The fall from Grace

People are needy in general.  I used to be too.  After a failed marriage and a failed after marriage, I guess, it’s human nature to long for  a relationship, something, anything.  Or may be just regular sex.  Or may be just missing sex.  There’s gotta be a need.  So after Dennis, there was Panyong and Dresden, some times cute, some times sweet, nevertheless, all failed attempts.  For some closure, in case anyone of these three men are reading this entry, my-after-marriage relationships were all borne out of need, must say.  I was too obsessed to prove something at least to myself, that somehow I can get a decent, mature,  mutually satisfying  really deep connection with the opposite sex.  I rigidly worked on that for a time.

So what is this all about?  Addressing a need?  Finding the One?  Keeping the One?  Losing the One?  I learned about their story.  And love as a convenient excuse.  And how cunning and selfish we become.  We fulfill a need all for all the wrong reasons.  I thought it was too juvenile, and yet we still behave carelessly like that at mid life.

Coupling.  That was sweet.  Too sweet.  Too all over the place.  What we display publicly, I hope, is real in private.  Not just private intimate moments, but alone time moments.  Just between you and your bed sheets if bed sheets is your conscience is like between you and your God.  That’s what I meant, when I say private.

I remember Science High School.  We were Seniors, and they were like a bunch of cute brainy kids.  I remember Cindy.  I love Cindy.  I so wanted her for my little sister.  We were such smart brats, and we mutually adored each other.  Who else were there?  Dognuts’ siblings.  Nat’s Joy and Arlene’s Tino.  Oh, well she, she was unknown, just sayin’. 

So that figures each time she gets a little fidgety, pushy to the point of aggression lol.  She is over the top.  She goes overboard.  Too much accolade can become hideous.  Makes me question sincerity.   I questioned that from the very beginning.  Too much of pretty is pompous, especially when there’s lack of it, I mean pretty ;).  Then there’s about breeding and intelligence.  I don’t know if you’d agree with me.  A face can have a makeover but what’s underneath the skin must be really really deep --- and that’s about upbringing and wit. You can fake it, yes, but easily recognizable.  Actually, it’s a give away. Just sayin’

So she’s got like this other account.  Not fool proof enough.  How could you now fool proof it, you silly silly gurl :)).  I chanced upon it on a single day and I immediately knew what was coming. When you lie about something, I mean really serious, justice operates in such a way, that one day that shit is gonna stink, and there’s nothing you can do anymore.  She shouted to the world, to his family, to her friends that she loves him, yet there’s somebody else.  Technically, she cheated on him.  Honestly, that’s not love.  That’s “need” workin’ desperately on her arse lol.

His hands’ ain’t clean either. His term of endearment is one size fits all.  He’s got replacements haging neatly in his closet.  He prolonged it so he searches.  What used to be a want, may be, is now a need, a big bad void of a need.  Just exactly how many hearts did he leave broken?    What goes around comes around. Loneliness catches up with you in old age.  This is the example the next generation gets.  It’s in the bloodline now.   Men like this just got too much love to give.   Love as a need.   Then the world is in chaos.  (and I’m warning my daughter as fast as I can lmao).

It only takes two people to degrade love, all its strength, and beauty and meaning.    Dalawang taong sigurista at oportunista.  Two utilitarians, who need love more than want it.

At one place, and time.  Here, love lies.

Para kay Olav ...

I ran to church yesterday morning.  I had so many things to say.  But did not have the courage to speak them one by one.   Scorned and shamed.  I was tongue tied before God.   It was communion Sunday --- a celebration when God's is most forgiving.  And all that I said was, "Lord, you know why I'm here".  

I took an emergency call in the middle of the Service.  There was trouble and it was a close call.  

People can change over time.  Many times we have to walk away even from those we deeply care about.  There are many reasons why.  Pain is one of them.    I guess it's not fair to say that just because you left it meant you didn't love the other person as much as the one who held on.  Lest we forget that pain hits the most silent, vulnerable core of our being.  That core we hide from the world or sometimes we even deny to our  very selves.  It gives way, and destroys the best parts of our being. You know the best parts that we've struggled and labored to put together for a long period of time, like a lifetime.  Pains sifts through it easily like hard water in pavement cracks,   Those little fractures on seemingly cemented grounds,  we thought were harmless ... can bring down a fortress.

That kind of destruction is viral.  It infects the innocent lives that surrounds us.  And yes, even the very source of that hurt. The circles of influence.   There is no antidote.  There is no balm.  None to a heart that is broken, and that kind of pain and sadness that comes from it.    Nobody knows when it stops. We just hope that one day it will go away. 

That's when you pack your things, and leave.  It's heavy huh walking away with that big big suitcase full of regrets.  So it's not that you didn't love her enough.  But because you will destroy her even more after you have become the person  badly destroyed by that pain she caused you.  She was hard water, you've got pavement cracks, don't let your Kingdom go down to the grounds, and let all your broken  pieces swallowed up in the big ocean.  She needs you whole, and in good working condition.  So may be some other time huh.  May be not today.  Not this Sunday.

Or may be never, too.  We can't tell.  But from this destructive situation,  you saved yourself.  You saved her, too.  I will not question your feelings for her.  But may be, sometimes, it's not all about that.

We love people.  They break our trust.  We leave.  Should we go back because we still love them  but not trust them.  Of course, we can.  But I suggest we don't.  Not until we are ready  to trust them again, that innocent, that pure, that immaculate, may be not that kind anymore, the same way we trusted them the first time.  But that just-let-it-go kind, like i-wanna-do-this-again kind of trust.  But if we can't do like-kinda trust,  will see tables turned.  And we'd end up hurting them in return.  So, rather not.   Love without  trust  is like  playing catch a grenade.  And isn't it that love and pain and love and pain is such a vicious cycle.  We go round and round in circle until we trip,  and lose ourselves in the process.

How then?  I don't know.  Dunno when.  May be soon, later or never.  I dunno how.  May be after we've processed our pain, and heal.  Then may be we're ready to go trusting people again, even strangers, even those who once broke our hearts.  

I promised to pray for them.  I did.   It was communion Sunday --- a celebration when God is most gracious.  Dear Lord, healing please to friends torn between leaving and tearing each other apart. 

Here's to Olav.