Still

My dear Phiayaya's and Rommel's wedding, June 2011.  There's my Dee, all smiles, with my anakish Mykee, a certified camwhore.  :)

Clearly, clearly I remember ...

My sweet Phia's and Omeng's wedding. Each time, it reminds me of ...

My lavander gown was expensive. The makeover session was intricate and expensive, too.  Thanks to Dee and Mommy Rose for taking me in with overwhelming enthusiasm.

Emotions were too much, just too much love going on, coming around ...  

The weather was cloudy.  The streets rippled.  It was going to be stormy ...  yet all of my closest of friends wore the sunniest disposition as I was.  Dee's smile was the sweetest.  Neng's embrace was so assuring.  I was in cloud 9.  It was such a perfect afternoon.  The best time for a wedding.

On my way to the Roldans, I got an overseas text message, telling me how much I’ve been missed. 

***

I was cruising Roxas Blvd. this morning on my way to UP Manila.  Passing by my much loved CITEM over a wide Thursday morning skies.  I remember only beautiful memories.  Just purely happy thoughts … knowing that I’m keeping old friendships, my silent and “star studded” accomplishments and contributions,  a recollection of a successful transition as a small town yuppie steadily moving up the corporate ladder, a suitcase of travelogues.  So I’ve got my name, in rough diamonds, etched in one of those halls.  My inner goddess getting a round of applause from the witches, and bitches and my par excellence ITSED Team.  Peace is so comforting.

I see Golden Shell’s rooftop.  And feel no grudges.  I left as planned  and stayed away on purpose.  Twasn’t a mean feat. It was a milestone considering my steady history of keeping, nurturing, anchoring lifelong relationships with friends their families, classmates, schoolmates, officemates, even exes and their families, too.  May be not the best, all the time, but I’m generally regarded really well, 'must say.  I deserve some credit for that :)

But then again.  I’ve made difficult decisions in life.  Leaving, staying away and keeping it just as that are one of those really hard ones I made ( I really hope I stop making them as options J ). 

Mark, yeah Mark, that Mark ...  was right when he said how hard it was to re-boot me after I shut down.  But what better choice do I have … all files corrupted, the systems gotta go.

Why restore when you can have a new lease on life.

The shut down only hurts in the beginning.  Don’t we all get used to something each time.  It breaks us, but doesn’t kill us.  The pain changes us but we don’t actually die from it.     It only hurts for as long as it hurts.  Then it makes a full stop.  Only God knows when.  But it ends.  I swear to that. 

***

Death is always a first time.

The memories of my dear Phia’s afternoon wedding.  The sleepless, happiest weekend before that.   My intoxication from love.   My reckless imprudence.  The price it cost me.  It wrenched my soul.   My baddest heart break, it was.  My second serving of mean feat.

I still couldn’t help but ask, whatever happened to all that love?

Everyone thought, but they're all wrong ... I'm not saying ... everything inside me is gone.
I have may be some years left.  I'm going down with this.  When everything else is rosy, but this one, I guess, I'm bringing this with me.

I haven’t forgiven myself.   I still hurt.   I love you still.   You just don’t know.