The Malevolent Ghost

I did not attend (guess, i never will) our grade school reunion, because, even if they did not know what happened between us 7 years ago, everything else there will remind me of you, your playground, my thoughtlessness,  this wreckage.  So even if you don’t care, I am saying this, all these years, I have been striving to painstakingly put the pieces together, they don’t look as good as you found them, but I am stitching 'em well, and I won’t let anything ruin my quilt again. Even if it was just your memory.  

Joel Abadilla Ilagan

Your cohorts they never stopped.  Bring it on!

... and the stories he's been stickin with.

Going Seven

I.


"Almost" is word that uhm could be, neither good nor bad, depending which side youre taking or wait until it reveals itself to you.

But this "Almost"  is a bad thing for me.  Two things, one, it's long overdue.  So "almost" is not an acceptable option!  Two, it's but hypothetical, matter of factly, impossible.  Yes that part, chorus, third line.





II*

Recorded history.  On the fifth year, it was always rosier,  Broken, but stitched to a quilt.  Always on the 5th year.  Like it was with Emer.  And Mark, then there was you.  May be, Arcee, after you.  Five years of my life taken away, all for the healing.  It was last year, and I was looking forward to see my ol' fragmented self  waiting to embrace that moment of sweet, quiet redemption.  But I was too condescending.  I miscalculated my capacity, and your impact.

Six years and counting.
The last and the fiercest need more time.
(I say this, putting some good words,  trying to be kind to myself.)







*this was last year.  i didn't post.  because i thought, I was way passed "Almost".

Rhiannon --- The Witch Wife ;-)

".... a state of mind."


Witch-Wife
She is neither pink nor pale,
And she never will be all mine; 
She learned her hands in a fairy-tale,
And her mouth on a valentine.

She has more hair than she needs;
In the sun ‘tis a woe to me!
And her voice is a string of coloured beads,
Or steps leading into the sea.

She loves me all that she can,
And her ways to my ways resign;
But she was not made for any man,
And she never will be all mine.

honey, nothing beats our marathon talks!

… eh nakakamiss naman talaga makipagusap sa masarap kausap … yung kahit ano pwede at kaya nyong pagusapan … yung sa sobrang engaged nyo sa moment na yun, hindi nyo na namalayan ang oras  …. bihira to eh … minsan nga, minsan lang darating, tapos nun, tapos na.  So may mag ba buzz sa yo, iba buzz back mo.  you will try to start a thrail.  but then it was not that kind that you’re missing, you know, that one you once had.  
*** *** ***
Frustrating.  you signed out realizing despite putting all the prettiest words together, you actually left behind an empty thread

—

orgasmicConversations are quite rare these days Usap lang naman … hayaan na … mabait naman. Its not fair na hanapin mo sa kanya yung taong hindi naman sya talaga … yung taong matagal ng wala … Ive got to tell myself, go Find joy in new interactions even when its not with Joel. (some very late re-post from  irmavanta.tumblr.com  )

Till then,

https://youtu.be/2ncMjBhn0cI


… may be next year … time’s fast naman … so sa 2018 ulit … basta buhay ako … hahanapin kita … mahahanap kita … kahit hindi mo alam, kahit ayaw mo …
#Joel Ilagan
”

one more shot at the dark

you know, i always go back to that place
you didn't notice
you were too busy, growing your network, liking this and that, sharing stuff, posting videos, waxing poetry.  especially during March.  always in March.  there's just too much to celebrate in March.

you know, i turned on the lights for you
and you didn't even blink.

of grey hairs and flyaways

(What to do?  What to do? my fingers tapping relentless on practically anything) 

I

First, I thank my mother’s genes for  not giving me all those grey hairs. Even my dearly beloved Lola was in her 90s and had reasonable amount of greys.  So I just saying, I’m a  grateful Romero Arcinas  and I’m not complaining.

Second, I am completely sold to the idea of growing old, in a literal sense.  I do not mind wrinkled skins, sagging breasts, gaining weight  (but a bit scared of losing my hair tho).  Any dispute with nature is futile so I’d rather not get into that.  In my twilight years,  I hope to be healthy, clean and “fresh” with age,  busy growing my hobbies and enjoying every single moment doing them, and will  write and blog as much  as I can.  And why not, get my hands dirty with my grandchildren (though this is still far in my head at  this time).    And certainly, still be socially relevant, family and country.  Bottomline, I  think it’s lovely to still be a rockstar at 70.  ;-)   #Audrey Hepburn  #Brigitte Bardot

Having said that, when you’re 46 the sight of slowly fading locks is not a welcome idea as yet.   I get a few every now and then so I dye  my hair blue black twice a year, max.  In as a much as I want to be a brunette, oh mayne, it just doesn’t work for me.

So one morning, before my usual dose of coffee, in the ladies room, at the office, I was quietly working on my face, there they were again,  some strands of baby hairs ( Thank God I still grow ‘em alright, like there is still hope basking like sunshine lol)  and and and oh my, whitey –ish strands sprouting like wild weeds just like what may be 10 days after my last hair dye?!  These things they always have that funny way of sneakin right there on the left side of  my hairline just above my forehead!

But then, it was a little different that morning.   I was running my fingers through those greys, and I felt that, those tiny pieces of silver, I like ‘em.  Not that they look attractive but somehow at the core of my thoughts,  I realized, it somehow, for some reason,  beneath them, I found more character in my face (or with much depth, (within), in me).  Moments like that, they come into your consciousness, like a flash, swiftly, very fast, yet very lingering.  You reflect on it more with profoundness, it becomes haunting.  I am getting older by the day, and I’ve  got a growing body of knowledge from experiences, relationships, moments,  sounds crazy but that was what I saw that morning , before my usual dose of coffee, in the ladies room, at the office, while quietly working on my face.  My crowning glory, my journey, in silver linings.  So I let them be, left alone, to  journey with me.

II

Last Wednesday, I cut ‘em short.  The shortest I had for the last 10 years or so that I’ve worn my hair long.  It was a stressful day at the office, and suddenly I was picking on my tresses, thin, shapeless and all weighed down.  They say, and I agree,  jusz too much hairs makes you look older, juts like what heavy makeup does to you.   There was a stomp on my chest seeing my hairstylist collecting all my fallen tresses from the floor, my mind’s all made up.  It’s just about time.

It weighs yuou down, you let it go.

Today, I’m sportin’  em in between my ear lobes and just above my neckline.  I know the challenge with short medium haircuts --- the flyaways.  It’s hard to tame ‘em, or you just can’t tame ‘em at all.  I tried though. In general, I always do, try first before sayin’ “ok, ‘nuff done!” 

 The next day I got me some keratin leave-ons and a rubber roller brush.  Good judgment will tell you when to say, “OK, ‘nuff done!  Next, please.” , not to mention the amount of patience I’ve got is not really that much.  So …

I need a second paradigm shift. 

I decided to cut it short so I’ve got to live with that decision for awhile.

I’ve got messy buns before like I’ve got untamed flyaways now.  I’ve got to love ‘em anyways.

And without any qualms.  I really do. 

It is well with my soul.

#Hair Lessons #Life Goals

It weighs you down, cut it off.

but really really hard to let go ... more than a decade that ive worn my hair long.  this was the last shot, at the office, that really, really stressful Wednesday.

Loveblendin'

Back at it ... waxing poetry in my secret room ... on Valentines day,

Sayin' Grace

I really think I've moved on from .... i still dine at Mary Grace's without slipping notes, recalling all the broken promises, waxing all that drama --- it's jusz me, my hectic sked and good food. Bliss.

... it's actually about the table.  I deliberately avoided the ones with the glass tops, you  know, those ones with the teeny weeny spaces, just enuff for you to squeeze in that brown stationery and all your emotional baggage written all over it screamin like everything just happened that night you discovered all their pedicured photos posted in Facebook Thanksgiving Day 2011.  That was massive dishonesty, I tell you.  Lesson I've taken all my life.  I was a totally different person after that. It was that war I went to ... and changed me.

shallow

http://irmavanta.tumblr.com/post/156711828789/smartbadarse-yung-nakikita-mo-pero-di-nya

Try to make some sense naman, and please your manicured musings about your love, your life, your happiness, blah, blah, blah makes me puke arrgghhh

The Land of Oz

I missed them this one time, at 46, still that tryst with really profoundly painful freakin menstrual cramps - you know that kind you have to call in sick when you have a mountain of back logs in your desk, what the F! yes, and that kind, too that ruins your date with old friends, from Gapo and high school.

The village doctor is suspecting endometriosis.   I am now overdue with my Ob Gyne.

.......

and so yesterday was the only time I got ...to say hi, to say thanks and how you been ... sorry that i missed the time with you  guys ...

so we talked about dognuts reunion in sydney ... leveling up ... that sound lyke a plan ...

and so out of the blue ... it went down to this thread ... oh mayne, the memories of you i keep ... these was all that you left me ...

Me:
"Remember nold ... that time ... with that guy ... i wanted to go to sydney and jump ship to houston. Teene d b"


Nold:

oh dear. hehehe. tangina talaga. hahaha.

this made me laugh"

smh

... this was how i remember you.

Sorry. No. Bee. Leave me alone! Iridescent. Whole landscape. And that last line ...

(jusz becoz I've been watchin' re-run of my forever favorite movies.  it's a long holiday.  only be back for office on the 3rd.  the last two days were Notting Hill, Chasing Liberty and Dirty Dancing:  Havana Nights.  earlier today was A walk to Remember. and then this.  I loved this movie so much that this was the third time I was writing about it.  The first time was a reference.  The second time was a few months after that tragedy.  This, the third, I drafted 5 - 6 years ago.  I just thought, may be the timing's perfect, it get's posted in its original form, I am retaining the title, too.

I don't even remember why i wrote it this way.  I took the lines and placed them not in the same order as they were in the book or in the film.  I took the words for the title, key words, to remind this writer why she wrote it this way.

'Must say, I still love happy endings tho, especially, in the movies.)


Bryce Loski: Juli, I'm sorry.
Juli Baker: No. You're not.

Garrett: Hey! Have you flipped? Whats the matter with you?

Garrett: Are you freaking mental? Juli Baker? You hate her.
Bryce Loski: That's whats so weird, I don't think I do.

Bryce Loski: There was a... bee in her hair.
Dana Tressler: There's no bee.

[Bryce enters the second grade classroom]
Young Juli: Bryce! You're here!
[runs up and tries to hug him]

Juli Baker: Bryce, you should come up here. It's so beautiful.

Bryce Loski: All I ever wanted was for Juli Baker to leave me alone.

Juli Baker: His hair smelled just like watermelon.

Chet Duncan: Some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss; but every once in a while, you find someone who's iridescent, and once you do, nothing will ever compare.

Juli Baker: I guess it's something about his eyes or maybe his smile.
Richard Baker: And what about him?
Juli Baker: What?
Richard Baker: You have to look at the whole landscape.
Juli Baker: What does that mean?
Richard Baker: A painting is more then the sum of it's parts. A cow by itself is just A cow. A meadow by itself is just grass, flowers. And the sun picking through the trees, is just a beam of light. But you put them all together and it can be magic.

Bryce Loski: Flat, glossy, iridescent? What the hell does that mean? Juli Baker has always seem plain to me. Until now.

Dana Tressler: The only bee your attracting is B-R-Y-C-E. I'm telling you, that boy is lost in Loveland.

Bryce Loski: The way she ignore me was a constant reminder that I've been a jerk.

... another dream ... another Christmas ...

.... because i want to see you ...

Facebook Moments

#hugotLines  #Catunaosiblings  #selfExplanatory  

Dagitab:  An Ode to Middle Aged (freakin') Love  (whatever that meant)

A little bit of Janis ...

Painting.  Books.  Guitar.  Rebellious.  Unconventional.  Old fashion love. Wild old fashion makin' love.  This is us.  May be the reasons why I got so drawn into her.  The connection of alpha omega. She died over shooting heroine, that same year I was born

Of blowjobs and heartbreaks. There will always be that One Person.  Joe. Country and Li'l City.

And differences.  Distinct. Strong.

Her relentless desire for social approval.  In her younger days she was an outcast.  Well, usually in high school, either you fit in or you don't.   Hers continued until college, from dorm halls to motel rooms.  Her rockstar status changed all that.  Not until she was back in her high school homecoming, in Port Arthur.  Hometowns they have that funny way of sneakin on you ... like those ghost stories and bad dreams ... sometimes, they just don't go away no matter how far and fast you've run away from all of 'em.

A few times I ask myself, is this one of my many ways to impose my rebellious, stubborn nature.  As I either feign social approval or I simply really do  not care or I may be condescending, too.   Well, you see, while I do not belong in a rock band like she did, but the limelight, oh dear, I don't want it but its there ... I've got moments that it was just there for the taking, but then, I chose to (like I still do) snuggle safely, comfortably, sweetly to my comfort group.  A small place for a big girl.  Like in my corporate life, one of the things I still do not learn to enjoy being part of management are those dreadful events with my co-managers, MDs, Prexies, heads of agencies --- rubbing elbows during executive meetings, cocktails and dinner receptions.  In CITEM, I always will find that chance to table hop where my friends are --- all the way to the department I head, my kumares, the quiet hardworking  ladies from maintenance and the funny, very helpful gentlemen from security.

She thought and felt otherwise.  I know some people until this very day, people who crave and fight for attention.  I find it disgusting and when i say that I know that I'm being insensitive.  I don't wear their shoes,  I don't carry their chains.  I succumbed to their neediness, their suffocating clinginess, their shallow perspective of life's basics and essentials, I cave in and give them the dose of attention they need.Out of pity.  Out of temporal joy that it gives them.  I am partly responsible in creating/sustaining that illusion that at this very moment they have this overwhelming feeling of being wanted.  An apex height that melts down quickly, furiously.

Her obsession to belong was a spiral of compromises and negligence that probably drove her to heroine.  One night, she choked from her own vomit.  Still makes me wonder what ever happened to her raspy voice.

I managed my own addiction.  I was more of a rebel than a junkie.  There was more angst in me than craving.  For some reason, I guess my life line does not include being an addict. I even took charge of my own alcoholism.  And challenged my own self in overcoming a depression. I am resilient but I know when to stop.  I once said, a wise fighter is someone who knows when (and how) to quit.  I will always always come to terms with myself.  I draw the line.  I bounce. Always, always...

Twenty-seven.  Mid- twennies.  Prelude to that.  Been there, done that, too.  It's always a phase.  Just a phase we all go through. Perhaps if she was able to surpass that stage or outlive it, she'll be sober looking back at 35 or 40 years.  But she didn't.

I'm still here.  Writing my pages.  Forty six and staring at my more or less 27 year old self.

This was my first photo of her,already internet days..

Beltin Ball & Chain, one of my fave performance of Janis at the Monterey Fest.  Check out, Cry Baby, too.

All about Janis

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/music/artists/janis-joplin-why-she-still-has-a-piece-of-our-heart/

http://www.countryjoe.com/autobio.htm

http://www.janisjoplin.com/index.php

.... that you and i could never, Joe and Pearl

Surviving Friday

Outrageous  dreams. Don't you get that each time.

I wasn't really thinking about that just before bedtime.  But the beating and the trauma,  or may be it has been embedded subconsciously ...

Friday morning, 7th of October.  This was how I remember everything., may be because this was how I want things to be, hope them to be ... I keep dreaming you  know.

"Somebody was sorry and trying to make up.  The other one gave in easy.   I was torn for awhile but in the end you knew who I went for."

But you see, lessons were taught and learned, hard and tedious as they were, the redeeming factor is that people can actually turn it around and learn from their misfortunes so they wouldn't have to go through the same ordeal again. The signs are blinking and you  know it.

We can recall, sometimes in details, what we just dreamed about because, dream occurs not during deep sleep but when we are nearly waking up, REM stage.  Memory of that brain activity still fresh.

Last Friday, that was the dream I woke up to.   And this was how it ended ...

You were holding my hand like a clasp, exactly like you said you wanted to do with me  before when we were still talking, and me still in the spiral ... and I was like a puppy kissing your big, round and brown cheeks, you know that part with your famous trademark mole which' I've always find sexy (I still do) --- that you didn't know and will never but what do you care.

It was that moment with you, and then there was this voice, fainted but firm. "Remember what he did to you."*




*i brought this with me the whole day friday.  and survived it. like i always do

the best thing about China

In the last 12 years, I was there about 3 or 4 times.  US bound-stopover in Hongkong, not counted :)

Almost 48 hours flying, waiting, running, scaring myself like hell crazy in between aircrafts and airport lounges.  Forty six years and an experienced traveler, that was (still) traumatic. 

I stayed in Futian Shangri-la, no cable TV, no facebook, no viber, no IG, nothing google, a handful of English-speaking Chinese.

And BeVee so full of himself, throwing hissy fits like a 2-year old.

This, was the one and the only redeeming factor.

So the best thing about China ---- Lenka!

#trulyAsia

... looks lyke i'm beginning to enjoy KL

aboard MH 705, this kept me company.  Thanks to a co-bookworm, this got a new home in my closet ;-)

Lenka was onboard and so was the rest of my crew. :)

Touch down baby!  Room 1110.

Looks lyke a Special Setting but this was the hotel lobby.  So avanty-ish.

I called this the "Benetton" cabinet.  It stands by the foyer jusz before my hotel room.

#iLovebig(wooden)beds!

This is my favorite spot --- the bath. Look at the interiors,  squared "stoney-ish" Jerusalemic ;-), laid neatly on the walls where regular bathroom tiles are usually installed.   So cool and unique, this concept.   

Ok, this week was certified cheat week.   Last night I had two glasses (short ones) of vodka.  Still sober.    and this, hot signature, my 2nd for the week, 5 shots (instead of 8) of choc'late mix, no whip, jusz non-fat milk.   fair nuff, huh.   

inflight movie was pretty somethin'  ---- you know, the search, far, wide and all that somethin you dunno. :(

and my short (er) hair, boho tops and  red oversized shades jusz pulling it off ;-)

my OSTD, my LSS --- check out Paper Towns soundtrack --- fresh and hippie.