Kitch Witch Diaries: The Search for Roseman Bridge ...

Ok, these got 2 parts.

FIRST PART

I was going over my Timeline photos 2 days ago while working on some project proposal at the office then i chanced upon this posting some time late last year. I got inspired writing about my love affair with this vintage-looking little book my Robert James Waller right after watching the movie for the 2nd time around. The first time i've seen i was just playing film critic, hoping Robert Redford  over Clint Eastwood and not finding Meryl Streep  not sexy enough for a lonely hottie wife,  Francesca Johnson.

Something in my head about working on my review for that Beth Harbison book but couldn't start for the very apparent reason that it was like a sharp edged knife slashing that part of my chest again.  So I'm decided to park it meantime.  especially about Nate ... leaving .. saying ... "I'd rather love you and be alone than love you and be ..."  Damn!  How did writers learn to write so painfully?  So am sayin' ... I'm parkin' this meantime.

So there you go, an automatic review of that love between a man named Robert Kincaid and a woman he called Francesca.

"Mid 90s … just like the rest. I brought and read it along wherever I was. I was never shy with my emotions. I laugh, breakdown, display affection, get pissed like nobody’s watching LOL ... and that story of Robert Kincaid and Francesca Johnson never fails to make me cry like a baby … in that little place I shared with my (then) boyfriend, sa banyo, sa kwarto, sa module ko sa Hall 5 ng CITEM, sa La Salle, sa taxi, sa jeep … literally kahit saan. 2011, I got a DVD copy of that novel and got myself watching it again today which led me to reminiscing vintage living, the smell of suburb, that old truck Harry, the mean yellow dog, Manila paper, rumor mongers LOL, a woman’s impulse shopping prior to major major date LMAO, and that other summer dress I wanted for myself lala, Nighthawk Cummings and his weeping horn, Franny’s fanning her naked bod with fresh air, dark night, by the porch hehe, and my formal introduction to Anais Nin (my new inspiration), normal marriages, normal families, death and coming to terms, those magnificent words of love, that once in a lifetime certainty and a room to dance again."

SECOND PART

All because of this and for the love of goodreads :) ... I went looking for an old Roseman Bridge photo i remember posting somewhere in one of my FB quilts  ... not in my Timeline nor in my favorite number album ... then there ...  suddenly i was there ... a place i hardly i go to these days, "A Lesson on Cooking and Life"  album, one of my many private albums  ... i found all these but no Roseman Bridge.  My broken heart started beating fast ... Oh tear ...

After 41 years and 2 months.
A sweet, spolied brat's first dish.
Pakbet for my Honey. 6/25/2011

proudly in my purple plate  ... that's one good-lookin' menudo ahuh! 7/7/2011

fresh shrimps 101 curt'sy of Honey ko 

26th August 2011 ... a few days before our last day, our last weekend together.  ... ***he even reminded me to ask for beer salt and limit my beer to 3 ... me the obedient honey  ... had only 3 beers that evening. We closed down Mexicali.

one of his songs daw for me 8/17/2011

missing my honey bunch so much 7/6/2011

Table for one. 6th September 2011.

Decision made 23rd October 2011.

Marimar takes a bow LOL ... cookin' with mah "mumps" blue saranggani anklet, mah baby pink hanes, while my hair clamped with pink bushes ... still candles, still coffee 7/9/2011

Mine 8/19/2011

gettin' butchered for the 2nd time! — at Tattoo de Iloco, Laoag City.  6/10/2012

Nike Air Trainer 1.3 Max Breathe MP 11/7/2011— at ♥.

Such a lovely pair! — at ♥.

Binili ko kasi akala ko seryoso sya na gusto nya talaga .. joke time lang pala ulit.  Ang mahal na joke ... tsaka ang sakit ... hayyy

Ayun accumulating dusts and cobwebs in my Ottoman.  Sophie always commenting kung bakit di  pa kinukuha nung nagpabili (my daughter she accompanied me in Bonifacio Global City to get this limited edition pair.) ... sabi ko, nakalimutan na kasi malayo ... she'll turn her back and go on with her chores ... i tell myself softly ... pag namatay ako, sama ko to sa kabaong ko, para mailibing na kasama ako.

i thought of donating Nike here  — atwww.brokenships.com.

The Museum of Broken Relationships grew from a traveling exhibition revolving around the concept of failed relationships and their ruins. Unlike ‘destructive’ self-help instructions for recovery from failed loves, the Museum offers a chance to overcome an emotional collapse through creation: by contributing to the Museum's collection.

i remember still ... 4/18/2012— at theeternalbliss.wordpress.com.

Me ditching the false claims about twin flame.

26 August 2012 ... I was thinking may be I should unfriend all our common friends, but that would be unfair. This pops out on the right side panel of Destine's pixietales. I blocked you because of this. It wasn't your fault. And I wasnt angry. It's just that, its my prerogative. And i still hurt.


That was his prerogative.  To post a profile picture and shout it out to the whole word.  Irregardless of my feelings (as ever, as always) ... It was my prerogative to block him.  I know if didnt matter to him at all.  But it mattered to me.  Mababaw man, pero baka makatulong ... not to see his profile pic with his wife. and  be reminded of the pile of lies, a 41 year old woman of my intelligence,  consciously chose to believe in.  My bad.

Your thoughts can hurt you.  But those are imaginations until you see a picture.

(His memory still makes me cry.  Love sucks isnt it?)

... "cried a river, built something like Roseman bridge ... threw the ashes ... but never getting over ..."

Umuulan sa labas.  Umuulan din sa loob ng kwarto ko.  Kasalanan tong lahat ng Roseman Bridge na yan!  Kainez!

we're on our Phase 3 --- that painful dance of facing our karma ...

now i know why i felt like
you were closer to me than anyone else on earth ...
now i know why the sound of your voice
mesmerized me so much ...
you've been mine ... forever ... and i've been yours ...

"When you don't mean anything, you can say goodbye anytime. " leojamri

My desperation. A much needed help after this major revamp in my life. Found the site for the first time in FB, the old "ning" was compromised. So my new friend Misty made a new one ... this one ...

I remember I posted a question in the FB site on what to do when the relationship with your twin soul becomes one-sided ... hurtful ... when you're taken for granted by your other half to the point that you question it yourself if he indeed was your twin flame because if he was ...

... how could he break my heart when it's gonna feel like his breaking his?

... Why would he lie about his real status? When he knows this is an important factor on the present and the future of our relationship?

... When simple things amount to a mountain of truths ... like the real reasons behind untagging my photo from his page, deleting his comments from my page, changing his profile to a puppy if only not to give away his identity after i listed him as my Honey in Facebook. At least suspecting common and uncommon friends would not easily identify him ... Facebook enlists may be a hundred of Joel Ilagan(s) ... my Honey Joel Ilagan can be anyone of them.

Simple things he did to hide me away from his world ... from his wife, his kids, his family and friends. The dark closet was suffocating, but he didn't want my skeleton dangling in front of people he truly cares about. He didn't want to hurt their feelings ... but it's perfectly alright to trample on mine. And he did all these, without a single explanation, no apologies, no remorse. I died from asphyxia, 4 months ago. And for all he care!

... Why would he not communicate with me. This is a long distance relationship, any form of communication is key. That's the only way our so called relationship can survive. He stopped talking to me, just like that especially those times when I needed him the most. He turned his back. For more than one month. If that could kill, that would have been my second death.

... Why changed status, our Group, his wife's friends, his friends, feasted on it. I was degraded to the lowest form. A 42 year old adult male consciously did that without any consideration of my feelings, his other woman.

... My so called twin flame made his choice. But I guess, its nature taking course ... he goes back to the wife and dumps his mistress. That's the way the story goes. History has not changed. A concubine demoted to the lowest lowest form nearing garbage. There's no better way to treat a woman like that. I deserve the disrespect and the trashy treatment. I am a Whore!

My new family may have some answers for me ... if he indeed is my twin soul, then we'll meet again, tables will be turned, this time I'd be the one to break his heart. This Whore ... still would not trade places , not yesterday, not today, not in the future, not in my next lifetimes.

‎NJV said once, but actually quoting Isobelle Carmody, "The deepest wounds aren't the ones we get from other people hurting us. They are the wounds we give ourselves when we hurt other people."

Irma S. Vanta commented. " Thank God, I'm not much of an offender :) ... but the clumsy, silly one :(. But I won't trade places though :). I don't like "deepest wounds".
August 27 at 11:25am · Like · 1 person

One month and forever

A Runners Version of Soul-Shock*
(*Moe's metaphysical blog)

Soul-Shock: The pain and distress the soul experiences when your Twin-Flame abandons you.

There are some great materials describing “soul shock” on the internet. My favorite is by Steve Gunn and can be found at his site www.stevegunn.net

Let’s talk about the Runner though. Anyone with a level of spiritual awareness has trouble understanding how two people can experience a deep soul connection, share the bliss, joy and divine love that these relationships offer- only to have one partner run.

The mind, heart, soul… no aspect of our being comprehends this. Someone would choose to leave the most amazing thing that can happen between individuals? Yes, they do… we’re calling them Runners.

Runners seem to reach a road block. After a period of ecstasy and connection, the Runner leaves. It can be sudden, or there can be a gradual distancing. Either way, they leave the “aware” partner in the dust- shaken to the core and confused.

What we don’t talk about a lot- because there is little information on Runners, is that they experience a different kind of shock.

A Runner runs for complex reasons but an element they all have in common is that they are thrown-off by the intensity of the relationship. They do not have time to adapt, it’s there right off the bat, the whole ‘soul package’. They don’t intellectually understand it. They feel it, but that’s the problem. Their head and heart/soul are not in alignment.

These same people would be comfortable sticking around if it was no more than physical chemistry. They would be ok if it was only friendship. They would probably be ok if it had been a slow evolution from curiosity to lust to friend to relationship to “soul partner”.

What they can’t wrap their head around is that in one human being (their Twin Flame) they are presented with a package that includes all of those things- at the start. No effort required.

They can’t process how this can exist! Even if they believe in such a thing as an ideal soul-mate, they aren’t spiritually prepared to face him/her so they back off & artificially generate a “slow evolution”.

Think of it this way. If they did not feel the same intensity as their partner, they’d be there. Does that sound backwards? Going into shock makes people do things they wouldn’t do in any other circumstances.

Runners can’t seem to explain their own behavior. They don’t know why they act the way they do… if you can get them to talk while they’re in the heat of the confusion, you might hear “I’ve never acted like this in my life. I can’t explain it. I don’t know who I am anymore or why I’m behaving this way. This is not the man/woman I am. I don’t know what’s wrong with me”.

They seem aware they are not themselves but are helpless to stop.

It is a process. It’s tempting to call Runners stupid, isn’t it? What is obvious to us is confusing to them. What is joyful to us is frightening to them. They are fearful that what they feel is not real, that they are making it up & nobody could possibly love them that much. Surely it must be a trick.

They are fearful that if they say yes to a relationship, it could crumble and they could never recover. If they didn’t mutually love their Soul Mate/Twin Flame, they wouldn’t have the fear. Do you see? You can’t loose what you don’t choose.

So you see, while it seems ridiculous, the soul-shock a Runner causes is because they are in shock themselves.

If it gives you any peace, imagine your Runner interacting with anybody BUT you. In your mind’s eye see them. A normal person behaving normally, right?

Does this not tell you that either one of two things are happening? Either this is not your Twin-Flame and they are an idiot and you can be happy that they have left.

Or… this is indeed a high level Twin-Flame whose soul did recognize you, but their mind needs time to catch up.



(last night before going to bed, i put a little amount of courage, and went back to our last sweetest thread @ FB ... August 13, Friday, a few days after I unfriended you. Our thread pushed deeper in my inbox, and that little box with an empty profile pic, it bears your name but a page no longer clickable. I couldn't bear it, that fast, I was in tears.) It was so good, that it hurts so bad. Our first (and last) time to see each other move on cam :) ... and may be use a little wish, and make love like normal human beings do. :)

Bok went online, jusz about the right time for me to close that window. And I couldn't help but cry to her. How much i still miss you despite of your disappearance and complete abandonment of me. She tried to dismiss the thought, and instead mentioned that Mark invited her to go and see his mom's painting exhibit. She promised she will for the love of me :) ... yeah Mark, that Mark ahuh. She said she wanted to bring me with her :) ... I begged off. She shifted and bragged about her plates ...

I remember only three instances in my life ...not a howl, but the painfullest, most silent cries I've let go in this lifetime. First with Emer, second was when my mom died, and this time with you.

It tears every piece of me apart. And each time, I wanna die. First time, in my life, there was something, I wanna die on. My hands up. White flag up in the air. The towel's thrown. That's it, I quit!)