Last Wednesday night I went back to my
Facebook account, it still is a place where I keep all my photos. I might try
cloud computing one of these days but I guess I’m still too weak and
sick to explore that.
She had been whimpering for us to sit
down for beer or (then) coffee since last year before Christmas. But it was a busy season for many of us. We had to re-sked indefinitely but hopefully soon. It sounded urgent, but I didn’t see that. The family photos were all pretty so I was an
unsuspecting viewer too fast to click Like. :-(
Two nights ago, while online at FB, she
buzzed me a message, to check on her
nanay, she knew I was in the hospital on a new year, and for some selfish reasons :-) she said she is
gonna pray for my fast recovery, it is really important that we meet ASAP. “Behind
the family pictures …”, those were her words, still reverberating inside my
head.
My young friend needs me, too bad I’m
still sick. I promised her that I would
see our company doctor the next day, I will put all my wits and will together
to recuperate, hopefully push our much needed rendezvous by Friday this week. Some things just couldn’t wait. I told her to hang on a little bit longer,
anyways, Friday night is just around the corner.
But then, I didn’t know my condition was
gonna get worse overnight. The following
morning I was in the hospital again for pneumonia. And today, for the second day, exactly 9 nine
days from the new year, I called in sick :( again.
I haven’t told her yet, may be later, may
be the 14th is a better date, that’s 5 days from now, and I see myself
fully recovered and feeling better than awesome. The Pope is coming so there will be an outpour
of goodwill, and grace, and blessings.
Amen :).
Having said that, can I just say, that’s
one of the reasons why I grew tired of Facebook.
I don’t mind the public display of affection.
I’m Taurus, I’m like that, too. I
don’t mind showing off my affection to people I sincerely care about. So other people who does PDA or professes mutual love and admiration to each
other, online offline doesn’t bother
me. I’m okay with dirty, honest dirty lol. I’m 45 years old this year, I can live with
that lol.
But what we intentionally show in public,
I hope it’s not because we only want to show it off. For the heck of it. Because it’s a trend, it’s a fad. Because I’m jealous of my neighbors albums,
my sibings’ shout outs. Or because it’s
Christmas, there’s gotta be something
under the tree or may be a kissing photo under the mistletoe. Oh, I know a lot of that kind in Facebook and
I am saddened that another good friend is in that same predicament as my other
good friends, my best friends for life, and yes even some of my own family.
I was in the same black hole before. After I discovered all the lies. After that very courageous vanishing
act. After coming to terms with myself
and what it was just all about. I
managed a hook up and I posted it all over Facebook … in my timeline, in my
relationship status, profile picture, cover photo. Albums etc etc. I was an angry woman with an
opportunity. Somebody hurt me. And somebody was there, and I kinda liked
him, too. So there …
I wanted to show off to that person who
broke my heart, that, I can easily replace him.
You know at 41, I did not have to run after anybody, I got pursued. I got offers.
So an angry woman with an opportunity has gotta to do what she’s gotta
do with an opportunity like that :).
That was silly, I may be dead tomorrow,
and Joel wouldn’t care. And the whole
idea of showing off and getting even was epic failure. LOL.
But know what, Willy and I, we lasted 4 months. Sex was OK, better than nothing :) … but ours was best, with Joel because I love him,
and I thought he did, too. The best sex
is always with someone you love. It's true. :)
I broke off with Willy to make things
right, with my broken little self. So probably
that was the closest I got to bragging about something that I’m not really
proud of. I used somebody to hurt
somebody, and showed it off in Facebook hoping it will make myself feel
better. All this circus, it wasn’t a
good thing to do. You can call me
anything, but I know inside my hurting self, there’s a good, honest woman there, responsible
enough to make things nice. :)
Facebook has become a place to cultivate
hurt, pride, dishonesty, insincerity, unfaithfulness, lies, promiscuity. Some people there roam around Facebook for hook ups and
free cyber sex. Sad but true.
I miss those Facebook days, when it’s much
simpler and peaceful when my network was limited to my high school besties, and
CITEM and my family. There was no venue
to flirt, no reason to brag. I was having
this thing with Mark, and he’s from CITEM. Chaotic but manageable. And it was 5 years of that. With Mark.
Sabi ni Willy, “we’re stuck in this”. I agree, for I am, too, we all are. But we
can still make things worth while.
Honesty and sincerity are of highest order. It’s not easy.
But you can pull it through if you will, too. While it takes nothing to be dishonest and insincere, it takes lot of courage and dignity to be truthful and profound. That's why genuine love is rare. It requires the best from us. And "best" ain't easy. So then thats when we settle with less than true love. Like free legal sex on a piece of paper.
What my marriage has become is not something
I’m proud of. I’m not gonna rub salt
into it, I’m not gonna lick into it either.
My family, my friends, my daughter and her father they know better. Jhun and I we gave them the real picture. I do not have to show off my certainty, especially
if only to prove a point. And I definitely
would not brag about something I do not have.
What would that make out of me, I come face to face with the truth, alone in my bed every night. You can lie to the world but not to yourself. I don't want to wake up everyday with a double dose of sadness from "a life I'm stuck with" and from living a lie. That's double whammy, baby!
It’s true, many of us we are stuck with a life, we
either like or not, let’s not make it worse by pretending that we live in a perfect world. OK is a simple statement, like true love, human beings have perfectly degraded these beautiful powerful feelings in the most mediocre ways imaginable.
Each time we make choices, we give up
something. Sadly, even some things
important to us, things we actually want to have, things worth having than the
ones we chose to keep … I mean the life we’re stuck with now.
I'd like to believe that there is still chivalry in this world somewhere, in small bits and pieces of us and our calloused beings wrapped around in pretty ribbons of our superficial lives ... so let it be that, “Whatever choice we make, let
it come from our hearts.”
My dear Phia, I know somehow, we can still do that. Nanay will see you really soon my sweetie. Hang on.
