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I'm not a graceful person. I'm not a Sunday morning or a Friday sunset. I am a Tuesday 2AM, I am gunshots muffled by a few city blocks, I am a broken window during February. My bones crack on a nightly basis. I fall from elegance with a dull thud, and I apologize for my awkward sadness. I sometimes believe that I don't belong around people, that I belong to all the leap days that didn't happen. The way light and darkness mix under my skin has become a storm. You don't see the lightning, but you hear the echoes.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Masochism


Two nights ago, I conspired with Edzkie :) ... I was just thinking, in 2 days, 1st of May, it will be a holiday, then I'll have ample time to calibrate things ;), may be solve some puzzles that's been drilling my head for like 2 years now.  Two years that's 24 months,, you have to double and a half my fingers for that.  Those were the last.  This month and next.

So Ednei ... now I have a logical explanation.  Truth hurts as always.  But am I not used to that --- the hurtful truth?  :)  Did I not turn faithless because of that?  And I say this without a bit of remorse or regret --- that I may be wrong ...  but right's not here.  So all i've got are the wrong notions, the wrong beliefs, unproven theories, misconceptions, faulty judgment, prejudice and biases, doubts and paranoia.  Pain made me a different person. Before all that I was a different woman.  Three years can make a lot of difference.  I always say, I wear the best looking poker face, the sweetest faux smile, the most pretentious intelligence, and the silliest confidence.

It was about a stupid cursor.  Unused.  It was about just staring on the monitor, may be after hot blitzkrieg makin' luv  :) ... when both of you still naked and dripping wet, the scent of dirty sex all over the place --- all the dopomine, oxytocin, testosterone and serotonin splattered in those bed sheets!  cuddling and laughing on my stupid words.  silly silly girl this ugly witch!

Seen.   Unread.  No move.  No love.

la la la  means i love you hohummm

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