She was MP3. I was April Dreams. And This is Our Parody***

***some late posting from last year’s turn of events on a dear friend’s life (parallel with mine/opposite with mine)

Six years ago.    We were  in Friendster --- me, CITEM and high school.   Then she moved to Facebook … like everybody else did.  I chose to stay a bit longer in my comfort zone.  Damn, Friendster and I wouldn’t let go.  I remember my very first shout out, it was such a one-liner bitch.  I  didn’t really want to leave my old social
networking site.  I really wish I wouldn’t have too.  That was 6 years back.

*They found each other in Facebook.  Took their sweet time together, of something they thought they lost  in HS.  May be take another shot at love, with somebody you’ve always wanted to have but didn’t have the chance.  May be because they were too young and mid-life was just the best perfect timing.  I bet it was heaven.  I’m sure there were many plans and promises.  There are always two sides.  The "for real" side.  Of course, the truth will always come out.   Of course, he lied to her. Of course, she was broken into bits and pieces.  Of course, there were consequences,   After, 1 and ½ years, their plans of shuttling to and from the US and here,  they broke up.   But she held on.   And he let it be.  Neither one of them wanted to … para silang bote na paikot ikot. 

**Coming to Facebook was Friendster’s fault.  Can you imagine how tedious it was for me,  I had too many albums, messages,  testimonials … and  just too much memories of Mark Dresden, and Dennis, too (who actually set up my Friendsterfor me :) ), my fans (lol), ex-girlfriend (double lol with back flip), trolls. My reluctance was a premonition, but my transfer was inevitable.  Friendster eventually became a gaming site, and it wasn’t anything like Farmville lol.

It was like me coming out amnesia.  Finding one’s self in a totally different place and time, and felt  like nothing’s changed.  Just when I thought I've totally forgotten all about you, it's been a long time, and I have lived my life in my own terms ... you came back in my life, and suddenly it was so permanent.  So I thought I finally had the chance with you, this time, mid life. .  The idea was heaven.  There were plans.  There were promises.  And I was too confident, believing that you love me like I love you.   But that was just a theory.  It all went fast, and hard and hell.  Two months that was all.  Hindi man lang umabot ng pasko, new year, birthdays, thanksgiving,  kahit semana santa o pyestang patay etc etc.  Just two months.  Permanent and punishing.

*Suddenly there was competition.  She was too busy holding on and she didn’t see it coming.   Somebody’s fallen in love with somebody.  And it wasn’t her, and not with her.  Tables were turned now (at least that was how she felt).  She was hurt but still in good spirits. My friend is an intelligent woman, she can see through it with objectivity.  We’ve been friends since our freshman days in high school, she talks to me without shame or remorse, about her fears, and guilt feelings, her shortcomings, her angsts, frustrations, depressions, foolishness.  With men, they say, after tedious years of marriage, you let them sleep around, but not fall in love with the other person they’re sleeping with or sleeping not. 

Suddenly, she needed to compete.  Competition made her realize that she (still) loves the man she married.  Competition made her realize she didn’t want to lose him.  Now she’s ready to let go of that love that failed her.  Too bad he was already in love with her who haven’t failed him, may be not yet or may be not ever.  I was just listening. That was my friend's journey, not mine.

**Suddenly, she needed to compete. . She made you wait.  And you waited for her, for 7 years.  She was your Queen.     I was competition.  But I was just a pawn. And nobody loves a pawn. Especially not you.

Honey, don't you see, I got you your dream ... as you said ... now you wouldn't have to spend another day away from her*****.   Honey, you owe me. :)   ... This is my journey, not yours.

Of parallelism and opposites.  And life as a big joke.





*****a PM I got in my mailbox.  thanks for the updates whoever you are.  I owe you.

This is BIG BIG VINTAGE LOVE, baby!

Just the two of us in the bedroom. Mommy had nothing to do but play with her little doll. She was barely 4 mos. old.  I needed to put that "jusz-about-her-size" red fluffy pillow for balance --- and tadahhhh capture that picture perfect moment using our ever reliable Olympus camera, one that still uses photographic films :)CLICK LINK to VOTE.  http://woobox.com/q6v4vw/vote/for/4700621

A Gallery of Sweets  --- This --- make me wanna have more babies :( (jusz sayin ... or rantin' may be :(   )

Dreamin' and snappin' out of it (like a natural Pro)

... but can't cuz
..  you won't
... and (actually) never did.






*can pass for Loveblender, is it? :)



you love someone, and it's not mutual.  but the moment feeling tells you he does, i mean, loves you like you do.  love ruins your sense of sight.  love destroys your sense of reason.  and for all the things he did that he shouldn't have.  and for all those things he should have done but didn't.  posts deleted.  posts shouted.  status updates.  Christmas photos liked.  his complete abandonment of you during times you  needed him most.  of posers and stalkers who called you names to your friends and your own daughter.  hell breaks loose.    it was a circus and you were made a clown.  yet, you chose to believe yourself, and trust your feelings.

yet spells get broken, too.  in as much as you want it keep it, the way you believed it.  reality sets in eventually.and no matter how hard you try to unbreak it ... funny how, you couldn't bring yourself to believe it anymore. you know, that moment feeling. :)

you have come to accept, not when you were younger,  not in mid life.  not when you're older.  and that there was no past life, no next life either.  not in a million years.  no love found.

No Love Lost.






***  that figures, yung umiiyak ka habang nagpa Farmville lol

My Headbang Brood

my early (younger) days in Metropolitan Manila, in my early 20s.  I come home to Meycauayan at Julian Eymard, and meet up with my cousins.  I don't join their drinking but I was part of the rowdy crew.

si chamberluk at chamberlain lol ...mga pinsan kong rockers, they got me into  Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, Harem Scarem and Guns N' Roses.

we used to sing this together.  needless to say, we love this piece.  over the years, i came across a few covers, these three i loved (the original included) the most.  the jazz version of course, my fave of all faves. Check 'em out.

ang angas ng original



coo ... Babyface



me and my love for jazz  ...  Randy Crawford --- syempre this one's my favorite

Blood thickens ... my rockstar lineage.  It's in the genes pare!   

Missing my cousins BIG BIG time (those days we thought we were invincible)

  ***
Postcript

You got busted.  I got dumped.  knock knock ... WTF happened to heaven?

Robingale

I grew up in his humor. Which I liked..  From Mork and Mindy days on TV to the big screen oh they were so many, Dead Poets Society, Birdcage, Patch Adams, Awakenings, What Dreams May Come, Mrs. Doubtfire,  Jack, Good Will Hunting,   Bicentennial Man,  Artificial Intelligence,  Jakob The Liar,  One Hour Photo,  Night at The Museum, Old Dogs, Hook, Flubber, Aladdin, Jumanji, Robots.  Grade school pa lang pinapanood ko na sya.  He made us laughed, me, mama and lola.  Years after, I introduced my own daughter to him via Patch Adams.  Very recently, Sophie and I watched together on cable, re-run of Bicentennial Man. So what can I say that's a good span of some 35 years or more.    Robin Williams is BIG to me.  That BIG.  BIG BIG.  It feels like a  generation is passing and approaching closure.  I dread this by the day.  People of my time ... just like sands in my hands.

How I wished he didn't have to leave us that way.  But who am I to judge.  Everyone else is a stranger. Even our closest kith or kin.  Our own selves even.  I would like to marvel on the laughter he brought me as a young child, how he touched me with his sincerity in more serious, complex roles as an artist in my adult years, and "reading" about his kindness, and sweetness and generosity as a private individual.   Snippets of my personal tribute to him in my Facebook, i wrote, One day you will be a memory, let it be a good one. Like a Robin (Williams).   That's how I want to remember him, the middle parts, not the ending.

Go in peace our sweet and beautiful Robin.  Thank you for sharing your life with us.




***
A Post Mortem


Much have been said about depression and suicide.  There were one too many postings in Facebook alone on how magnanimous and miniscule, real and surreal,  depression and suicide is, like carrot and stick.  As I write this, I feel that it is my responsibility to clear the air, in my own little way.  I don't offer a solution, but an after thought.

That kind of depression is a medical condition, thus, it needs medical attention, a qualified medical attention that is.  Sadness is not depression.  Nor too much sorrow.   You make a river out of your tears, create monsters in your heads, chase your own ghosts, get angry with God, get human.  They do not equate haphazardly to a depression that can lead to suicide.    You are not to say what is depression or not, unless you are a doctor, a psychiatrist at that.

Many times we either under estimate or over think about this matter.  Given the gray areas and the thin line, let it be that we base our judgment on qualified information, not emotions;  on facts, not poetry.

It is irresponsible for many of us to cast judgment on people who've attempted and successfully taken their own lives when we have not clearly understood the be-all and end-all of what they went/going through, emotionally, mentally and physically.

It is dangerous to families who may have loved ones suffering from this illness called depression, and the advice shouted out in a social network as viral as Facebook, is God.   I will not go there, that far and drag spirituality on this issue.

Our loved ones and friends who are SICK with manic depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, what have you, there is genetics involved, there is chemical imbalance, they are SICK, they need proper management  --- psychotherapy and medication.  Only after we fully understood this condition and its consequences based on qualified information, (not emotions);  on facts, (not poetry), then we are able to make informed decisions without prejudice and bigotry.  This is the supplication we bring to God's attention.

Lastly, to those who are "well", let us show some dignity by showing some respect to those who suffered from depression, and to those who took their own lives as a result of it.

My piece/peace.

Finding her niche

The middle class syndrome.  The lack of enterprising spirit. A full embrace of employment.  Brain drains.  Pension money.  Retirement uncertainties.  I was raised in that generation.  The height of comfort zones.  

My time is modern day parenting.  There is technology, system and best practices, re-engineering,  more openness, more independence, less of spoon feeding, but none of those sugar coated spoons.  I am not a tiger mom but I practice tough love.

My moral authority kinda falls short in areas of fiscal management J. I was born extravagant, and I actually sincerely plan to die fashionably with it.  I’m a bad example with money but my gifts are different, my skill sets, too.  God perfectly knows how to temper my shortcomings. I yield.

And just may be what she lacks in some other things (from a parent's point of view), this may be her place under the sun, where she commensurates or may be reach much greater heights.

This mom proudly shares the fruit of her daughter's labor. Sophie’sown bank account from her online gig, Sophie Enchanted. 

WATCH OUT SOON:  Some make-up brands from the US ;-) ... Mom's actually trying on her first box by September 11, of primers and glitters.

jusz gettin a lil obsessed with my brows.  splurgin' on colors, highlights, mascara and visits to  upscale brow bar.  This base will somehow help set the drama ;)

about 2 decades ago, i thought Mac had that tiny pink mascara you can actually use to accentuate the tippest of your lashes.  i was desperate in Rustan's, and it was frustrating.  Panyong and I we were trying to date (LOL trying to date haha), and so I wanted to show off.  I settled for a fiercely red Mac lippy instead.  oh well Panyong and I went pfffttt  ... and I still insist to get something purple and shimmering right at the edge of my lashes. 

Storm Surge

This is all about her.  Before, during and after.  Glenda.

The week started with a job offer :)  And why not, my career is one place where I'm keeping all entry points open. Going back is not bad.  Thanks to my anakish Jhona (my daughter with Mark Dresden lol), Noli (who i partied hard with CITEM younger days hehe), and to Marcial B. and Gerry C.* (for a fruitful meeting).
Hard to match but it's always been not all about money to me.  Let's see now where this one goes ...

The work week ended with another job offer from a British company for a hefty sum, a car plan, relocation, etc etc bloody hell that offer was attractive and and ...  guess where, 'Gapo my old love.   My besties and I we always say that we will all go back to Gapo and live our retirement days in our hometown --- so dear to us that we all even want to be buried there haha.  That was the plan until I decided to just come and visit them from time to time.  Olongapo City is such a small place to live in, people are connected with each other one way or another.    I know, I go back there, I come closer to truths ... painful ones.   I don't want my old age to suffer like my mid life.  Doors shut, windows, too.  And my answer was No.  :(

In between, my flights got cancelled for the second time.  I'm getting OC with my projects.  I really want to fly to Leyte and get things done.   Plus of course I sorta miss my expensive hotel hehe and books and hot chocolate at Libro :)

In a spread of 5 days, got my therapy working like tomorrow would be zombie apocalypse lol!  Not even a storm surge can get in my way.  ;-)

That's our pink Mademoiselle (Soph and mom sharing on one pair but will get blue, too. ;-)

colourful lingeries are fun ;-) ... and crayons, too.  Am wearin' them tomorrow for office.  La la la la

hottttt my new little black tee --- damn i luv low backs! (the other one's a stolen shot by my photographer :) while am textin minus my glasses hahaha layo ng hawak sa CP hehe ... hindi man lang inayos likod ko grrrrr --- my butterfly's sneakin'  and and and my undie, too kainezzzz) 

The night before her, I had to rush myself talking to friends, confirming orders, talking to clients, watching Goal of the Dead (in French hayyy),  and trying my webcam after a major major reformat :(.  Not grainy anymore but I look duskier and I love it.    Rainy days suit me, I love (really really) cold weather and my airconditioning's all up so I gotta be wearin my bedroom socks, my warmers and mittens while I smell light sesame from mah ol' time beauty fave, Neutrogena Body Oil --- it's a sensual moisturizer (they say) and then there was me in front of this silly dusty (used  to be sinful) webcam and that fucking bed weather!  I was damned!  

a bad case of too much time and got nothin to do but wait for Glenda!

The eye of the storm was in Cavite so by Wednesday, 3AM the wind was all over my roof blowing like it was in horror movies :)).  An hour later, lights off in Luzon :(.  For the next 24+ hours, I struggled from a dwindling signal from Sun and Globe, and the annoying threat of mobile phones with dead batteries.  For almost a day my junkie life was cut off from outside world ---no radio, no TV, no scary films neither from DVD nor streaming arrgghhh and above all no internet.  So what was left to do but coffee and Cheryl Strayed. --- --- ---

--- amidst strong winds, heavy rains and the threat of pitch black later in the night, a letter of confusion and denials from Need Direction, and this unsweetened, unforgiving reply from Dear Sugar --- reverberated in my head like thunder --- i quote, "There are so many things to be tortured about, sweet pea.  So many torturous things in this life.  Don't let a man who doesn't love you be one of them."  unquote

('must say, I had nuff Sugar for the day.)

May, did April trigger?  I won but so what?  Nothing's changed.  And that memory, yeah that one, that still hurts.  That aint cool.

Random.  That's what it was, that what it is, that's what it will be ... As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end.  Amen.

.

*Gerry C. was Bok Wenggay's batchmate UP days

Credits:  Thanks much to Eazy for the earrings, beautyshopph.happy.ph for my NYX Jumbo eye pencil in Milk, Metro for my ELF eyebrow lifter and filler, Wen and Tash for my brassieres , percynpippin for that little black shirt and to SCMerza, my creative director for the "labas panty" photoshoot hump.