here's a bunchies ...

one month and still ... :(

Alice Blue Facebook October 2015

Damn FB Freakin me out!!!  This account has been deactivated for the longest time.  Then suddenly I'm getting notifications for comments and messages ...  suddenly Alice Blue is on air ... and it is ... WTF!

Destine's Will's fault ... he got me into this second account.  But that's water under the bridge.  I put everything else behind us now, Destine and Will.  I've crossed over since then. Gone back.  Old loves.

Excuse me ... adik lang po sa pag deaktivate at mamblock pero indi naman ako si madame chekwang schizo para madameng papalit palit na fb acounts hehe ... 

Facebook* October 2015

hindi pa kaya ... hindi pa din kaya ... minsan iniisip ko sana ... noon pa na block mo na lang ako ... nakatulong ka pa ...not because you cared about me  (knowing you never did) ... just may be doing your batchmate a little favor ... sana lang ... but even that it's quite late by now.

goin down, closin down

*kaya ayokong bumabalik sa FB eh, naiinis ako sa yo, kasi mamimiss lang kita lalo tapos wala naman katuturan yon ... ang ending magagalit na naman ako sa sarili.   

x

Tuesday night, or was that Wednesday before the break of dawn. Twas barely 2 Am, you woke me, I ended up coughing my lungs out.

I cut ties with everyone.  Just as planned so I did.  You, and your cold knife.  Me an all fucked  up fool.  eHs.

Minsan na nga lang ako managinip.  Ganito pa.

On my way home, Wednesday night.   Another bus ride.  And that scene in my head playing over and over again,  like I was centerfold in my little dream novel.  Tearfully triggering asthma.

Thursday evening running late for home.  and close to bringing myself to DLSUMC ER.

Friday morn.  officially sick ageyn.  facebook revived temporarily.
(dang, how could you be oh soooo sweet, and caring, and thougthful and all that ---  you jusz know exactly when and where to hit me huh ... go for the kill baby go!)
   

grateful still

Of course, I am grateful.  When people are nice to me, do nice things for me. of course, I recognize and appreciate their kind, sweet gestures.  Ang ingrata ko naman if I'd be mean to people who do me favors.

Then again, let's not lose sight of the shore. Let's put things in the right context,  uhhmmm, in their proper places, too.

People who do nice things is different from really nice people.  I mean, these two are from different tribes.  Or, in "logic" terms,  not all people who are sugar, spice and everything nice are good people.  On the other hand, in terms of "universal truths",  all nice people are sincerely willing and able to be nurturing, do nice, great things and stuff ... and sustain it even.

We know for a fact that there are intentions and reasons, factors, situations and all the justifications etc etc behind nice things.  Some people thrive on this.  The good seeds with their right hearts  in placed, they marvel on  kindness, righteousness, principles, values, sometimes circumstances make things harder, complicated, a painful process ...  but they do good anyway.

I'm writing this because I was asked a question.  My answer was fast and firm.  This ...

I'd rather be in company of nice, good people.  I am sure they'd do nice, good, kind, sweet things and more for me.  Guaranteed.  The other kind, with all the fancy, pompous blah blah, nothing but flimsy.

grateful still.

Baby ko

Missing our baby.  Namiss ko na to katabi matulog  kahit 3AM nagigising for milk at 5 AM pa ulit matutulog :-)  I think am gonna buy this little lady a cowgirl dress for the Halloween.

SLUMBER MODE

thumb suck and leg swings (mana sa tita ... pampatulog hihi) ...

... alam na ang kasunod na eksena.  ayus di ba. :)

lucky teddy

partners in crime

PLAYTIME

ain't she a hungry baby

brush on baby brush on

naglalaro, nakaduster haha .... our baby's busy in her play area, her most fave spot in the house 

FAMILY BONDING

my 45th bday celeb with fam ... some strollin' (pig out dinin, a little shoppin and plenty of Hailey hihi) @Ayala Malls Serin, Tagaytay City

oh my the weight of those cheeks (and chin), too

she's a happy baby, doesn't get overwhelmed too easily 

Hail our Hailey!  Here hugging her daddy as we celebrate her 1st bday party last May at McDo, Tanza. 

photobomb gulong gulong while mommy doin her regular dose of selfie hehe

haha eto sakto ... irita si Hailey sa outfit ni Ate Sophie.  Ate Sophie's mom (ME!!!!) mas irita!!!

MANA SA TITA IRMA ;-)

Tita started with storybooks, too :) 

Such a haven for our Hailey. Cafe Mary Grace in Greenbelt 2 --- a comfy, roomy playpen with lotsa toys and BOOKS! 

a book in hand ... and that (naughty) look up to no good --- so very Tita Irmay-ish

Alice Blue**

Lyke hotcakes ;-) ... jusz uploaded some of my recent selfies in a new album I'm calling, Alice Blue (comin' after my photo album, Unpretty) ... guess where .... Facebook*.



*still my reliable repository of memories, yeah, that's it ... repository, all that.

Mostly taken in my office, sa hotels,  sa Flower Farm sa Tagaytay, pati na sa waxing salon ... actually kung saan saan haha ... cute ni rubber duckie ...

**Wikipedia says, This particular shade of blue is also referred as white-blue (or blue-white) and ice/icy blue, due to its very pale coloration which includes a hint of green— as does actual ice.  is a pale tint of azure that was favored by Alice Roosevelt Longworth, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt, which sparked a fashion sensation in the United States.  The hit song "Alice Blue Gown", inspired by Longworth's signature gown, premiered in Harry Tierney's 1919 Broadway musicalIrene. 

On its 25th founding anniversary, CITEM gave away Alice Blue handmade soy candles.  I got one.  

This writer's, one too many monickers, in fact one of her favorites.   If I'd have one more daughter, I'd name her, Alice Blue.

not craZybeautiful

inspiration.  is like air.  it's everywhere.  an idea is born anywhere by anyone.   anything that infects us is inspiration.  you like it or not, it is.

there are times i want to give up on her.  she floats.  she say things.  things in her head.  or in her heart.   or head.  or heart.  head.  heart.  all mixed up.  messed up.  not in gorgeous chaos ... all the while i though she was.

extreme.  anything. too much, too less.  anything "beyondiest".  you know, what i mean about limits. when i speak about this, i don't mean, being regular, median, of mere compliance, or just meeting requirements.  these are stand alone phrases.  i write these words, and think of "mediocre".  i don't want mediocre even.  who likes "so so" anyway.  i dunno with you guys.  i'm not "average".  in my heart i know i'm not.  we may have different standards, but we set the bar using low, middle, high ... and with different grades in between.   and life.  life's not about black and white and gray.  it's a rainbow!  it's the complete color wheel.  life is a like a box of crayola, with all 64 colourful waxies with built in sharpener!  c'mon we should have gotten this perfectly at midlife.  we may be torn and worn but please don't be a run-off-the-mill.  life is hard and complex as it is, please don't make it lackluster.

i was worried.  she got me worried.  i saw the signs.  i tried so hard to analyze.  to justify.  to give reasons to each and every single manifestation.  i read about this, online and offline.  i didn't study this.  i am not a professional.  i just cared but my skills were crude.

in this country,  something goes haywire.  people don't go to shrinks.  they turn to religion.   but this piece is not what you're thinking it is.  i'm not here to get controversial with science and God.   but what i'm gonna say is, i find it alarming, to the point of questioning, when people, even my own family and friends, regardless if they are in trouble or not,  become too intoxicated with religion.  too attached to it,  that they give biblical connotations to just about anything, simple or complicated.  they always find a connection.  too much attempt to connect that you even have to dissect the whole situation in order to understand it, and even turn everything else upside down, just to get the idea.  it's like getting into circles.  and losing yourself.  somewhere in the middle of all the points of so called connection. they say it is salvation,  i agree.  but too much of it.  is escape.

escape.  from our indecision.  wrong choices.  indiscretion.  poor judgment.  either we are passing the buck to God, feign our responsibility with the concept of "God's testing us".  or indulge ourselves in the idea that Somebody Greater than us will cleanse us, transform us, heal, restore.  turn all the bad into good.    God is our Balm.  i agree.  but too much of it.  is insane.

in our own make shift spiritual-trying-to-be-righteous-and therefore-holy self --- is a selfish, irresponsible, pretentious human being.  who refuses to take accountability for his/her reckless, self-centered behavior, and pretends everything is alright when everything is not alright.  who attends mass, one, two, three times a week but has no friends, in the real sense of the word ... abuses power and authority, corrupts mind, steals time and money,   who gives tithes and offerings, and regards marriage as vow made with whom, but another irresponsible, emotionally abusive partner of his/her choice, and incapable of decent parenting.  one who helps shepherd a congregation, and recites the bible like she co-authors it but lie to her teeth, put people down, shatter dreams.  We use God as a cover up for all these and more.  we allow ourselves to abuse Him each time we do not use, conscientiously, the gift He gave us, the gift of free will, so we can choose to do what is right, not what is too much.

so what's next to an intoxication like this one --- from peachy to preachy ...  from exciting to boring ... from witty to a dead sense of humor .... from a confident, genuinely independent woman to someone who needs everyone else's approval ... a stranger to her very self.

idealism is admirable when you're in your twennies.  damn, ain't we look funny still  wearin' it by the neck in midlife.  do you really really wanna be caught dead with it?  wearin' like life has not taught us anything about reality.

remember, your best nature, yo don't lose it, not by chance, not by intention, not by accident.  it goes with your ups and downs, it fades in different shades, but never leaves you. (i'm talking best qualities here, not the worst ones).

so my dear friend, what you are now, after a span of 2 years, either this is not you or this is the real you.

your call.

  

Borne from the "inspiration".  This blog.  This poetry.

From IrMa to Jane Doe, Faded Purple was my last entry.  Inspired by, sadly, a good friend of mine.  
'cuz me, i'd be an old lady who will be wearin' all shades of purple ;-) 

another first.  lovelace1970 is a license plate of either a lemon yellow or royal blue vintage truck.  craZybe!   

PHOTO CREDITS:  blue candles from http://www.liveservegrow.info

Footprints in the sand ...

I got three things today.

First,  my best girl's birthday 3rd of October, my lifelong friend, Jomat.  She's gone through a lot these past 4 years, her shaky marriage, from Gapo to Sydney, which eventually ended up in a quiet divorce, she taking  the helm in raising her 4 daughters (not much diff really), from Gapo to Sydney, pre and post divorce (I  am actually saying this in a good way :-)  ), our beloved Mame fighting cancer, bravely and gracefully.  Like many of us, it wasn't an easy life, but it wasn't bad either  My friend, she's  made of good stuff.    I will always remember her in our youth, in our typical day at school, naka uniform ng Jackson, hinahanap yung mga crushes nya sa paligid ligid ng school lol, our  funny, loving, taray, smart Jomat, now, wittier, nurturing, fiercer, practical and still intelligent.   Torn and worn, in her journey  (like we all are).  She gets better (not everyone does).    

God blessed me with you friendship, my dear Joms.  I thank God.  I thank you.

Jomat and I, we got each others back.  From the time I was 13 and she was 14.  I am now 45, and she,  46 today.   Isn't that wonderful?

Second, been under the weather.  I'm a good girl who stopped seeing her Internist.  Dunno, I just don't wanna go back to this year's first quarter of me shuttling back and forth to the DLSUMC ... my blood chem looks OK except for hayyyy ... 

Nah, I will not allow this feverish feeling to get the best of me overnight, I need to be in Church tomorrow, somebody needs prayers ...

Dear Me, God heals.  love always, Self

Third ...  each time, before I end a prayer, at Church or elsewhere,  I say your name, each time, and ask God to bless you with a good life.  (You don't need to know that I am praying for you, I don't need to know that you do, know , that I really pray for you, for as long  as, you get the answer to my prayers.  That's all that matters.) 

"Nothing proves that you love someone more than mentioning them in your prayers."  I bring you and your family, in God's embrace.  Amen.  Amen.  Amen.

Take a shower.  Wash off the day.  Drink a glass of water.  Make the room dark.  Lie down  and close your eyes.  Notice the silence.  Notice the beating of your heart.  Still beating.  Still fighting.  You made it, after all.  You made it another day.  And you can make it one more.  You're doing just fine,    

Ang Huling El Bimbo*

Paglipas ... Paglisan

*borrowed lines from Eraserheads