Life ain't Disney

Last Wednesday night I went back to my Facebook account, it still is a place where I keep all my photos. I might try cloud computing one of these days but I guess I’m still too weak and sick to explore that.

She had been whimpering for us to sit down for beer or (then) coffee since last year before Christmas.  But it was a busy season for many of us.  We had to re-sked indefinitely but hopefully soon.  It sounded urgent, but I didn’t see that.  The family photos were all pretty so I was an unsuspecting viewer too fast to click Like. :-(

Two nights ago, while online at FB, she buzzed me a message, to check on her nanay, she knew I was in the hospital on a new year, and  for some selfish reasons :-) she said she is gonna pray for my fast recovery, it is really important that we meet ASAP. “Behind the family pictures …”, those were her words, still reverberating inside my head.

My young friend needs me, too bad I’m still sick.  I promised her that I would see our company doctor the next day, I will put all my wits and will together to recuperate, hopefully push our much needed rendezvous by Friday this week.  Some things just couldn’t wait.  I told her to hang on a little bit longer, anyways, Friday night is just around the corner.   

But then, I didn’t know my condition was gonna get worse overnight.  The following morning I was in the hospital again for pneumonia.  And today, for the second day, exactly 9 nine days from the new year, I called in sick :( again.

I haven’t told her yet, may be later, may be the 14^th is a better date, that’s 5 days from now, and I see myself fully recovered and feeling better than awesome.  The Pope is coming so there will be an outpour of goodwill, and grace, and blessings.  Amen :).

Having said that, can I just say, that’s one of the reasons why I grew tired of Facebook. 

I don’t mind the public display of affection.  I’m Taurus, I’m like that, too.  I don’t mind showing off my affection to people  I sincerely care about.  So other people who does  PDA or professes mutual love and admiration to each other, online offline  doesn’t bother me.  I’m okay with dirty, honest dirty lol.    I’m 45 years old this year, I can live with that lol.

But what we intentionally show in public, I hope it’s not because we only want to show it off.  For the heck of it.  Because it’s a trend, it’s a fad.  Because I’m jealous of my neighbors albums, my sibings’ shout outs.  Or because it’s Christmas, there’s gotta be  something under the tree or may be a kissing photo under the mistletoe.  Oh, I know a lot of that kind in Facebook and I am saddened that another good friend is in that same predicament as my other good friends, my best friends for life, and yes even some  of my own family.

I was in the same black hole before.  After I discovered all the lies.  After that very courageous vanishing act.  After coming to terms with myself and what it was just all about.  I managed a hook up and I posted it all over Facebook … in my timeline, in my relationship status, profile picture, cover photo. Albums etc etc.  I was an angry woman with an opportunity.  Somebody hurt me.  And somebody was there, and I kinda liked him, too.  So there …

I wanted to show off to that person who broke my heart, that, I can easily replace him.  You know at 41, I did not have to run after anybody, I got pursued.  I got offers.  So an angry woman with an opportunity has gotta to do what she’s gotta do with an opportunity like that :). 

That was silly, I may be dead tomorrow, and Joel wouldn’t care.  And the whole idea of showing off and getting even was epic failure.  LOL.  But know what, Willy and I, we lasted 4 months.  Sex was OK, better than nothing :) … but ours was best, with Joel  because I love him, and I thought he did, too.  The best sex is always with someone you love. It's true.  :) 

I broke off with Willy to make things right, with my broken little self.  So probably that was the closest I got to bragging about something that I’m not really proud of.  I used somebody to hurt somebody, and showed it off in Facebook hoping it will make myself feel better.  All this circus, it wasn’t a good thing to do.  You can call me anything, but I know inside my hurting self,  there’s a good, honest woman there, responsible enough to make things nice. :)

Facebook has become a place to cultivate hurt, pride, dishonesty, insincerity, unfaithfulness, lies, promiscuity.  Some people there roam around Facebook for hook ups and free cyber sex.  Sad but true.

I miss those Facebook days, when it’s much simpler and peaceful when my network was limited to my high school besties, and CITEM and my family.  There was no venue to flirt, no reason to brag.  I was having this thing with Mark, and he’s from CITEM. Chaotic but manageable.  And it was 5 years of that.  With Mark.

Sabi ni Willy, “we’re stuck in this”.  I agree, for I am, too, we all are. But we can still make things worth while.  Honesty and sincerity are of highest order.  It’s not easy.  But you can pull it through if you will, too.  While  it takes nothing to be dishonest and insincere, it takes lot of courage and dignity to be truthful and profound.  That's why genuine love is rare.  It requires the best from us.  And "best" ain't easy.  So then  thats when we settle with less than true love.  Like free legal sex on a piece of paper.    

What my marriage has become is not something I’m proud of.  I’m not gonna rub salt into it, I’m not gonna lick into it either.  My family, my friends, my daughter and her father they know better.  Jhun and I we gave them the real picture.  I do not have to show off my certainty, especially if only to prove a point.  And I definitely would not brag about something I do not have.  What would that make out of me, I come face to face with the truth, alone in my bed every night.  You can lie to the world but not to yourself. I don't want to wake up everyday with a double dose of sadness from "a life I'm stuck with"  and from living a lie.  That's double whammy, baby!   

It’s true, many of us we are stuck with a life, we either like or not, let’s not make it worse by pretending that we live in  a perfect world.  OK is a simple statement, like true love, human beings have perfectly degraded these beautiful powerful feelings in the most mediocre ways imaginable.

Each time we make choices, we give up something.  Sadly, even some things important to us, things we actually want to have, things worth having than the ones we chose to keep … I mean the life we’re stuck with now.  

I'd like to believe that there is still chivalry in this world somewhere, in small bits and pieces of us and our calloused beings wrapped around in pretty ribbons of our superficial lives ... so let it be that, “Whatever choice we make, let it come from our hearts.” 

My dear Phia, I know somehow, we can still do that.  Nanay will see you really soon my sweetie. Hang on.