... Make me ...

Ganun talaga.  It hits you from time to time.  During lean months, after a major project or a back breaking weekend, I begin to crave.  For you.  Crave for you again.  Go hungry, and thirst.  Ang tagal na din naman.   Ang tagal tagal na. Tapos sandali lang naman. Maiksing panahon lang naman.  But, i still do.  Cave in to my cravings.

So here right now,  on my way home and this traffic jam.  Imagining us and the long hours spent talking to each other.  Yun lang makipagusap ng ganun katagal with sustained interest ... me and my ADHD, I don't think I'm still willing and capable to engage myself with anything like that with the same enthusiasm and energy with anyone.

For this reason, i write more and talk less, these days.  For the same reason, I have come to terms with my radical solitude.  I built it up like a fortress, my weaponry.  And true to how I define my new choice of behavior, there is a revolution going on.  So nothing about all these is new.  This is my nature. All 45 years of  firm resolved,

Thursday night last week,  after two cups of brewed coffee and in the middle of two pots of hot choc'late, an evening of catching up with my old friend Jena... my friends they always find a way to ask about you ...  and why I still ... ... ....

... but i have a way to cut it short ... my standard statement ... "hayaan mo na  ganun talaga. "   and swiftly fashionably deflect to another topic like uhhmm the prospects of my career and Sophie's forthcoming trip to America ... me quick to give Jen a hug for my a job well done ... with her new and promising career in HIMOAP,  and her "refreshed" self after her longggggg overdue separation from Benjie.

No not any of my friends saw a tear fall ever again but I'm sure they know about a smile behind a tear that won't fall.  And so they wouldn't insist anymore about my leavings, my solitary confinement, and why ...

... why i still feel this way about you,  and why i still hurt .  Or may be that was the answer.

Nostalgia screaming arrgghhhhh!!! It's that time of the month ageyn ... I'm on my 3rd day ... and as ever menstrual cramps killin' me. My state of mind  a hormonal fucking war zone!

Dang honey!  I'm missing you!





***postscript***
I'm writing this.    With a lump on my throat.  My head's throbbing. that big big empty hallow in my stomach i couldn't explain.   And that familiar burning around my eyes.  Damn honey im thinking about you and  you're smudging my mascara.