One month and forever

A Runners Version of Soul-Shock*
(*Moe's metaphysical blog)

Soul-Shock: The pain and distress the soul experiences when your Twin-Flame abandons you.

There are some great materials describing “soul shock” on the internet. My favorite is by Steve Gunn and can be found at his site www.stevegunn.net

Let’s talk about the Runner though. Anyone with a level of spiritual awareness has trouble understanding how two people can experience a deep soul connection, share the bliss, joy and divine love that these relationships offer- only to have one partner run.

The mind, heart, soul… no aspect of our being comprehends this. Someone would choose to leave the most amazing thing that can happen between individuals? Yes, they do… we’re calling them Runners.

Runners seem to reach a road block. After a period of ecstasy and connection, the Runner leaves. It can be sudden, or there can be a gradual distancing. Either way, they leave the “aware” partner in the dust- shaken to the core and confused.

What we don’t talk about a lot- because there is little information on Runners, is that they experience a different kind of shock.

A Runner runs for complex reasons but an element they all have in common is that they are thrown-off by the intensity of the relationship. They do not have time to adapt, it’s there right off the bat, the whole ‘soul package’. They don’t intellectually understand it. They feel it, but that’s the problem. Their head and heart/soul are not in alignment.

These same people would be comfortable sticking around if it was no more than physical chemistry. They would be ok if it was only friendship. They would probably be ok if it had been a slow evolution from curiosity to lust to friend to relationship to “soul partner”.

What they can’t wrap their head around is that in one human being (their Twin Flame) they are presented with a package that includes all of those things- at the start. No effort required.

They can’t process how this can exist! Even if they believe in such a thing as an ideal soul-mate, they aren’t spiritually prepared to face him/her so they back off & artificially generate a “slow evolution”.

Think of it this way. If they did not feel the same intensity as their partner, they’d be there. Does that sound backwards? Going into shock makes people do things they wouldn’t do in any other circumstances.

Runners can’t seem to explain their own behavior. They don’t know why they act the way they do… if you can get them to talk while they’re in the heat of the confusion, you might hear “I’ve never acted like this in my life. I can’t explain it. I don’t know who I am anymore or why I’m behaving this way. This is not the man/woman I am. I don’t know what’s wrong with me”.

They seem aware they are not themselves but are helpless to stop.

It is a process. It’s tempting to call Runners stupid, isn’t it? What is obvious to us is confusing to them. What is joyful to us is frightening to them. They are fearful that what they feel is not real, that they are making it up & nobody could possibly love them that much. Surely it must be a trick.

They are fearful that if they say yes to a relationship, it could crumble and they could never recover. If they didn’t mutually love their Soul Mate/Twin Flame, they wouldn’t have the fear. Do you see? You can’t loose what you don’t choose.

So you see, while it seems ridiculous, the soul-shock a Runner causes is because they are in shock themselves.

If it gives you any peace, imagine your Runner interacting with anybody BUT you. In your mind’s eye see them. A normal person behaving normally, right?

Does this not tell you that either one of two things are happening? Either this is not your Twin-Flame and they are an idiot and you can be happy that they have left.

Or… this is indeed a high level Twin-Flame whose soul did recognize you, but their mind needs time to catch up.



(last night before going to bed, i put a little amount of courage, and went back to our last sweetest thread @ FB ... August 13, Friday, a few days after I unfriended you. Our thread pushed deeper in my inbox, and that little box with an empty profile pic, it bears your name but a page no longer clickable. I couldn't bear it, that fast, I was in tears.) It was so good, that it hurts so bad. Our first (and last) time to see each other move on cam :) ... and may be use a little wish, and make love like normal human beings do. :)

Bok went online, jusz about the right time for me to close that window. And I couldn't help but cry to her. How much i still miss you despite of your disappearance and complete abandonment of me. She tried to dismiss the thought, and instead mentioned that Mark invited her to go and see his mom's painting exhibit. She promised she will for the love of me :) ... yeah Mark, that Mark ahuh. She said she wanted to bring me with her :) ... I begged off. She shifted and bragged about her plates ...

I remember only three instances in my life ...not a howl, but the painfullest, most silent cries I've let go in this lifetime. First with Emer, second was when my mom died, and this time with you.

It tears every piece of me apart. And each time, I wanna die. First time, in my life, there was something, I wanna die on. My hands up. White flag up in the air. The towel's thrown. That's it, I quit!)

Here's to JT!

He left FB, just about that time, I deactivated mine for the first time in my 2 years in my blissful, fabulous cyber living.

JT, farmer from Dallas, so he say, one of my many friends who always want to see me smile. He made this for a monthsary that almost didnt make it to a monthsary. :( ... sometimes I wish he could have asked me first which pix to use LOL. We miss you, JT. We all wish h'ed come back really really soon.


I remember too how JT kept me company, those 48 hours, I was put aside by someone who swore that he loved me so much and yet ...
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.260988473914484.84340.100000099992542&type=1


my fave line there ... "cried a river, built something like Roseman bridge ... threw the ashes ... but never getting over ..."

he called me at Pontefino, my ogre, and gave his re-assurance. and promised not to fight/ignore/tikis me in any way anymore. we burned the wires. me on the tub,him on his bed ;) LOL

rain on my parade

last time i celebrated it alone. no nothing. not a word.
today could have been our 3rd. could have been another i, me, myself celeb. another round of nothingness, wordless.
but since it's been over now, i got myself spared for being ignored on my own monthsary.

Our The End

May be, sometimes, no matter how far you’ve gone, you have to go back and finish something. May be, it has to be ugly and hurtful. But may be, that’s the way it has to be.

We should not take it against each other. Since it is destined to happen, we are completely powerless over that.

"It's finished but think well of me.", "Yes please. Even if it's bad. Especially if it's bad."

Paz

Yesterday afternoon, while wastin time in my office … I tried to surf on one of my all time fave films … iconic of my time … my genre LOL … and that one fierceful line … can’t tell …can’t tell … LOL Twas a 1986 comedy drama, based on Mamet’s play, Sexual Perversity in Chicago.

I was in that windy city twice in my life … a good full view of Lake Michigan and its closeness to the open sea.

Marco, Cris, Sam and Max. Marvelous architecture. And of course, One Mile Long of shopping LOL.

Google got me this instead … my love for Indie Rock!

So please, jusz in case that day comes, and he’d care to ask about me, tell him, jusz two words, and turn your back quick.

“She died.”

A woman's worth

This is not a sleazy story. Brief, dark, metaphorical, but not sleazy. I hope readers will take this within context and without prejudice.

A story of a man spending a night in a brothel. The following morning, she was tired and asleep. Quietly, he left by the bedside, and paid a good service , a few dollars. Took the door and was never to be seen again. That was a decent goodbye.

This writer was not even good enough for.

chasing waterfalls

In the slightest provocation … these little things

Early Monday, eto na si Kuya Teddy, handed me my bill, and saw all the international calls/SMS to that single number in Houston. A minute after , Maui approached me and gave me her pasalubong from Singapore, a purple pen that sez Shrek and Fiona. Tearfully missing us :(

Umiiyak. Umiiyak pa din ako sa BPI Timog. Buti na lang pang-lima pa ako sa teller no. 2.

Me and aRcee, who pretends to be you, but he is not you. I hated him for this. Some people just thrive on some scorned woman’s misery.

Me and Ading, who wants to take your place, but he knows it still belongs to you. A minute too late, because just for a night I was yours for the taking. A vivacious, beautiful soul, they say, given to you as a gift … was just thrown away just like that. A minute too soon, I was a different person. Kahiya naman kay Ading, yung matagal nyang sinearch na Irma, starbrighter pretty (lol) daw sabi nya sa AES. Nung inabutan nya mas basag pa sa durog. Wala na syang magawa, ni hindi umubra ang tweetums at pa cute. Taob lahat ng pick-up lines. Sayang … you had me at my best, and all that was left to this wonderful man, were broken pieces of what was once his starbrighter! May be one of these days, Ill give him my apologies. Oh, tear …

Me and Dudes, adores me, so it can’t be you. I hate it too why I love him only as a best friend. I cry over for not having him as a lover, I cry harder for my bad judgment.

I bursted everyone’s bubble. Sayang ang overseas call ni Jomat. Magkano din yun. And Arlene’s hope were all in vain. You were no better than her Error! We were just your preys. Sayang, can’t prove wrong the rest of Dognuts. Sayang all the good wishes of CITEM friends who believed in you, in me, in this, in us. Sayang the admiration and kindness of a few KES batchmates. And all the silent prayers that probably did not reach God. Sayang, Tagaytay plans with Sophie, your princess :(. Buti nalang hindi ko sinabi, that would have added up to her vague understanding of my behavior in the last 60 days. A double whammy for princess, a few days after you'd go breaking her mother's heart. Would break hers, too. Sayang and April 2011. Sayang our trip to Baguio. May be Palawan. Eat Bulaga. Pacquiao stuff, I called Nike na ... shipment this month. Sayang na sayang ang baby girl. That possible wonderful happy life together. Sayang naman ako, sinaktan mo lang. What do I do now with all the broken pieces of me. I was whole before you came. Someone better would have made something out of that. I would have been better off with that someone. Ngayon wala na akong mabibigay. Unfair to the next taker when I do not have anything good to offer anymore. Lalong sayang, the sacred memory of two lovely kids who were special to each other and wanted to marry each other. It’s all gone and in as much as I want to keep them, that beautiful part of my chilhood, I guess they're now lost in the rubbles.

Nonetheless ...

Salamat sa isang box, that kept me company or should I say this again is my current survival kit.

Salamat sa Alfani shades, my most reliable cover-up never fails me.

Salamat sa huling cubicle sa Ladies Room ng Marketing at sa bidet na rin. The sprinkle of water … you wont hear my sobs.

Salamat sa ulan, I can always say my stupid umbrella gave away. I’m all soaked.

My shower, my refuge. The splash of water on my face, and the sound it makes when it hit the floor. Just the best, most solemn place for an outburst of tears and the most bitterest cry.

And to my favorite pillow, where I bury my face each night. I wake up with the taste of water and salt. The scent of sadness around my room lingers.

(Dis) Connection Notice

I.

By IrMa
[[2011.09.07.04.27.19523]]


Honey Dumpster




Nah, I stopped reading.
I stopped looking back.
I now see the big disconnection.
When you try to read them softly
the truth! yells back at you.
You got me lost.
Between written words
and inaction
Between I love yous and
I don’t really care about you.
I threw away the threads.
After searching for something, but dunno where to find it
anywhere there, if there was one, if there was ever
In your spool of words and promises
something, just one thing, anything
... true and real.

II.

I don’t come to yahoo anymore to chat with all the fancy avatars, blings and stats, or not even check my mails. My Yahoo Pulse now reads: The person you have searched for does not exist. This is sad for someone who is a sucker for reaching out.

I am a voracious, unorthodox writer, prose and poetry. I have 4 other sites I keep sacred for this insatiable pilgrimage. It’s a personal garden, hidden like Atlantis. Away from many of you, including you.

And that place, where we first met after 30 years, the last place, too, where I first cried out for help from you, and was piled up as one of the many ignored messages in your inbox. I continue to bring myself there, knowing in Facebook, we don’t exist anymore in each others world.

Mexican Hot Choc'late with Chili Sprinkle @ Mary Grace Cafe'. Trinoma, Quezon City, Philippines

July. Bright and happy.


Table for Two. 6th of July 2011


September. Black and bleeding.


Table for one. 6th September 2011.

Love breaks ...

The last 30 years was easy. It was pure, happy childhood memories, and that unfulfilled yearning for each other.

The last 60 days were special . I was sincerely happy and in love with you.

The next 10 days of our last days felt like those 30 years, only hurtful and devastating. You were slipping away. We were drifting apart. Until one day, just when I needed you most, you completely turned your back on me and vanished in my life. In virtual and real terms. Not a word. Not a reply. Not a hint. Not a lie. Not a truth. Just like that, gone.

In a blink of an eye, the man I deeply cared about, and who claimed to have searched high and low for that one special girl he’s been keeping in his heart all his life, and found her and professed his overwhelming love for her, suddenly turned into a cold, remorseless, uncaring little boy.

So what do you think then is left of us. In the remaining years of our lives. After 42, and 41 ... the scent of death by the doorstep, anytime, anywhere ...

Where we left off after 30 years of finding each other was so agonizing … making the next second or minute difficult to even dial a number, send an SMS, buzz my YM or even just ask any of our friends how the hell I was doing …

So,there was us, 30 years later and I was three feet away from you. You could say hello, but you didn't want to disturb the memory. (This was what you should have done, and spared me from all these, and kept our memory in peace. :-( )

Nah, not everyone gets a second chance in this life. Sometimes you have to make the most of your first serving. There’s nothing best left to save for last.

Ashes to ashes, dusts to dusts. Those 30 years was our prep, Those 2 months was our second shot at love and happiness. We suck. And blew it. (God must be very angry at us now.)

drawing a smile

I've got 2 major problems solved. These have been lingering for a few months, Friday afternoon, they’re off my shoulders finally. To God be the Glory. All lessons I’m keeping with me as I move along.

A couple of good deeds done.
- Manong’s frantic yet generous buena mano
- Some stranger’s reluctant angel
- Yoh’ s hero
- An expectant mom’s helping hand
- A kind voice and soft smile, a taste of “niceness” to someone who hurt me in
the past

Underwent some serious shopping and dining therapy

- Burberry plaid arrrrhhhh
- Bangle dangles, rustic and bronze
- Tops, off shoulder and dressy
- Lingerie yummmm
- Victoria Secret Berry Kiss Shimmerin' yummmm
- pigged out at Buddy's
- and mg daily dose of hot dark choc'late
- Ron Pope in my IPOD
- may be, a little late but am lovin' my blueberry toes :)

...and some major major fixing ...

- my way back to my daughter's heart
- my recently broken myogenic muscular organ (in any which way i can)

Finally, sigil via Psalm 47.

Out little topiary tree of red roses are out together with my adorable Mr. Frost collection. We started Christmas yesterday. Sunday, my little house was all lighted up.



... some random thoughts on the recently passed week (August 29 -September 4)while trying my very bestest to draw a smile and stick it to my face without those lips going down hayyyy

Whatever happened to Honey Shrek and Honey Fiona

i was @ lavander dreams, too's site, enjoying her photos and reading her blog on Dela Mare's ol' Peacock Pie book. it was fun but i had tears.



little things ...

they break you into pieces ...

remembering ...

early morning phone calls

and really silly mobile messages.

that was just the 25th

barely 10 days ago

i got to the office really fast

he asked me if i took a chopper

i told him, "nah, i used my magic broomstick."

dropping (dead) gorgeous

... i thought for awhile, this was beautiful.


I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert.
I was a girl who loved a man like a little boy.