Life is slippery tricky.

I.

There was a memory I held sacred. Years.
Same memory that when I look back at now bring tears to my eyes.

II.

But this was unplanned.
We were adults when we met then.
Circumstances against us.
He had his family.
I was to fulfill my engagement.

III.

Hey, I liked that guy too.
Pasensya naman for current issues.
We didn't plan this.


IV.

This is the twirl.
And we're both fallen into it.
Regardless of the complications,
we are both so happy now.
I wouldn't trade that joy for anything else.

V.

Oh dear, hard as it may be.
I love you already.

VI.

At least, he didn't lie ...
... and swore he wouldn't.

Somebody's put me on rehab and house arrest

A LESSON ON LIES

I declined coming to the reunion. I sent my apologies to DOGNUTS. Moments like this I want to be alone. Arlene can always come over to my place for the New Year, nah but I aint going back to Gapo. I dont want to go trek a track of lies. I deserve better. DOGNUTS and I, we will always be friends, whatever time, space, condition.

I have too many regrets already, so what's another one.

I got the pics ... again they're all over the place. Tangible proofs of how a man I deeply cared about has been dishonest to his teeth. Sometimes I wonder the kind of truths he's gonna teach his sons :(. And I pity my daughter's daughters' daughters to cross path with his sons' sons and so forth. I'd be saying prayers and casting spells that day will never come.

I love him still though. And the most valuable lesson he has taught me was not about cooking his favorite dish ... but 5 months that felt like a lifetime of never ever to trust again. Never. No one.

Alone is better. Than betrayal.

chasing waterfalls

You always tell yourself to take that direction
But not really getting there.

A pragmatic woman’s instinct never fails. Never fails me. From that Saturday’s across town and Sunday’s Post. Thank you Jesus for a week of labor camp, I got to break my back, hurt my sole, and lost sleep over something else.

I got everyone standing on their heads after I left. Jomat was like a little panic when I relinquished admins of our group :( … she got worried and pissed and went thru Cecile to get to you. She told me her intentions, I begged that she wouldn’t do that. Hoping she’d get her trade, for me to cut all ties.

So I said, invisible! I asked, what that fuck is this about? Two days before Black Friday and my life officially went pitch black.

I’m gonna get the capital punishment for this. This whore’s is getting stoned to death. This witch and her major relapse. Literally, they will just kill me for this.

Of replies that don’t get replied to. Another honest message collecting dust somewhere somebody’s inbox.

So it’s not working huh, those strawberry nails, fresh coffee in my fave mug, not even that burning lavender inside my room. They just don’t work anymore. Not anymore. Nah

Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit, even when you try to stop thinking about it, desperately in any which way you can, it’s stuck in your head and run in circles and don’t spare you even in your sleep.

… yung lalaking mahal ko, everyday is now coming home to his wife. Fulfill her dreams and build a life with her. And each night climb that bed and make love to her.

And what’s left of me is all but a broken puzzle, I still can’t put together.

Despite of all these, I only what him to be the happiest man that ever walked this earth. I know now that he is.

My tears.
They’re like waterfalls.

...a suitcase full of Regrets ...

… the things I regret in my little sweet life …


1) … not letting you hold my little hand a little longer, and not knowing it fits perfectly with your little hands, too .... and how good it felt to being holding hands with my most favorite kid in KES
2) … and not even having a good memory about that momentous event in our lives …
3) … obeying my mother … and instead stayed a little longer .. and gave you more time to tell me about that itsy bitsy feelings of yours …
4) … and passing the chance to tell you our address in Kessing …
5) … and not insisting to attend high school in Columban even when they were putting me in section 9 even after doing well in their Entrance Exams …
6) … 4 years of studying away from you at Jackson High (but don’t regret tat part… where I found DOGNUTS!)
7) …and … and considered suitors … and eventually falling in love with Sophie’s dad … at 13 arrgggghhhh
8) … and … and … not paid attention on that tune up game between our school's soccer teams … especially when our classroom was closest where you were having your practice ....
9) … paid no attention again … on that chanced meeting at Ocampo’s (which I don’t recall again)
10) … got too serious with my first relationship …
11) and .. and got engaged at 18 …
12) … and left Gapo jusz before I was 23 …
13) … and got blinded with blietzkrieg life in that big City …
14) … and got really really bad stubborn …
15) … and lost myself …
16) .. and got married ahead of you …
17) … seeing you again after 30 years ...
18) ... when distance is soothing
silence becomes your lover
when absence grows a heart ponder
you make love with loneliness
then destiny is just a concept.
19) ... i was in tears while decidin'. i never agreed that destiny is a decision we make. that's why it's called destiny ~~~ somethin' beyond us. so that road away from fate that's the choice we make.

i guess that was the part that made me cry.
20) 30 years … and you still in my heart …
21) … when it’s no longer feasible …
22) … and when it’s no longer mutual.




(the closest time I got to you ... superlatively tried to protrude my face ... so youd still find me from a row a part .... so the closest thing ... was what ... a bit of your hair ... some of your hair ...)

mellow hallow twenny eleven

Oh, good morning sweet little rose
what are you doing here
so late in the year

Shut up you freak
I'm not sweet
I have thorns
my needles to life
my sweet revenge
your life depends
NOW get in the kitchen
brew my poison
what I crave
with my last breath
I'll be at your grave

1-part crap from an old hairy butt
1-part intestines from any human's gut
1-part squirmy toad tail
1-part beastly toenails
1-part mushy rice
1-part poltergeist
1-part blood straight from your veins
1-part sugar grains
stirred not shaken
straight up
I'll waken

Halloween night
kids will pass by
MY! MY! MY!
The tricks I know
are straight from the master
guaranteed to cause disaster

I'm red
I'm alive
I'm big and bent
my thorns are hid
I'll see you in the graveyard
KID

*** new found from Ms. L Leland (The Retched Rose)


...enjoying my vacation with my little miss ... shopping and scary movies overload ... we have purple candles for tomorrow ... and white 2 inches for me ;) ...

here are some of my fave pictures of today (neatly tucked in albums, The Witching Hour featuring a hyperactive Zombie Santa and a mellow momma ... and @ Sophia Clarisse ( a homage for my darling daughter) ... at random ...

"When you don't mean anything, you can say goodbye anytime. " leojamri

My desperation. A much needed help after this major revamp in my life. Found the site for the first time in FB, the old "ning" was compromised. So my new friend Misty made a new one ... this one ...

I remember I posted a question in the FB site on what to do when the relationship with your twin soul becomes one-sided ... hurtful ... when you're taken for granted by your other half to the point that you question it yourself if he indeed was your twin flame because if he was ...

... how could he break my heart when it's gonna feel like his breaking his?

... Why would he lie about his real status? When he knows this is an important factor on the present and the future of our relationship?

... When simple things amount to a mountain of truths ... like the real reasons behind untagging my photo from his page, deleting his comments from my page, changing his profile to a puppy if only not to give away his identity after i listed him as my Honey in Facebook. At least suspecting common and uncommon friends would not easily identify him ... Facebook enlists may be a hundred of Joel Ilagan(s) ... my Honey Joel Ilagan can be anyone of them.

Simple things he did to hide me away from his world ... from his wife, his kids, his family and friends. The dark closet was suffocating, but he didn't want my skeleton dangling in front of people he truly cares about. He didn't want to hurt their feelings ... but it's perfectly alright to trample on mine. And he did all these, without a single explanation, no apologies, no remorse. I died from asphyxia, 4 months ago. And for all he care!

... Why would he not communicate with me. This is a long distance relationship, any form of communication is key. That's the only way our so called relationship can survive. He stopped talking to me, just like that especially those times when I needed him the most. He turned his back. For more than one month. If that could kill, that would have been my second death.

... Why changed status, our Group, his wife's friends, his friends, feasted on it. I was degraded to the lowest form. A 42 year old adult male consciously did that without any consideration of my feelings, his other woman.

... My so called twin flame made his choice. But I guess, its nature taking course ... he goes back to the wife and dumps his mistress. That's the way the story goes. History has not changed. A concubine demoted to the lowest lowest form nearing garbage. There's no better way to treat a woman like that. I deserve the disrespect and the trashy treatment. I am a Whore!

My new family may have some answers for me ... if he indeed is my twin soul, then we'll meet again, tables will be turned, this time I'd be the one to break his heart. This Whore ... still would not trade places , not yesterday, not today, not in the future, not in my next lifetimes.

‎NJV said once, but actually quoting Isobelle Carmody, "The deepest wounds aren't the ones we get from other people hurting us. They are the wounds we give ourselves when we hurt other people."

Irma S. Vanta commented. " Thank God, I'm not much of an offender :) ... but the clumsy, silly one :(. But I won't trade places though :). I don't like "deepest wounds".
August 27 at 11:25am · Like · 1 person

Girl Toy ™

***





***





***




***

Girl Toy™. That was all her worth. A free entertainment he can avail of online for just a few dollars for a cheap broadband and a laptop. That little girl he claimed to have searched for, far and wide. That girl he said was special to him since grade school. That girl he professed his love to since they were children. The same woman, he found 30 years after, whose heart he intended to break, and broke. That innocent memory of her, he was given as a gift, he planned to destroy, and damaged.

A diamond pulverized. May be, not even God can put together again.

too tired to write

your painful answers up against ... my most painful questions.

An Ode to Harlot (by AO)

There was an other woman who lived in a shoe,
the bigger the better, so we'll say its a boot.
She wore the finest of jewels, she bought them herself.
and nice fancy furs, shipped via cargo express.

One day she took a trip and ran across an old friend
but now she realized it was her old married man
His was belly was jolly, but he was no santie claus
and that once trimmed moustache now covered his mouth.

Good grief said the other woman, i didn't know it was you
your sexy smile now has a gold tooth.
You've lost those abs, and your arms are flab
you grip a can of beer when its was once tab.

He smiled crookedly and said boy you've changed.
hair once short is now a flowing mane.
your legs are gorgeous and your eyes glitter glow
and those bags under your eyes are not there any more.

the other woman giggle and smirked at his stupid comments
but graciously said thank you for the compliments
tell me please he said I'd like to know
how is it that you shine, sparkle and glow?


she said while waiting to see you in the wee bit hours
i pumped iron to feel agression and power
while waiting on your calls each and every day
i did more work and got a raise in pay


while pacing my house waiting for our next date
i stayed in and ate a home cooked plate
while eating your full servings of lie after lie
i had no room left for my favorite pie.


while hoping and praying that things would change
i had enough time to grow this mane.
as for my eyes my dear they always glittered
i had to learn to wash them and rid them of litter

when you didn't call or visit, or plan to see me
i went to the salon and had a facial of seaweed
beautiful i am and beautiful I will be
all because of you, and what you did to me.

the other woman almost had a tear come to her eye
but she fought it back because deep down inside
she loved the married man and always will
but she found she loved herself more, and her love was real.

My Fresh Start

Somebody gives you a glass of margarita

Be nice, raise your glass, smile, and say your thanks. Even two tables apart :)

He pass on a piece of paper, and ask for a name

Tell him, it’s Heather. Heather Brown.

It got him a little curious, and ask a second question, “Are you not from here?”

Give him two words, “Not really.”

He gets a bit confident, “Do you have a boyfriend?”

Toss tat goddam hair, cross your legs, shake your head with some of your locks falling on your face

“Shut the hell up! I’m a very much married woman.” (cuz technically I still am.)

“So how many kids you have?,” this guy trying not to give up …

“Five. I have 5. Fourteen, 11, 9, 5, and I gave birth to a little boy last year. And having said that, I am officially ligated as of this time.” … still flashing your sweetest, honestest smile, and even when the highest heaven knows you only have one darling for a daughter... and even when mundane sex was like 6 years ago arrrghhhhh

And he, the fighter … and asked for number …

09178808557 … ramble the last two numbers … LOL

Last attempt … “You have FB?”

“Yeah, Heather Brown (ako na! ako na! ako na nga ang pinaka sulpada sa FB … can’t be searched, can’t be added, can’t be sent a message! … Me, freakin’ useless in Facebook!)

He said thanks as if he owes you a favor … (awww poor sweet, seachin’ guy)

“Can I drive you home?” (with that flashy red car! Arrgghhh)

Me still being nice … “uhhhmmm thanks, too but my girl friend is taking me home.” (Even if she was jusz dropping me in Timog … so I can get a really nice EMG cab driver … to take me all the way up up South, for as long, I pay one thousand three hundred bucks, and buy him coffee from 711 somewhere.)



(Telling a lie, it can be liberating. You get home overdosed from a mix of free margarita, paid vodka, tanduay ice and san mig lyte. Peaceful, from lonely, sad midlifers who are in equally miserable relationships, who probably cannot get over from lost loves, unfinished businesses, fucking puppy loves.



Sweet Jesus, sparing that part of your life … a beautiful past undisturbed. Wonderful and innocence stays that way. Live your lives minus the regrets, the hurts, the sorrows, and the angsts. When dreaming on is free, painless, and lovely. And never really waking up from it. Bringing it to your graves.)











***gusto ko sana mabasag kanina. Kiddos waiting. My hard face. Biting my pretty lips. But this week, and not this Friday night, was my last howl. Hindi na. Hinida na kita iiyakan pa. Sasakit ang dibdib ko, oo, pero hindi na kita iiyakan pa. I have to accept what I was long prepared to do. Numbers. You were but a number. My education. Statistics being part of Economics. Was not Cum Laude for nothing. You ... just in my record. It was okay then. It's okay now.



Me embracing the change. Not letting anybody else come closer and get in. Another Fresh Start.



My aloneness.

あなたは私の心を悲嘆に陥れました

Going home alone as usual. When I put my key in the door and open it. I cling to a faint hope. That you’ll greet me with a “Welcome home”.

Afraid of getting hurt. I always averted my eyes and ran away. But every time I smell your scent in town. I unconsciously turn around.

If there were some invisible answer. Then it wouldn’t have gone away – your tender arms. And the night when you said “I love you” and softly kissed me on the cheek. And made a vow for eternity.

Together we painted drops of light. On a big canvas. And made lots of plans. None of them will happen now.

At some point I’ve gotten so busy. That I’ve stopped looking. At the night sky we used to look up at. Unable to reach it. I can’t stop crying.

If there were some invisible answer. Then it wouldn’t have gone away – the mornings I saw in with you. And those days when you said “I love you” and softly pulled me close. And made a vow for eternity.

I watched you leave then. Should I have yelled until I was hoarse and stopped you? There’s nothing but dark regrets. That keep swirling around. Ano toki miokutta senaka

If there were some invisible answer. Then it wouldn’t have gone away – the sun. I could see through the window. Warmed my trembling shoulders. I closed my eyes. And found an answer I hadn’t noticed.

One month and forever

A Runners Version of Soul-Shock*
(*Moe's metaphysical blog)

Soul-Shock: The pain and distress the soul experiences when your Twin-Flame abandons you.

There are some great materials describing “soul shock” on the internet. My favorite is by Steve Gunn and can be found at his site www.stevegunn.net

Let’s talk about the Runner though. Anyone with a level of spiritual awareness has trouble understanding how two people can experience a deep soul connection, share the bliss, joy and divine love that these relationships offer- only to have one partner run.

The mind, heart, soul… no aspect of our being comprehends this. Someone would choose to leave the most amazing thing that can happen between individuals? Yes, they do… we’re calling them Runners.

Runners seem to reach a road block. After a period of ecstasy and connection, the Runner leaves. It can be sudden, or there can be a gradual distancing. Either way, they leave the “aware” partner in the dust- shaken to the core and confused.

What we don’t talk about a lot- because there is little information on Runners, is that they experience a different kind of shock.

A Runner runs for complex reasons but an element they all have in common is that they are thrown-off by the intensity of the relationship. They do not have time to adapt, it’s there right off the bat, the whole ‘soul package’. They don’t intellectually understand it. They feel it, but that’s the problem. Their head and heart/soul are not in alignment.

These same people would be comfortable sticking around if it was no more than physical chemistry. They would be ok if it was only friendship. They would probably be ok if it had been a slow evolution from curiosity to lust to friend to relationship to “soul partner”.

What they can’t wrap their head around is that in one human being (their Twin Flame) they are presented with a package that includes all of those things- at the start. No effort required.

They can’t process how this can exist! Even if they believe in such a thing as an ideal soul-mate, they aren’t spiritually prepared to face him/her so they back off & artificially generate a “slow evolution”.

Think of it this way. If they did not feel the same intensity as their partner, they’d be there. Does that sound backwards? Going into shock makes people do things they wouldn’t do in any other circumstances.

Runners can’t seem to explain their own behavior. They don’t know why they act the way they do… if you can get them to talk while they’re in the heat of the confusion, you might hear “I’ve never acted like this in my life. I can’t explain it. I don’t know who I am anymore or why I’m behaving this way. This is not the man/woman I am. I don’t know what’s wrong with me”.

They seem aware they are not themselves but are helpless to stop.

It is a process. It’s tempting to call Runners stupid, isn’t it? What is obvious to us is confusing to them. What is joyful to us is frightening to them. They are fearful that what they feel is not real, that they are making it up & nobody could possibly love them that much. Surely it must be a trick.

They are fearful that if they say yes to a relationship, it could crumble and they could never recover. If they didn’t mutually love their Soul Mate/Twin Flame, they wouldn’t have the fear. Do you see? You can’t loose what you don’t choose.

So you see, while it seems ridiculous, the soul-shock a Runner causes is because they are in shock themselves.

If it gives you any peace, imagine your Runner interacting with anybody BUT you. In your mind’s eye see them. A normal person behaving normally, right?

Does this not tell you that either one of two things are happening? Either this is not your Twin-Flame and they are an idiot and you can be happy that they have left.

Or… this is indeed a high level Twin-Flame whose soul did recognize you, but their mind needs time to catch up.



(last night before going to bed, i put a little amount of courage, and went back to our last sweetest thread @ FB ... August 13, Friday, a few days after I unfriended you. Our thread pushed deeper in my inbox, and that little box with an empty profile pic, it bears your name but a page no longer clickable. I couldn't bear it, that fast, I was in tears.) It was so good, that it hurts so bad. Our first (and last) time to see each other move on cam :) ... and may be use a little wish, and make love like normal human beings do. :)

Bok went online, jusz about the right time for me to close that window. And I couldn't help but cry to her. How much i still miss you despite of your disappearance and complete abandonment of me. She tried to dismiss the thought, and instead mentioned that Mark invited her to go and see his mom's painting exhibit. She promised she will for the love of me :) ... yeah Mark, that Mark ahuh. She said she wanted to bring me with her :) ... I begged off. She shifted and bragged about her plates ...

I remember only three instances in my life ...not a howl, but the painfullest, most silent cries I've let go in this lifetime. First with Emer, second was when my mom died, and this time with you.

It tears every piece of me apart. And each time, I wanna die. First time, in my life, there was something, I wanna die on. My hands up. White flag up in the air. The towel's thrown. That's it, I quit!)

Here's to JT!

He left FB, just about that time, I deactivated mine for the first time in my 2 years in my blissful, fabulous cyber living.

JT, farmer from Dallas, so he say, one of my many friends who always want to see me smile. He made this for a monthsary that almost didnt make it to a monthsary. :( ... sometimes I wish he could have asked me first which pix to use LOL. We miss you, JT. We all wish h'ed come back really really soon.


I remember too how JT kept me company, those 48 hours, I was put aside by someone who swore that he loved me so much and yet ...
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.260988473914484.84340.100000099992542&type=1


my fave line there ... "cried a river, built something like Roseman bridge ... threw the ashes ... but never getting over ..."

he called me at Pontefino, my ogre, and gave his re-assurance. and promised not to fight/ignore/tikis me in any way anymore. we burned the wires. me on the tub,him on his bed ;) LOL

rain on my parade

last time i celebrated it alone. no nothing. not a word.
today could have been our 3rd. could have been another i, me, myself celeb. another round of nothingness, wordless.
but since it's been over now, i got myself spared for being ignored on my own monthsary.

Our The End

May be, sometimes, no matter how far you’ve gone, you have to go back and finish something. May be, it has to be ugly and hurtful. But may be, that’s the way it has to be.

We should not take it against each other. Since it is destined to happen, we are completely powerless over that.

"It's finished but think well of me.", "Yes please. Even if it's bad. Especially if it's bad."

Paz

Yesterday afternoon, while wastin time in my office … I tried to surf on one of my all time fave films … iconic of my time … my genre LOL … and that one fierceful line … can’t tell …can’t tell … LOL Twas a 1986 comedy drama, based on Mamet’s play, Sexual Perversity in Chicago.

I was in that windy city twice in my life … a good full view of Lake Michigan and its closeness to the open sea.

Marco, Cris, Sam and Max. Marvelous architecture. And of course, One Mile Long of shopping LOL.

Google got me this instead … my love for Indie Rock!

So please, jusz in case that day comes, and he’d care to ask about me, tell him, jusz two words, and turn your back quick.

“She died.”

A woman's worth

This is not a sleazy story. Brief, dark, metaphorical, but not sleazy. I hope readers will take this within context and without prejudice.

A story of a man spending a night in a brothel. The following morning, she was tired and asleep. Quietly, he left by the bedside, and paid a good service , a few dollars. Took the door and was never to be seen again. That was a decent goodbye.

This writer was not even good enough for.

chasing waterfalls

In the slightest provocation … these little things

Early Monday, eto na si Kuya Teddy, handed me my bill, and saw all the international calls/SMS to that single number in Houston. A minute after , Maui approached me and gave me her pasalubong from Singapore, a purple pen that sez Shrek and Fiona. Tearfully missing us :(

Umiiyak. Umiiyak pa din ako sa BPI Timog. Buti na lang pang-lima pa ako sa teller no. 2.

Me and aRcee, who pretends to be you, but he is not you. I hated him for this. Some people just thrive on some scorned woman’s misery.

Me and Ading, who wants to take your place, but he knows it still belongs to you. A minute too late, because just for a night I was yours for the taking. A vivacious, beautiful soul, they say, given to you as a gift … was just thrown away just like that. A minute too soon, I was a different person. Kahiya naman kay Ading, yung matagal nyang sinearch na Irma, starbrighter pretty (lol) daw sabi nya sa AES. Nung inabutan nya mas basag pa sa durog. Wala na syang magawa, ni hindi umubra ang tweetums at pa cute. Taob lahat ng pick-up lines. Sayang … you had me at my best, and all that was left to this wonderful man, were broken pieces of what was once his starbrighter! May be one of these days, Ill give him my apologies. Oh, tear …

Me and Dudes, adores me, so it can’t be you. I hate it too why I love him only as a best friend. I cry over for not having him as a lover, I cry harder for my bad judgment.

I bursted everyone’s bubble. Sayang ang overseas call ni Jomat. Magkano din yun. And Arlene’s hope were all in vain. You were no better than her Error! We were just your preys. Sayang, can’t prove wrong the rest of Dognuts. Sayang all the good wishes of CITEM friends who believed in you, in me, in this, in us. Sayang the admiration and kindness of a few KES batchmates. And all the silent prayers that probably did not reach God. Sayang, Tagaytay plans with Sophie, your princess :(. Buti nalang hindi ko sinabi, that would have added up to her vague understanding of my behavior in the last 60 days. A double whammy for princess, a few days after you'd go breaking her mother's heart. Would break hers, too. Sayang and April 2011. Sayang our trip to Baguio. May be Palawan. Eat Bulaga. Pacquiao stuff, I called Nike na ... shipment this month. Sayang na sayang ang baby girl. That possible wonderful happy life together. Sayang naman ako, sinaktan mo lang. What do I do now with all the broken pieces of me. I was whole before you came. Someone better would have made something out of that. I would have been better off with that someone. Ngayon wala na akong mabibigay. Unfair to the next taker when I do not have anything good to offer anymore. Lalong sayang, the sacred memory of two lovely kids who were special to each other and wanted to marry each other. It’s all gone and in as much as I want to keep them, that beautiful part of my chilhood, I guess they're now lost in the rubbles.

Nonetheless ...

Salamat sa isang box, that kept me company or should I say this again is my current survival kit.

Salamat sa Alfani shades, my most reliable cover-up never fails me.

Salamat sa huling cubicle sa Ladies Room ng Marketing at sa bidet na rin. The sprinkle of water … you wont hear my sobs.

Salamat sa ulan, I can always say my stupid umbrella gave away. I’m all soaked.

My shower, my refuge. The splash of water on my face, and the sound it makes when it hit the floor. Just the best, most solemn place for an outburst of tears and the most bitterest cry.

And to my favorite pillow, where I bury my face each night. I wake up with the taste of water and salt. The scent of sadness around my room lingers.

(Dis) Connection Notice

I.

By IrMa
[[2011.09.07.04.27.19523]]


Honey Dumpster




Nah, I stopped reading.
I stopped looking back.
I now see the big disconnection.
When you try to read them softly
the truth! yells back at you.
You got me lost.
Between written words
and inaction
Between I love yous and
I don’t really care about you.
I threw away the threads.
After searching for something, but dunno where to find it
anywhere there, if there was one, if there was ever
In your spool of words and promises
something, just one thing, anything
... true and real.

II.

I don’t come to yahoo anymore to chat with all the fancy avatars, blings and stats, or not even check my mails. My Yahoo Pulse now reads: The person you have searched for does not exist. This is sad for someone who is a sucker for reaching out.

I am a voracious, unorthodox writer, prose and poetry. I have 4 other sites I keep sacred for this insatiable pilgrimage. It’s a personal garden, hidden like Atlantis. Away from many of you, including you.

And that place, where we first met after 30 years, the last place, too, where I first cried out for help from you, and was piled up as one of the many ignored messages in your inbox. I continue to bring myself there, knowing in Facebook, we don’t exist anymore in each others world.

Mexican Hot Choc'late with Chili Sprinkle @ Mary Grace Cafe'. Trinoma, Quezon City, Philippines

July. Bright and happy.


Table for Two. 6th of July 2011


September. Black and bleeding.


Table for one. 6th September 2011.

Love breaks ...

The last 30 years was easy. It was pure, happy childhood memories, and that unfulfilled yearning for each other.

The last 60 days were special . I was sincerely happy and in love with you.

The next 10 days of our last days felt like those 30 years, only hurtful and devastating. You were slipping away. We were drifting apart. Until one day, just when I needed you most, you completely turned your back on me and vanished in my life. In virtual and real terms. Not a word. Not a reply. Not a hint. Not a lie. Not a truth. Just like that, gone.

In a blink of an eye, the man I deeply cared about, and who claimed to have searched high and low for that one special girl he’s been keeping in his heart all his life, and found her and professed his overwhelming love for her, suddenly turned into a cold, remorseless, uncaring little boy.

So what do you think then is left of us. In the remaining years of our lives. After 42, and 41 ... the scent of death by the doorstep, anytime, anywhere ...

Where we left off after 30 years of finding each other was so agonizing … making the next second or minute difficult to even dial a number, send an SMS, buzz my YM or even just ask any of our friends how the hell I was doing …

So,there was us, 30 years later and I was three feet away from you. You could say hello, but you didn't want to disturb the memory. (This was what you should have done, and spared me from all these, and kept our memory in peace. :-( )

Nah, not everyone gets a second chance in this life. Sometimes you have to make the most of your first serving. There’s nothing best left to save for last.

Ashes to ashes, dusts to dusts. Those 30 years was our prep, Those 2 months was our second shot at love and happiness. We suck. And blew it. (God must be very angry at us now.)

drawing a smile

I've got 2 major problems solved. These have been lingering for a few months, Friday afternoon, they’re off my shoulders finally. To God be the Glory. All lessons I’m keeping with me as I move along.

A couple of good deeds done.
- Manong’s frantic yet generous buena mano
- Some stranger’s reluctant angel
- Yoh’ s hero
- An expectant mom’s helping hand
- A kind voice and soft smile, a taste of “niceness” to someone who hurt me in
the past

Underwent some serious shopping and dining therapy

- Burberry plaid arrrrhhhh
- Bangle dangles, rustic and bronze
- Tops, off shoulder and dressy
- Lingerie yummmm
- Victoria Secret Berry Kiss Shimmerin' yummmm
- pigged out at Buddy's
- and mg daily dose of hot dark choc'late
- Ron Pope in my IPOD
- may be, a little late but am lovin' my blueberry toes :)

...and some major major fixing ...

- my way back to my daughter's heart
- my recently broken myogenic muscular organ (in any which way i can)

Finally, sigil via Psalm 47.

Out little topiary tree of red roses are out together with my adorable Mr. Frost collection. We started Christmas yesterday. Sunday, my little house was all lighted up.



... some random thoughts on the recently passed week (August 29 -September 4)while trying my very bestest to draw a smile and stick it to my face without those lips going down hayyyy

Whatever happened to Honey Shrek and Honey Fiona

i was @ lavander dreams, too's site, enjoying her photos and reading her blog on Dela Mare's ol' Peacock Pie book. it was fun but i had tears.



little things ...

they break you into pieces ...

remembering ...

early morning phone calls

and really silly mobile messages.

that was just the 25th

barely 10 days ago

i got to the office really fast

he asked me if i took a chopper

i told him, "nah, i used my magic broomstick."

dropping (dead) gorgeous

... i thought for awhile, this was beautiful.


I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert.
I was a girl who loved a man like a little boy.

There's always gotta to be some letter never sent

You've been scarce for the last two weeks. I thought you needed space to help you think things through. So I didn’t bother you, and just waited for your IMs, whenever you feel like dropping me a line or two, at your most convenient time, when and how you want it.

But we don't talk anymore, like we used to, sometimes I feel you're staying away from me and avoiding me. I don’t know what’s going on anymore.

We used to talk about practically everything openly, and suddenly its changed.

Last night, Sophie and I got a message in FB, that put me in a very very bad light in my daughter's eyes. I tried to tell you about this in FB. You didnt reply. I sent you a message in YM about it too. You didn't reply.

I got two hate mails, too. And dirty IMs. But they’re all about me. For me. I’m 41 and I got myself into this. My daughter’s only 14, this was not her choice. The least that I can do is to be gentle and careful with my words when the time comes that I have to I explain to her about us and our situation.

This left me deeply hurt especially with my daughter’s confusion over that message that strains our relationship now.

Hoping that you care enough to make me feel a little better. And at least assure me that its not what it looks. I dunno where and how to reach you. Im left alone.

I always pray for us. This time for better judgment. And that we be there for each other when need the most. That’s what friends and lovers for.

I will always love you, honey. Be well.

This one really hurts (too bad I have to face this alone)*

In my mailbox ...

Acerbic message.
I'd like to think, they meant well. But as you read along, it hits you, straight where it hurts the most, the next thing you know your eyes follows.

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the
woman he loves. That's why he keeps on taking back the wife who's been shitting on his head. And treats the other woman like shit.

(I wanted to tell him about this. Cry to him may be over beer or two. Kahit on the phone lang or online. Ask him to re-assure me that those written words in my electronic mail ain't true ... and that what we have is for real, not easy but for real. And that one day we'll be together, like what we used to say to each other.

"Used to." Implied infinitive. Are two words meaning "taking place in the past but not continuing into the present". Like ...

We used to talk regularly, happily.
He used to check on me how I was doing, before and after work, when out with friends or just bumming around the house with Sophie. My daughter he used to call princess.
Those three words each time he tells me. I take them to bed always with a smile on my face.
I used to be a confident, generally happy, 41 year old.
I wanted to tell him all about this. I really do.
He used to be here with me, for me.
Used to.)




*something you can't even tell to any of closest friends and family ... it's bad enough that I got myself into this, it's even worse to hear that I'm stuck. I love him, it is my choice to endure this. They will never understand.

RennieLorca, writer, poet, co-Blender ...

... moves up to heaven
... and starts writing from there.



http://www.loveblender.com/blend/av.cgi?id=900

Here's a toast for Rennie and hugs for her Captain.

June 19, 2011

We lose some, we win some. AN old voice faded away, a new one comes in.

Here is she, and my bump, on what seem to be familiar grounds.



By HateMeMore
[[2011.08.28.01.19.17266]]

I think of all the times you forgave her
for the lying, the cheating, the sinful transgressions.
You held her close after she had been
with another, and you knew this.
Still, you held her.

I wonder again and again
the question plaguing every second of my day.

Will you forgive me for all that I have done
when you were not looking?
Will you still want forever when my sins
are put out on the table?
Will you regret holding me close
when you find out I had the scent
of another on my skin
as it was pressed against yours?

I think I will remain
left to wonder.

*** *** ***




sana if i shit on your head you'll forgive me, take me back, too ... and love me, still.

the diamonds we lost for a pocket full of stones

Finding that old Manila Times article by MJM. Re-posted in somebody’s bloghopped. There were three theories there, briefly discussed by the author. I guess, we are a mixed of all three, our mutation, a work in progress. This is my theory, here goes ...


Is the universe conniving?

Between two people . One evening. Long talk.

That single dream you both want to make real. Here and now.

In between days, you see the stumbling blocks and hurdle points getting larger than life.

The wall getting another brick. Wild grasses growing at our doorstep. Distance wider. Words are scarce by the day. It looks to me like what used to be two separate lives, still two separate, distant ones. You and your quicksand. Me and my sandcastle.

Is this really love? Or is love enough? No love or just love.

Sometimes, I think you really do. Like I do, too. But right now, my sweet tooth aches. Too much sugar is always bad for borderlines. It’s going down. And I’m sinking with it. I'm so tired, my physical body giving in, for once I want to sleep peacefully again, or just get sleep even if it mean no waking up.

... ... ...

Every afternoon just before the sun sets, I gaze at Manila’s skyline from 15th floor of my office. I try to see as far as my eyes can reach, it’s a big picture of orange dusk and cotton clouds, still you not in it, and "us" against a dark silhouette.

Why now and not then? What if? What for?

So lemme, propose for us ... a

last crawl. last call. One love.

The two of us, played like fools by destiny.
Fate had once stolen us from each other,
and led us to some other lovers' arms
and somehow, don't we regret those lousy parts?
Are we letting this happen again, like helpless pawns for a bait.
I don’t want to be the one who got away from you.
And you, the one who slipped away from me.

Please don’t let go.

Not this time. Not again.

Two months is Infinity

Those 60 days were special. No matter how brief, and fleeting and surreal. Don't you be sad for what was over. Jusz be glad that he was once yours. Next lifetime, may be (LOL).

Nah, don't regret what could have been really beautiful. Be grateful, and proud of yourself for giving it a chance.

... ... ...

My 2nd Kadayawan ... one of my over-staying regional travels. Hoping work overdose could kill! Zombie'-walkin' the streets of Davao. Just after that meeting for our mall show ... I heard this version floating in the air ... nice one! I told Admin, she was really giving justice to a Marie Digby fave. That's Marie Digby no less, she said. I grabbed my dox, and ran like a teeny bopper ... pushin' my way to the crowd ... what do you know, the best thing about this back breakin' 5 days ...Digby in the house singin' acoustic ... like me tellin' you this, hun ...

You had my heart, and we'll never be a world apart
Maybe in magazines but you'll still be my star
But baby 'cause in the dark you will see shiny cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share because

When the sun shines we shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
That I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, I'mma stick it out 'til the end
Now that it's raining more than ever know that we still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)

The fancy things they're never coming in between
You're apart of my entity
Here for infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard
Together we'll mend your heart because

When the sun shines we shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
That I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, I'mma stick it out 'til the end
Now that it's raining more than ever know that we still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my

You can run into my arms
It's okay, don't be alarmed
Come into me
So gonna let the rain pour
I'll be all you need and more because

When the sun shines we shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
That I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, I'mma stick it out 'til the end
Now that it's raining more than ever know that we still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my

It's raining (raining)
Ooh baby it's raining (raining)
Come into me
Come into me
It's raining (raining)
Ooh baby it's raining (raining)
Come into me
Come into me
(Ella ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh eh eh-eh)

What a shame that we all became such fragile broken things.

I think I just need to believe that it works.
Love, couplehood, partnerships.
The idea that when two people come together, they stay together.
I have to take that to bed with me every night,
even if I'm going to bed alone.
-McBealism-

Here's to each and everyone of us, who tried and failed, and tried again and failed again, tried again and again and again, and failed the same number of times we've tried. :)

'Wel and Mel (kung kelan na-annul saka pa natapos hayyy)
Jers and Marje (so coupling before I left for Manila in '93 ... :( )
"Aeryn" (doomed from the start arrgghhh)
from San Diego to Hawaii (... dying love ...)
Fayie and Entot (only took one to fall out)
Jen and Benj (the question of struggle)
Chuck and Dok (tsk, tsk, tsk ... tat long drag, tat very very looong drag)
Jates' (a relationship for convenience is never a relationship anyway)
Ca and Vegas (taking different directions ...)
"Yours" (going ...)
"Mine" (gone.)

blowin' bubbles and burstin' em

Cheers!

Buti na lang may Conversation na, Message Archive pa hehehe

Takte di ba, binalik-balikan ko ng ilang beses. Baka hallucinations lang. My failing hearing and eyesight playing tricks on me LOL. Nasayang ang Tinkerbell short shorts hahaha and my new strawberry and skull red tops arrgghghhh. So tempting to cut and paste di ba harharhar

Tama naman basa ko, malamang yung din narinig ko kahit medyo choppy hahaha

Taena di ba, buti na lang, full tank ako. This will last until my flight, sana roundtrip. Then I'd go crashin' again. Darn!

Words of wisdom for this week and today :) ... running list ... maganda tong mga to eh lalo na pag contextual and verbatim hahaha, hindi lang talaga pwede eh hay naku!

"... lagi na nagko-collapse" SPO1 Catunao (lol)


"hey don't you forget, you go wearin' that, yeah yeah, "that other ... MOFO attitude!" (ka-Us Girls (ROFL)

"ang words, madaling i-type, madalin din mag backspace at i-delete :(." ABIKU (sya na hindi umabot sa ligaya hayyyy)

"The same pick-up lines ... I thought for a moment, our story was original." TWEET TWEET TWEET


... eto na ang pamatay, that killer one liner from Sydney cutting like a nasty knife ... why dyou have to that for why oh why :( :)

"it will stay _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ as for now."

"Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!," I said.

This ain’t a pixietale …

... Me and Abi …

Well … that little story in children’s books yeah right usually starts really bad and closes with “they live happily ever after.” Ahuh ahuh LOL

This is adult world stuck in reverse pare!

Dysfunctional of all dysfunctional :) ei.

This one’s a little story gone worse than bad.

I’m sorry dearie, you could have partaken and enjoyed what each and everyone of my crew partied with. Yeah dearie, that part, you know, when I also thought was gonna be wonderful. Oh, did I have to see your smile all over Blue Wave Treats, and say like what everybody said … “oh tat was beautiful Irma, such a beautiful love story … not everyone of us passes this life and get that second chance.”

So oh too late for you to see me thrive in it. For once in my life … I was compromising. For once in 41 years, I was in submission. Trying to learn things I refused to learn before. Trying to honestly, sincerely, bring down my guards, waving that white flag whether I was wrong or right. For once, I was giving a relationship a fair fighting chance. Not like my misgivings with Dennis. Not like my stubborn love with Mark. Not like my falling out with Sophie’s dad. For once I was trying my best to be easy than difficult. For once I was more than willing to give it a shot. No matter. Regardless. No matter how complicated the circumstances are. The future was blurry, but for once I was trying to shed some light. For once. C’mon naman I deserve a standing ovation here.

Here and now. He was having me at my best. I was trying to give him myself, Irma at her best. Something I denied to everyone else I have fallen in love with, for the first time, I was consciously, exerting effort, giving it my best shot.

My innocent childhood love. Offering my pure love.

And then this.

So let’s kinda fast forward this a bit. Which Jonathan kinda said hummm. "galit ka lang kasi". And Bok was sorta hatin', "one more chance, Irms. Give your honey another break." Phia prayerful, "I'm here for you, don't you forget that." Jen the believer, "Go back to Jun, 'Ma. Soph will be happier."

Katawa, hati hati sila. Iba iba.

Me and my rebellious streak. I and my vindictive self.

Turning away and going back. We’re even now. (So si Jenalyn lang ang magse celebrate. Sya lang. Sya lang talaga. LOL)

Allow me to say this ... can I say this ...

This failed love I will bring to my grave. Lemme regret this. Jusz let me regret this.

See ‘Bi … di ba, this ain’t a fairy tale.

(... when pixietales are not suppose to end this way.)

♥blender

Sharing two of my fave works by two of my most admired writers in ♥blender ;)



By Ali
Date: 2001 Dec 17
[2001.12.17.18.45.23745]]

The Coffee's Too Cold


What do you do when the coffee's too cold to drink
And the time drags by too slowly to care?
Dreams slip away from us, just as people do
It's life, it's life, it's just life
But...it sucks, ok?
And sometimes it's good to say that, to be honest
To scream out loud, instead of in silence
Still, sometimes the coffee's too cold to drink...
The world may end, but only in your mind
Your steps may falter, but only you can fall
Nothing simple can take away heartache
Just as nothing simple can cause it
But, I don't believe in simplicity anyway
Perhaps that is because I have never known it
I am Queen of complexities, being complex myself
(As are most people)
I've grown accustomed to having very complex relationships
But, as I said before, I don't believe in simplicity
And sometimes, the coffee's too cold to drink...
Love buds, grows, blooms...dies
You ask: "Is this the end?"
It's been said countless times by an infinity of people
None have answered so far, but I will
And in answering, I say this:
"It is not the end, for nothing ever ends, truly.
For love changes shape, changes hue, and changes intensity
But the essence is still the same."
So, what do you do when the coffee's too cold to drink?
Either you try to warm it up, or you make a new pot...





By i'm just him
Date: 2005 Jul 06
[[2005.07.06.17.16.7413]]


fixing a broken road

our road has some potholes
and acouple of missing streets
but if Keanu Reeves can jump them
in a bus
we should be able 2 cross them easy
the time you tho we lost
we didn't, i took it
and i'm here 2 give it back
i'm here 2 fix the broken road
and repair the streets that cracked
i'm willing to do anything
if anything is what i have to do
2 connect the broken streets
and fix my path 2 u

~i'm just him~
tru story

(in) evitable

Today I made it in one piece! C’mon gimme some credit for that. This sick witch deserves it :). Gimme some clap clap ...

The whole wide world on my shoulders. Cavite rain and a cloudy weather in Manila. The sun’s dead. Off to work really really early than usual. Strutted Timog and Morato on my own, alone to grab my meds. Crossed that street and grabbed my comfort signature grande hot choc’late from Starbucks :). Took a late lunch pasta to go which I failed to finish off decently. Killed myself from workin’ the whole time. Extended my time at the office. The train broke down again, Took my baby cousz Jerome’s call. Somezin’ that made me shook my head, and made my li’l jaw crashed on GMA Drive. Taena, ang hirap ng buhay no.

Diamonds tears dropped and floated on my skin. He was crying SOS since Friday nyte :(. A call I couldn’t even return, my own voice cracking back at myself. At bus ride, I played my role really really well. The Ate of all Ates. It was like a paid advice. Something I paid dearly. Fuck that good reputation! Fuck that respect crap! I sounded like the most dependable parish priest. Gimme sainthood baby! Gimme heaven’s gate! If I die tonight I deserve more than that mansion … I deserve all the accolades and all those ribbons baby! I should have recorded that much needed sound advice, and play it repeatedly for my own, relapsin’ junkei self! The height of hypocricy! All fucked up me! It’s like spittin’ on the clouds. And getting’ all my dirty saliva right back on my ugly face.

I got his thanks and love. I was staring blank on black. I was silently askin’ back … were those raindrops or tears?

Missing my friend’s birthday. And jusz promising her our much awaited pajama parteeh with the rest of DOGNUTS come December. Tiz one’s for Arlene Lee … and finally relieving her for being the poster girl for FOOL IN LOVE.



Sophie. Last night I was helping her with her homework. Maternal duties amidst of …. Galing ko, tama pa rin, parang wala lang… parang OK lang. Geometry crap!

Sophie this night. Sleepy mode while reviewing … I tolerated coffee instead of fresh cartoned milk … funny moments with my daughter while mommy trying to keep her awake …


... THE AB ROCKET STRAT



... NOT WORKING STILL ... SO MOM MADE HER COFFEE



... UP TO NO GOOD ... STILL TIRED, DIZZY, SLEEPY, MY DAHLIN' SOPHIE

While everyone was getting their sleep … some late night … and very rare violation … AC breathing hard … glade orange squeeze on hand, Home Remedies scented candle burning angrily inside my lilac room, IPOD crying Another Suitcase in Another Hall ….

[Eva:] So what happens now?
[Che:] Another suitcase in another hall
[Eva:] So what happens now?
[Che:] Take your picture off another wall
[Eva:] Where am I going to?
[Che:] You'll get by, you always have before
[Eva:] Where am I going to?

Bleed, Brew and smoke in my room. Oh tear ...

I’ll take some late night, early morning shower … and God can take me away so easily. :) ... please, please, take me away, God.

dread

Just on sabbatical:)... this Netizen junkie ... on that busiest part of this internet highway.

My good friend Arlene Lee Mataban is 42 today. Sadly, 'can't party with her at FB. I greeted her in Yahoo, and posted a little something in YT :) If she's not going to be really busy before midnight, we can IM a bit. I just hope I'm still up for it ... I'm sleepy, I'm tired, my nape’s heavy ... blood pressure shootin' up. That explains my nausea and these never ending hiccups. My heart beat, slow and heavy. Aspilet tomorrow and everyday. To loosen up my blood, so not to pressure my heart. Meantime, our sphygmomanometers, we have two, both not working, :( I don't want to go see the doctor tonight. Can't be absent tomorrow. Davao's really soon. :(

What happened to JT … leaving Facebook, too. Such troubled spirits, let’s hope we both find peace somewhere else … and really soon. Blessings, magic spells, fairy dusts … let’s grab whatever it is within our reach. Speakin’ of … not finish with sigillum yet :( … I dunno … I prefer Psalms 47.

… Two sigils perfectly fitting each other … why then are we like this? Tell me please coz i don't understand this anymore.

'Taking time ... wastin' time ... Peace from the other side, war torn on the inside ... me polishing on my writing and catching up with my reading.

Me getting a little friendly in twitter ... now following heartbreakaches and iamdeyngerous ;) A total of 3 tweets in the last twenny four hours. Shame shame shame on the dumped and the wasted! Check out those one-liner tweets (mostly dark argggg) @ http://twitter.com/pixietales

Me successfully resurrecting my old youtube account. Pimped and updated, complete with that sexy vintage profile pic from my equally forgotten and archaic photobucket :(. Rearranged my modules, my uploads, and three playlists: fairy"s brew, an old flame's, and my twin flame's :).

pixietales burpin'. after almost 2 years here, ngayun lang ako natutong sumagot at mag post ng comments ko LOL. silly blogger!

Milestone: first time to do my own screen shots and posting it here. i am proud. thanks to google. I was writing this comment, feeling that song, even when I'm hurting, I felt that genuine joy in my heart, i must really love the man.





I'm sharing that piece here, and that kind of affection,too. Then that black hole again, that knife again, and those kind of tears again that make your eyes swell and your throat dry ... hurt and love combusting.

I still have no idea how I will survive tomorrow from bus ride to train ride, my work station, and the trek back home when I know for a fact I didn't do very well the last 3 days.

Tonight is another worse ... we usually are talking to each other around this time. Telling each other how much we love and miss "us". Sometimes we get a little naughty ;) ... sometimes we go overboard LOL. We saw each other in HD last Sunday, I'm still hoping that wasn't the last.

I'm sleeping with my daughter tonight ... bati na kami ni Sophie! (ilang days kaming may LQ ... last week was really a bad week talaga huhu) ... I need free, genuine hugs tonight.

one love

I. Saturday

… tiz blogger back to writing … pixietales blogspot and twitter almost left in the cold. Late afternoon after some cheap groceries, and yes again, missing my cardiologist for the nth time, that visit 3 months overdue darnnnn …. thank God a year of needles gave me the knack to read my own blood chemistry … blood sugar good ahuh … but my thyroid left for dead, cholesterol overshootin’ demmettt! So then lemme expect blood pressure risin’ again … but we don’t run out of Saturdays … God make me live another week, swear to You, I’ll have that much needed PEP talk with Dr. Sy come next Saturday … promise. And sowiii … I bet he’s is going to sue me for recklessly missing my medication. I swear too, to get back takin’ my salbutamol, thyrax and therabloc religiously ahuh :)

Today locked in my room. After another 48 hours of lack of sleep and food and H2O and meds … me getting up early … and posted and emailed and deactivated. I must say I had a pretty successful day. I left quietly. Not a single word for those I left behind. Except for that short time with Nanat at YM arrrghhhh …. When all he got to say was …. “hay love is so hard”.

… next scene … the garden. Carrots brought us bopis. After househelp cried SOS. A knock on my bedroom door … “Ate Sabado, magluluto ka ba?” “No I don’t have a menu. :(”. And locked myself back in. Sophie silent in her room. I asked her to stay away meantime, mom has a really bad case of sore eyes arrgghh. The lies adults weave when they break their hearts. And don’t make a stand for it.

Couszins. Si Jerome laging timing. He rings me up when something is going wrong. All Ate cay say was, “yeah not a good time, carry on, I can’t tell.” Next scene … tat garden scene with Car’line. Brew and smoke. Na low batt and IPOD. Pagtyagaan ang BB, and my limited playlist there … at least it has a better audio di ba. “Let me be.” That was all I could say.

In between, my officemate closest to me, si Ca … Super text … “ayus lang inom at iyak lang katapat nyan. Lunch out na lang tayo sa Monday, chelo kabab tayo. Treat kita. Ubusin mo na lahat lahat over the weekend. Ayoko na parang yesterday, ang tahi-tahimik mo tapos bangag naman mga mata mo. Lagi ka nakayuko sa table mo. Ayoko nun hindi ako sanay. Sana yung parang dati, you make all of us laugh with your dark sinister.” She ended her SMS with a LOL and a smiley." Syempre, I didn’t text back. I can’t make a promise I’m not sure I can keep.

Me … the theory person. For the nth time, me always hopin’, my theories proven wrong. I remember Rob from Starbucks Katipunan of Mysterium … that branch I missed aba eh near Rustan’s naman pala … pasensya naman, probinsyana ako eh, malay ko ba. Remember with Mark daw I finally followed my instinct even when I didn’t know … and I was right. Hard to do but the most right thing to do was stay away. And I was better off after that. But that was the rightest to do at that time. For a man, not half empty, not half full. Jusz empty. Rob giving me full credits for that instinctive decision.

So what’s this gut feel all about. Is it merely emotions and the mystery that envelopes those undefined sentiments … some mystique passion you can’t put your fingers on. Honestly, sincerely, painfully, I must say … reason and logic hover it, too. Gut feel requires a certain amount of intelligence. An intellect that does not disregard what the heart truthfully says. Sabi nga ni Tito Tony, my ruling body part are my eyes. Eyes … in between my brain and my heart. So then that is why, I have a very good judgment of things, people and circumstances. Even when I always always follow what my heart says … I can see, sense, feel the middle ground. The eyes they have a good full view of what the brains can't feel, and what the heart can't reason with.

So then there was this picture again … crystal clear :( … so clear but I tried to paint with beautiful add ons. Something so obvious I had to do some re-works. But re-works won’t do. True picture's too strong. Sometimes you have to accept that portrait as it is. No re-works … no-repainting … no adjustments … sweet talks are plain sweet, no good.

And hey, the reason why we have been missing it since time in memorial is blatantly because … the reason behind the insynchronicity is because … it was never meant to be from the beginning we breathed our first breath. Jusz a theory.

Me the witch who sees evil and curse evil… Me the fairy who appreciates the true the good and the beautiful and Me the gypsy who knows the best time to walk away …. And the butterfly who keeps Hope thriving in my heart.

What happens after Hope, we leave to God. Beyond us. God rules and over rules everything else.

II. Twins-a- flamin’

I’ll always be with you. Kasama mo ako lagi. You’re my twin flame partner. :)Nagkita nga tayo ulit after 30 years. Next lifetime, magkikita pa rin tayo.
Hindi ako nawala. Hindi ka nawala. Magkasama tayo lagi.

Baka nga we needed nore than 6 and 4 times to make it right. Baka nga next lifetime swak na. Your 7th. My 5th.

Next lifetime may be. I promise not to marry 10 years earlier than you. I promise to wait for you. And promise to take you when I find you the first time. I won’t care, whether I was just 11, and you were just 12. I’ll let you hold my hands longer. And won’t rush on graduation day.

Next time. I’ll see you then.

Sabi ko yun huh. Clairvoyance thinking. Lest we forget, there is a Supreme Being who rules over us. And can change everything between all of us now, yesterday, tomorrow, in a blink of an eye ... in a snap of a finger.

Butterfly hopes.

I truly,sincerely love you, honey ko. I so want you, us in this life span. And even in the next lifetimes to come.

Lemme cry, the hardest, painfullest, to God in a little while before I go to bed.

By your side

sending that email
deactivating facebook
painfully liberating.

For Real

Hurt but not angry at you. I’ll get by. I always do.
I promise too that I’ll cherish childhood memories
Be happy with your sons and your one great love …
Luckiest is the man loving the woman he's married to.

Unreal

"You say that you love rain,
but you open your umbrella
when it rains...
You say that you love the sun,
but you find a shadow spot
when the sun shines...
You say that you love the wind,
But you close your windows
when the wind blows...
This is why I am afraid;
You say that you love me too..."



Weekend na 2 days from today. A little earlier, Lani and my password . Two weeks after a sweet suggestion … it is now disabled. Ok, lemme just do this and help me God to find that firm resolved.

Ang paglayo naman hindi in a blink of an eye. Dahan dahan naman talaga yan. Madalas paulti-ulit. Madalas pabalik-balik. Back where you started. :(. Tapos bawi uli. Drop again. Tayo uli. Ako pa, I have a long undisputed record of back-sliding and relapse. :(

Next step. IDD --- Isolation Driven Development. Useless naman, Ill get charged lang for the perpetual rings, the sents. Fucking freezer voicebox!

Me still figuring out how to put Eu here :) for call forwarding. Silly girl, silly old girl.

The art of feigning unawareness, pretending knowing not what you actually know. Or may be just plain and simple resounding silence. Cold mails, frozen walls.

Even to that place where we first met … let ‘em grow grasses and wildflowers.
And Nah, Im not coming to any meet ups. Left alone!
Back to Friday nights, we go drinking.

… shutting down … Jesus … this will be long, hard and painful.

Here goes …

Él simplemente no es tan en me

Mimi Tanner’s harder on us. She crushed our hearts like tomato, it feels like she wants a catsup factory from our RBCs LOL. Greg, my Greg, our lovable Mr. Behrendt… harder with his tribe :). Throwing short straight punches, critical to the soul, but still tells us how beautiful we are, and deserve no less than wonderful :)

We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they’re behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, rather than one explanation that’s the truth: he’s just not that into me.

"We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don't mean. We make promises we don't keep. "I'll call you." "Let's get together." We know we won't. On the Human Interaction Stock Exchange, our words have lost almost all their value. And the spiral continues, as we now don't even expect people to keep their word; in fact we might even be embarrassed to point out to the dirty liar that they never did what they said they'd do. So if a guy you're dating doesn't call when he says he's doing to, why should that be such a big deal? Because you should be dating a man who's at least as good as his word."

"If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fcking phone call."

"Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside."

"big plans require big action"

No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

"A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the
woman he loves"

Having said all these, straight from the horse’s mouth … There are 4 major factors that are significantly present here. Too much distance, the lack of communication, faith as much as love, too little.