Life ain't Disney

Last Wednesday night I went back to my Facebook account, it still is a place where I keep all my photos. I might try cloud computing one of these days but I guess I’m still too weak and sick to explore that.

She had been whimpering for us to sit down for beer or (then) coffee since last year before Christmas.  But it was a busy season for many of us.  We had to re-sked indefinitely but hopefully soon.  It sounded urgent, but I didn’t see that.  The family photos were all pretty so I was an unsuspecting viewer too fast to click Like. :-(

Two nights ago, while online at FB, she buzzed me a message, to check on her nanay, she knew I was in the hospital on a new year, and  for some selfish reasons :-) she said she is gonna pray for my fast recovery, it is really important that we meet ASAP. “Behind the family pictures …”, those were her words, still reverberating inside my head.

My young friend needs me, too bad I’m still sick.  I promised her that I would see our company doctor the next day, I will put all my wits and will together to recuperate, hopefully push our much needed rendezvous by Friday this week.  Some things just couldn’t wait.  I told her to hang on a little bit longer, anyways, Friday night is just around the corner.   

But then, I didn’t know my condition was gonna get worse overnight.  The following morning I was in the hospital again for pneumonia.  And today, for the second day, exactly 9 nine days from the new year, I called in sick :( again.

I haven’t told her yet, may be later, may be the 14^th is a better date, that’s 5 days from now, and I see myself fully recovered and feeling better than awesome.  The Pope is coming so there will be an outpour of goodwill, and grace, and blessings.  Amen :).

Having said that, can I just say, that’s one of the reasons why I grew tired of Facebook. 

I don’t mind the public display of affection.  I’m Taurus, I’m like that, too.  I don’t mind showing off my affection to people  I sincerely care about.  So other people who does  PDA or professes mutual love and admiration to each other, online offline  doesn’t bother me.  I’m okay with dirty, honest dirty lol.    I’m 45 years old this year, I can live with that lol.

But what we intentionally show in public, I hope it’s not because we only want to show it off.  For the heck of it.  Because it’s a trend, it’s a fad.  Because I’m jealous of my neighbors albums, my sibings’ shout outs.  Or because it’s Christmas, there’s gotta be  something under the tree or may be a kissing photo under the mistletoe.  Oh, I know a lot of that kind in Facebook and I am saddened that another good friend is in that same predicament as my other good friends, my best friends for life, and yes even some  of my own family.

I was in the same black hole before.  After I discovered all the lies.  After that very courageous vanishing act.  After coming to terms with myself and what it was just all about.  I managed a hook up and I posted it all over Facebook … in my timeline, in my relationship status, profile picture, cover photo. Albums etc etc.  I was an angry woman with an opportunity.  Somebody hurt me.  And somebody was there, and I kinda liked him, too.  So there …

I wanted to show off to that person who broke my heart, that, I can easily replace him.  You know at 41, I did not have to run after anybody, I got pursued.  I got offers.  So an angry woman with an opportunity has gotta to do what she’s gotta do with an opportunity like that :). 

That was silly, I may be dead tomorrow, and Joel wouldn’t care.  And the whole idea of showing off and getting even was epic failure.  LOL.  But know what, Willy and I, we lasted 4 months.  Sex was OK, better than nothing :) … but ours was best, with Joel  because I love him, and I thought he did, too.  The best sex is always with someone you love. It's true.  :) 

I broke off with Willy to make things right, with my broken little self.  So probably that was the closest I got to bragging about something that I’m not really proud of.  I used somebody to hurt somebody, and showed it off in Facebook hoping it will make myself feel better.  All this circus, it wasn’t a good thing to do.  You can call me anything, but I know inside my hurting self,  there’s a good, honest woman there, responsible enough to make things nice. :)

Facebook has become a place to cultivate hurt, pride, dishonesty, insincerity, unfaithfulness, lies, promiscuity.  Some people there roam around Facebook for hook ups and free cyber sex.  Sad but true.

I miss those Facebook days, when it’s much simpler and peaceful when my network was limited to my high school besties, and CITEM and my family.  There was no venue to flirt, no reason to brag.  I was having this thing with Mark, and he’s from CITEM. Chaotic but manageable.  And it was 5 years of that.  With Mark.

Sabi ni Willy, “we’re stuck in this”.  I agree, for I am, too, we all are. But we can still make things worth while.  Honesty and sincerity are of highest order.  It’s not easy.  But you can pull it through if you will, too.  While  it takes nothing to be dishonest and insincere, it takes lot of courage and dignity to be truthful and profound.  That's why genuine love is rare.  It requires the best from us.  And "best" ain't easy.  So then  thats when we settle with less than true love.  Like free legal sex on a piece of paper.    

What my marriage has become is not something I’m proud of.  I’m not gonna rub salt into it, I’m not gonna lick into it either.  My family, my friends, my daughter and her father they know better.  Jhun and I we gave them the real picture.  I do not have to show off my certainty, especially if only to prove a point.  And I definitely would not brag about something I do not have.  What would that make out of me, I come face to face with the truth, alone in my bed every night.  You can lie to the world but not to yourself. I don't want to wake up everyday with a double dose of sadness from "a life I'm stuck with"  and from living a lie.  That's double whammy, baby!   

It’s true, many of us we are stuck with a life, we either like or not, let’s not make it worse by pretending that we live in  a perfect world.  OK is a simple statement, like true love, human beings have perfectly degraded these beautiful powerful feelings in the most mediocre ways imaginable.

Each time we make choices, we give up something.  Sadly, even some things important to us, things we actually want to have, things worth having than the ones we chose to keep … I mean the life we’re stuck with now.  

I'd like to believe that there is still chivalry in this world somewhere, in small bits and pieces of us and our calloused beings wrapped around in pretty ribbons of our superficial lives ... so let it be that, “Whatever choice we make, let it come from our hearts.” 

My dear Phia, I know somehow, we can still do that.  Nanay will see you really soon my sweetie. Hang on.

Dresden's Jenny writes of Dresden

making this really really quick ...

had a bad dream Thursday night.  i hope you and your brother are A-Okay, same goes to your entire fam.

supertitions have no reason for pragmatics like me.  but based on record, they usually appear in my dreams.  for somebody who doesnt dream that much.  for somebody who manipulates even her own dreams ha ha.

I dream.  Yes, I do.  And each time, something's there.  id be in church tomorrow morning, ill say a pray'r for you and the entire family :)

Must be your birthday coming through next month. I still have your number ... somewhere, in between notes, may be buried deep down YM, I can always ask CITEM peeps if i wanna make sure Im gonna dial the right one.  Who knows, I can drop you something like, "Happy birthday, Marky!" ....

... then my thought balloon blinking like your Irma's Bar ...

so last night, that dream and your memory got me playing your song again, from Marked files ...  I was really such a Jenny, huh.  But we both moved on alright ... I hope you are a better boyfriend now to your girlfriend (Wenggay says dont bore her even more arrghhh) ... and and me, I love someone else now (even when its from a distance. even when its not mutual. i can live with that.  i guess).

Still

My dear Phiayaya's and Rommel's wedding, June 2011.  There's my Dee, all smiles, with my anakish Mykee, a certified camwhore.  :)

Clearly, clearly I remember ...

My sweet Phia's and Omeng's wedding. Each time, it reminds me of ...

My lavander gown was expensive. The makeover session was intricate and expensive, too.  Thanks to Dee and Mommy Rose for taking me in with overwhelming enthusiasm.

Emotions were too much, just too much love going on, coming around ...  

The weather was cloudy.  The streets rippled.  It was going to be stormy ...  yet all of my closest of friends wore the sunniest disposition as I was.  Dee's smile was the sweetest.  Neng's embrace was so assuring.  I was in cloud 9.  It was such a perfect afternoon.  The best time for a wedding.

On my way to the Roldans, I got an overseas text message, telling me how much I’ve been missed. 

***

I was cruising Roxas Blvd. this morning on my way to UP Manila.  Passing by my much loved CITEM over a wide Thursday morning skies.  I remember only beautiful memories.  Just purely happy thoughts … knowing that I’m keeping old friendships, my silent and “star studded” accomplishments and contributions,  a recollection of a successful transition as a small town yuppie steadily moving up the corporate ladder, a suitcase of travelogues.  So I’ve got my name, in rough diamonds, etched in one of those halls.  My inner goddess getting a round of applause from the witches, and bitches and my par excellence ITSED Team.  Peace is so comforting.

I see Golden Shell’s rooftop.  And feel no grudges.  I left as planned  and stayed away on purpose.  Twasn’t a mean feat. It was a milestone considering my steady history of keeping, nurturing, anchoring lifelong relationships with friends their families, classmates, schoolmates, officemates, even exes and their families, too.  May be not the best, all the time, but I’m generally regarded really well, 'must say.  I deserve some credit for that :)

But then again.  I’ve made difficult decisions in life.  Leaving, staying away and keeping it just as that are one of those really hard ones I made ( I really hope I stop making them as options J ). 

Mark, yeah Mark, that Mark ...  was right when he said how hard it was to re-boot me after I shut down.  But what better choice do I have … all files corrupted, the systems gotta go.

Why restore when you can have a new lease on life.

The shut down only hurts in the beginning.  Don’t we all get used to something each time.  It breaks us, but doesn’t kill us.  The pain changes us but we don’t actually die from it.     It only hurts for as long as it hurts.  Then it makes a full stop.  Only God knows when.  But it ends.  I swear to that. 

***

Death is always a first time.

The memories of my dear Phia’s afternoon wedding.  The sleepless, happiest weekend before that.   My intoxication from love.   My reckless imprudence.  The price it cost me.  It wrenched my soul.   My baddest heart break, it was.  My second serving of mean feat.

I still couldn’t help but ask, whatever happened to all that love?

Everyone thought, but they're all wrong ... I'm not saying ... everything inside me is gone.
I have may be some years left.  I'm going down with this.  When everything else is rosy, but this one, I guess, I'm bringing this with me.

I haven’t forgiven myself.   I still hurt.   I love you still.   You just don’t know.