Unfreezing 101: Reading, Shaking, Dusting off

yeah, i agree. we all get lonely sometimes.

me. now. inside a cold room jusz enough for me. an angry iron bed much too big for one. imagining things in my head. they make me freeze.

a hundred thousand miles away. i've been thinking of you a great deal for the past 3 days. too strong, it was breaking me again. i boarded my plane with swollen eyes. thursday afternoon when air pocket was really really bad. i wish i could leave my hyperopic vision in Dumaguete. Somebody to bury them on white (quick) sand. i sure don't want to fly with 'em again. demmet!

it's been in my ipod for almost a year. it used to be just like anything. suddenly, i found a new meaning into it. for a little while i was frozen in imagination.*

over the years, i have learned the art of shaking myself. like boiling water poured over a slab of ice. it's easier to wake up now. a little shake. jusz like that. in a jiffy.

a neightbor. another bus passenger. a co-worker. barkada. ex. from the real world or cyber.

everyone else. but not me.

i am 41 years old next summer, at least now, I can read signs that says "dusty road".

"Dusty Road!"









*thank you naman to my friend Thelms :) ... i particularly like the "cradle waltz" story ;)

i R m A the strange ;)

http://www.facebook.com/lilladanes#!/lilladanes/posts/104938029571756

Me
my good old friend Jocelyn posted this ... I was so touched and moved by its message of a friend's devotion knowing not time and space, the here and now in this life ... and beyond ... cheers to DOGNUTS et al, Frederick A., Bengbeng, Norms, Anna
C.,Thelmz, Gigi, Abi, Bok, Ron DG, Ambet, Lolit, Dianini, Gerry Boy, Jen, Bentut, Jhona,Mykee, Nettchii, Lani, HR, Faye and Phia.


(according to appearance to .... para walang selosan. hahah. My two Frederick friends (DOGNUTS and College) and Gerry Boy do not have FB (just yet ... sana eventually magkaroon din). Technically si Princessi Dianini my FB ... poser nya nga lang hahahah .... scaryyyy. Si Betong, hindi kami magka network. He already passed when I finally decided to have an FB account so that was like late last year lang ... sya pa naman yung addict mag invite ... in fact Ambet was one of the first ones who discovered that someone opened an account for me kasi along with Rons, Anna Cando, and some DOGNUTS and cousins, Betong was consistenly sending me invites in practically all my email addies, and slightly naiinis sya kasi hindi ko daw sya ina-accept eh may FB naman daw ako.)

(ayan na naman, I wanted to save the video to my desktop ... hindi ko na naman alam how .... demmet ... sabi ko nga kay Mr. Bolero ;) hehehhe .... nakakahiya naman taga ITSED pa naman ako dati, ang tanga tanga ko sa IT booohhoooo .... at sumagot naman si Mr. Bolero ;) .... oo nga ... boss ka pa naman. PAK!)

5:30 PM nasa MRT na ako kanina. I think Kevyn Lettau got her vocal chords really really tired singing travessia over and over again. La lang ... I got really laZy shifting channels. Kanina namang umaga on the way to office, si B.O.B, Hayley and Eminem and nagka sore throat kakakanta ng "Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky Are like shooting stars I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)". I started the day lazy pushing buttons so there it got to me until I packed my bag for home this afternoon. Hell ... That was one emotional (bus) ride. I doubt if that was about the moon. My period's almost here and I think I have a problem again demmettttttttt. Or may be ... yes may be ....

My plane leaves Thursday. I am excited with Salamanca. I am thinking deep blues and yellows. Crescent moons, piXie dusts, witches' spells and black cats.

Currently sitting on my red carpet and doin' black magic. ;)

no such thing as fairy dusts

I wish this poem were pixie dust by Nicholas Gordon


I wish this poem were pixie dust
To throw into your eyes
And make you see the loveliness
Beneath my sad disguise.

And I would take you in my arms
And weave a magic spell
That I could utter anytime
To make you love me well.

But alas my simple words
Are like summer rain
That drums on hills and fields and hearts,
Then vanishes again.

And though my love might make you bloom,
You turn with fragile grace
To gaze in aching loneliness
At someone else's face.

We lust for what we cannot have,
A long, unbroken chain
Of lovers who remain unloved
And loved who love in vain.

While I'm near mad with wanting you
As trees must have the sun,
You cannot help but find a love
Who loves another one.

Life is simple.

1. A nation’s proud. And that’s Chile. Knowing how precious life is, careful decisions were made, risks, calculated, actions closed to precision, a nation (government, media, rescue units, families, citizens) behaved like how they should knowing precious lives are at stake. One wrong move, one wrong word, life crumbles. Remembering the Manila hostage-taking fiasco, a nation should be humbled. And that’s Philippines.

2. After last Monday, okay, I was wrong again. After last Monday, everything else was never the same again. Making my already rigid heart, stiffer. Tsk tsk, I don’t think there’s a cure for this. It gets worse by the day. I will die with it. (The good thing about this, is the fact, that I’m aware. And I don’t plan to put up any argument about it. Right or wrong. I am rigid. :))

3. Virgini’s bonding moments with Von Dresden :). Again, at least to people I care about, he’s somewhat nice. Isn’t that great! Though, she didn’t find his indecisiveness at work cute at all, she admitted she loved his ice cream haha and that confused little shy boy look when he lost his glasses (and found it). Salamat kay Duday! (…sana no, si Duday na lang ako ;) )

Tuesday scared me. JIT. MRT. :(

Wednesday. Richmonde memories. When I get reminded, I can’t help but smile. It could have been beautiful.

4. “Iggy’s House” is Soph’s 2nd Judy Blume cover. I got it last Thursday along with my much-needed book light from Trinoma’s Fully-Booked. Am really happy I got my daughter into reading. Such a feat


5. Sunny yellow. We brought her yellow chrysanthemum. On Wednesday (13th of October). It’s been 4 years. I wanted to cry on her grave and to tell her, how hard it has been for me without her. Carrying on all by myself. It was pretty difficult with the family, especially when I’m all alone. Sophie was with me so I couldn’t be emotional. Besides, it was one of those few times I was with my mother (and grandmother), and the reason I chose sunny yellow. I wanted a happy reunion.

I remember writing about mothers and fathers in their twilight years, and us, their kids, in our prime. Babies they used to bathe and cuddle, now taking charge. The sunset years, when they become less and less expendable. Less and less liquid. They stay home most of the time, take up hobbies their children probably would never understand. They start becoming sickly, vital organs failing. When they feel so guilty of being useless, I hope (but I failed, I must admit), I have made my aging, sickly mother realize what her usefulness was to a daughter she raised with great might and love, and later became a woman, an adult, too engrossed on how she would keep her parent alive each time she suffers a heart attack, became too focused on trying to make her life comfortable, overtaken by all these, us, their children, forget to tell them, how much we truly love and care for them, and all that we wanted was for them to have a longer lease in life, and enjoy life, until they breathe their last. That simple.

In her last years, my mother was penniless, she didn’t even live to enjoy her pension years. She was always sickly and it got worse by the day over the years, and that eventually killed her one day. It was a very imperfect situation. But I guess we … they all reach that point in our lives. But I wanted my mother, here with me, alive. I needed her for the inspiration she gave me day-to-day. My desire to wake up every morning, provide for her, bring her to the doctor, buy her maintenance meds, have some good time with Sophie, decorate the house, hang all her cross stitch works, or do a little shopping. Even all our fights, big or small. We wanted our parents to be around, no matter how much space they take up in our busylives. They inspire us , to live and come home everyday, and spend our lives with them, the few years there’s left.

I say this, for the readers, to enjoy life with parents, all gray and wrinkled. I swear, that space they are taking now will be a huge chunk of empty “nothing”, when they’re gone. And after that, there’s no better fit to take it’s part. Not your partner, not your own children, not even yourself. It’s that (now) empty space in our hearts that was just meant for mothers and fathers. It's been 4 years, and there's this hole in my heart that still aches for Mama.

I miss my mother so much. And I know that there is no cure for this kind of longing. I go to her grave each time and I feel so near to her again. Knowing I am just above her, and I know she’s happy having her only daughter around again.



me here cleaning up Mama's and Lola's marker.









6. So I had my little house all lighted up today. Christmas na sa bahay ko :). Honest, even Christmases, especially Christmases … never the same without Mama.


btw, on the right are my orange duckies chiming ;) ... on the left, Martha and Chuck celebratin' the colors ... over a gray horizon sun down.



*** oooppps that was a weird buzz, a little rough memory on the timeline but not on some personal details at least no more dirty, cheap talks this time. as i always say,nice people i treat nicely. Good job!

The Friendship Bag ~

Finding this piece was a result of my current passion for reading stories online ... Last night I posted this just before I went to bed, and shared this with all my BFFs in Facebook, with a tiny marginal note that sez "How wonderful life is because of friends."

Funny how feelings, fate, and this cyber thing come together and interface with me :) Me ... in the middle of my personal struggles with loyalty and trust (which is so huge, big, giant, strong serious building like blietzkrieg coming up, and threatening the entire mankind.) My PEP squad's re-assuring love. Jonathan and Anna missing me ... what a coincidence, these two friends of mine, same feelings at the same time ... if you know their story, you will be smiling with me now.

Now why Friendship for a brand? Why bag? What is it for a bag lady like me?

My personal concept of a bag is totally utilitarianism. I adore it for its functionality. Function is a role it assumes in my life. For that reason, I have a small cabinet full of bags, of various shapes, sizes, colors, and usefulness, too. In general, I am hardly brand conscious, but as expected, I am loyal to certain names, especially when it comes to durability and preference (certain criteria bordering to reasonable to capriciousness :) )

Ama big bag lady. Yeah, like the ones you see roaming around the alleys :) ... as my friends say, I bring my entire vanity-cum-medicine cabinet with me :). My day-to day-bag is my day-to-day survival kit, kikay or not kikay ;).

Right now you will see me around with my less-than-a-month-old Class A :) Jimmy Choo with my usual ...

1) red wallet (for all my bills, coins, cards, and Soph's baby pic)
2) cellphones, the very old, the soon to be replaced, and the uselesz cherry
4) new electric blue umbrella for the rain, my lavender fan for the humidity, my yummyy Goody™ jelly wide-toothed comb, my martel baby towel (my choiced replacement for a regular hanky)
5) that loyal pair of shades I got at Macy's in New Jersey
6) and that "getting-loyal" pair of reading glasses
7) my ITouch in a pink Japanese purse
6) some sort of Ballerina faux quilts for my USBs, card readers, chargers for my phones, ipod, basta ... all my cablings are there period!
8) Charlie Brown Peppermints
9) ... and my daily dose of aspirin
10) a two-pocket organizer bag (I got form Bench). The first half carries:
♥ my Paint Box shine control face powder which I use alternately with my
♥ Natuni loose powder on rosy glaze
♥ Shu Uemura curl lash
♥ my colorless mascara from Penshoppe
♥ an expensive Benefit cheek tints :)
♥ L'Oreal lipstick in Rosewood and Sheer Starwberry
♥ Avon's Glimmerstick in case am in the mood to flirt with my eyes :)
♥ Hygienix hand care sanitizer
♥ and a really tiny Heart Rules purse for my bobby pins, hair clips and bands which always come handy in most trying times :)

And the other half,
♥ my since-birth fave ... Johnson's baby powder
♥ Cream Silk leave-on hair conditioner (i love hair fragrance ... Any!)
♥ Garnier clarifying foam
♥ Pond's oil solution toner
♥ travel toothbrush, tongue scrapper, and toothpaste
♥ a cheap tube of hand and nail lotion
♥ Biolink fem spray ;)
♥ Holy Seat sanitizer
♥ toilet seat cleaning wipes
♥ and a really tiny pink purse for a few cotton balls :)

11) i have this unique smart rectangular make-up case where i put my
♥ wet wipes (usually Farlin's Powder Fresh or Johnson's or Nivea's)
♥ kleenex tissues and what do you know ...
♥ a pair of fresh undies ;) ... a true blooded Brownie never camps-out without it!

12) Am ADHD, so i need every possible gadget, knick-knacks, whatever, to snatch me away from possible death due to boredom ... so I always carry a book with me ... now it's Liz Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love ... currently I am in Chapter 62, 252th/445 ... when Liz was in one of those Ashram's in India. But I like the Italy chapters better. The landscape, the magnificent architecture, pasta and pizza, Italian men and women, the scent of romance and history all together. But I've got to have a favorite in India, and it must be Robert of Texas ... Groceries! hehe ... too bad he had to leave the Ashram just before Liz. .... and BTW, the book comes with a book light which I purchased last Thursday from Fully Booked), too, in case of painfully dark bus ride ;)

13) .... and ooppps .... my ever loyal scent beautifully standing in a corner of my big bag ... this gYpsy currently wearing VS Pure Seduction ;)

... you see, depending on my destination or plans for the day ... sometimes I have my pair of my comfy flip flops there, and a clean shirt in case i need to change.

Ama big bag lady. Yeah, like the ones you see roaming around the alleys :) I can live in the streets with my big bag. Everything I need and want just a zip away. Wonderful!

♥♥♥ ♥♥♥ ♥♥♥


The Friendship Bag ~ is priceless and most cherished ... I wouldn't trade it for a Jimmy Choo ;)
by Me on Friday, October 15, 2010 at 11:40pm

Contents: roll of lifesavers, cotton ball, Hershey's Kiss, Hershey's Hug, Sweet Tarts, B-day candle, circle with happy face stickers, rubber band, pencil eraser(top), band-aid, recipe card with a recipe on it, paper clip, tissue, and a small smooth stone. Place all these items in a pretty gift bag. On the outside of the bag attach a sheet of paper or note card with the meanings below printed on it.



Contained in this Friendship Bag are a few reminders of friendship.



LIFESAVERS: To remind you of the many times others need help and we need theirs.



COTTON BALL: For the rough roads, seek the cushioned support of your family and friends.



RUBBER BAND: A reminder to stay flexible.



SWEET & SOUR CANDY: To help you appreciate the differences in others.



CANDY KISS: To remind you that everyone needs kisses.



CANDY HUG: To remind you that hugs are nice, too.



HAPPY FACE: Smiling not only increases your face value, it's contagious.



CANDLE: To remind you to share your light with others.



BAND-AID: For healing hurt feelings, yours and someone else's.



RECIPE CARD: To share a favorite with a friend as a symbol of caring.



PAPER CLIP: to help keep things together when they seem to be slipping out of control.



TISSUE: to wipe away a tear, your own or someone else's



SMALL SMOOTH STONE: to remind you that rough times help refine and polish--use for smoother tomorrows



ERASER: To remind you that everyday you can start with a clean slate.



crossing 13 and 1/2 bridges

God’s grace in the works and with all the perks …

1. I head EMD’s 3rd Unit. I said a silent prayer, and thanked God personally :)

2. Blood pressure’s back to normal. I got my sleep wonderfully back and I didn’t have the “spirals” the whole week.

3. This made me happy on a Sunday morning. I was looking for it for the longest time. Sadly, it’s blocked in FB, at least it’s working here ;). Due to the degree of difficulty, am putting it in my bucket list. Hopefully find the CD. Tori Amos’ bee-keepin’ butterfly sleeper is a little bit lonely and giving-up. Portuguese travessia sings of a little optimism … When the bridge is between us … We'll have nothing to fear … We will run through the sunlight … And you'll meet me halfway ..." la la la la la la la la

I was on the road practically the whole time this past week.

Arduous and exhausting.

No time for friends. I had to turn down a couple of invitations from Bok (kooks bday lunch), Jen (so I was not able to get the Review School brochure for Soph) , MyFF (kahit kape lang), Glenn (na lagi naman he he). Friday night was the only time. Time-out na, staff meeting pa din huhu. Ludos jusz across. Thank God, Teff got in the way. Eu and Ken off to Music Bank. Me, gosh, I think, I was jusz about to catch a flu … which, certainly, I couldn’t afford in the middle of my school tours, Dumaguete preps, Kapuso Bacolod and Gensan budget.

I got a call. Emergency. Honey Rose ko :) …. 33rd b-day celeb in one of the executive suites in Manila Diamond. I was in the middle of my meeting so I had to cut short our telecon. I felt my temperature rising. Another call … this time form Anakish. “Inang, punta ka na, on the way na kami ni Mike :)”.

Earth calling Major Mykee … who was at that time … somewhere CITEM’s Men’s room :) …. OT raw sya for CA EXPO, I urged him for the love of his elder sistah, Honey Rose … I was pleading … maawa kayu sa akin, gutay gutay na katawan ko sa pagod … Timog pa ako mangagaling …. Mahal cab from GMA , malayo pa sweldo :( Please represent your Nanay …. At eto naman si kulot … may ka date na iba, eh, si Jenalyn, namamatay na sa lungkot at inggit … Bentot’s busy with Law School and GF :). eto kasi naman si HR, bigla-bigla hayyyyyy

Si Mykee susunduin ko na sana but but but … Kuya Tintoy still working upstairs daw, OT din …. That made me decide to wait at the hotel :(. I went ahead at Room 1230.

To make a long story short, me getting caught between sleep and awake … turning down light beer and tequila to the surprise of everyone, I was useful when awake, useless when dozing off … sinakay na ako ng cab ni Myk, I got home one piece before 3 Am on a Saturday morn. Darn, I was so lousy that evening, I was not able to take pix boohoo ... I did misz mah ol' crew but I was too damned wasted!

Unravels this week.

1. Who the fuck is in Singapore? … I get a lot of good views from tat side of Asia ei
2. “Snoopers” stalking on irmavanta.blogspot.com … what else do you want to know, my friend? This is a “no-hold barred” site. I am a tech dummy, I can’t do much technically. I owe my meter from MyPiayaya. The only reason why I got it was because of its simplicity. So you don’t need to analyze my IP address, or my domain name … coz I don’t know them, because I don’t know them, I don’t give a shit. So don’t waste your broadband time snoopin’ on things I don’t really care about … jusz read on, sweat and jerk off.
3. Welcome Butch … enjoy your obsession ;) harharhar

4. There you go again. Reading becomes a bad habit of yours huh. :) … But you make me a happy baby, baby! ... this is so fuckin' orgasmic!

;)

Bridges & Travessia - Kevyn Lettau

Found at: FilesTube

*i remember, i was "my bridges" to my 13th. but that was it. we live separate lives now.

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

I got my promotion today.
My resilience paying off
I got a little nervous and worried, too
… jusz like China and tat cho’clate bar :(

I’m driven and I ain’t losing focus
I’m too blessed to be feeling angry.
Tween Hearts na bukas with Eu
Trudis naman sa Monday
Buglasan's coming
Kapuso Christmas, too.

… I always say, I have been preparing myself
But never really getting good at it
Something waiting to happen
… am ready to exhale.

I’ll remember this day.