one day i'm gonna marry you

i wanted the truth
and i got what i wanted
i waited so long
so now i got to live with that

oh i know everything
seen all that
read em loud
to myself over and over
and over again
until i memorized all the lines
i can draw every inch of your smiles
since day 1
the day we met was the day you lied

i got you nike air she got you a shirt
she was your thanksgiving and early christmas gift
lucky clover ballroom fuck!
so now what suddenly mother's day made you wax poetry, too
you never stop lovin the One you love
you never stop hurtin the one you don't
damn' how could have i missed that

and this part i kept from you
despite of all the lies
that i left but you know, I held on
because i thought or wished or said so to myself
you did love me, too, somehow even for a little while
yes you did, or still do







i died a thousand times and you didn't even notice

s t a y

... but ... sometimes its not always good you know, always having to start all over again ... and leaving  ... and winning over your demons.

you see, it's not easy to make new friends in midlife.  when you're grounded.  and cynical.  and proud.  and lazy.  and jaded.  so coming to a place where friendship seems impossible.  is also coming to terms with yourself ...  your chaotic lovable self.     this part makes it tricky in the beginning, and difficult towards the end.

... but ... it has been a vicious cycle for the last couple of years.  like build something with strangers.  make something out of anything.  goodbyes inevitable.  i promised to keep in touch.  but then, sometimes it's  easier to fade away than to keep a promise. or i'm just too tired.

I  got 46 summers. I can't be doing this until God knows when ... you know begin again.  after walking away.   when too much of leaving feels like a disease that makes you numb ... suddenly starting all over again becomes that incurable feeling that doesn't feel good anymore.

I'm complaining to myself.  And myself is not arguing with me.  There's such a word as "steady". There's such a a thing as caving in and settling down.  This is my new demon ...

... when a gypsy fights to mellow but always find ...

... a place to crash

Doors

8 days to go.

The good thing about leaving is knowing that you have the courage to face the unknown.  The unknown and its anonymity that is infinitely vague. Isn't it orgasmic, that bewildering  feeling of anticipation, of being in control, of not being in control.  It is an open highway, and anything can happen.   You got to make it work, and not fall flat on your face for the world to revel on what they thought was a bad idea --- that risk is only for the fools.

They may be right you know just as you may be right,too.  Then again, isn't it amazing ... to see yourself get up, take those baby steps towards another place  of delicious ambiguity and the crazybeautiful mess you can create from it.  These you always say.  

But it's too early for that.   I'm sure there are many possibilities running wild inside your head.  The craving is too strong that it's jusz too much for negative energies lurking in some dark slimy corners of little minds.   You cannot be weighed down.  It is your point of exit,  it is the same place where you begin.

You own this and everything in it.

Here's to you who is never scared of doors.

The whole nine yards

may be i'm just tired
My daughter's cultural exchange program can be very exhausting.  Given my nature, I'm very peculiar with details.  But I'm thankful for having connections who have been very helpful in planning the logistics for the California and NYC legs.
In a few weeks, I'm moving to my new office, facing new challenges.  But very eager to have coffee at Mall of Asia with good old CITEM friends.

And i'm really tired
Of invaded space that makes me  sick
Getting  in and saw no traces of me
and of blocked spaces ...last time it was 3 years, this time should be longer
Of re-confirmations of truths i already know
And lies, too ... for years i thought were untrue
Here and there are pure coincidence, I get it now.

It's only February and many things coming up way too fast, it's too overwhelming, i need to slow down.

I am very far now.