bipolar trigger ;)

This unmade then made my day ;)

Another truce with the company doctor.  One of my many moratoria with their kinds LOL.  Well for one I know already what she was gonna say about my blood chem.  I deserve all the guilt and the flack for voluntarily giving up on my internist, maintenance meds and blood checks for  2 magnificent years.  So without too much thinking she ordered another round of blood tests ASAP, for hemoglobin and TFTs.
 You know what, if God would sentence me death for this intentional remiss, Id accept that with grace and humility.

Dr. See, my very soft spoken and kind cardio internist been telling me from the time it was detected that my condition will not get any better, most likely it will get worse to worst or depending on my level of obedience, i can stay at the border but only  for a limited period of time.  Ronnie died early 2011.  Ambet in 2009.  Ang mga kaibigan ko magkaka-singtigas kami ng ulo.  Ok, that kinda figures, I'm talking expanding our family memorial plot and St. Peter Life Plan right in front of me now.  Im not buying time on this one ... I'm a planning person.  By profession, I been training to plan impeccably.  Girl scout ako.  I always come prepared.  I get frustrated when I get caught off guard!  God gave me loud warning shots, i took heed for a time, then went dreamy, mushy, clumsy, messy, that was hell pain in the process, as expected i turned to myself --- my angry self up against my own vulnerable self.  My poor stubborn self.  Nakakainis na nakakaawa.  But it's done.  I put this upon me.  Im taking full responsibility.  

The bell struck another.  Round two.  On to my favorite portion of this medical carnival la la la la ... sanay na ako.  Behind those green iron curtains ... the private scrutiny of my long extinct lovelife.  And next to that ... being relative to my relationship status ... is my equally forever extinct sexlife.  Interesting!!!

You know, those days, you get rounded up, the typical screening, the usual suspect singled out, mugged shot,  face-slapped with reality and butt-kicked with humiliation, highlighted by a series good-as-curse- questions, capped by a kind words and very encouraging propositions.  Whew ... ama useless stubborn chunk of aging hard meat!!!

Kick-ass Doctor:  How old are you now?

Ol'-sluggish-and-piqued (close  to walking out her freakin' clinic) Me:  43

Kick-ass Doctor:  Have you given birth?

Ol'-sluggish-and-piqued (close  to walking out her freakin' clinic) Me:   Yes

Kick-ass Doctor:  How many kids do you have?

Ol'-sluggish-and-piqued (close  to walking out her freakin' clinic) Me:   One daughter

Kick-ass Doctor:  When was that?

Ol'-sluggish-and-piqued (close  to walking out her freakin' clinic) Me:   I went deja vu ...  i knew exactly where this discussion was going hayyy ... When was what?  --- yan ang exactong sagot, without thinking even LOL

Kick-ass Doctor:  When did you give birth to your daughter?

Ol'-sluggish-and-piqued (close  to walking out her freakin' clinic) Me:  (after my imaginary slapping of myself) --- woken up ... i said, oh ... 1997.

The World's Most Insensitive Kick-ass Doctor:  wow!  ang tagal na.  bakit isa lang?

Ol'-sluggish-and-piqued (nearing tears!!!!) Me:  me quick thinking and talking to myself, with my little lined eyes round and about to burst ... paksyet how the hell do i answer this question?  is this even a question?   ano bang pakialam nya??????!!!!!!  I wanna yell my answer to that question .... Family Planning eh bakit ba!
Pero gusto ko good karma ... I wanna be a nice witch today :) .... my best answer to a question like that is another question ... "can i still have a baby, doc?"  whoaaaa ... asaaaaaa ---- me flashing mah sweetest bestest smile with matchng twinkling eyes .... lmao

Kick-ass Doctor (now getting to her senses):  oo naman, you're only 43 ...  when was your last period?

so now we're talking ei ...

Ol'-sluggish-and-piqued (close  to walking out her freakin' clinic) Me: now wearin halo on my head ... uhhmmm last period,  uhmmmm may be  tomorrow or 2 days from now hehe

 Kick-ass Doctor (now im beginning to love):  ok ok ... kelan first period mo

(not so) Ol'-sluggish-and-piqued (no more walkin'out on heavenly white clinics) Me:  11 years old

The World's most lovable huggable  Kick-ass Doctor:  Pwede pwede ... normal birth?  Miscarriage?

Awesome Me clickin' heels (ha ha!):  Normal.  No miscarriage.

Ohhhh I love this doctor so much I wanna bring her home Kick-ass Doctor!!!:  Here.  She handed me my ovulation calendar in pastel colors hayyy, it sez ...

you're likely to be most fertile from friday october 25, 2013 to wednesday october 30, 2013. If you'd like a boy, your chances increase during the last 3 days of that period.  if you'd like a girl, your chances increase during the first 3 days of that period.  Test for pregnancy on november 08.

I-still-can-get-preggy-Glowing-in ecstasy Me:  i hugged her and thanked her and forgot all about how we've started in the wrong foot earlier ...:) ....

***

***the lights still on!!! that ray of hope, makes me happy, why not.
of course, it did make me swing on bipolar moods ... on and off LOL the whole time today.

makes me wanna post at Dognuts, how my day at the clinic went, and perhaps turn a little touchy with "may bes and what ifs" --- say may be if my marriage turned out like a little girl's dream, may be id be brandishing 6 kids in tow haha

but lights still on!!! for whatever good it may be .... the lights not off yet.  i am still a willing and able vessel. tadah ....

another swing  ... and so clearly i remember,  that chance i thought i had ... but was short, unreal and hurtful.

yet lights still on.  God's keeping the lights on.  It' still on.

:-)