Midlife Chronicles: Last Part of a Series

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WEDNESDAY, APRIL 21, 2010

Bubble Love

When I was young, all was good and happy.

As I grew, things became some kinda ... wonderful ... and fabulous ... and fantastic ... :)

Now I find myself in a bubble. My very own bubble. This is my own bubble.

Not everyone likes the fact that I am a gYpsy at heart, or that I care too much and that I am too honest and trusting to a fault. I had mood swings even before reaching middle age. So I can be your sweet pixie one moment, and a really bad, angry witch in a blink of an eye.

I was raised to be regular burger, I understand that. But even as a little girl I knew I was gonna be Big Mac :). Teehah … I changed my religion, declared independence at 23, moved in my boyfriend and got pregnant without a wedding in my head, got my education and made colors fly in school, traveled the world, did a good honest job in government for twenny years, packed my suitcase when it was time to go, survived losses of loved ones’ passing, survived heartbreaks from lovers and friends, survived crises … financial, emotional and what have you. I made it through so many storms in life, and I dunno how and why, but those moments I always feel God’s hands touching my face. I breath life the next day and still adoring afternoon rains. I wake up kissing my daughter goodbye as I head for work. I look forward on Fridays, dinner and drink with friends, I look forward for weekends, jusz me and my little girl. I want better days with GMA (I continue to talk to God about that … we’re sorta debating about it until this day) ... and true love (hey, why not, who knows one day, ayt?).

… you know there are still many many things I can’t and don’t want to do :) … like cook (but I can fancy you with my cutlery … and my linens … the scent of hot choc’late all over my kitchen) … am not good at laundry but I can squeaky clean your bath or decorate the entire house, and ohhh I am very very poor with money (when I get rich I promise to hire my kumares Jena and Gigi as my financial and investment consultants … I will give them all my dinero to manage (because I trust them so fully with all my heart) and let them give me a stipend (huge amount!) for all the things I need … and all the things I ?) . I don’t want to go to church until fanatics start getting real with life and God (I am God’s favorite child, I can go straight to him, any time , any where). It ‘s hard to quit my vices (even if I want to) … like smoke arrgggh … say bad words (especially when I mean them) …. write (… with less honesty … what’s wrong with "honesty overdose" in the first place) ... and not compromise ( people, things, stuff I value greatly) … and this wuV (our anakish Jonah bought me a choc’late cake last Monday … the traditional blowing …I made the same old wish .. she and Wenggay jusz couldn't believe it).

I am in this bubble for 40 summers. It’s actually not complicated. It’s unique. Special.

Ama wanna tell God (something He already knows) … this bubble He gave me ... I so love it. I hope He gives me another 40 years with it :).

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SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2010

So let's talk about parallel lives.

When you’re lucky enough to reach middle age, then most likely you have already a body of evidence, a history , a growing archive, a repository of knowledge, a growing collection of accomplishments and failures, a statistics of how much or less, how many or few, how poor or great.

This period beyond young adulthood but before the onset of old age … surviving birth, fleeting childhood and teenage life … we have educated ourselves, possibly as far as post-grad, changed employment may be twice of thrice or even four times, traveled far and wide, kept friends that we’ll bring wiht us throughout this lifetime, have tried all the novelty and the nasty, drink, smoke, stone or may be clean living all the way, slept around, slept peacefully , stayed a virgin or declared celibacy, been pregnant once, twice, double, quadruple, dreamt of pregnancy and underwent fertility treatment, gotten married, may be separated, took a lover, or may be still married, happily/unhappily, or a second marriage, happily/unhappily, kept a hobby, found a God or defined your own spirituality.

People coming and going into your life. Some leaving you with little memories you don’t even remember them anymore, some changed you, and you are never the same.

May be by then you have a hill of angst, depression, too much or too less of joy and ecstasy. Made friends. Made enemies. Black, white and gray areas. Half the color, half the circle, half the throttle.

That period in time before we’re grandparents ourselves … in case we are sentenced to die with old age. 

We are a half-way through, but not almost there yet. Don’t you think midlife is like puberty, sometimes, I think it is.

The sum of my life, may be at the half of my lifetime, lemme see:

I went through the separation of my parents. Cultivated my own bigotry on step-parents.
I have experienced losing loved ones, family and friends mostly from sickness and old age.
I have seen my family, grew bigger, sometimes wiser, sometimes not.
I graduated with honors. Went to grad school. Shifted careers three times. Traveled a great deal. Got my own place. Bought a car and sold it.
At 23, I packed my suitcase to Manila, declared my independence and started living on my own. Got into vices, got into troubles. I was promiscuous and slept around.
Just before my 26th birthday, I moved in with my boyfriend. That same summer I got pregnant.
That September I decided to marry. I had Sophie at 27. My marriage was breaking-up.
Took my bestfriend as a lover.
Made enemies. Made friends. Black, white and gray areas. Half the color, half the circle, half the throttle.
Yes, it’s true, my heart was broken a few times. I broke a few hearts , too. So as they say, everybody plays the fool sometimes :(
At one point, I was introduced to God, and accepted Him as my Lord and Savior. In many long periods after that, I was unfaithful, I stumbled and back-slid.
I was diagnosed to be alcoholic in the middle of rock bottom from losing my mother, raising alone this fragile 9 year old, my wrong judgment over sheeps in wolves clothing, and my poor old heart splattered amidst this same crowd I sincerely thought were my friends, I wanted so much to leave but couldn’t.
I was losing my dear self and I wasn’t even 40 years old.
The median is strategic and critical. The wasted time, a little more time to waste. May be late but not very very late.

I started collecting pieces of my dear self together. Sometimes I lick my own wound. If there was no available cure on hand. I ran a fever overnight. I get better the next day. I got sick but I did not die.

I got a new job and tried to get busy with it. Spent my money. Invested my money.

I decided to be sober. When I am not working, I stay home most of the time. I left the wolves into the woods. I drink, dine and party only with chosen friends now.

I am friends with my daughter. I am friends with my daughter’s father. I am friends with myself.

I am not very good at religions. But I love my pep talks with God. :)

I am not in a relationship right now. I don’t even have a lover. It doesn’t mean I’m not in love. Let's put it this way, God and I, we're saving the best for last.

I don’t have sex. But I have hobbies like my readings, my writings, this journal, Facebook, all my collection, etc, etc And because of that, I don’t get Urinary Tract Infection these days :) hahahah. 

Seriously, let me put it this way, I have a theory, of Sweet Eventuallys. I bet when it happens its gonna be blietzkrieg beautiful!

The truth about midlife crisis is at midlife you are ready for the crises, you’ve been through them half of your lifetime so what’s there left to worry about.

You are just as ready to cross over, anytime, anywhere, anything with anyone.

(This the effect of finally finishing Eat Pray Love. Officially, I'm reading "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret?" by Judy Blume. This afternoon during a quick shopping with Soph, I checked with National Bookstore, Elizabeth Gilbert's "Committed" (it's closed to 700 bucks) ... am really really curious of Liz's new accounts of her life with Brazilian 50 ;)") So let's talk about parallel lives.

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FRIDAY, APRIL 22, 2011

Hexagram 40

TAKING APART
Freedom is to be innocent.
Guilt is the most massive prison wall there is. It makes you do, think and be what others prescribe.
If you think yourself something should be done, then do it. If not, then don’t – and don’t let anyone point at you and make a feeling of guilt in you. And never do that yourself. Making guilt is a crime against life.
Stay free and leave free.

Old bad habits are to die for errrr I mean, hard to die … meaning. can’t wont go away just like that. May be because, we do them in routine practice as such they are not acquired overnight but a prolong period of time in strictly conventional set of procedure. Old bad habits is part of a complex tradition of one’s being. It becomes us. It is us. A criss-crossing cobwebs, an embodiment of life lived in addiction. :)

Like (1) my innate stubbornness. (2) My wicked twin sister who goes by the name Bad Temper. (3) I fall out. I drop 'em. I leave. (4) The scoresheet like sweet peach in my pocket … nah, I don’t write ‘em in water, I’ve got your records of wrong neatly tucked in my sleeves. I honor my word, and (5) don’t forget offenses and misdeeds. I am like a child innocent with a knife. I thirst for your blood, (6) I am vindictive. I make mistakes, too. (7) I won’t easily forgive you. I don’t forget.

Like that (1) big house with a big swimming pool for my mother. (2) A good quiet, non-combatant life in UP. (3) Six kids and a happy married life. (4) A satiable hunger for “Church”. (5) Sobriety and a clean pair of lungs L (6) the pinkiest of health. And that wishing, and mushing, and gnashing that (7) it did not happen at all amongst us. (8) BabyDanes™.

And dreams, one thing I have learned about them. Sometimes you get closer to them. Sometimes not at all. Sometimes they get to you but only in a totally different package. You may not have it all in fact, you risk to have none of it at all. But at the end of the zip line, it’s not a bad dream after all. It’s a good dream anyway. :) No need for a bungee jump! I always wake up. My feet secured on the ground. I still can do moonwalkin’ … Roger Rabbit waitin’ …

I recognize my flaws. I always try to correct them or fight them back (many times I'm not successful, many times it's short-lived.)

I love my dreams. They keep me insane, and grounded, too.

For whatever they are, that’s what they are for. Can you imagine a life without them? How then would have I known the difference between the perfect and the imperfect. Between hope and despair.

Hexagram 41 

DIMINISHING
This is all.
Get rid of all conditioning and forms. You think you need them for being present in the world, for being visible, being you. But what they do is hiding you. They hide your soul, your essence, your creativity, and they can even destroy all this.
If you dare to be your naked self, you will be amazed how great and rich it is. Diminishing is augmenting. Only an empty cauldron can receive others and blessings.
Let go in order to find.

Who said, you're entitled only to one re-booth ... this journey continues

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... then I met you.  At 41.

My blood rushes and shoots up each I think of you, hear your voice, see you naughty smile, look into your eyes.  I had my hopes high to see you again, come home, summer this year.  The things we missed doing when we were younger ...  like ... walk the streets of our old town, like crazy fool lovers, get mushy @ Kale Beach, fulfill your fantasy makin' out  @ the backseat of Victory Liner Baguio City bound :) ... you say, you know, they always turn the lights off  somewhere half way though the trip.  I promised to bring you to a good doctor when you get here.  Check on your persistent headaches.  Then we go to Palawan.  Have Starbucks coffee with Weng in Tagaytay City.  Attend my high school reunion, you my imported escort :)  Our room next  to Dognuts at Seorabeol. (you'd love my friends, they're just like me, only better :) )

And that sweet little baby girl.   You said you've always wanted the name Mikaela.  I wanna her call Pixie (this I never get to tell you).  Start our life together.  Just the thought was already bliss.

We were so happy.  I was so at peace.  Finally I am with someone I'd always wanted to have since 6th grade.  A feeling that started like a stranger to me.  And even when I thought it was gone and forgotten, buried by 3 decades of lives lived separately.   You know,  I've met a few of my past loves, men I used to love, liked and desired in different stages of my life.  The feelings were gone.  Some parts of our memories lost unintentionally in oblivion.    But us ...  suddenly, we were put together, one night,  back in each other's lives.   And I am so  sure that dusty cobwebbed space in my heart  was meant for you all these times.   It was not meant for anyone else, not even for the one I married.  You got in easily, gracefully, like you own it.  You fit perfectly in it.

Then I am so sure.  Then it is not a hasty generalization.  I want to be with you.  My remaining days I want to spent with you.  Like watch the sunset together, my head on your shoulder, I hold your hands so tight just before I close my eyes.  I love you.  I want to leave this world ahead of you but with you.

It doesn't make sense how fate played with us like fools.

I just know, I died before I was 42.

*The End*

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