a Gracefull 2012 and a Bucketfull 2013

Break the bread ...

Thank you my Prozac Team and for the complete year round work-up J … Facebook, Blogging, Pinterest, Cooking, Home Decorating, Books, Friends, Family, God.

Here’s for Thy sustenance, Thy faithfulness.   Thy grace and mine.   Resilience at work.  My life a work in progress.  My heart may be stubborn but you made it grateful, generous and cheerful.  

And  here’s to  that courage …  to leave, to quit, to break-away,  to break-off, to stay away, to continue, to love, to accept. 

Thank you. 

Break a leg ...

Beef up my Team @ Camp Empowerment :)

Getting closer to my online shop --- currently pondering on a few names ... and must have a new FB account for this with my current network and more ... :)

Revive my garden :)

Fix.  Explore.  Re-Start.  Finish.  Animo La Salle!!!

Try mosaic ;) (of course, with the guidance of my friend, and personal  design guru ,Wenggay) 

Erotic literature going full blast!!!

celebratin' Sophie's sweet 16

...wearing this sweet summer silhouette  in a garden of blooms

... who knows ... I might be celebratin' my 43rd summer in my little hometown ;)

A must!  LOL

will seriously pursue CSR 

... and get dirty with those pair of Wellies ;)

... bringing it to the next level.  A year to coordinate, finalize and confirm with  DOH and PNRC.

... give Giffin another chance.

... and another taste of Harris.

Ink my 3rd one.

I said this once, I ain't takin it back ...

... wanting you back in my life.  Friendship is better than love.

Amen.

Awakenings and Beginnings

• ·         Catch a Dream
        According to Native Americans, dreams that humans have while they sleep, are sent by sacred spirits as messages.  According to their Legend, in the center of the Dream Catcher there is a hole.  Good dreams are permitted to reach the sleeper through this hole in the  web.  As for the bad dreams, the web traps them and they disappear at dawn with the first light.   For some, they try to determine what messages are being passed onto them and what the message represents.      The Dream Catcher represents several meanings.  All of the decorations and materials used to decorate them, all have a special meaning.  A single bead in the middle may represent the spider that is on the web.  Scattered beads throughout the web may represent good dreams that may have been caught throughout the night.  A feather represents a symbol of breath or air which is attached so it hangs from the center of the ring. It is essential for life. A baby watching the air playing with the feather on her cradleboard is entertained while also being given a lesson on the importance of  good air.    
  ·         Also known as Spider Web Charms, are believed to trap unimportant or bad dreams that float in the air, pretty much the way a spider traps insects that flies into its web.      The Ojibwe Tribe were the very first to design these decorations to protect their infants against bad dreams that could possibly come throughout the night.  Both bad and good dreams were caught within the web, but only the good dreams were permitted to slide down along the feathers to the infants head.  Thus, the bad dreams would become lost within the web and would not be able to find the way to the infant.  By morning, when the sun rays would bring in light to the child’s room, it would destroy the bad dreams. Here is the Ojibwe Legend that was traditionally explained verbally.     Long ago in the ancient world of the Ojibwe Nation, the Clans were all located in one general area of that place known as TurtleIsland.   This is the way that the old Ojibwe storyteller say how Asibikaashi (Spider Woman) helped Wanabozhoo bring giizis (sun) back to the people:    
  ·         Asibikaashitook care of her children, the people of the land, and she continues to do so this day.  When the Ojibwe Nation dispersed to the four corners of North America to fulfill a prophecy, Asibikaashi had a difficult time making her journey to all those cradle boards.  So,  the mothers, sisters, and Nokomis (grandmothers) took up the practice of weaving the magical webs for the new babies using willow hoops and sinew or cordage made from plants.  They are in the shape of a circle to represent how giizis travels each day across the sky.  The dream catcher will filter out all the bad bawedjigewin (dreams) and allow only good thoughts to enter into our minds when we are just abinooji (babies).     
  ·         You will see a small hole in the center of each dream catcher where the good bawedjige may come through.  With the first rays of sunlight, the bad dreams would perish.When we see little Asibikaashi, we should not fear her, but instead respect and protect her.  In honor of their origin, the number of points where the web connected to the hoop numbered eight for Spider Woman's eight legs or seven for the Seven Prophecies.    
  ·         To this day, Asibikaashi will build her special lodge before dawn.  If you are awake at dawn, as you should be, look for her lodge and you will see this miracle of how she captured the sunrise as the light sparkles on the dew which is gathered there.     
  ·          The Dream Catcher was originally made by tribes such as the Ojibwe, from a hoop of bent willow with a webbing of sinew. Hung from a baby’s cradleboard or near the sleeping area in the lodge, it was believed to sort dreams.Good dreams flowed through the center of the catcher where they then slid down a feather to the dreamer below. However, bad dreams got caught up in the web and kept until the first rays of morning light melted them away.This is an accounting of the legend of the dreamcatcher:
  ·         A spider was quietly spinning her web in her own space. It was beside the sleeping space of Nokomis, the grandmother.Each day, Nokomis watched the spider at work, quietly spinning away.
  ·          One day as she was watching the spider, her grandson came in, he shouted, glancing at the spider. He stomped over to the spider, picked up a shoe and went to hit it … the old lady whispered,  don’t hurt her. why do you protect the spider”, asked the little boy.The old lady smiled, but did not answer. When the boy left, the spider went to the old woman and thanked her for saving her life. The spider said to her, For many days you have watched me spin and weave my web. You have admired my work. In return for saving my life, I will give you a gift, She smiled her special spider smile and moved away, spinning as she went.
  ·         Soon the moon glistened on a magical silvery web moving gently in the window.  See how I spin? she said. This is my gift to you. See and learn, for dreams, both good and bad, float on the night air searching for their destination. This web is a dreamcatcher. If it is hung in the home above your bed, it will catch your dreams. Only good dreams will go through the small hole. The good dreams will go through the hole and slide down the webbing. The good dreams know the right way to avoid getting caught and easily find their way to the center hole of the Dreamcatcher.
  ·         They work their way down the web, catching all the good energies of the stones and other adornments, and finally filter down through the long soft feathers to the sleeper.The bad dreams, being confused and ill-intentioned, will become hopelessly entangled in the web of the Dreamcatcher, and will perish in the heat of the morning sun. When Morning comes, the bad dreams will melt away with the sun as dew upon a spider’s web.
  ·         One native legend tells of Grandmother Thought Woman, a Spirit Being. To help guide the people, she asked the willow tree for a branch, which she bent and bound until it formed a perfect circle, representing the unending cycle of life, death, and rebirth.From the mighty eagle, Grandmother Thought Woman took a single feather and suspended it from the circle.Then she transformed herself into Grandmother Spider Woman and wove a beautiful and protective web of fate in the circle.
  ·         She placed a single stone in the middle of the web. The stone was a symbolic connection to the Creative Force, clarity, peace, and communication.Grandmother Thought Woman then gave the Dream Catcher to the people and explained, “Hang the Dream Catcher above where you sleep, and it will sort all your dreams.The good dreams will pass through and bring joy. The bad dreams will be caught in the web, turn to dew, and drip down the feather, which will cleanse the dream.It will then return it to Mother Earth, where it will never disturb you again.” 

  
  A Butterfly called Hope
  

  
   A Papago legend tells, gathering all the most vivid colors --- black from a maiden's hair, yellow form the sun, and blues from the lakes and sky, he puts them in a bag.  When the children opened the bag, colored butterflies flew out.  Beautiful but silent (lest the song birds of the world become envious) butterflies became the guardians of secrets.

  S

        So the story continues these days, if you capture a butterfly and whisper your heart's desires, they fly to the heavens to tell their creator who will answer your prayers.

  
  A Queen Summons the Fairies
  
  ...From her celestial car

  
  The Fairy Queen descended
        And thrice she waved her hand
        Circled with wreaths of Amaranth;
        Her thin and misty form
        Moved with moving air,
       As the clear silver tones,
       As thus she spoke, were such
       As are unheard by all but gifted ear.
  
        foots:  eimearbrennan.com
  

  
  
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Sophie's heirlooms

 Some long overdue postings.

Last month, I turned my daughter's room upside down for some major general cleaning.  My penchant for old things ... my talent to safekeep, to document, to archive.   From a trunk of memoirs  i unearthed her sweet gentle days as a baby ...  reminiscin ... 

My pre-natal booklet and her baby record books.   In my attempt to keep both of us in the pinkiest  of health.

This 6 month old chick featured in Baby Magazine September 1997 issue.  Me a proud stage momma LOL

Her first set of tooth bristles:) ... When her first sprouts of  milk teeth started showing up ... I brought her to a pedodontics ... well hehehe me the of kind of obssessive compulsive mom who brings her child to a dentist every 6 months, those regular visits lasted all throughout grade school.  A bit expensive and taxing but worth it.  Sophie's got perfect set of teeth.  Never had toothache.  Never lost one after baby teeth days.  And above all, never afraid of dentists.  So proud of my little girl.  I may be OC, but I think i did a good job here :)  

Mommy the archeologist ... baby's milk teeth catalogued ;)

Her first ballet slippers she wore during class @ St. Paul's, she later continued @ Le Danz :)

Birthday favors ordered from Papemelroti.  Teeny bitsy weeny ring holders in blues and pinks.  Sophie celebrated her "mini debut 7th birthday party" @ Kids at Work, SM City Bacoor.

Top view with my pearl ring inside :)

 Those days ... my daughter, my mama, myself.   My daughter's turning 16 this coming March.  Mama's been gone for  almost 7 years.  When I look at these little things, no longer mundane and mere objects,  it gives a whole lot of meaning, memories of people, events and affection.  

Merry Christmas.

Why We Broke Up

Just when I was about to give up on this novel by Daniel Handler … me finding it too juvenile, too American, too American juvenile --- the many things a 42 year old Filipina struggled to relate to for the last 6 months that I’ve been trying to painfully read and enjoy this “break up” book. 

Three hundred fifty four.  The total number of pages.  Twenty pages the sum of all the pain. 

I thought there was something fantastic, fabulous, extra ordinaire, something uniquely heartbreaking .  Unique heartbreaking, a descriptive, definitive statement I invented a few seconds just as I write this.  My exact allusion when I first got a hold of this book.  Intrigued by how a broken heart looks and feels like for teenagers. Something I never had.  So I thought, my judgmental self, nothing spectacular, nothing elegant, just pure shallow pain.  Nothing beats a torn and worn recently broken heart of 4 decades.

I was wrong.  I underestimated the power of a broken heart.  One that goes beyond age and ages.  My bad.  I am so sorry Min.

Tuesday’s child.  11^th of December.  After three major stops, all successful.  After a morning long of planning a possible meet up and possibly beer and  “tsokolate-eh” from what’s left of our used to be our fave hangout in Remedios Circle , me and my “forever”  BFF Nanat, another failed attempt.  He’s watching a French film, that’s his priority!  Hump!!!  :)

After feeling a little bitter not being able to check out that Japanese store in Trinoma for that DVD bag in pink vintage (I have the blue one already so it is really a must that I get the pink one, yeah, a must … by all means, at all cost ahahah).    Yet still being able to maneuver a quick drop and shop at that new but dusty thrift shop by the train station fo that lovable snowman ....  a mug shot of that dirteeh ol Mistah Frost  am too lazy to post ;)

I jumped to that “ambrelata” mini bus, turned on my playlist at the highest volume, and started scanning what was left of Min and Ed.

 That heavy feeling leaf after leaf.  Those tiny diamond in the corner of my eyes again.

“Here we are at the bottom, almost empty.”  Page 325.

“Do you do them in that old-fashioned code, like daffodils mean I’m sorry I  was late, daisies mean sorry I embarrassed you in front of your friends, these things here fanned out mean just thinking of you?  Or did you just have them throw whatever was pretty together?”  Page 328.

“”But this isn’t for me,” I said, and something crinkled in my fist.  There was a crash on the floor, the crash of letting go.”  Page 330.

‘And you can’ stop thinking about me,’ I said., “is” what it was in your note.”  My head rattled with bad arithmetic. … couldn’t stop thinking of who, I thought, a fraction I couldn’t add up in my head.  I needed help, but you’re the only one good with a fucking protractor.”  Page 331.

“Just the water riveting on the floor, an answer I knew, gone out of the pretty vase.”  Page 332.

“This isn’t a movie,” I said. “We’re not movie stars.

“My fucking virginity, I realized with a churning lurch.  You had seen everything, you had everything.  Showering together.  Your body inside mine.  You had every scrap of skin, and I had a handful of petals in ne hand, somebody else’s flowers … How many times have you been in Willows?”  Page 333.

“I fled the street … You’re a goddamn athlete, you didn’t, you weren’t there when I reached as far lost corner and stood heaving with my hands full of all I had left. “  Page 334.

All pages turned.  I was looking aimlessly at Dado Avenue, diamond’s fell, but this perfect wind,  it dried them up just before they reached a pair of pink but much colder cheeks.

Florence Welch speaks in mystical poetry … "And given half the chance would I take any of it back  It's a fine romance but its left me so undone  It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Annette.  Annete was her name.  She between Min and Ed.

Drunk Tinker Bell hits on Wendy

Drunk Tinker Bell hits on Wendy

H I L A R I O U S!

What's your worth?

He gave his best. He always did.  This is not to question a fighter's heart.  This one's for his business managers :) 

"Manny Pacquiao should choose his battles. Given his stature in international boxing, he need not join every street brawl there is. But if he needs to because its a hefty million dollar deal (sucks! please tell me it's not just about the money) then

, I'm sorry, but he's got to win these fights, too. No less. Record shows, he lost his 2 recent fights, to a someone name what? .... Bradley something hayyy, and to an equally skillful Mexican fighter who was so hungry to prove himself up against an 8-Division champion. See the fulcrum :). ... eh pag hinamon sya ni Aquaman suntukan sa ilalim ng dagat, laban din sya? eh yung mga street bullies na tambay sa Pitong Gatang, Tondo, suntukan daw sila, laban pa din? Every loss is a recorded loss, whether it was a badly decided bout like Bradley's or a so called "lucky punch whatever" like yesterday's . To me, as a rule, a champion should never go down, but if he must, it must be with dignity. It should be a fight worth going down."

This writer by nature is a proud boxer.  Boxing my way to the ring of life, 42 years,  I may be bloodied, on my knees, left for dead ... but I get to my grave my head up high.  If that should be that one last fight to bring it all down, I'd make sure it's worth every drop of my blood. 

If I have eight belts, I have nothing to prove, I'd retire wearing them.  Let Mayweather drool and sulk and salivate and throw hissy fits, and I'd watch him get grouchy and throw tantrums like a 6 year old little girl while he endlessly beg for my blood he'll never get to taste.  Eight belts made me a millionaire, gave me and my family more than enough comforts in life that I can imagine.  Poverty should have taught  about fulfillment and satisfaction.  Dignity is not the summation of money.  

I will leave the limelight gracefully and gratefully.  A champion takes the door wearing all his belts on.  Not losing to anyone, not losing to himself.     

Midlife Chronicles: Last Part of a Series

*

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 21, 2010

Bubble Love

When I was young, all was good and happy.

As I grew, things became some kinda ... wonderful ... and fabulous ... and fantastic ... :)

Now I find myself in a bubble. My very own bubble. This is my own bubble.

Not everyone likes the fact that I am a gYpsy at heart, or that I care too much and that I am too honest and trusting to a fault. I had mood swings even before reaching middle age. So I can be your sweet pixie one moment, and a really bad, angry witch in a blink of an eye.

I was raised to be regular burger, I understand that. But even as a little girl I knew I was gonna be Big Mac :). Teehah … I changed my religion, declared independence at 23, moved in my boyfriend and got pregnant without a wedding in my head, got my education and made colors fly in school, traveled the world, did a good honest job in government for twenny years, packed my suitcase when it was time to go, survived losses of loved ones’ passing, survived heartbreaks from lovers and friends, survived crises … financial, emotional and what have you. I made it through so many storms in life, and I dunno how and why, but those moments I always feel God’s hands touching my face. I breath life the next day and still adoring afternoon rains. I wake up kissing my daughter goodbye as I head for work. I look forward on Fridays, dinner and drink with friends, I look forward for weekends, jusz me and my little girl. I want better days with GMA (I continue to talk to God about that … we’re sorta debating about it until this day) ... and true love (hey, why not, who knows one day, ayt?).

… you know there are still many many things I can’t and don’t want to do :) … like cook (but I can fancy you with my cutlery … and my linens … the scent of hot choc’late all over my kitchen) … am not good at laundry but I can squeaky clean your bath or decorate the entire house, and ohhh I am very very poor with money (when I get rich I promise to hire my kumares Jena and Gigi as my financial and investment consultants … I will give them all my dinero to manage (because I trust them so fully with all my heart) and let them give me a stipend (huge amount!) for all the things I need … and all the things I ?) . I don’t want to go to church until fanatics start getting real with life and God (I am God’s favorite child, I can go straight to him, any time , any where). It ‘s hard to quit my vices (even if I want to) … like smoke arrgggh … say bad words (especially when I mean them) …. write (… with less honesty … what’s wrong with "honesty overdose" in the first place) ... and not compromise ( people, things, stuff I value greatly) … and this wuV (our anakish Jonah bought me a choc’late cake last Monday … the traditional blowing …I made the same old wish .. she and Wenggay jusz couldn't believe it).

I am in this bubble for 40 summers. It’s actually not complicated. It’s unique. Special.

Ama wanna tell God (something He already knows) … this bubble He gave me ... I so love it. I hope He gives me another 40 years with it :).

*

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2010

So let's talk about parallel lives.

When you’re lucky enough to reach middle age, then most likely you have already a body of evidence, a history , a growing archive, a repository of knowledge, a growing collection of accomplishments and failures, a statistics of how much or less, how many or few, how poor or great.

This period beyond young adulthood but before the onset of old age … surviving birth, fleeting childhood and teenage life … we have educated ourselves, possibly as far as post-grad, changed employment may be twice of thrice or even four times, traveled far and wide, kept friends that we’ll bring wiht us throughout this lifetime, have tried all the novelty and the nasty, drink, smoke, stone or may be clean living all the way, slept around, slept peacefully , stayed a virgin or declared celibacy, been pregnant once, twice, double, quadruple, dreamt of pregnancy and underwent fertility treatment, gotten married, may be separated, took a lover, or may be still married, happily/unhappily, or a second marriage, happily/unhappily, kept a hobby, found a God or defined your own spirituality.

People coming and going into your life. Some leaving you with little memories you don’t even remember them anymore, some changed you, and you are never the same.

May be by then you have a hill of angst, depression, too much or too less of joy and ecstasy. Made friends. Made enemies. Black, white and gray areas. Half the color, half the circle, half the throttle.

That period in time before we’re grandparents ourselves … in case we are sentenced to die with old age. 

We are a half-way through, but not almost there yet. Don’t you think midlife is like puberty, sometimes, I think it is.

The sum of my life, may be at the half of my lifetime, lemme see:

I went through the separation of my parents. Cultivated my own bigotry on step-parents.
I have experienced losing loved ones, family and friends mostly from sickness and old age.
I have seen my family, grew bigger, sometimes wiser, sometimes not.
I graduated with honors. Went to grad school. Shifted careers three times. Traveled a great deal. Got my own place. Bought a car and sold it.
At 23, I packed my suitcase to Manila, declared my independence and started living on my own. Got into vices, got into troubles. I was promiscuous and slept around.
Just before my 26th birthday, I moved in with my boyfriend. That same summer I got pregnant.
That September I decided to marry. I had Sophie at 27. My marriage was breaking-up.
Took my bestfriend as a lover.
Made enemies. Made friends. Black, white and gray areas. Half the color, half the circle, half the throttle.
Yes, it’s true, my heart was broken a few times. I broke a few hearts , too. So as they say, everybody plays the fool sometimes :(
At one point, I was introduced to God, and accepted Him as my Lord and Savior. In many long periods after that, I was unfaithful, I stumbled and back-slid.
I was diagnosed to be alcoholic in the middle of rock bottom from losing my mother, raising alone this fragile 9 year old, my wrong judgment over sheeps in wolves clothing, and my poor old heart splattered amidst this same crowd I sincerely thought were my friends, I wanted so much to leave but couldn’t.
I was losing my dear self and I wasn’t even 40 years old.
The median is strategic and critical. The wasted time, a little more time to waste. May be late but not very very late.

I started collecting pieces of my dear self together. Sometimes I lick my own wound. If there was no available cure on hand. I ran a fever overnight. I get better the next day. I got sick but I did not die.

I got a new job and tried to get busy with it. Spent my money. Invested my money.

I decided to be sober. When I am not working, I stay home most of the time. I left the wolves into the woods. I drink, dine and party only with chosen friends now.

I am friends with my daughter. I am friends with my daughter’s father. I am friends with myself.

I am not very good at religions. But I love my pep talks with God. :)

I am not in a relationship right now. I don’t even have a lover. It doesn’t mean I’m not in love. Let's put it this way, God and I, we're saving the best for last.

I don’t have sex. But I have hobbies like my readings, my writings, this journal, Facebook, all my collection, etc, etc And because of that, I don’t get Urinary Tract Infection these days :) hahahah. 

Seriously, let me put it this way, I have a theory, of Sweet Eventuallys. I bet when it happens its gonna be blietzkrieg beautiful!

The truth about midlife crisis is at midlife you are ready for the crises, you’ve been through them half of your lifetime so what’s there left to worry about.

You are just as ready to cross over, anytime, anywhere, anything with anyone.

(This the effect of finally finishing Eat Pray Love. Officially, I'm reading "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret?" by Judy Blume. This afternoon during a quick shopping with Soph, I checked with National Bookstore, Elizabeth Gilbert's "Committed" (it's closed to 700 bucks) ... am really really curious of Liz's new accounts of her life with Brazilian 50 ;)") So let's talk about parallel lives.

***

FRIDAY, APRIL 22, 2011

Hexagram 40

TAKING APART
Freedom is to be innocent.
Guilt is the most massive prison wall there is. It makes you do, think and be what others prescribe.
If you think yourself something should be done, then do it. If not, then don’t – and don’t let anyone point at you and make a feeling of guilt in you. And never do that yourself. Making guilt is a crime against life.
Stay free and leave free.

Old bad habits are to die for errrr I mean, hard to die … meaning. can’t wont go away just like that. May be because, we do them in routine practice as such they are not acquired overnight but a prolong period of time in strictly conventional set of procedure. Old bad habits is part of a complex tradition of one’s being. It becomes us. It is us. A criss-crossing cobwebs, an embodiment of life lived in addiction. :)

Like (1) my innate stubbornness. (2) My wicked twin sister who goes by the name Bad Temper. (3) I fall out. I drop 'em. I leave. (4) The scoresheet like sweet peach in my pocket … nah, I don’t write ‘em in water, I’ve got your records of wrong neatly tucked in my sleeves. I honor my word, and (5) don’t forget offenses and misdeeds. I am like a child innocent with a knife. I thirst for your blood, (6) I am vindictive. I make mistakes, too. (7) I won’t easily forgive you. I don’t forget.

Like that (1) big house with a big swimming pool for my mother. (2) A good quiet, non-combatant life in UP. (3) Six kids and a happy married life. (4) A satiable hunger for “Church”. (5) Sobriety and a clean pair of lungs L (6) the pinkiest of health. And that wishing, and mushing, and gnashing that (7) it did not happen at all amongst us. (8) BabyDanes™.

And dreams, one thing I have learned about them. Sometimes you get closer to them. Sometimes not at all. Sometimes they get to you but only in a totally different package. You may not have it all in fact, you risk to have none of it at all. But at the end of the zip line, it’s not a bad dream after all. It’s a good dream anyway. :) No need for a bungee jump! I always wake up. My feet secured on the ground. I still can do moonwalkin’ … Roger Rabbit waitin’ …

I recognize my flaws. I always try to correct them or fight them back (many times I'm not successful, many times it's short-lived.)

I love my dreams. They keep me insane, and grounded, too.

For whatever they are, that’s what they are for. Can you imagine a life without them? How then would have I known the difference between the perfect and the imperfect. Between hope and despair.

Hexagram 41 

DIMINISHING
This is all.
Get rid of all conditioning and forms. You think you need them for being present in the world, for being visible, being you. But what they do is hiding you. They hide your soul, your essence, your creativity, and they can even destroy all this.
If you dare to be your naked self, you will be amazed how great and rich it is. Diminishing is augmenting. Only an empty cauldron can receive others and blessings.
Let go in order to find.

Who said, you're entitled only to one re-booth ... this journey continues

****

... then I met you.  At 41.

My blood rushes and shoots up each I think of you, hear your voice, see you naughty smile, look into your eyes.  I had my hopes high to see you again, come home, summer this year.  The things we missed doing when we were younger ...  like ... walk the streets of our old town, like crazy fool lovers, get mushy @ Kale Beach, fulfill your fantasy makin' out  @ the backseat of Victory Liner Baguio City bound :) ... you say, you know, they always turn the lights off  somewhere half way though the trip.  I promised to bring you to a good doctor when you get here.  Check on your persistent headaches.  Then we go to Palawan.  Have Starbucks coffee with Weng in Tagaytay City.  Attend my high school reunion, you my imported escort :)  Our room next  to Dognuts at Seorabeol. (you'd love my friends, they're just like me, only better :) )

And that sweet little baby girl.   You said you've always wanted the name Mikaela.  I wanna her call Pixie (this I never get to tell you).  Start our life together.  Just the thought was already bliss.

We were so happy.  I was so at peace.  Finally I am with someone I'd always wanted to have since 6th grade.  A feeling that started like a stranger to me.  And even when I thought it was gone and forgotten, buried by 3 decades of lives lived separately.   You know,  I've met a few of my past loves, men I used to love, liked and desired in different stages of my life.  The feelings were gone.  Some parts of our memories lost unintentionally in oblivion.    But us ...  suddenly, we were put together, one night,  back in each other's lives.   And I am so  sure that dusty cobwebbed space in my heart  was meant for you all these times.   It was not meant for anyone else, not even for the one I married.  You got in easily, gracefully, like you own it.  You fit perfectly in it.

Then I am so sure.  Then it is not a hasty generalization.  I want to be with you.  My remaining days I want to spent with you.  Like watch the sunset together, my head on your shoulder, I hold your hands so tight just before I close my eyes.  I love you.  I want to leave this world ahead of you but with you.

It doesn't make sense how fate played with us like fools.

I just know, I died before I was 42.

*The End*

Print Screen of my first posted article  2 Definitely Filipino

Fave Threads in FB I

 That Philippine Tattoo Show , that would have been the perfect time and venue  to get tat st'awberri, upper right back jusz below mah shoulder blade ... or daisy chains on my ankle ... and somebody's name on white ink ... all the best tattoo artists are under one roof ... including my favorite one from up North :)

this kind of chain but smaller, daintier some place else

white ink arrgghghhh

this is me with my strawberries

that place where it hurts the most in fiercest ink --- white

One of my bragging rights that triggered a lengthy thread @gypsytales some 2 weeks after that decision (again) and cemented another brick on the wall that grows taller and taller in each passing day.

I share for 2 reasons, one -for lessons learned (to be learned), two - for that body of lovely words (a writer is always always a sucker for words)  ... for the substance and the mundane ... read on ...

• • (Joey Boy sez Like ahuh) :)
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    Elma Gregorio- Selvido Ako Irmz malapit na may basbas na ni Mr...wala pa nga lang design..he.he.he..

    September 18 at 6:17pm · Unlike · 1
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    Irma Vanta-Merza san mo ba gusto palagay ... i must say, getting a tattoo is a tough decision, you really really have to be into it to allow yourself to get butchered LOL

    September 18 at 6:31pm · Like
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    Elma Gregorio- Selvido I know.It's on my bucket list..I'd like to try things i am afraid of...I don't want to reach 50's and realized gusto ko palang magpatatoo, himatayin na ako, or go bungee jumping baka magkalasog lasog na ako,scuba diving baka hindi na ako makaahon nun, try triathlon baka sakaling maging finisher pa ako at this age and the most cute thing i want to do is to dance with my partner...ha.ha.ha...

    September 18 at 6:38pm · Unlike · 1
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    Irma Vanta-Merza Waaaa extreme sports, ang hihirap naman gusto mo mare. Ako naman eh simple lang bucket list ko :) the more mundane ones lyke … get serious with cooking, learn to décor and bake fondant cakes, learn to crochet, do and get dirty with watercolor paintings and pottery, play the guitar, complete a 3K run at the very least ahahaha, start my fairy garden, begin writing that novel, have my tongue pierced, and enlist myself as an organ donor. I’ve got hurdle points, too. Tough ones, cant do on my own. I leave em to God.

    September 19 at 1:07pm · Like
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    Elma Gregorio- Selvido Ha.ha.ha...Irmz, I've already got silver for our 5k run marathon...kaya i'd like to upgrade myself...he.he.he...In fairness, cute ng mga nasa bucket list mo.It shows the romantic side of you..Well if you think i can help you in any way, just dial my no. I'll be there..Promise

    September 19 at 2:38pm · Unlike · 1
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    Irma Vanta-Merza I have your no, if its still the same? My new cp nos. you can find in my fb profile, di ko kasi memorize ahahaha (always senior moments LOL) so i jusz advise my network to get from my profile.

    September 19 at 11:02pm · Like
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    Elma Gregorio- Selvido He.he...nagpalit na po ako ng cp..09228625969..

    September 20 at 11:37am · Like
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    Irma Vanta-Merza hi elms .. noted. ill delete na your old number. and please feel free to save my numbers from my profile.

    September 21 at 11:25am · Like
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    Elma Gregorio- Selvido Yah, I will. lagi naman. it happens that I never had a chance to call you..

    September 21 at 11:47am · Like
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    Irma Vanta-Merza text me first before you call, in case you need me. lam mo naman minsan toxic sked ko :)

    September 21 at 11:49am · Like
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    Elma Gregorio- Selvido Ha.ha.ha...Yah I know...Busy sa lovelife lol!...

    September 21 at 12:03pm · Like
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    Irma Vanta-Merza Elma Gregorio- Selvido .... ahaha busy at many many things except that ... i'm too cynical about love, and too lazy for relationships ... i learned my lesson, he was a good teacher :)

    September 23 at 3:53am · Edited · Like
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    Elma Gregorio- Selvido Hey, be optimistic about LOVe...ha.ha.ha.....In a relationship, you've got to let it flow as it is.Just sing the song "Will of the Wind"...he.he.he...Life experiences will always be a good teacher.Think the positive side of it...Keep smiling

    September 24 at 9:55am · Unlike · 1
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    Irma Vanta-Merza dunno. there was this guy.cant say i wont like him cant say i wont fall. but when he asked me to give it a chance, all i said was, if its within my power, gagawin ko lahat para umiwas. you know, when i get heart broken , I get a bit* fucked up (* bit re-defined as really bad kind of bit :) ). I have a daughter who needs a mother, I cant afford fuck ups. Not again. That little boy from my past, I want that my last. :)

    September 25 at 8:24am · Like
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    Elma Gregorio- Selvido Only time can tell my dear Irmz..Who knows that little boy from your past is indeed your last..Keep smiling my friend.

    September 25 at 6:17pm · Unlike · 1
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    Irma Vanta-Merza 6 years ago, I must admit that I was longing for it. You know, The One, finally :). So akala ko naman kasi, eto na si The One :) Eh hindi pa rin pala. I went to a twirl then a rebound. :(Just to forget. But that didnt help even. it's different now, nawalan na talaga ako ng gana. Siguro dadaan lang ang panahon na ganun. Ayus lang. As I always say, I can live with that. Kesa damputin na naman ako sa kangkungan. Kahiya na sa anak ko.

    September 27 at 1:09am · Like
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    Elma Gregorio- Selvido Ha.ha.ha...A good heart will always have a happy ending...Kaya dont worry ang ending mo "is to live happily ever after"