This was one Sunday service I was sorry my daughter missed. :( So I had to attend the service all by myself. This posting was even long overdue but it is so important and meaningful, enlightening and moving that it must be shared. Simple truths, simple explanations that even a 6 year old child and a nonagenarian parent will understand and appreciate.
My daughter, Sophie, is 18 years old. I must admit, it was really easier between us when she was a little girl, even during that time she was passing through early adolescence but now that she's in her late adolescence and in her junior year in the university, she keeps her own activities and schedule, enjoys the company of her friends, travels, and is more capable to make choices for herself --- it's getting difficult. Knowing we come from different perspectives --- parent's side, child's side.
In general, I am level headed with my relationships. I always try to keep an open mind. I can be negotiable but there are important things I hold sacred, those I cannot compromise.
At home, the hierarchy of authority is clear. House rules are framed out in good faith. Some of these rules are implemented strictly, some with flexibility. While there are no fast and hard rules in life, having a structure either spare us from the chaos or soften the chaos for us. I, for one, do not want to be tortured going through these rules by the book. I've always believed in open communication. When my daughter was 3 years old, she was allowed to "butt in" during an adult conversation, I mean, when we let her stay with us (otherwise, we could have been more discreet) while we're having coffee or during meal time or watching TV, doing the dishes, and she hears us talking about certain matters that gets her attention and she has an opinion (well, toddlers have opinions, too c'mon :) ) --- she's allowed to say it openly, politely. She will raise her tiny, wobbly arm, and say "Mom, Dad or Lola can I say something?" And usually that curiosity comes out as a question :-) ... We raised her that way... she grew up that way ... it became more and more challenging as she grew older. Tougher now that she's 18. Sometimes, what she's got to say and how she says them, is no longer cute. Could be intimidating, could be irritating. LOL --- can't complaint tho, we made her that way. Makes me proud that she speaks her mind. I am sure that as she matures, her judgment will get better --- knowing what to say and when and how to say them.
To honor is to obey. This is the summary of parent and child relationship. This embodies the lifelong bond between these two parties. If this formula will not be the nature of this relationship, it will be a lifelong chaos, as well.
I believe that the first lesson we have to teach our children is about obedience as a form of honoring their parents. May be as little children, it is obedience perse, and as they grow up, we should be able to connect obedience to honoring parents, respecting them, loving them, caring for them. Pastor Peter was right when he said, the sixth commandment of God is foundational to parenting and submission to authority.
I am sharing the video that was shown that Sunday for every parent and child's appreciation. This is not too "bible" heavy. It is very practical, very day-to-day. The first time I've seen this I got a clearer understanding (clearer meaning less combatant hehe) of my role as a parent in my child's life, and how I can actually improve her point of view on obedience and why there is such a thing.
I took down notes, and here are some salient points from the presentation:
1) How you treat you parent will impact all your relationships. Again, this is foundational,
2) Honoring is a decision, not a feeling. To treat parents with respect and courtesy is a DECISION, To provide care and seek their best interest is a DECISION. A decision is a CONSCIOUS CHOICE.
3) Rules are good. Authority is good, It sets order and harmony.
4) To honor thy parents is a command. A foundational instruction from God, It is God's design. And He designed this for our own good. There is no question about this. This is not debatable.
5) To honor thy parents comes with a promise, an incentive, a blessing ... that life will be long and it will be well with you.
6) Honor ALL parents ALL the time. Parents who are irresponsible, abusive, lazy, alcoholics, uneducated, impoverished, crack addicts, gamblers, prostitutes, criminals. At most difficult and trying times. Honor, still,
7) Parents and their imperfections, whether by circumstance or by choice, let us forgive them so we can honor them. It is tantamount to say that first we forgive, then we honor,
8) All parents has got to teach their children about this Commandment. This is huge, alright, It means how good or bad, far or short this is gonna go, the weight is on our shoulders. Later in life, its either gold or blood in our hands. Children will not learn this until we teach them why and how, This is a struggle. Brace ourselves, we are up to high tension arguments, resistance, cold wars. This could be a play of power especially when our children our grown. That's why, it is important that we teach them. We teach 'em, we show 'em. Going down to basic, showing our children what honor is all about, is still is the best way of teaching them.
9)The sixth commandment is the basic foundation for respect and submission to authority. Authority structure includes Parents, husband, government, employer and church leaders. So when we mess this all up at home, see the mess our kids make outside,
10) Honor the position even when the person is not honorable. These are two different things. I have my own demons about this :) --- to give honor even when you think it's undeserved. Sometimes its hard to swallow. To set the record straight, 1 Peter 2:18 can best explain this.
11) Parents be honorable. Leaders/Managers be honorable. To the words of Pastor Peter Tan-Chi, make it easy for children/constituents/subordinates to obey and to respect. In this witch' vocabulary, let's not give honor a bad name or make it sound like a bad thing.
12) The best way to honor your parents is to live a righteous life, to live with integrity. When we are not, it reflects badly on our parents. When we are disrespectful, loud, dishonest, insincere, lazy, mean, boastful, selfish, abusive, indiscreet, corrupt, bigots, ... when we cheat, steal, lie, gossip, cut class, do drugs, smoke, drink, disobey --- all these we subject our parents to great shame and deep pain.
13) Pray for our parents. Only God can change a heart. Parents cannot change their children. And vice versa.
My take on this:
First we forgive. Parents are not God. They are not upright all the time or even not a single time. They make mistakes, they have wicked ways. Only when we accept this reality and forgive them for their weaknesses, we can start working on "honoring" them.
We forgive, we honor, we obey, we love, we care. This is a foundational structure designed by God to make life easier, better for us. This is the blueprint. The operative word is to obey. The command is to honor. This is the equation,
I tell my daughter emphatically that she has to obey her parents even when she thinks its contrary to what she understands and what she wants or what is popular. God's premise is that parents know better. Parents mean well. They will always have the best interest of their children. Children obey when you are told to give priority to your education, to read books, to go to church, to save your allowances, to act like a lady or a gentleman, to care for other people, to care for mother earth, to choose positive influences and role models, to say no to vices, keep yourself pure, take care of your health, eat veggies, be careful in crossing the street, avoid too much partying and staying up late out in the streets, etc etc
When I instruct my daughter about something I feel very strongly about, and the results may still be unknown, unpredictable, just mere plans and targets and wishes and dreams, she's got to take my word for that. She is free to express her thoughts and her fears, but if it is something really heavy and serious, I am not changing my stand as a mother. For example, having a boyfriend or accepting suitors while still studying or trying on alcohol cigarettes or drugs or choosing her friends. She definitely felt like I was obstructing her happiness, her freedom to express herself. But I have put my foot down. I ain't movin. She has to obey, Period. I mean, as a parent, I don't think I need to explain myself here.
True, that's not cool for an 18 year old teenager. But that's all she's got to lose versus the consequences of disobedience. Dear child, obey even when it hurts, That kind of pain is manageable anyway. Think about the pain of disobedience, the damages can be irreversible and lingering. Think about it.
While to honor and be honorable are two different things all together, it also tells us parents and leaders and all those in authority that upon our shoulders we carry a huge responsibility. People depend on us, let's try our best to practice good judgment. Our conscience will tell us. I know it's hard to be upright but just think about the lives that we affect. We are accountable for them. We are all children. But not all are parents. I hope we see this as a gift .
Listening through this preaching, strengthened my belief, that there is no such thing as false obedience. Obedience is a moral virtue. It's never wrong. But, yes, there are dishonorable people who distorts the truth, the good and the beautiful :), these could be parents, leaders, managers, people at the helm, people in authority. As the scripture says, we respect the position, we respect the institution even if the person who holds it is not honorable.
Obedience is God's invention. Thus, it is always good, It is NEVER a negative but ALWAYS a positive trait.
Whewwww this grew very long, I hope I did not bore you. But this is a subject really close to my heart. It's not easy to raise a teenager, in this world, at this time. I'm feeling the heat. ;-)
In closing, I want to share my SMS thread with my daughter. She was in her Social Anthropology study group workin' on a paper or somethin'. And mommy as usual was in a middle of a meeting. I always get phone in questions from her with her homework, thesis, something, you know, I don't mind. Better get straight from me than from elsewhere. It's in my job description anyway. :-)
Sophie: Should children be obligated to care for their parents during their old age and/or to help send their siblings to school? Why?
Mommy: Yes. Because it's the right thing to do. To be of help and to show compassion to people who needs them especially if its your family.**
**haha i hope i didn't sound self-serving with my answer. I think I nailed it like I was about to win the Miss Universe crown for an excellent Q & A lol
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