Alice Blue**

Lyke hotcakes ;-) ... jusz uploaded some of my recent selfies in a new album I'm calling, Alice Blue (comin' after my photo album, Unpretty) ... guess where .... Facebook*.



*still my reliable repository of memories, yeah, that's it ... repository, all that.

Mostly taken in my office, sa hotels,  sa Flower Farm sa Tagaytay, pati na sa waxing salon ... actually kung saan saan haha ... cute ni rubber duckie ...

**Wikipedia says, This particular shade of blue is also referred as white-blue (or blue-white) and ice/icy blue, due to its very pale coloration which includes a hint of green— as does actual ice.  is a pale tint of azure that was favored by Alice Roosevelt Longworth, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt, which sparked a fashion sensation in the United States.  The hit song "Alice Blue Gown", inspired by Longworth's signature gown, premiered in Harry Tierney's 1919 Broadway musicalIrene. 

On its 25th founding anniversary, CITEM gave away Alice Blue handmade soy candles.  I got one.  

This writer's, one too many monickers, in fact one of her favorites.   If I'd have one more daughter, I'd name her, Alice Blue.

This is where I leave you ...

Page 2 THE ANSWER TO YOUR WHYS ... continuation from Welcome to my Hermitage  (page 1 of 2)

"I am jealous.  Of  what I did not have with him.  Of  what I don’t have with him here and now.  And what I will never have with him in a thousand years.

You see, right now it’s a place where I’ve cultivated sadness.   That feeling I've allowed memories and silhouettes to haunt me for an extended period of time.  I go there and I cannot describe to you in words that tummy ache, that headache, that burning sensation round my eyes, and those galvanized sheets slicing my chest ... you will never understand, I dunno how to explain.  Our circumstances are different.  You don’t carry my chains.  You don't know my kind of love. For two moons, for what i thought was my paradise, he traveled secretly on sweet, unfamiliar grounds ... 

... it is now, my official venue for my hurts and my masochistic tendencies.  It is where I planned, and tried many times over.  My orchestrated death.   I wanted to, but couldn’t. 

Because … 

... it was my place for my swing set.  It was my Angel's Knoll.   Tedious, perpetuating, unforgiving …  it was a place where I waited for him  ...and he was like the answer to the question that never came."

***

Thanks for overseas phone calls, emails, messages in FB where I currently squat right now on my daughter's property, Sophie V. Merza @ https://www.facebook.com/SophiaEnchanted :),  Group Chats, messages in Goodreads, Instagram, etc etc  Mobile calls still expensive, Viber works for me ahuh.

You see, you will find me everywhere, except there.  Who know's I'd be getting some fine stitchings, and all prettified when I come back some day.  Remember, Facebook ain't Instagram.   :-)  Ain't permanent :-)

Masochism

Two nights ago, I conspired with Edzkie :) ... I was just thinking, in 2 days, 1st of May, it will be a holiday, then I'll have ample time to calibrate things ;), may be solve some puzzles that's been drilling my head for like 2 years now.  Two years that's 24 months,, you have to double and a half my fingers for that.  Those were the last.  This month and next.

So Ednei ... now I have a logical explanation.  Truth hurts as always.  But am I not used to that --- the hurtful truth?  :)  Did I not turn faithless because of that?  And I say this without a bit of remorse or regret --- that I may be wrong ...  but right's not here.  So all i've got are the wrong notions, the wrong beliefs, unproven theories, misconceptions, faulty judgment, prejudice and biases, doubts and paranoia.  Pain made me a different person. Before all that I was a different woman.  Three years can make a lot of difference.  I always say, I wear the best looking poker face, the sweetest faux smile, the most pretentious intelligence, and the silliest confidence.

It was about a stupid cursor.  Unused.  It was about just staring on the monitor, may be after hot blitzkrieg makin' luv  :) ... when both of you still naked and dripping wet, the scent of dirty sex all over the place --- all the dopomine, oxytocin, testosterone and serotonin splattered in those bed sheets!  cuddling and laughing on my stupid words.  silly silly girl this ugly witch!

Seen.   Unread.  No move.  No love.

la la la  means i love you hohummm

UnBlock (ed)

so
i was thinking about you
and just got a little bolder
to unblock you.  here.
https://www.facebook.com/gypsytales
...
though not bold enough
to keep it.
just because ...



thank God for time zones
Blocked pag buhay ang America
UnB pag tulog na.
***
damn why do i still miss you so much???!  i miss our conversations.  mga jokes mo na ewan ko ba kung saan saan mo napupulot :)  .. our cooking lessons ... your fishing expeditions ... our escapades those many many years that we were apart  ...  ... those little nothings ... until we get dirty LOL ....  sama na natin our regrets ... plans ...  dreams ... daydreams ... yung mahal kita ... at mahal mo ako ...

siguro ... wala lang kasi akong kausap.  i mean, katulad nung naguusap pa tayo.  ilang oras nga ba yon?  di na natin namamalayan, nagpalit na pala ng araw.  I really miss long talks with you.  that was rare.  i never really enjoyed conversation the way i did with you.

kaya ako nagsusulat na lang ... sulat na lang sulat ... isusulat ko na lang ... wala naman akong magagawa  ... sino ba ako to snatch you away from your happy life ... or as if i can really steal you from anything, anyhow, from her at this point ... uhhmmm ... i mean since i was 11 and you were 12.  'tangina lang di ba ... crush na nga lang dalawa pa kame arrghhhh ...   so not ever.  i just call you Mine in Pinterest but but you were really never mine.

tatanda ako at magsusulat pa din ako.  susulat ako ng susulat.  at mamatay ng ganun.
is that good or bad.
but
im a writer that's what i do.
uhhmmm...
and and di ba kasi ...
when i'm writing
... i'm talking ...
and and
when i'm writing
at least di ba ... yun nga ...
"Honey
I        can
pretend
you're
listening."