Sorry. No. Bee. Leave me alone! Iridescent. Whole landscape. And that last line ...

(jusz becoz I've been watchin' re-run of my forever favorite movies.  it's a long holiday.  only be back for office on the 3rd.  the last two days were Notting Hill, Chasing Liberty and Dirty Dancing:  Havana Nights.  earlier today was A walk to Remember. and then this.  I loved this movie so much that this was the third time I was writing about it.  The first time was a reference.  The second time was a few months after that tragedy.  This, the third, I drafted 5 - 6 years ago.  I just thought, may be the timing's perfect, it get's posted in its original form, I am retaining the title, too.

I don't even remember why i wrote it this way.  I took the lines and placed them not in the same order as they were in the book or in the film.  I took the words for the title, key words, to remind this writer why she wrote it this way.

'Must say, I still love happy endings tho, especially, in the movies.)


Bryce Loski: Juli, I'm sorry.
Juli Baker: No. You're not.

Garrett: Hey! Have you flipped? Whats the matter with you?

Garrett: Are you freaking mental? Juli Baker? You hate her.
Bryce Loski: That's whats so weird, I don't think I do.

Bryce Loski: There was a... bee in her hair.
Dana Tressler: There's no bee.

[Bryce enters the second grade classroom]
Young Juli: Bryce! You're here!
[runs up and tries to hug him]

Juli Baker: Bryce, you should come up here. It's so beautiful.

Bryce Loski: All I ever wanted was for Juli Baker to leave me alone.

Juli Baker: His hair smelled just like watermelon.

Chet Duncan: Some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss; but every once in a while, you find someone who's iridescent, and once you do, nothing will ever compare.

Juli Baker: I guess it's something about his eyes or maybe his smile.
Richard Baker: And what about him?
Juli Baker: What?
Richard Baker: You have to look at the whole landscape.
Juli Baker: What does that mean?
Richard Baker: A painting is more then the sum of it's parts. A cow by itself is just A cow. A meadow by itself is just grass, flowers. And the sun picking through the trees, is just a beam of light. But you put them all together and it can be magic.

Bryce Loski: Flat, glossy, iridescent? What the hell does that mean? Juli Baker has always seem plain to me. Until now.

Dana Tressler: The only bee your attracting is B-R-Y-C-E. I'm telling you, that boy is lost in Loveland.

Bryce Loski: The way she ignore me was a constant reminder that I've been a jerk.

... another dream ... another Christmas ...

.... because i want to see you ...

Facebook Moments

#hugotLines  #Catunaosiblings  #selfExplanatory  

Dagitab:  An Ode to Middle Aged (freakin') Love  (whatever that meant)

A little bit of Janis ...

Painting.  Books.  Guitar.  Rebellious.  Unconventional.  Old fashion love. Wild old fashion makin' love.  This is us.  May be the reasons why I got so drawn into her.  The connection of alpha omega. She died over shooting heroine, that same year I was born

Of blowjobs and heartbreaks. There will always be that One Person.  Joe. Country and Li'l City.

And differences.  Distinct. Strong.

Her relentless desire for social approval.  In her younger days she was an outcast.  Well, usually in high school, either you fit in or you don't.   Hers continued until college, from dorm halls to motel rooms.  Her rockstar status changed all that.  Not until she was back in her high school homecoming, in Port Arthur.  Hometowns they have that funny way of sneakin on you ... like those ghost stories and bad dreams ... sometimes, they just don't go away no matter how far and fast you've run away from all of 'em.

A few times I ask myself, is this one of my many ways to impose my rebellious, stubborn nature.  As I either feign social approval or I simply really do  not care or I may be condescending, too.   Well, you see, while I do not belong in a rock band like she did, but the limelight, oh dear, I don't want it but its there ... I've got moments that it was just there for the taking, but then, I chose to (like I still do) snuggle safely, comfortably, sweetly to my comfort group.  A small place for a big girl.  Like in my corporate life, one of the things I still do not learn to enjoy being part of management are those dreadful events with my co-managers, MDs, Prexies, heads of agencies --- rubbing elbows during executive meetings, cocktails and dinner receptions.  In CITEM, I always will find that chance to table hop where my friends are --- all the way to the department I head, my kumares, the quiet hardworking  ladies from maintenance and the funny, very helpful gentlemen from security.

She thought and felt otherwise.  I know some people until this very day, people who crave and fight for attention.  I find it disgusting and when i say that I know that I'm being insensitive.  I don't wear their shoes,  I don't carry their chains.  I succumbed to their neediness, their suffocating clinginess, their shallow perspective of life's basics and essentials, I cave in and give them the dose of attention they need.Out of pity.  Out of temporal joy that it gives them.  I am partly responsible in creating/sustaining that illusion that at this very moment they have this overwhelming feeling of being wanted.  An apex height that melts down quickly, furiously.

Her obsession to belong was a spiral of compromises and negligence that probably drove her to heroine.  One night, she choked from her own vomit.  Still makes me wonder what ever happened to her raspy voice.

I managed my own addiction.  I was more of a rebel than a junkie.  There was more angst in me than craving.  For some reason, I guess my life line does not include being an addict. I even took charge of my own alcoholism.  And challenged my own self in overcoming a depression. I am resilient but I know when to stop.  I once said, a wise fighter is someone who knows when (and how) to quit.  I will always always come to terms with myself.  I draw the line.  I bounce. Always, always...

Twenty-seven.  Mid- twennies.  Prelude to that.  Been there, done that, too.  It's always a phase.  Just a phase we all go through. Perhaps if she was able to surpass that stage or outlive it, she'll be sober looking back at 35 or 40 years.  But she didn't.

I'm still here.  Writing my pages.  Forty six and staring at my more or less 27 year old self.

This was my first photo of her,already internet days..

Beltin Ball & Chain, one of my fave performance of Janis at the Monterey Fest.  Check out, Cry Baby, too.

All about Janis

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/music/artists/janis-joplin-why-she-still-has-a-piece-of-our-heart/

http://www.countryjoe.com/autobio.htm

http://www.janisjoplin.com/index.php

.... that you and i could never, Joe and Pearl

Surviving Friday

Outrageous  dreams. Don't you get that each time.

I wasn't really thinking about that just before bedtime.  But the beating and the trauma,  or may be it has been embedded subconsciously ...

Friday morning, 7th of October.  This was how I remember everything., may be because this was how I want things to be, hope them to be ... I keep dreaming you  know.

"Somebody was sorry and trying to make up.  The other one gave in easy.   I was torn for awhile but in the end you knew who I went for."

But you see, lessons were taught and learned, hard and tedious as they were, the redeeming factor is that people can actually turn it around and learn from their misfortunes so they wouldn't have to go through the same ordeal again. The signs are blinking and you  know it.

We can recall, sometimes in details, what we just dreamed about because, dream occurs not during deep sleep but when we are nearly waking up, REM stage.  Memory of that brain activity still fresh.

Last Friday, that was the dream I woke up to.   And this was how it ended ...

You were holding my hand like a clasp, exactly like you said you wanted to do with me  before when we were still talking, and me still in the spiral ... and I was like a puppy kissing your big, round and brown cheeks, you know that part with your famous trademark mole which' I've always find sexy (I still do) --- that you didn't know and will never but what do you care.

It was that moment with you, and then there was this voice, fainted but firm. "Remember what he did to you."*




*i brought this with me the whole day friday.  and survived it. like i always do

the best thing about China

In the last 12 years, I was there about 3 or 4 times.  US bound-stopover in Hongkong, not counted :)

Almost 48 hours flying, waiting, running, scaring myself like hell crazy in between aircrafts and airport lounges.  Forty six years and an experienced traveler, that was (still) traumatic. 

I stayed in Futian Shangri-la, no cable TV, no facebook, no viber, no IG, nothing google, a handful of English-speaking Chinese.

And BeVee so full of himself, throwing hissy fits like a 2-year old.

This, was the one and the only redeeming factor.

So the best thing about China ---- Lenka!

#trulyAsia

... looks lyke i'm beginning to enjoy KL

aboard MH 705, this kept me company.  Thanks to a co-bookworm, this got a new home in my closet ;-)

Lenka was onboard and so was the rest of my crew. :)

Touch down baby!  Room 1110.

Looks lyke a Special Setting but this was the hotel lobby.  So avanty-ish.

I called this the "Benetton" cabinet.  It stands by the foyer jusz before my hotel room.

#iLovebig(wooden)beds!

This is my favorite spot --- the bath. Look at the interiors,  squared "stoney-ish" Jerusalemic ;-), laid neatly on the walls where regular bathroom tiles are usually installed.   So cool and unique, this concept.   

Ok, this week was certified cheat week.   Last night I had two glasses (short ones) of vodka.  Still sober.    and this, hot signature, my 2nd for the week, 5 shots (instead of 8) of choc'late mix, no whip, jusz non-fat milk.   fair nuff, huh.   

inflight movie was pretty somethin'  ---- you know, the search, far, wide and all that somethin you dunno. :(

and my short (er) hair, boho tops and  red oversized shades jusz pulling it off ;-)

my OSTD, my LSS --- check out Paper Towns soundtrack --- fresh and hippie.

somethin about Tu'son :-)

July 30,  Facebook, a touch of electropop got me ... there you go ... some nice DJ job .... and really great storytellin'


So baby pull me closer in the backseat of your Rover.  That I know you can't afford.
Bite that tattoo on your shoulder./  Pull the sheets right off the corner.
Of the mattress that you stole.  From your roommate back in Boulder.  We ain't ever getting older. 

We ain't ever getting older!!!

Lat night in Facebook, this was on fireeeee  ....

He'a got shy green eyes and long lashies.  Halsey was such a tease with her flesh brassier and painted skin!  And yes, I agree, there was chemistry there ... Ahuh ...

and can i say, Drew's low raspy voice is sooooooo sexy arrggghhhh.  Halsey's tone's edgy.  Watch her (at 2:03) say, "four years no call, and now i'm looking pretty!!!! in a hotel bar."  Lyke a boss ei this Halsey girl!

their contrasting selves, they blend so naturally.  and yeah, that's chemistry to me.  alchemy.
(and alex pall, yeah, alex, he didn't mind ... he's a self confessed slave to his girlfriend .... woohoo LOYAL MEN ARE HOT MEN!, jusz cryin out loud!)

... and guess what's playing in my iphone when you ring me up ....

Did you see the rainbow ... ?

http://irmavanta.tumblr.com/post/149606217304/that-was-a-game-that-was-joke-time-that-was

* * *
who loves me
and is proud of that
and is proud of me (the little things about me*)
is
somebody not you.




*jusz sayin', jusz so you know
i have a name and i was part of a memory

The cure for anything is salt water ...

From The Wreckage by Finn Butler
My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Finn Butler exists. For awhile i thought she was a fairy.

From the Wreckage, you have to seek high and low, to find it. You’ve got to want it so badly just to get it. Thanks to lulu.com for making Finn Butler available to the “peculiars” and the“persistents” and the "restless insomniacs". And thanks, also to House of Flair for making all these possible. It was scarce, it was a long wait, the distance it traveled made it a little pricey, but then again, because of all that, it makes it all worthwhile.

I say, we judge any written piece, never by its physical but its essential qualities. Lovely words can be fleeting when written on sands, but that’s why we crave and cave in at the slightest provacation. Some of the most fiercing stories came in less attractive packages, moved us, changed us. This came to me like I really did not expect it to be this plain, this brief. Twenty-four pages lightly covered and glued together in thin sheets of cheap paper. Honestly, it looked like a HS project, you know, but something that won the grand prize. :)

My new favorites were, Post Mortem (my current state of heart), Emptying (me, the gypsy), Gutter (the great unrequitted), Prayer (part III, twin souls). The last one brought it all down. Saltwater.

-ps-

Dear Finn, you don’t need a publisher, not even a glossy cover, nor too much words to fit 400 pages. Just keep on feeling, and putting all that down in pieces of paper, staple them together with some colored paperboard, black is alright, especially if its your favorite shade. No more preface, indexes and elaborate back cover copy ---- just stick to the core ---- go straight and bring us swiftly --- great poetry and teeny weeny stories. Your gift sets you apart my dear Finn. Please share some more.


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this made me wanna say Cheers, baby!

jusz dirty.

Dirty Pretty Things by Michael Faudet
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

It achieved the "Dirty" part of it. At least with words. But Faudet was not able to take me there, you know *wink wink. I was expecting that kind of effect on me. Considering, am the kind of woman, open to this kind of dirty. Or may be, I really lost it all. Rigor mortis frigid! LOL

I had a few favorites tho. But there were really a lot of just plain "dirty" ones. I was kinda looking for something more. And I didn't find it here. Just like Lang Leav's, her boyfriend's a bit over the top kind of overrated. At least, they're havin' really groovy sex, at their house, by the sea. Made me hate 'em even more. Arrrghhhhh

I think it's time to move on to Anain Nin ;)


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https://www.goodreads.com/irmavanta

Si Ten, Si Bey at ang mga Itim na Lobo

... yung gustong gusto kong isigaw sa buong mundo ... ... ... pero hindi ka naman maniniwala .., yan ang sabi ni Ten habang umiiyak magisa at tinitipa ang key pads, naghahanap sa isang masikip na kalawakan,  ng isang taong kailanman hindi nya na muling makikita.  Sayang.  Nasayang pati teknolohiya.

#SiTensiBeyatangmgaItimnaLobo

RIP

This is about something very important but for some reason we always end up taking for granted.  Love is in a different plateau.  This one belongs to another.  Of course, they should ALWAYS ALWAYS go together.  I know some of us wish, they don't.  Love fails miserably without this.  This one it tells you, it could be possibly love or even greater.    It works and doesn't work clearly in opposite directions .... love survives with it .... love aint, without it.    Isn't it true, a trustworthy person is endearing?

Based on my personal life experiences, this is what I have learned.

I do not subscribe that trust should be based on faith. Trusting that the other person is worth it.  That the whole journey is going to be worthwhile.  Trust in that package is the type we take for granted. Then we lose its meaning.  It's abundance makes it ordinary.  Significance is lost.  We stopped working for it, through it, in it. It's just there. And we didn' t care

Given the amount and quality of emotions invested in this exercise, all the risks and damages are most of the time miscalculated and beyond repair.   Trustworthiness requires pre-qualifications, meeting of minimum standards, solid grounds, unquestionable proofs.

Respect has got to be earned .  Love must have reasons (to think otherwise is just poetry, dear, ditch it!).  So why then do we give away trust just like that?  Hot potatoes in a bargain price.

Not that I am faithless and fragile but because at one point in my life somebody broke mine.

And that was it.  Ultimatum.  Boiling point..  The great melt down.  I now promise to hold trust sacred.  Put it on a pedestal. A sublime altar.

It will always be a work in progress.  Knowing you can lose it just one time, and never get it back in its truest meaning and form.

Remember she, that young girl frolicking sunshine barefootin' on-just-after -rain-kinda-wet grass looking pretty in her rose colored glasses is gone forever.   Dead for good.

The Good Man and the Lady

The Lady in the Van: And Other Stories by Alan Bennett
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

 I guess, no matter how this story was written by Mr. Bennett, it will be always secondary to me (at least to me). Just the thought of how this relationship begun, was formed, existed, and somehow ended was already a masterpiece. Any relationship, especially like this one and in this circumstances, the different personas, social status, personal experiences, and even the day-to-day events. the obvious, the hidden ---is of human interest. Though if it was the writer in him, or could be just him, the core of his very "person" that Mr. Bennett was able to see, to comprehend, to accept, to participate into and to appreciate whatever he had with Ms. S. Such a gift.

Thanks to the man, Alan Bennett, playwright, screenwriter, actor and author, for sharing.


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This is She, the real Ms. Mary Shepherd.  I'd like to believe that she remains a mystery until this day.

Dame Maggie Smith simply always on top of her portrayal.

My absolute admiration and respect to this generous and  kind man, Alan Bennett.

My copy, since its not available in the Philippines, I got this last June from Kinokuniya,  a local bookstore in Kuala Lumpur.

Heirloom

we come home each time one of us comes home.  sila mga taga gapo, ako lang dayo.

 my friends borne and raised in Gapo.  sila ang authentic.

Born  and partly raised in Cavite.  I moved to Olongapo City with my family when I was 9.  From then on, i was certified gapo girl by heart.

many things have changed but not much really between, amonst us.  the bond's intact and even  stronger exactly where we left off.  That was high school.  Jackson's '86 famous geeks.

hotel.  wimpy's. Smb's apple flavor beer.  junk food and plenty of wento.  :)

30 years of friendship.  no holds barred.  our hearts get splattered all over those cold walls and floors each time we hear each others sob stories.

... at akala mo nagkukwento ako ... after all these years, nung gabi lang na yun nalaman ni Ghie, ni Jeff, ni Pong.  Kulet kasi ni Jomat.  Ibenta ko na daw ang Pacquiao shoes!  Gumulong sa kama si Georgina --- natawa na lang ako.  Sabi ko that limited edition Nike Air Trainer 1.3 Max Breathe MP, will go from my deathbed straight to my casket.

http://mypixietales.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-search-for-roseman-bridge.html

and this has got to be told.  we came home with fresh glowing skins, just when you thought we were all worn and torn at 46 and 47 ....  hahahah ang magagandang aura dahil sa stress free living.

Let it be told, our carnal moments are over  ... bunnies they retired all together.  Retirement as a matter of  fact, as a matter of choice.

oh just may be, I was the first to go.  I don't do casuals, I don't do personals.  Rigor mortis.

whatever it is ... always a bliss to be with your besties.

A tribute to Riptide*

Riptide or rip tide usually means a potentially dangerous water current.

Finally.  I got my iphone a ringtone!  One for  SMS, one for call.

#♥QuentinAlexander .... and this boy got me into this ... and made me fell in love with it

#hailtheOriginal ... from Vance Joy, an Australian singer-songwriter ...oh what the heck ... I loved it, too!  

#certifiedSwiftee ... this lady led me to singing this in youtube ;-)

#Gutsy  ... this was last year ... I was busy tinkering with my Tumblr ... Taylor's version was playing and I went with it.  I call it my accidental Riptide.  And this was the Supreme Ultimate Version lol

my, this is delicious!

My naughty but very very smart and sweet niece, Hailey Ava.  She's two years old, and the kind of terrible I actually can live with.

She's the center of attention in our family.  She's got a commanding presence and she's the boss!

our little jogger

la lang jusz getting lazy

always been a fish

More reasons why i love NCIS NOLA

This my love for everything NCIS .... indie music .... and yes New Orleans!

I love NCIS NOLA  .. for the intricacies of situations, the orderliness of thing,  the system and the processes involved in coming up with resolutions ... the exercise ... the whole gamut ...  I dunno must be my covert interest on forensic science.

NCIS NOLA ....  I love the idea of Pride's home office, his kitchen and home cooking and of course his Trutone bar and all that crazy jazz!

His Team is part of his family. Which i believe has become an NCIS trademark or may be an advocacy.    Somehow, makes me miss my CITEM/ITSED family.  The last of  I ever had.  I still look forward though, but that kind is rare, there's no script that we follow.  It feels like NCIS, but it's not NCIS, it's the real thing.  They went scarce over the years, and don't come by like a breeze these days.

.... two places that fascinates me about America ... Philadelphia .... New Orleans.  The beauty of contradictions and ironies.    One for its silent sophistication, the other for its proud artistry.

And Indie music ...  are not the kind that's easy listening.  it's too deep to be easy.  they tell a story not everybody gets.

remember the good apples, they are not the ones on the ground.  you don't  pick 'em up, you need an apple box or two, and reach for 'em.  but only if you can.  for depth needs guts ;-)

... ...  don't you worry I'll always be here when you find your way ... ... .

... I see it all through a telescope, a guitar, a suitcase, and a warm coat
Lying in the back of a blue boat,  humming a tune ...

... ...  out on the sea In the doldrums waiting for ... Me in my boat searching for ... ... ... food for the bees.

... i just don't.                                                                (anymore)

Pagdalaw

Excuse me for all the typos.  I was writing this down between sleep and awake and my vision literally blurry as my tears hover on whatever was left of me.

I died 5 years ago, and  i was just a spirit. Though benevolent, is restless  Clinging to things i never had  but couldn't let go.  

Marianita

ain't a picnic
back to the meatshop
wiser, hopefully
midlife steppin out of the crisis ;-)

so now you choose between 27
and 47.

gurl, this should be an easy one.

yung madameng multong humahabol
parang five six na utang sa bumbay, ang hirap taguan, hindi mo pwedeng takasan
yung madaming issues na dapat i resolve
anak nya, anak mo, pera nya, pera mo --- ang gulo!
at ang pamosong linya, "hiwalay na kami", "hindi ko na sya mahal, respeto na lang para sa mga bata" by now alam naman natin, isa yang malaking panloloko, alam kong hindi yan madaling mapatawad
dahil ang totoo, eh hindi talaga sila separated, annulled or divorced .... magkalayo lang ...  OFW pala kasi :)
at yung physical distance, I was never wrong about that
distance, real or virtual, makes two strangers, remain strangers

So itong si Lolo, isa syang Mt. Fuji, in a bad way, ambigat nyang dalhin.
Araw araw, oras oras, kailangan mong iprove ang sarili mo sa kanya, at sya  rin sa iyo
If you choose him, be ready pronto!  to say bye bye to your once peaceful sleep ... spend more time locked up in the shower so your little boy would not have to hear your tears
your mascara expense will shoot up and your aging face smudged with it each time

So is it a question of how much he loves you
I dunno about that
I told you I stopped romanticizing ...
to them love is just spoken word, a need they are obligated to fulfill
old men are needy though they pretend so they act that they are not
sad but true, check his FB, always trying to make an impression, right?

the question you have to answer is ...
gusto mo ba ng bagahe na kasing bigat ng Mt. Fuji
are you happy?  yes, you said you found love, but you found burden, too
do you want that for your torn and worn self and that clueless child you dragged along in that mess
just because you  tried flirting with love?

gurl, i tell you this is an easy one.

he may have  a checkered past, but he can leave that behind to start a life with you
handcarry luggage lang yun that fits under the seat or in the overhead compartment, libre pa hindi masyadong malalim
but a mid-lifish bagagged man, the fact that he carried that all the way to midlife means HE FAILED to even just put it down.

let's be selfish ok, sa istorya na to dapat isa lang ang may bagahe.  ikaw.
kaya wag ka nang kumuha ng may bagahe na nga, mas mabigat pa sa bagahe mo.
Unless gusto mong magtayo ng FEDEX o LBC ---- bagahe pa more di ba nga lol

Marianita ... wag ka nang kumuha ng Marianito ok

Dun ka sa bente-syente anos.

As always, there are no guarantees
but with him you can dream and there is hope.

Pupusta ako dyan

... about someone new ...

I said "Sobriety" I was whispering.  En said he hates me sober :-) ... I replied, ""sometimes, I hate it, too, but ..."

I've come a long, far way from then. Fucked up. Messed.  Twisted.  Salvaged. Safe.

You see me around.  You'll never recognize me.  I walk like a stranger.  Was a stranger.  Always been.  Still is one.  Only stranger now  Stranger stranger.

You made me this way, don't you remember?

Wear me like a laurel.

I owe you my salvation.

I paid you love, blood, sweat and tears.

46 and Thankful

#46Thanks

To those who remembered and posted, texted, vibered, called, hugged, kissed, sent their love —- good vibes ‘vryone!

Deja vu

Remembering rainy afternoons in our ancestral house in Tanza.
There was that sewing machine by the wooden jalousie window with  the right amount of light and fresh air seeping through and a good view of the green and the wilds.  
I was on Indian squat in the middle top part of our long dark wood dining table.
She was doing one of her many masterpieces --- a big, chunky quilted comforter.  With which after the final stitches I always loved to squeeze my toddler self in between them.   T'was like getting drowned in a sea of patchworks. 
Always a pensive listener.  I adored all her stories about the Japanese Occupation, Philippine folklore and her personal struggles and successes in getting her college education,  a rare feat for an Asian woman in the mid 1900s.
I was like 4 and wearing sunny yellow dress that she actually put together.
We chatted and laughed the day away.  Lola and Ebey.

It felt so real in this room ---the scent of the "after rain", the imagery of tall wild grasses from the vacant lot just beside ours, the muddy soil, the sound of noisy, happy Kabitenyo frogs.  It gives you such immense and unexplainable joy when all of sudden,  out of nowhere, you get hit by memories like this, and like feeling every part of it so genuinely, knowing in your heart it was something that already passed, but the very thought of it, frame by frame, was truly lovely.  No amount of words can describe that feeling.  I just felt it and it felt so good.  
I was actually with my dentist for another round of dental work, busy tinkering with my CPs, watching Stallone's Cliffhanger (a 1993 film, and seeing Michael Rooker, young and nice, was refreshing), and waiting for my blood pressure to go down to a normal level, (my dentist fed me bananas, arrgghhh plus or minus 10, damn, the trick did not work).

I was a few weeks short of my 46th summer.

sunshine, fresh morning dew and clothesline parang alaala ng kabataan ko sa Tanza

one day i'm gonna marry you

i wanted the truth
and i got what i wanted
i waited so long
so now i got to live with that

oh i know everything
seen all that
read em loud
to myself over and over
and over again
until i memorized all the lines
i can draw every inch of your smiles
since day 1
the day we met was the day you lied

i got you nike air she got you a shirt
she was your thanksgiving and early christmas gift
lucky clover ballroom fuck!
so now what suddenly mother's day made you wax poetry, too
you never stop lovin the One you love
you never stop hurtin the one you don't
damn' how could have i missed that

and this part i kept from you
despite of all the lies
that i left but you know, I held on
because i thought or wished or said so to myself
you did love me, too, somehow even for a little while
yes you did, or still do







i died a thousand times and you didn't even notice

one day i'm gonna marry you

i wanted the truth
and i got what i wanted
i waited so long
so now i got to live with that

oh i know everything
seen all that
read em loud
to myself over and over
and over again
until i memorized all the lines
i can draw every inch of your smiles
since day 1
the day we met was the day you lied

i got you nike air she got you a shirt
she was your thanksgiving and early christmas gift
lucky clover ballroom fuck!
so now what suddenly mother's day made you wax poetry, too
you never stop lovin the One you love
you never stop hurtin the one you don't
damn' how could have i missed that

and this part i kept from you
despite of all the lies
that i left but you know, I held on
because i thought or wished or said so to myself
you did love me, too, somehow even for a little while
yes you did, or still do







i died a thousand times and you didn't even notice

s t a y

... but ... sometimes its not always good you know, always having to start all over again ... and leaving  ... and winning over your demons.

you see, it's not easy to make new friends in midlife.  when you're grounded.  and cynical.  and proud.  and lazy.  and jaded.  so coming to a place where friendship seems impossible.  is also coming to terms with yourself ...  your chaotic lovable self.     this part makes it tricky in the beginning, and difficult towards the end.

... but ... it has been a vicious cycle for the last couple of years.  like build something with strangers.  make something out of anything.  goodbyes inevitable.  i promised to keep in touch.  but then, sometimes it's  easier to fade away than to keep a promise. or i'm just too tired.

I  got 46 summers. I can't be doing this until God knows when ... you know begin again.  after walking away.   when too much of leaving feels like a disease that makes you numb ... suddenly starting all over again becomes that incurable feeling that doesn't feel good anymore.

I'm complaining to myself.  And myself is not arguing with me.  There's such a word as "steady". There's such a a thing as caving in and settling down.  This is my new demon ...

... when a gypsy fights to mellow but always find ...

... a place to crash

Doors

8 days to go.

The good thing about leaving is knowing that you have the courage to face the unknown.  The unknown and its anonymity that is infinitely vague. Isn't it orgasmic, that bewildering  feeling of anticipation, of being in control, of not being in control.  It is an open highway, and anything can happen.   You got to make it work, and not fall flat on your face for the world to revel on what they thought was a bad idea --- that risk is only for the fools.

They may be right you know just as you may be right,too.  Then again, isn't it amazing ... to see yourself get up, take those baby steps towards another place  of delicious ambiguity and the crazybeautiful mess you can create from it.  These you always say.  

But it's too early for that.   I'm sure there are many possibilities running wild inside your head.  The craving is too strong that it's jusz too much for negative energies lurking in some dark slimy corners of little minds.   You cannot be weighed down.  It is your point of exit,  it is the same place where you begin.

You own this and everything in it.

Here's to you who is never scared of doors.

The whole nine yards

may be i'm just tired
My daughter's cultural exchange program can be very exhausting.  Given my nature, I'm very peculiar with details.  But I'm thankful for having connections who have been very helpful in planning the logistics for the California and NYC legs.
In a few weeks, I'm moving to my new office, facing new challenges.  But very eager to have coffee at Mall of Asia with good old CITEM friends.

And i'm really tired
Of invaded space that makes me  sick
Getting  in and saw no traces of me
and of blocked spaces ...last time it was 3 years, this time should be longer
Of re-confirmations of truths i already know
And lies, too ... for years i thought were untrue
Here and there are pure coincidence, I get it now.

It's only February and many things coming up way too fast, it's too overwhelming, i need to slow down.

I am very far now.

Lady Di

Yesterday, I made someone from ADB very very busy.     I'm sorry to disappoint you sweetheart, but Chuck doesn't live here anymore.

Uhm, don't you think its quite late to be curious?

*Read on sweetie, but please leave the trolls by the door.

On Clogged Pipelines and Long Queues

Slow blogs.  Quick poetry.  This Writer is Busy being Mommy.

(I'm working on a series. And I just think my game plan is  doing well.  Meantime, I'll see you guys @ http://loveblender.com ((oh Kirk what do I do without you))

1)  My daughter's US itinerary still a work in progress (... her wardrobe, gadgets, vitamins, etc next).
2)  My unusual gastadora self, haggling with travel agents for cheaper airfare (and i'm kinda losing it arrghhh)
3)  My US besties cramming to adopt my daughter but ...
4)  Me, their best girl, cramming for Pinoy goodies for everyone (and suddenly I'm running out of ideas)
5)  Pre-departure's on this Saturday!  (Roche hopin' I'm not bringin' Ginger lol).
6)  Corporate Mommy moving to her new office (MOA is it ... and my CITEM luvs all excited!)
7) The side effect of asthma, white blood cells up! ... I gotta see my doctor YESTERDAY!  and i still couldn't go anytime sooner :(
8) Oh, BTW, it's CONFIRMED!