46 and Thankful

#46Thanks

To those who remembered and posted, texted, vibered, called, hugged, kissed, sent their love —- good vibes ‘vryone!

Deja vu

Remembering rainy afternoons in our ancestral house in Tanza.
There was that sewing machine by the wooden jalousie window with  the right amount of light and fresh air seeping through and a good view of the green and the wilds.  
I was on Indian squat in the middle top part of our long dark wood dining table.
She was doing one of her many masterpieces --- a big, chunky quilted comforter.  With which after the final stitches I always loved to squeeze my toddler self in between them.   T'was like getting drowned in a sea of patchworks. 
Always a pensive listener.  I adored all her stories about the Japanese Occupation, Philippine folklore and her personal struggles and successes in getting her college education,  a rare feat for an Asian woman in the mid 1900s.
I was like 4 and wearing sunny yellow dress that she actually put together.
We chatted and laughed the day away.  Lola and Ebey.

It felt so real in this room ---the scent of the "after rain", the imagery of tall wild grasses from the vacant lot just beside ours, the muddy soil, the sound of noisy, happy Kabitenyo frogs.  It gives you such immense and unexplainable joy when all of sudden,  out of nowhere, you get hit by memories like this, and like feeling every part of it so genuinely, knowing in your heart it was something that already passed, but the very thought of it, frame by frame, was truly lovely.  No amount of words can describe that feeling.  I just felt it and it felt so good.  
I was actually with my dentist for another round of dental work, busy tinkering with my CPs, watching Stallone's Cliffhanger (a 1993 film, and seeing Michael Rooker, young and nice, was refreshing), and waiting for my blood pressure to go down to a normal level, (my dentist fed me bananas, arrgghhh plus or minus 10, damn, the trick did not work).

I was a few weeks short of my 46th summer.

sunshine, fresh morning dew and clothesline parang alaala ng kabataan ko sa Tanza

one day i'm gonna marry you

i wanted the truth
and i got what i wanted
i waited so long
so now i got to live with that

oh i know everything
seen all that
read em loud
to myself over and over
and over again
until i memorized all the lines
i can draw every inch of your smiles
since day 1
the day we met was the day you lied

i got you nike air she got you a shirt
she was your thanksgiving and early christmas gift
lucky clover ballroom fuck!
so now what suddenly mother's day made you wax poetry, too
you never stop lovin the One you love
you never stop hurtin the one you don't
damn' how could have i missed that

and this part i kept from you
despite of all the lies
that i left but you know, I held on
because i thought or wished or said so to myself
you did love me, too, somehow even for a little while
yes you did, or still do







i died a thousand times and you didn't even notice

one day i'm gonna marry you

i wanted the truth
and i got what i wanted
i waited so long
so now i got to live with that

oh i know everything
seen all that
read em loud
to myself over and over
and over again
until i memorized all the lines
i can draw every inch of your smiles
since day 1
the day we met was the day you lied

i got you nike air she got you a shirt
she was your thanksgiving and early christmas gift
lucky clover ballroom fuck!
so now what suddenly mother's day made you wax poetry, too
you never stop lovin the One you love
you never stop hurtin the one you don't
damn' how could have i missed that

and this part i kept from you
despite of all the lies
that i left but you know, I held on
because i thought or wished or said so to myself
you did love me, too, somehow even for a little while
yes you did, or still do







i died a thousand times and you didn't even notice

s t a y

... but ... sometimes its not always good you know, always having to start all over again ... and leaving  ... and winning over your demons.

you see, it's not easy to make new friends in midlife.  when you're grounded.  and cynical.  and proud.  and lazy.  and jaded.  so coming to a place where friendship seems impossible.  is also coming to terms with yourself ...  your chaotic lovable self.     this part makes it tricky in the beginning, and difficult towards the end.

... but ... it has been a vicious cycle for the last couple of years.  like build something with strangers.  make something out of anything.  goodbyes inevitable.  i promised to keep in touch.  but then, sometimes it's  easier to fade away than to keep a promise. or i'm just too tired.

I  got 46 summers. I can't be doing this until God knows when ... you know begin again.  after walking away.   when too much of leaving feels like a disease that makes you numb ... suddenly starting all over again becomes that incurable feeling that doesn't feel good anymore.

I'm complaining to myself.  And myself is not arguing with me.  There's such a word as "steady". There's such a a thing as caving in and settling down.  This is my new demon ...

... when a gypsy fights to mellow but always find ...

... a place to crash

Doors

8 days to go.

The good thing about leaving is knowing that you have the courage to face the unknown.  The unknown and its anonymity that is infinitely vague. Isn't it orgasmic, that bewildering  feeling of anticipation, of being in control, of not being in control.  It is an open highway, and anything can happen.   You got to make it work, and not fall flat on your face for the world to revel on what they thought was a bad idea --- that risk is only for the fools.

They may be right you know just as you may be right,too.  Then again, isn't it amazing ... to see yourself get up, take those baby steps towards another place  of delicious ambiguity and the crazybeautiful mess you can create from it.  These you always say.  

But it's too early for that.   I'm sure there are many possibilities running wild inside your head.  The craving is too strong that it's jusz too much for negative energies lurking in some dark slimy corners of little minds.   You cannot be weighed down.  It is your point of exit,  it is the same place where you begin.

You own this and everything in it.

Here's to you who is never scared of doors.

The whole nine yards

may be i'm just tired
My daughter's cultural exchange program can be very exhausting.  Given my nature, I'm very peculiar with details.  But I'm thankful for having connections who have been very helpful in planning the logistics for the California and NYC legs.
In a few weeks, I'm moving to my new office, facing new challenges.  But very eager to have coffee at Mall of Asia with good old CITEM friends.

And i'm really tired
Of invaded space that makes me  sick
Getting  in and saw no traces of me
and of blocked spaces ...last time it was 3 years, this time should be longer
Of re-confirmations of truths i already know
And lies, too ... for years i thought were untrue
Here and there are pure coincidence, I get it now.

It's only February and many things coming up way too fast, it's too overwhelming, i need to slow down.

I am very far now.