there are times i want to give up on her. she floats. she say things. things in her head. or in her heart. or head. or heart. head. heart. all mixed up. messed up. not in gorgeous chaos ... all the while i though she was.
extreme. anything. too much, too less. anything "beyondiest". you know, what i mean about limits. when i speak about this, i don't mean, being regular, median, of mere compliance, or just meeting requirements. these are stand alone phrases. i write these words, and think of "mediocre". i don't want mediocre even. who likes "so so" anyway. i dunno with you guys. i'm not "average". in my heart i know i'm not. we may have different standards, but we set the bar using low, middle, high ... and with different grades in between. and life. life's not about black and white and gray. it's a rainbow! it's the complete color wheel. life is a like a box of crayola, with all 64 colourful waxies with built in sharpener! c'mon we should have gotten this perfectly at midlife. we may be torn and worn but please don't be a run-off-the-mill. life is hard and complex as it is, please don't make it lackluster.
i was worried. she got me worried. i saw the signs. i tried so hard to analyze. to justify. to give reasons to each and every single manifestation. i read about this, online and offline. i didn't study this. i am not a professional. i just cared but my skills were crude.
in this country, something goes haywire. people don't go to shrinks. they turn to religion. but this piece is not what you're thinking it is. i'm not here to get controversial with science and God. but what i'm gonna say is, i find it alarming, to the point of questioning, when people, even my own family and friends, regardless if they are in trouble or not, become too intoxicated with religion. too attached to it, that they give biblical connotations to just about anything, simple or complicated. they always find a connection. too much attempt to connect that you even have to dissect the whole situation in order to understand it, and even turn everything else upside down, just to get the idea. it's like getting into circles. and losing yourself. somewhere in the middle of all the points of so called connection. they say it is salvation, i agree. but too much of it. is escape.
escape. from our indecision. wrong choices. indiscretion. poor judgment. either we are passing the buck to God, feign our responsibility with the concept of "God's testing us". or indulge ourselves in the idea that Somebody Greater than us will cleanse us, transform us, heal, restore. turn all the bad into good. God is our Balm. i agree. but too much of it. is insane.
in our own make shift spiritual-trying-to-be-righteous-and therefore-holy self --- is a selfish, irresponsible, pretentious human being. who refuses to take accountability for his/her reckless, self-centered behavior, and pretends everything is alright when everything is not alright. who attends mass, one, two, three times a week but has no friends, in the real sense of the word ... abuses power and authority, corrupts mind, steals time and money, who gives tithes and offerings, and regards marriage as vow made with whom, but another irresponsible, emotionally abusive partner of his/her choice, and incapable of decent parenting. one who helps shepherd a congregation, and recites the bible like she co-authors it but lie to her teeth, put people down, shatter dreams. We use God as a cover up for all these and more. we allow ourselves to abuse Him each time we do not use, conscientiously, the gift He gave us, the gift of free will, so we can choose to do what is right, not what is too much.
so what's next to an intoxication like this one --- from peachy to preachy ... from exciting to boring ... from witty to a dead sense of humor .... from a confident, genuinely independent woman to someone who needs everyone else's approval ... a stranger to her very self.
idealism is admirable when you're in your twennies. damn, ain't we look funny still wearin' it by the neck in midlife. do you really really wanna be caught dead with it? wearin' like life has not taught us anything about reality.
remember, your best nature, yo don't lose it, not by chance, not by intention, not by accident. it goes with your ups and downs, it fades in different shades, but never leaves you. (i'm talking best qualities here, not the worst ones).
so my dear friend, what you are now, after a span of 2 years, either this is not you or this is the real you.
your call.
Borne from the "inspiration". This blog. This poetry.
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| From IrMa to Jane Doe, Faded Purple was my last entry. Inspired by, sadly, a good friend of mine. 'cuz me, i'd be an old lady who will be wearin' all shades of purple ;-) |
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| another first. lovelace1970 is a license plate of either a lemon yellow or royal blue vintage truck. craZybe! |
PHOTO CREDITS: blue candles from http://www.liveservegrow.info
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