Joel Abadilla Ilagan

Your cohorts they never stopped.  Bring it on!

... and the stories he's been stickin with.

Going Seven

I.


"Almost" is word that uhm could be, neither good nor bad, depending which side youre taking or wait until it reveals itself to you.

But this "Almost"  is a bad thing for me.  Two things, one, it's long overdue.  So "almost" is not an acceptable option!  Two, it's but hypothetical, matter of factly, impossible.  Yes that part, chorus, third line.





II*

Recorded history.  On the fifth year, it was always rosier,  Broken, but stitched to a quilt.  Always on the 5th year.  Like it was with Emer.  And Mark, then there was you.  May be, Arcee, after you.  Five years of my life taken away, all for the healing.  It was last year, and I was looking forward to see my ol' fragmented self  waiting to embrace that moment of sweet, quiet redemption.  But I was too condescending.  I miscalculated my capacity, and your impact.

Six years and counting.
The last and the fiercest need more time.
(I say this, putting some good words,  trying to be kind to myself.)







*this was last year.  i didn't post.  because i thought, I was way passed "Almost".

Rhiannon --- The Witch Wife ;-)

".... a state of mind."


Witch-Wife
She is neither pink nor pale,
And she never will be all mine; 
She learned her hands in a fairy-tale,
And her mouth on a valentine.

She has more hair than she needs;
In the sun ‘tis a woe to me!
And her voice is a string of coloured beads,
Or steps leading into the sea.

She loves me all that she can,
And her ways to my ways resign;
But she was not made for any man,
And she never will be all mine.

honey, nothing beats our marathon talks!

… eh nakakamiss naman talaga makipagusap sa masarap kausap … yung kahit ano pwede at kaya nyong pagusapan … yung sa sobrang engaged nyo sa moment na yun, hindi nyo na namalayan ang oras  …. bihira to eh … minsan nga, minsan lang darating, tapos nun, tapos na.  So may mag ba buzz sa yo, iba buzz back mo.  you will try to start a thrail.  but then it was not that kind that you’re missing, you know, that one you once had.  
*** *** ***
Frustrating.  you signed out realizing despite putting all the prettiest words together, you actually left behind an empty thread

—

orgasmicConversations are quite rare these days Usap lang naman … hayaan na … mabait naman. Its not fair na hanapin mo sa kanya yung taong hindi naman sya talaga … yung taong matagal ng wala … Ive got to tell myself, go Find joy in new interactions even when its not with Joel. (some very late re-post from  irmavanta.tumblr.com  )

Till then,

https://youtu.be/2ncMjBhn0cI


… may be next year … time’s fast naman … so sa 2018 ulit … basta buhay ako … hahanapin kita … mahahanap kita … kahit hindi mo alam, kahit ayaw mo …
#Joel Ilagan
”

one more shot at the dark

you know, i always go back to that place
you didn't notice
you were too busy, growing your network, liking this and that, sharing stuff, posting videos, waxing poetry.  especially during March.  always in March.  there's just too much to celebrate in March.

you know, i turned on the lights for you
and you didn't even blink.

of grey hairs and flyaways

(What to do?  What to do? my fingers tapping relentless on practically anything) 

I

First, I thank my mother’s genes for  not giving me all those grey hairs. Even my dearly beloved Lola was in her 90s and had reasonable amount of greys.  So I just saying, I’m a  grateful Romero Arcinas  and I’m not complaining.

Second, I am completely sold to the idea of growing old, in a literal sense.  I do not mind wrinkled skins, sagging breasts, gaining weight  (but a bit scared of losing my hair tho).  Any dispute with nature is futile so I’d rather not get into that.  In my twilight years,  I hope to be healthy, clean and “fresh” with age,  busy growing my hobbies and enjoying every single moment doing them, and will  write and blog as much  as I can.  And why not, get my hands dirty with my grandchildren (though this is still far in my head at  this time).    And certainly, still be socially relevant, family and country.  Bottomline, I  think it’s lovely to still be a rockstar at 70.  ;-)   #Audrey Hepburn  #Brigitte Bardot

Having said that, when you’re 46 the sight of slowly fading locks is not a welcome idea as yet.   I get a few every now and then so I dye  my hair blue black twice a year, max.  In as a much as I want to be a brunette, oh mayne, it just doesn’t work for me.

So one morning, before my usual dose of coffee, in the ladies room, at the office, I was quietly working on my face, there they were again,  some strands of baby hairs ( Thank God I still grow ‘em alright, like there is still hope basking like sunshine lol)  and and and oh my, whitey –ish strands sprouting like wild weeds just like what may be 10 days after my last hair dye?!  These things they always have that funny way of sneakin right there on the left side of  my hairline just above my forehead!

But then, it was a little different that morning.   I was running my fingers through those greys, and I felt that, those tiny pieces of silver, I like ‘em.  Not that they look attractive but somehow at the core of my thoughts,  I realized, it somehow, for some reason,  beneath them, I found more character in my face (or with much depth, (within), in me).  Moments like that, they come into your consciousness, like a flash, swiftly, very fast, yet very lingering.  You reflect on it more with profoundness, it becomes haunting.  I am getting older by the day, and I’ve  got a growing body of knowledge from experiences, relationships, moments,  sounds crazy but that was what I saw that morning , before my usual dose of coffee, in the ladies room, at the office, while quietly working on my face.  My crowning glory, my journey, in silver linings.  So I let them be, left alone, to  journey with me.

II

Last Wednesday, I cut ‘em short.  The shortest I had for the last 10 years or so that I’ve worn my hair long.  It was a stressful day at the office, and suddenly I was picking on my tresses, thin, shapeless and all weighed down.  They say, and I agree,  jusz too much hairs makes you look older, juts like what heavy makeup does to you.   There was a stomp on my chest seeing my hairstylist collecting all my fallen tresses from the floor, my mind’s all made up.  It’s just about time.

It weighs yuou down, you let it go.

Today, I’m sportin’  em in between my ear lobes and just above my neckline.  I know the challenge with short medium haircuts --- the flyaways.  It’s hard to tame ‘em, or you just can’t tame ‘em at all.  I tried though. In general, I always do, try first before sayin’ “ok, ‘nuff done!” 

 The next day I got me some keratin leave-ons and a rubber roller brush.  Good judgment will tell you when to say, “OK, ‘nuff done!  Next, please.” , not to mention the amount of patience I’ve got is not really that much.  So …

I need a second paradigm shift. 

I decided to cut it short so I’ve got to live with that decision for awhile.

I’ve got messy buns before like I’ve got untamed flyaways now.  I’ve got to love ‘em anyways.

And without any qualms.  I really do. 

It is well with my soul.

#Hair Lessons #Life Goals

It weighs you down, cut it off.

but really really hard to let go ... more than a decade that ive worn my hair long.  this was the last shot, at the office, that really, really stressful Wednesday.

Loveblendin'

Back at it ... waxing poetry in my secret room ... on Valentines day,

Sayin' Grace

I really think I've moved on from .... i still dine at Mary Grace's without slipping notes, recalling all the broken promises, waxing all that drama --- it's jusz me, my hectic sked and good food. Bliss.

... it's actually about the table.  I deliberately avoided the ones with the glass tops, you  know, those ones with the teeny weeny spaces, just enuff for you to squeeze in that brown stationery and all your emotional baggage written all over it screamin like everything just happened that night you discovered all their pedicured photos posted in Facebook Thanksgiving Day 2011.  That was massive dishonesty, I tell you.  Lesson I've taken all my life.  I was a totally different person after that. It was that war I went to ... and changed me.

shallow

http://irmavanta.tumblr.com/post/156711828789/smartbadarse-yung-nakikita-mo-pero-di-nya

Try to make some sense naman, and please your manicured musings about your love, your life, your happiness, blah, blah, blah makes me puke arrgghhh

The Land of Oz

I missed them this one time, at 46, still that tryst with really profoundly painful freakin menstrual cramps - you know that kind you have to call in sick when you have a mountain of back logs in your desk, what the F! yes, and that kind, too that ruins your date with old friends, from Gapo and high school.

The village doctor is suspecting endometriosis.   I am now overdue with my Ob Gyne.

.......

and so yesterday was the only time I got ...to say hi, to say thanks and how you been ... sorry that i missed the time with you  guys ...

so we talked about dognuts reunion in sydney ... leveling up ... that sound lyke a plan ...

and so out of the blue ... it went down to this thread ... oh mayne, the memories of you i keep ... these was all that you left me ...

Me:
"Remember nold ... that time ... with that guy ... i wanted to go to sydney and jump ship to houston. Teene d b"


Nold:

oh dear. hehehe. tangina talaga. hahaha.

this made me laugh"

smh

... this was how i remember you.