Tuesday my voice started to break-up. I was in the office. I was confrontational. If i let this pass, I dunno how else I can respect myself. I wanted her to know, I wanted him to know. You just don't do this to anyone. And not to me. I did not wrong anybody And even if I did. I don't deserve this. So jusz the both of them know.
Same night I was out. :) ... I wanted to cry. I dunno what happened. ... that turned out to be a really good night, we laughed and laughed ... God sent someone to snatch me away from that miserable feeling, which i know was tentative but it did really hurt so bad. I got prayers and good wishes from true friends, too. Many thanks.
I lost my voice for the next two days. Flu so loving me ... it was back for the next two days. So there, I was back in the arms of my little miss reluctant nurse Sophie. We spent the two days with Ghost Whisperer re-runs, pizza and junk food.
So by Friday, I was so well-rested. I like it when my voice sounds a little edgy, i think its sexy. I tried to keep myself busy but I went home early. And posted something inspirational at blender. i particularly like the last line, "am dropping it." It read "conviction" this time. I'll go through it again in case of relapse. The usual me, I begun planning my next couple of days and months with urgency. I feel like losing a little direction on the novel am doing ... so ama wanna try Keel's meantime. A little bit structured, yes, am not fond of "structures" but it wont hurt. Keel's a visionary writer, i find his works unconventional. Ill try with the easy ones first :) ... clincher part is on the latter part. Am building up my courage for those parts. It gets juicier by the pages :). Keel's definitely going to keep me loaded those days.
Those days. I have seen the Sixth Sense 3 to 4 times in my current lifetime :). It felt so real for a ghost story when you have Bruce Willis in a non-daredevil role. :) "Seeing things you wanted to see. And not see the ones you dont wanna see." The door won't open not because its locked. There was a desk blocking it. That desk that wasn't there before. And not because today you were being ignored. But because in some people's lives you simply stop existing. I felt 100 lbs lighter. I was like a balloon, and the air lifting me up, up and away. I always say acceptance is key. It's hard to start without it. In fact, you can't start without it. It's not pessimism. I know I am not like that. It's the truth. The truth sucks, I fuck up with truths some times, but it's the truth. It's such a big word. :)
Those days. No coming around, virtual and real terms. Not to get an attention. But the reality is, I have never existed. All but figments of my imagination. It was crystal clear. And even if it was all over my face, I miscalculated it, I misinterpreted. There was nothing but a desk blocking a door. Good as dead. I wander like a spirit who passed centuries ago. Wild grasses on my tombstone. My epitaph torn and worn. Passersby and strangers. I was a nobody. Skeletal remains not good enough for archeology. I rot down there just like the millions who were gone first. Such useless cadavers deserve no memory.
Seven days of too much movies equals finding Citizen Cope's. Easy listening. I so love so love so love so love Santana! Sounds good. Ghostown was cute. It's final ~~ ama certified Greg Kinnear groupie ;)
Saturday i packed my little fairy and rubber duckies ... I promise to bring them back until I get that scrollwork shelf, whitewashed and rustic, from Papemelroti. Coming Wednesday, before Bok's and Pareng Allan's wedding anni swimming party, me and maweng Jen, placing order, and some red pesto, that gigantic kiss burger, fresh tomato soup, and hot choc'late and coffee at Chocolate Kiss, Korbens :). 31st of March, it's half-day, payday, a long holiday, March is when the last leaf falls, and when the old pavement cracks.
The seventh day was continuation of my Friendster migration to FB. So then I found and learned about my blogspot's new profile pic. The original Strawberry Shortcake poster :) .... It was soooooo deliciously beautiful!
So this day of the Lord went with lots of sleep, horror movies, coke zero, ascorbic acid (thanks to Jen for my Fern C supply), cleaning up of blinds and table top blings, a little coordination work for the GMA Trade Party, PEP talk with 13-year old about spirituality, my take on getting emotional with God, and why i prefer a very private relationship with Him. So I told her, mom's elemental. Sometimes a fairy, most of the time ama witch. I am always a vagabond. I prefer freedom to make choices, I leave destiny to God. I am never cut to be coming religious but deep down I know I am very spiritual. My God perfectly knows that. So then, the two of us, mother and daughter, preparing for a picnic for Earth Hours.
Dinner by 7:30 pm. My room's airconditioning was turned-on at 16 degrees centigrade hehe. My full bath by 8:00 pm. I posted a brief reminder for all my friends in FB to observe 60 minutes of duskiness so all FBs must be turned-off. I got a little resistance from a few of them. The lights off but the FBs on ... how's that for saving energy and Mommy Earth.
8:30 pm ... pitch black in my house. i got my scented candles and my little fairies, a board game, my yellow sarong, my lilac fan, a little help from my just-airconditioned room. a sweet picture of me and Sophie playing Monopoly.
Lennis finally asking me out. I said, "I dont go out on weekends." He said we can work out a schedule on a weekday. I said, "lets go bring collegiate. He replied with a smiley. I said, "ama big, bad drinker." He "LOLed". I said again, "I am a self-confessed hermit. I dont think anyone can get me out of my cave." "If I need to drag you, I will," he said.
I am a difficult witch. And that's legendary. So I'd say, "kudos for mustering the courage, man!"
I opened my YM this morning, and found offline messages from Dianni. She gave me a link ... according to her, this could be the answer, she called them "trolls" who been hounding me in Friendster. She said she hated me going away ... closing down a site she knows that was very dear to me. She also me texted me Friday. What else can I say but thanks. Am breakin' the bread, honey.
Twelve days. Those days. Since my last cigarette. Bob Marley resting steady lazy inside my vanity closet.
Delicious life, really.
