so they say, until you settled on that family picture with that gorgeous pine. Honey, you looking good on yellow. :) In fact, you look better. Happy beautiful. Am sure your headache is cured and all gone.
You don't have any reason to hate your life any longer. She's with you now. Your family's complete just as you wanted. Life rosier in Houston.
But let me take that back. My statement was wrong. It was wrong to say that you were inconsiderate about my feelings, of my pains, when you purposely posted those pictures seven months ago, knowing I will find about it. You did that consciously as a manifestation of your joy and the contentment in your heart. It wasn't about me. I never crossed your mind. You did not do that to affect me. There was too much happiness in your home, you have no room for anger, frustrations, heart break. What used to be a big lonely space in your house where we used to make love, now sparkles from too much ecstasy. Nothing else matters.
I was just a fleeting memory. Two months of indiscretion is not hard to extinguish. You let go and moved on, fast, easy, completely.
I was jealous of that.
I wasn't angry at you, I was angrier at myself. Your goal to have a complete, happy family is upright. I was the wrong kind.
I blocked you because I wanted to have what you have. At least some parts of it. I have to start somewhere and it's long overdue.
I don't want to watch anymore. While you have the best times of your life, I wanted that knife to slit my wrist. Nothing matters. Not even death.
So this is another attempt ... baby steps are such a struggle.
***(I wanted to end this entry by saying that, "I blocked you because I wanted to get my life back . My life before June 19, 2011. But to say that is to lie to myself again. And again, may be it will derail my sincere attempt to find my own niche. I know that getting my old life back before meeting you that night online cannot happen anymore. That was an unreasonable hasty after thought. We know that there are circumstances in our past we can no longer change just because we wanted things to be easier or just because it would be more convenient. I was powerless to alter the last 30 years between us, and still incapable to erase whatever happened next after those 3 decades. I was dreaming a beautiful dream with you. I was hoping for a happy ending. I thought I was closer to that … may be if you loved me enough, if you did love me, may be. But then not.
funny ... I wrote this thinking you will know that I blocked you, or may be Destine or as if you read my messages in FB last November and May and June... i have always been a very assuming person, but I always make the wrong assumptions.
In reality, i don't think you still need FB, when you have her home, with you every single day.)
Nothing matters anymore.
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