(s)Mothering

t'was mother's day.  my daughter bought me "i love you, mom" doughtnuts.  her little cousin steph was so hungry,  and they were so cute (and edible).   so irresistible for a 7 year old. :)

and then, she made this ...  an altar for mom. :)

... and me the orphan :( ... another Mother's day without mama.  Seasons like this, the vacuum is heightened.  The void colder.  And that pit, deeper and darker.  A empty space in your heart that's only meant for mothers.

This one I made for mama knowing she super adores her  one and only apo.  My mother kept this on her  cabinet until the day of her passing.  It now belongs to Sophie, my daughter,  an heirloom from Lola Miles.

*** and timely, a few days before this special day, me and Tesang, as another friend seriously contemplates on divorce, briefly, on separation and children and it brought me back to that time ...

Marites Biteranta Windsor ...(did you get my last PM? I'm sure you got your hands full again with your sweeties ... niweyz ... you know the many ishtupid things your friend did for love ... so I researched LOL and I read ... and read ... and read ... I thought for better understanding (but that was just an excuse) rather I wanted affirmation of what I already know was the right thing to do as I have decided in the past and still is now. I questioned my own uprightness! So ironic, to need approval for what is right. Shame on me! Her name was Nora, from Egypt, and this was his* answer to her:  "Later, as adult children of parents who were separated, they can draw on a model that says you don't have to go down with a sinking ship. Their parents didn't unravel the family by separating. Rather, they separated because the family had already unraveled. Would you want your daughter or son to stay in a chronically unhappy marriage? Then be careful what you model. I would say try to be happy yourself. Kids should be happy and feel secured with the happy parents. I hope you find a way to be happy, married or divorced. So should you stay together for the kids? It depends on how high-conflict your marriage is, how unhappy you are, and whether or not you can fix these things. Being happy is the best thing you could do for your kids." *Neill Squared ***Sharing this for its truest worth. :)

but I am Katherine Kavanagh

I bought it a day before our “field trip” back to our little town. 

Our “little town” … lumaboy kame tulad lang date.   Except that we can actually overspend  now LOL … more drop-dead booze to  devour …  and what may be more, lingering, fierceful baggage from  separations, divorces,  dysfunctional living arrangements,  midlife heartbreaks, unfaithfulness, homosexuality,  too much sex or the lack of it LOL, unemployment or under employment, the anxieties of raising teenage girls ,  sickness, painful death etc etc.  We actually planned to crying our lungs out, exasperate our tear ducts til no more to shed, make our eardrums explode and crystallize,  but  for some God-given circumstances the comfort  of old friends up against the backdrop of  our once young peaceful, baggage-less lives  in that little sleepy old town  …  there was only room for nostalgia  but never for tears.    Back in the sweet loving arms of Dognuts , we forget (no matter how momentary)    the many, lingering, fierceful baggage each of us carry.  Sunday birthday you know what happened 21^st of April …

I actually started scanning shortly after coming home from the quick weekend respite .  Giving in to Ms. Stillwell’s prodding …  I willingly entered the world of “fucked ups” …  not too strange grounds for me, ‘must say ;) … Finding Erika Leonard  too upfront and vivid  ;)  but other than Helen  Fielding, E.L.’s brit humor was a relief from the usually cold, misunderstood (ol’) English banter :)

And I've have always been verbose … I stretch my vocabulary without limitations (not because I never heard  of them  but because of its “blitzkrieg” meaning  … in less than two weeks of virtual sex  (thanks to you GreySteele™)  …  my favorite words from the first Fifty ;)

gazing beneath the lashes

i  go crimson

crying over the loss of something I never had.    dashed hopes, dashed dreams and soured expectations

tendrils

climax  …splinter into a million pieces … shatter again in tiny fragments

just-fucked hair

inner goddess

vanilla sex

chocolate fudge brownie sex

paradigm shift

coming here to fuck me that’s all

fifty shades of fucked up

perhaps if he was more normal he wouldn’t want you

7 shades of scarlet from his heat

you  are an adult – you have choices.

rules schmules
IHOP
nocturnal confessions
Laters, baby ;)

elevator ;)

So I was right, I’d finish it before May ends.  Today on the way home.  It’s done.  So must really go to National Bookstore tomorrow, segue from my daughter’s enrolment, and get the darker shade ;) …. Arrgghhhh but I had too much shopping already for the last 24 hours.  That little black (dirteehhh demmet dancin’) dress (off-shoulder babyyyy) … and a pair of deep dark blue slippies with striped stilettos  … that’s jusz too much splurgin’ a mother can do to pamper herself … and so tomorrow am buyin’ the next fifty.  My budget’s doomed!

sweet birthday kisses --- Hail two bulls!

Love's still.

Happy and 44!

a birthday wish

after an overnight ingress at Centrepoint, and some 3AM paperworks @ home, i dressed to the nines and was off to work by 9 AM, Tuesday, late morn.  ang ganda ko lang talaga kanina :) ... i have this thing going with shirt dresses lately ... over my  ever reliable black flare pants, my nasty and red wedge.  So that's me and my power get up ... and today I was wearin my favorite stuff ... the scent of bubblegum on my summer skin ... my eyes generously queued and the right amount of colorless mascara on my little lashes, the strength of strawberry red on my lips, a couple of pearls, onyx and rosary-white beads to pimp my outfit.   it's my 4th day, i bleed like i was ran over by a firetruck, the tigress was out for a growl!

May 7.  This is the theme of the day.   44 summers away

love's still.

IamFrida

You have to be strong enough to handle  square pegs.

"Leaving is not enough. You must stay gone. Train your heart like a dog. Change the locks even on the house he's never visited. You lucky, lucky girl. You have an apartment just your size. A bathtub full of tea. A heart the size of Arizona, but not nearly so arid. Don't wish away your cracked past, your crooked toes, your problems are papier mache puppets you made or bought because the vendor at the market was so compelling you just had to have them. You had to have him. And you did. And now you pull down the bridge between your houses, you make him call before he visits, you take a lover for granted, you take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. Make the first bottle you consume in this place a relic. Place it on whatever altar you fashion with a knife and five cranberries. Don't lose too much weight. Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge. And you are not stupid. You loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. Heart like a four-poster bed. Heart like a canvas. Heart leaking something so strong they can smell it in the street."

(sometimes) Philippine media SUCKS!

I went to the dining table to get champorado and pandesal (go carbs go!  Hahah jusko pig out Sunday talaga ito LOL).  The maid was watching Pinky Webb’s interview of Rep. Sonny Angara of course  about the latter’s candidacy , etc etc … then Ms. Webb   said … with confidence … with conviction … neither batting an eyelash … nor flippin' her goddam hair,  without any second, third, or fourth thoughts … no buckling … no dropping jaws  ... not a single trace of confusion  (just in case she was getting it from a teleprompter --- which I bet, she was) … so I quote (not verbatim though), “… bigatin endorsers nyo po …” … so me and my champorado had to wait  as this glutton had to hear the names of the big shot endorsers  straight from this “broadcast journalist”  pinky freakin webb.

I was hoping,  the big league would include the Monsod couple (Winnie and Christian or may be Toby, their daughter), former chief justice Hilario Davide, one of the country's most loved and respected solon, Jovito Salonga or may be on those honest cabbie drivers, SM Megamall's  very helful security staff,  or that MMDA guy who got publicly humiliated  for  doing his job, 2013’s bar topnotcher, Ramon Magsaysay HS’s class valedictorian, some industrialist or technocrat from Makati Business Club or the Philippine Chamber, a migrant worker who has been steadily supporting his family and our economy through  his valued remittances, a retired teacher from some remote province …. Andame naman kasi … big wigs eh, I thought it was about  reputation and credibility .

“bigatin endorsers nyo po sir … coco martin … sarah Geronimo … julia montes!”   (and who the fuck is that julia montes????)

I have very little … miniscule actually … actually microscopic … respect to this pretty face pinky.  The few times I have watched her interviews, her analyses and commentaries, even her punch lines in between takes or may be some “breathing moments” during takes … she is so shallow and lacks the sincerity to make an effective statement (popular or contrary).  Am sure that was scripted.  That wasn’t adlib for God’ sake.  Even Jessica Soho reads her script while her hair is being done.  While it is fed may be by a struggling nameless equally shallow research team … no one can force you to degrade yourself on national TV (pucha I wont make that silly statement not even in the drinking  table) … by carelessly "bobo"ly  give that run down knowing that as a broadcast journalist whatever you say and do especially in national television ... Yes, does,   --- affect how the viewing public would form their opinion --- and  especially during this critical time  …. eleksyon!

This is so elementary … does it have to be spelled out … media’s responsibility in educating a nation?  Especially with an electorate  with very limited understanding, very little commitment (if not mundane or none at all) towards nation building.

My maid was watching and a registered voter eh maka coco martin eh di kilig na kilig.  So now I have to make some explaining to her.  Damn!  There goes my blog time and champorado moments!

I bet Gabriela Silang was turning in her grave.  That woman of that stature, education, wealth, opportunity, thus, power was such a pinkie.

So to me, this news reader  will always be a starlet in news and public affairs.  If i were her, mag aartista na lang akio.  42 plang sya, pwede pa sa mother  cougar roles LOL

Muntik ng maapetukhan disposition ko sa champorado ko dahil sa interview na ito.  BUti na lang at hindi naman.  LOL  Salamat kay  Bok Rowena P. Ebriega sa very entertaining chat .. she actually saved my Sunday (and my champorado  moments) after a glimpse of that crappy interview.

***(seriously ... I just turned 43, my circle of influence may be limited, I am proud to say I'm doing my part to the best that I can ... I still dream for this country to shape up, for my daughter's sake, and my daughter's children, and my daughter's children's children ... "election" is that chance to start that change.  Media and education are instrumental to support that change.  Am not gonna sit down and put up with this crap  ... I'm sending this out ...  and to ABS CBN! :) )

***eto nag dahilan why my UP education was aborted at kung bakit na bartolina ako sa 'Gapo hora horada ng nanay ko. :)  I respect my mother's wisdom.  Because of her, I'm still making myself useful.

the effects of rain on me

Got busy reading blogs … 
Showin off some (literary) skin … 
I wrote and posted faithless @ blender
Kirk the blendahman, shared a piece from Fridah Kahlo.
Which led me to Marty McConnell and a collection of such lovely powerful fearless words.

Then I made a wish and got it. Rain started to fall late this afternoon. So in between my obsessive reading and excessive pinning :)) … I discovered the quilts of Susan Shie, the freshness of a young Ana Guerrero’s art ... and then I got a little curious and daring and crossed lines of a sinner’s almanac who speaks about venomous honey ;) of crooked paths and lonely nightingales, and a similarly inquisitive old soul, Jen Chandler finding inspiration from the rain, i was thinking she may be coming out from something … and this Lipi girl trying to convince me on enduring tedious relentless unpredictable long silly waits … dreams reincarnate, oh no they don’t! LOL …

And from last night ...

I remember Steele and her intoxication of chilled margarita and that achromatic color of cloud-covered sky and ash of lead. She got horribly tipsy (tipsy … sounds cute ;) )… ran into the loo. And called Grey. Fuck drunk dials!

(this witch is tellin you, this flu is curable. Delete the numbers from your cp. And from your head. (then you are free to get drunk any time of day, without waking up the next morning with all the shame and the remorse, the disdain and regrets of pushing those buttons and making that ishtupid phone call that rang forever.)



*Postscript

and and ... the music of this 19 year old song writer from Minnesota ... http://johnmarknelson.bandcamp.com/track/rain-comes-down ... all these for a Saturday ... I must say I have been quite productive LOL ... so tonight ... scary movie marathon naman harhar. I am a bum mom! LOL