Life ain't Disney

Last Wednesday night I went back to my Facebook account, it still is a place where I keep all my photos. I might try cloud computing one of these days but I guess I’m still too weak and sick to explore that.

She had been whimpering for us to sit down for beer or (then) coffee since last year before Christmas.  But it was a busy season for many of us.  We had to re-sked indefinitely but hopefully soon.  It sounded urgent, but I didn’t see that.  The family photos were all pretty so I was an unsuspecting viewer too fast to click Like. :-(

Two nights ago, while online at FB, she buzzed me a message, to check on her nanay, she knew I was in the hospital on a new year, and  for some selfish reasons :-) she said she is gonna pray for my fast recovery, it is really important that we meet ASAP. “Behind the family pictures …”, those were her words, still reverberating inside my head.

My young friend needs me, too bad I’m still sick.  I promised her that I would see our company doctor the next day, I will put all my wits and will together to recuperate, hopefully push our much needed rendezvous by Friday this week.  Some things just couldn’t wait.  I told her to hang on a little bit longer, anyways, Friday night is just around the corner.   

But then, I didn’t know my condition was gonna get worse overnight.  The following morning I was in the hospital again for pneumonia.  And today, for the second day, exactly 9 nine days from the new year, I called in sick :( again.

I haven’t told her yet, may be later, may be the 14^th is a better date, that’s 5 days from now, and I see myself fully recovered and feeling better than awesome.  The Pope is coming so there will be an outpour of goodwill, and grace, and blessings.  Amen :).

Having said that, can I just say, that’s one of the reasons why I grew tired of Facebook. 

I don’t mind the public display of affection.  I’m Taurus, I’m like that, too.  I don’t mind showing off my affection to people  I sincerely care about.  So other people who does  PDA or professes mutual love and admiration to each other, online offline  doesn’t bother me.  I’m okay with dirty, honest dirty lol.    I’m 45 years old this year, I can live with that lol.

But what we intentionally show in public, I hope it’s not because we only want to show it off.  For the heck of it.  Because it’s a trend, it’s a fad.  Because I’m jealous of my neighbors albums, my sibings’ shout outs.  Or because it’s Christmas, there’s gotta be  something under the tree or may be a kissing photo under the mistletoe.  Oh, I know a lot of that kind in Facebook and I am saddened that another good friend is in that same predicament as my other good friends, my best friends for life, and yes even some  of my own family.

I was in the same black hole before.  After I discovered all the lies.  After that very courageous vanishing act.  After coming to terms with myself and what it was just all about.  I managed a hook up and I posted it all over Facebook … in my timeline, in my relationship status, profile picture, cover photo. Albums etc etc.  I was an angry woman with an opportunity.  Somebody hurt me.  And somebody was there, and I kinda liked him, too.  So there …

I wanted to show off to that person who broke my heart, that, I can easily replace him.  You know at 41, I did not have to run after anybody, I got pursued.  I got offers.  So an angry woman with an opportunity has gotta to do what she’s gotta do with an opportunity like that :). 

That was silly, I may be dead tomorrow, and Joel wouldn’t care.  And the whole idea of showing off and getting even was epic failure.  LOL.  But know what, Willy and I, we lasted 4 months.  Sex was OK, better than nothing :) … but ours was best, with Joel  because I love him, and I thought he did, too.  The best sex is always with someone you love. It's true.  :) 

I broke off with Willy to make things right, with my broken little self.  So probably that was the closest I got to bragging about something that I’m not really proud of.  I used somebody to hurt somebody, and showed it off in Facebook hoping it will make myself feel better.  All this circus, it wasn’t a good thing to do.  You can call me anything, but I know inside my hurting self,  there’s a good, honest woman there, responsible enough to make things nice. :)

Facebook has become a place to cultivate hurt, pride, dishonesty, insincerity, unfaithfulness, lies, promiscuity.  Some people there roam around Facebook for hook ups and free cyber sex.  Sad but true.

I miss those Facebook days, when it’s much simpler and peaceful when my network was limited to my high school besties, and CITEM and my family.  There was no venue to flirt, no reason to brag.  I was having this thing with Mark, and he’s from CITEM. Chaotic but manageable.  And it was 5 years of that.  With Mark.

Sabi ni Willy, “we’re stuck in this”.  I agree, for I am, too, we all are. But we can still make things worth while.  Honesty and sincerity are of highest order.  It’s not easy.  But you can pull it through if you will, too.  While  it takes nothing to be dishonest and insincere, it takes lot of courage and dignity to be truthful and profound.  That's why genuine love is rare.  It requires the best from us.  And "best" ain't easy.  So then  thats when we settle with less than true love.  Like free legal sex on a piece of paper.    

What my marriage has become is not something I’m proud of.  I’m not gonna rub salt into it, I’m not gonna lick into it either.  My family, my friends, my daughter and her father they know better.  Jhun and I we gave them the real picture.  I do not have to show off my certainty, especially if only to prove a point.  And I definitely would not brag about something I do not have.  What would that make out of me, I come face to face with the truth, alone in my bed every night.  You can lie to the world but not to yourself. I don't want to wake up everyday with a double dose of sadness from "a life I'm stuck with"  and from living a lie.  That's double whammy, baby!   

It’s true, many of us we are stuck with a life, we either like or not, let’s not make it worse by pretending that we live in  a perfect world.  OK is a simple statement, like true love, human beings have perfectly degraded these beautiful powerful feelings in the most mediocre ways imaginable.

Each time we make choices, we give up something.  Sadly, even some things important to us, things we actually want to have, things worth having than the ones we chose to keep … I mean the life we’re stuck with now.  

I'd like to believe that there is still chivalry in this world somewhere, in small bits and pieces of us and our calloused beings wrapped around in pretty ribbons of our superficial lives ... so let it be that, “Whatever choice we make, let it come from our hearts.” 

My dear Phia, I know somehow, we can still do that.  Nanay will see you really soon my sweetie. Hang on.

Playground

1) Profile, on and off.   First online sighting.
2)  Destine's Will.  First mention of social/civil status.  Connection noted.  Relevance --- i didn't care.
3)  Silver Jubilee, Family Day.  First offline encounter.
4)  A couple of profiles made me suspicious.
5)  Potential new playmate.

What's happening to the world.  Teachers used to be my favorite persons in the whole wide world.  My mom being a teacher herself, long before she joined the corporate world.  A couple of my besties are top of the line educators (being topnotch students themselves when we were in still school).   Teachers helped me raised my daughter.  How could I survive educating my child without them?

Then the tribe decreases.  They begun living secret lives, and secret lives revealed via social media without any shame and guilt.  Facebook for hook ups  is forgivable but i cannot stomach their consistently wrong grammar, very poor thought process, scattered brains, palengkera stunts posted as shout outs in Facebook, hilarious and hideous, I came to a point that I hid their updates from my newsfeed, unless my friend, Maryliza would invite me for some Tylenol moments lol, and would ask me to check the blackboard :-)

Number one did not catch my attention yet.  It wasn't about somebody's Profile, getting counted or not.

Until he mentioned.  That figures.  Such a remark was a little prominent.  I didn't take it well.  I will explain later.

December 2011 was flesh and blood, and way out of my league.  I always prefer to be with my friends or 4-1 at the very least.  I'm a bit discriminating.  That's my right.  I have no regrets at all with the company I chose to be with.  I'm actually  better off.  I have zero-patience to anything mediocre and put-on. Even when I'm drunk.  Especially when I'm drunk.   I am not here to please anybody.  And I'm not easy to please myself.  Actually I do not like being pleased.  Genuinely pleasant people are natural and sincere.  Effortless.  So when there is effort, makes me uncomfortable, makes me doubt.  And when I doubt, I leave.  I either give you my 100%, or none at all.  But you know, you gotta deserve the 100%.  I have to make sure of that, otherwise, it's not worth it,

So then I was right.  Several accounts tell you a story.  I admit I had 2 Facebook accounts.  The second one was due to Destine's Will's prodding.  But you see, I am one person who really cannot divide 100% of my affection to two.  I cannot serve two masters all at the same time, with fairness and equality.  In my heart, there's just one.  It's hard enough to maintain one account, how harder it could get even if have two or more.  I have the same network anyway, and they're not too big a network.  But some people I know would have more, one for their official partners, one or two for hook-ups.

Oh well, I got dumped, I've been had, I go hurt, I was angry.

But then again, I am not the one who's still in that phase.  I was going to be 42,  and I didn't want to get my hands dirty just for casual sex.  Anger is a bad excuse.  Hurt, worse.  I got dumped but so what everybody get that in a lifetime.  I'm just a number.  I left (again).

I have one apology to make. You out there, you reading this piece.  I'm so sorry Willy.

***

I've always been using my maiden name in social media, one because, I do not wish to mix up my corporate identity with my personal life.   CITEM, though,  was an exemption it has a special place in my heart.  I owe a big part (a good part) of my being to CITEM.  My CITEM family was the only thing  "business" I allowed to be part of my personal life.  Nothing else came close afterwards.  Again, I'm very discriminating.

Second, people from my past, they know me by my "name".  That straight and simple. :-) .

My choice of name gave me away.  Suddenly I was bombardized with pick-up lines. But only one line got me.  Because of my "name", my claim to fame. :-(,  I broke my heart.  And it changed me.

It was too late for me to understand the psyche behind a woman's maiden name.     So I was told that it was like becoming a cult in Facebook.  Batchmates, schoolmates, classmates, old friends and exes, hooking up.  They come home to the Philippines, minus their spouses and partners, attend reunions like it was  a  big orgy!  It was ridiculous.  It was fantastic!  Insane!  That strong desire to have sex with people other than your spouse/partner, people from your innocent past.  That was the idea.  It was too late when I heard of that story.  Too late that it did not come out as a warning but pure gossiping.  

I joined and got active in social media not to turn myself into a prostitute and peddle myself to my network.  I will respect individual differences and sexual preferences but I will neither be part of anything like that nor endorse something like that.

Even when I do not subscribe to it anymore, i  still have high regards to people who are courageous enough to want to fall in love.  I take my hats off.

 My evasion plan ... go back to my married name at least in my FB, limit my interaction outside Dognuts, and CITEM and a handful of batchmates I feel I am safe with (I hope I wasn't wrong about them).  Suddenly there was peace.  No more bothersome school boys.  No more indecent proposals

Ang lake naman nang Batch 86, ilang schools ba meron sa Gapo during my time, some old folks, married, single, separated, widowed, actually regardless of civil status, there is quite a pool of potential playmates willing enough to play games.

Cuz me, my friend, --- i'm Taurus, and a dog, and raised well by my Village ...
I played for keeps.



*The End*