I like to remember things my own way. how i remembered them, not necessarily the way they happened.
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. My DeLicioUs ambiguity.
I'm not a graceful person. I'm not a Sunday morning or a Friday sunset. I am a Tuesday 2AM, I am gunshots muffled by a few city blocks, I am a broken window during February. My bones crack on a nightly basis. I fall from elegance with a dull thud, and I apologize for my awkward sadness. I sometimes believe that I don't belong around people, that I belong to all the leap days that didn't happen. The way light and darkness mix under my skin has become a storm. You don't see the lightning, but you hear the echoes.
Page 2 THE ANSWER TO YOUR WHYS ... continuation from Welcome to my Hermitage (page 1 of 2)
"I am jealous. Of what I did not have with him. Of what I don’t have with him here and now. And what I will never have with him in a thousand years.
You see, right now it’s a place where I’ve cultivated sadness. That feeling I've allowed memories and silhouettes to haunt me for an extended period of time. I go there and I cannot describe to you in words that tummy ache, that headache, that burning sensation round my eyes, and those galvanized sheets slicing my chest ... you will never understand, I dunno how to explain. Our circumstances are different. You don’t carry my chains. You don't know my kind of love. For two moons, for what i thought was my paradise, he traveled secretly on sweet, unfamiliar grounds ...
... it is now, my official venue for my hurts and my masochistic tendencies. It is where I planned, and tried many times over. My orchestrated death. I wanted to, but couldn’t.
Because …
... it was my place for my swing set. It was my Angel's Knoll. Tedious, perpetuating, unforgiving … it was a place where I waited for him ...and he was like the answer to the question that never came."
***
Thanks for overseas phone calls, emails, messages in FB where I currently squat right now on my daughter's property, Sophie V. Merza @ https://www.facebook.com/SophiaEnchanted :), Group Chats, messages in Goodreads, Instagram, etc etc Mobile calls still expensive, Viber works for me ahuh.
You see, you will find me everywhere, except there. Who know's I'd be getting some fine stitchings, and all prettified when I come back some day. Remember, Facebook ain't Instagram. :-) Ain't permanent :-)
This year, we welcome a new addition to the family. Our sweet so mabait Hailey Bae.
Tiz' my original baby love ... Sophia Clarisse.
... and this is genuinely VINTAGE, Mayvel. --- ang Promotor lol
*** I have a habit of collecting baby pics of people really close to my heart so in my (late) FB :(, I have an album of them ... some taken in their random moments, some orchestrated pictorials ...
ALBUM TITILE: so heart dainty babies, terrible toddlers and demanding kiddos
from Left to Right:
First row: my cousins Rory, Franco and Carrots. My pampangkins Trisha Anne, Stephi and Timmy.
Second Row: My nieces, Miranda and Erika, nephews, Nero, Ed Steven, Russell and Ian and 2nd Gen Dognuts' Jhana (Remy Dela Rea's unica hija, here by the poolside with Sophie, despedida swimming before flying to Melbourne)
Third Row: yay continuation of Dognuts 2nd Generation... Jomat's girls in Sydney, Pong's Crew, Team Felias, Tess' Chloe, Nat's Robin, Luz' duo, and Danny's boys :), CITEM's Luigi and baby sis
Fourth Row: CITEM's Kids all over place: Kiko, Inah, Bei, Amiel, EJ, VonRye, Thirdy, Paige, Vince, etal
Last Row: GMA's Nychee, Achi and Rebi, and HS classmate Marco's Jacob, Willy's pamangkins, best dude GerryBoy's Joshua Nigel
When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies. And now when every new baby is born its first laugh becomes a fairy. So there ought to be one fairy for every boy or girl. ~James Matthew Barrie, Peter Pan
1) Profile, on and off. First online sighting.
2) Destine's Will. First mention of social/civil status. Connection noted. Relevance --- i didn't care.
3) Silver Jubilee, Family Day. First offline encounter.
4) A couple of profiles made me suspicious.
5) Potential new playmate.
What's happening to the world. Teachers used to be my favorite persons in the whole wide world. My mom being a teacher herself, long before she joined the corporate world. A couple of my besties are top of the line educators (being topnotch students themselves when we were in still school). Teachers helped me raised my daughter. How could I survive educating my child without them?
Then the tribe decreases. They begun living secret lives, and secret lives revealed via social media without any shame and guilt. Facebook for hook ups is forgivable but i cannot stomach their consistently wrong grammar, very poor thought process, scattered brains, palengkera stunts posted as shout outs in Facebook, hilarious and hideous, I came to a point that I hid their updates from my newsfeed, unless my friend, Maryliza would invite me for some Tylenol moments lol, and would ask me to check the blackboard :-)
Number one did not catch my attention yet. It wasn't about somebody's Profile, getting counted or not.
Until he mentioned. That figures. Such a remark was a little prominent. I didn't take it well. I will explain later.
December 2011 was flesh and blood, and way out of my league. I always prefer to be with my friends or 4-1 at the very least. I'm a bit discriminating. That's my right. I have no regrets at all with the company I chose to be with. I'm actually better off. I have zero-patience to anything mediocre and put-on. Even when I'm drunk. Especially when I'm drunk. I am not here to please anybody. And I'm not easy to please myself. Actually I do not like being pleased. Genuinely pleasant people are natural and sincere. Effortless. So when there is effort, makes me uncomfortable, makes me doubt. And when I doubt, I leave. I either give you my 100%, or none at all. But you know, you gotta deserve the 100%. I have to make sure of that, otherwise, it's not worth it,
So then I was right. Several accounts tell you a story. I admit I had 2 Facebook accounts. The second one was due to Destine's Will's prodding. But you see, I am one person who really cannot divide 100% of my affection to two. I cannot serve two masters all at the same time, with fairness and equality. In my heart, there's just one. It's hard enough to maintain one account, how harder it could get even if have two or more. I have the same network anyway, and they're not too big a network. But some people I know would have more, one for their official partners, one or two for hook-ups.
Oh well, I got dumped, I've been had, I go hurt, I was angry.
But then again, I am not the one who's still in that phase. I was going to be 42, and I didn't want to get my hands dirty just for casual sex. Anger is a bad excuse. Hurt, worse. I got dumped but so what everybody get that in a lifetime. I'm just a number. I left (again).
I have one apology to make. You out there, you reading this piece. I'm so sorry Willy.
***
I've always been using my maiden name in social media, one because, I do not wish to mix up my corporate identity with my personal life. CITEM, though, was an exemption it has a special place in my heart. I owe a big part (a good part) of my being to CITEM. My CITEM family was the only thing "business" I allowed to be part of my personal life. Nothing else came close afterwards. Again, I'm very discriminating.
Second, people from my past, they know me by my "name". That straight and simple. :-) .
My choice of name gave me away. Suddenly I was bombardized with pick-up lines. But only one line got me. Because of my "name", my claim to fame. :-(, I broke my heart. And it changed me.
It was too late for me to understand the psyche behind a woman's maiden name. So I was told that it was like becoming a cult in Facebook. Batchmates, schoolmates, classmates, old friends and exes, hooking up. They come home to the Philippines, minus their spouses and partners, attend reunions like it was a big orgy! It was ridiculous. It was fantastic! Insane! That strong desire to have sex with people other than your spouse/partner, people from your innocent past. That was the idea. It was too late when I heard of that story. Too late that it did not come out as a warning but pure gossiping.
I joined and got active in social media not to turn myself into a prostitute and peddle myself to my network. I will respect individual differences and sexual preferences but I will neither be part of anything like that nor endorse something like that.
Even when I do not subscribe to it anymore, i still have high regards to people who are courageous enough to want to fall in love. I take my hats off.
My evasion plan ... go back to my married name at least in my FB, limit my interaction outside Dognuts, and CITEM and a handful of batchmates I feel I am safe with (I hope I wasn't wrong about them). Suddenly there was peace. No more bothersome school boys. No more indecent proposals
Ang lake naman nang Batch 86, ilang schools ba meron sa Gapo during my time, some old folks, married, single, separated, widowed, actually regardless of civil status, there is quite a pool of potential playmates willing enough to play games.
Cuz me, my friend, --- i'm Taurus, and a dog, and raised well by my Village ...
I played for keeps.
Page One --- THE HANDS THAT ROCK THE CRADLE, ARE FULL
If they asked why I didn't say goodbye ... so they did ... so I said ... these kept me ... workin' and grounded ... these days while I'm away ...
*catching up with my readings
the year's almost done and i miss the fireworks like the Fifty Fuck Ups ;-) ... i know they been a little shitty ... i didn't end up talking/writing about them ... very much like ho-hummm sex ... waking up wasted, forgetful, thankless from mechanical sex and fake orgasms!
somehow Pearl Cleage's happy (fiction) ending saved they day... why not, when reality sucks all over the place ... happy fiction quiet in a little corner is a welcome relief.
and this place of short stories from indie writers, less known but not necessarily of less meaning :) ... via my own wattpad --- http://www.wattpad.com/user/lovelace1970 --- come read my favorite from mylittlemissoddity Amelia, ... http://www.wattpad.com/14753713-love-stories-for-a-rainy-day-iii-daisy-chains-and ... when you're torn between daisies and dandelions (like I am :) ) and why some childhood hurts :-( (like mine does)
seriously, i've read and cried and gnashed my teeth on China's Cultural Revolution, The Romanovs and Rasputin.
you see i've got busy days ahead. warming up with My Hundred Lovers. My pipeline looks like this (1) Dear Teen Me, (2) Pretty in Pink (3) The Poetic Underground (4) Lang Leav (5) Finn Butler 9^) Poindexter
and my many many many online bookmarks for DIYs, home improvements, trivia list, forensic science (forensic science What The!!! lol) etc etc
too short a life huh and jusz too many books and stuff to read ...
**catching up with my writing
the birth of a porn star whose bloated decomposing cadaver lies shamelessly on a rusty dissection table, lost in some forgotten low class morgue --- a memory that thrives in the company of poets, http://loveblender.com/, and storytellers, http://lovelace1970.tumblr.com/ ... thank you tumblr for the second chance. and kirk for the many chances ;-)
Destine's Will was shortlived. Nose diving fast to oblivion. can you keep a secret??? ... lovelace is jane doe. ;-) ...
All of my draft folders are getting too crowded these days. don't have enough time for all the things I want to say.
***my little enterprise
... to sustain an addiction. period. to camouflage a delusional psychosis into something useful and positive. SophieEnchanted is growing the whole nine yards but decides not to go mainstream (not yet). Her kind of Posh prefers quiet and steady. Mom's playground is her daughter's training ground.
I am a rockstar by night. And a personal shopper by day time. If you miss me, come by ... https://www.facebook.com/SophieEnchanted
Next, my cousins and I, are looking at Gensan, for a business opp. I'm excited on this one. Bikers Unite!
Next, next ... this month, definitely getting into some investment stuff, me buying a few shares from San Miguel Corporation. Col Financial Philippines is such a haven for stock dummies like me :) ... Thank God.
****Mommylicious
My daughter is 17. 18 come March. I've always been a hands-on mom. Mobile, from time to time, but still very hands-on. Many things going on with Sophie's young dear life. I have to make sure that I am with her every step of the way. Well, that OC because she's still a minor, on life apprenticeship, under Mom's tutelage ;-) ... time's fast and life's short and tricky ... too many lessons to teach and learn from.
We've talked about her coming out gig for her 18th birthday. Better than a traditional ball (which I am not a fan even as a teenager). We're working on her OJT in Portland. And sending her to grad school. Guiding her organizing event projects (thank God for CITEM for my undisputed track record and admirable work standards --- I've always been a proud CITEM alumna), homeworks for some mental gymnastics, crafting her resume for OJT, studying business processes, planning/fighting over her wardrobe etc etc
Sophie is in a journey, and I'm joining her in that.
Yet there are limitations. And conditions. Within and outside human power. As a child, I've always thought my own mother was immortal. And that her love for me, was more than enough drive for her not to die on me. I thought God would be considerate ... made my Mom an exception. Well, eventually, I was all by myself. An orphan at 36.
My blood chem looks perfect on paper but my body is telling me otherwise.. Two months ago, my breasts have gone cystic and my OB's asking for 6 months for another mammogram and breast ultrasound. I am not happy waiting around for another 6 months ... And I'm saying, I'm already 44 and I've got small ear lobes like mom's. I'm cramming and a little panicky equipping my child not just to be able to manage life on her own, but also make herself productive, and live a relatively good, meaningful life.
I recently figured in a road accident and it was a close call. Not yet.
I can't slip.
Sunday after church. Lunch with relatives. Visited my cousins' Vietnamese store @ Noel Bazaar 2014. Picked up my new Coloud Pop @ Pedro Gil. Shopped @ Robinsons Place Manila. Capped the night with some pasta dinner @ Mary Grace's. Dead meat tired but worth it.
Page 2 THE ANSWER TO YOUR WHYS ... to be continued ...
