Just a theory

On a Christmas party evening,  I was asked a hypothetical question (innocently, i hoped, too) after my fourth champagne coupe of Margarita (sadly, which tasted more pineapple than tequila arrgghhh)

So what is it gonna be like the next time you fall in love?

I said, "I will have pre-requisites.  All or nothing."
 I'm adamant about it, this time, no compromises.  It's a downhill race.  And, in no particular order:
(and i saw jaws about to drop --- and i haven't said a thing yet, just about the all or nothing "pre-qua" lol)

1)  Next time, I'm gonna fall in love 'has to be with someone I  can trust/deserves my trust, 100%.  Whose words, I take as bible truth.   Written on stones, beyond-paper-like-marriage certificates.  Even when he is away,  i sleep peacefully, knowing my love is safe with him.

2)  And trust him with my life and my daughter's.  When during trying times, he's got to be somebody I can depend on, instead of vanish into thin air, without regret or guilt, just like that, left me and my daughter, alone in squabbles.

I'm a hopeless case.  I have very strong, serious trust issues, If he  doesn't deserve my 100%, then  I can't give him my 1%.    I think that's fair nuff.

3)  Next time, I'm gonna fall in love 'has to be with someone who loves me in words and in actions, online offline.  In real life and in cyber life.

4) Next time, I'm gonna fall in love 'has to be with someone who is proud of me.  And not keep me hidden like I'm an illegal contrabond, a dirty linen, a cheap whore, a skeleton in his closet.  I want somebody who does not want to keep our relationship a secret, online offline.  In real life and in cyber life.

5) Next time, I'm gonna fall in love 'has to be with someone who's cut clean from his past.  No baggage of erring or scheming fuck buddies, girlfriends, wives. and not use children either as a bait or an excuse (unless kids are not within the age of reason, or have grown to be spoiled and unreasonable, or may be born with special needs --- c'mon --- this crap trap is so lame, I'm ditchin' it!)

And with regard to anything about his relationship status, I will demand for proofs or any physical evidence, any written document certified true copy LMAO.   And definitely, I will ask around, ask friends, mine, his, common.  I will ask  families, especially his.  Next time, I will not hesitate.  Never hesitate. Never.  Again hesitate.

6)   Next time, I'm gonna fall in love has to be mutual.
(I won't even date someone who just pretend to like me but actually doesn't really care.)


Round this time, I had too many broken jaws to pick up from the floor where we were seated, on my fifth and last glass of Margarita that tasted more pineapple than tequila.  Damn!

"That kind of "someone I'm gonna fall in love" is just a theory.  In my world, that does not exist. :-)".

Gratitude going live online

It is a shame this jar doesn't overflow.   When I've got my hands full for the last 365 days.
Not that I did not recognize the lessons and the gifts.  I guess, it's more of  a 'technical capability" issue :).  Old fashion handwriting is becoming extinct in  my present skill set :-) ... I am ubiquitous with this technology as this keyboard replaces my pen  (which I like, given my bad penmanship :)) --- and limited patience with pens and tiny papers rolled up one by one in a pretty jar which will look better and will be more useful in the witch kitch ;-) )  ).  And these high-tech machines, but mere tools, my brain, my heart, still in their rightful places, only hungrier and sharper.

And I was never the one with an  ungrateful spirit.  Behind this pragmatic and (contextually) cynical adult is a child-like presence when it comes to tokens, promises, surprises, celebrations, admiration, generosity.  I want this a tradition.  And instill this to my own child.  Inspire my circle of influence. For a life of gorgeous chaos,  this vagabond give thanks.

Friday night, last night, 26th of December, because blessings are infinite, I created crazybeautiful, my online gratitude journal, www.thegratefulgypsy.blogspot.com

Share the bliss.  Spread the word.

A call to action

'Tis the Season to be Jolly ...

Happy Christmas.

(something about coming back that makes me cry.  Sending out this season's greetings via my Facebook. Me jusz missing everyone. )

huhu buti pa si Walter ng Farmville na miss ako ... and that's my Farmville (helper) Honey jumping for joy jusz upon seeing me :) 

my life after ...

at http://www.wattpad.com/user/lovelace1970 ... short stories of young hungry (sometimes angry) writers

at http://lovelace1970.tumblr.com/ ... the world's oldest juvenile delinquent enjoying delicious words of Poindexter, Tyler Knott,  Faudet, Lang, Erin, Finn and some of the best of Pinoy Indie

at https://www.bloglovin.com/lovelace1970 ... organizin' my fave blogs ahuh

at http://www.ebay.ph/usr/lovelace1970 ... tryin' to go global, and hopin' to etsy soon ;-) 

having said that --- this gypsy's fairy tales spinning here, in this place --- cheers to all the musing, the doodles, the rants, and thanksgiving!  crazybeautiful!  over the years, this remains my secret hiding place, my Annex away from the Gestapo.  Only blood friends know about this, and of course Mark and his trolls (but the trolls are dead now so .... ;-* )

meant to follow
public but unknown
hobby centric ... reading blogging shopping
there's actually a big highway out there beyond Zuckerberg
my prayer is for  homo sapiens especially adults to use these platforms the way it should be ... as I am fucking! tired of fucking ! hook ups in fucking! social places like fucking! Facebook!, g+, yahoo,and for heaven's sake even Goodreads and linkedin.  Now you get it (even with my officemates prodding (bordering to irritating persistence!) --- I don't fucking! Tinder!
and Tinder the first time I tried it (giving in to Momma Evie) ... all I found were lonely, sad middle aged men with too-good-to-be-true profile pictures, who claim without guilt or shame to be single, never married, separated, divorced, widowed LOL ...  and push it even farther disguising flirting behind poor choice of adjectives and adverbs and nouns and hobbies and interests and values --- trying to oversell or undersell themselves --- damn I was there the first time and I knew right away that if I was gonna fall to any one of them --- maloloko na naman ako, pati gallbaldder ko iiyak, and am gonna break my poor old silly heart again, and this fucking circle is never gonna stop --- this silly old hag is never gonna get stitched.
and die in pulverized pieces instead.
Tinder men like Facebook men --- damned they're so good at it.  you'll never know the difference (if there's any at all).  they concoct stories like bible truths.  hide the real status of their personal lives behind self-proclaimed responsible fatherhood.  and swear their love and adoration for you, and lie about it. and and still (dunno how) they can sleep peacefully like babies at bedtime.

So I am no less a  has-been deep throatin' pornstar who ascended back to heaven cause baby, your world is no place for me*.

*a little alchemy on D. Ochs

This is where I leave you ...

Page 2 THE ANSWER TO YOUR WHYS ... continuation from Welcome to my Hermitage  (page 1 of 2)

"I am jealous.  Of  what I did not have with him.  Of  what I don’t have with him here and now.  And what I will never have with him in a thousand years.

You see, right now it’s a place where I’ve cultivated sadness.   That feeling I've allowed memories and silhouettes to haunt me for an extended period of time.  I go there and I cannot describe to you in words that tummy ache, that headache, that burning sensation round my eyes, and those galvanized sheets slicing my chest ... you will never understand, I dunno how to explain.  Our circumstances are different.  You don’t carry my chains.  You don't know my kind of love. For two moons, for what i thought was my paradise, he traveled secretly on sweet, unfamiliar grounds ... 

... it is now, my official venue for my hurts and my masochistic tendencies.  It is where I planned, and tried many times over.  My orchestrated death.   I wanted to, but couldn’t. 

Because … 

... it was my place for my swing set.  It was my Angel's Knoll.   Tedious, perpetuating, unforgiving …  it was a place where I waited for him  ...and he was like the answer to the question that never came."

***

Thanks for overseas phone calls, emails, messages in FB where I currently squat right now on my daughter's property, Sophie V. Merza @ https://www.facebook.com/SophiaEnchanted :),  Group Chats, messages in Goodreads, Instagram, etc etc  Mobile calls still expensive, Viber works for me ahuh.

You see, you will find me everywhere, except there.  Who know's I'd be getting some fine stitchings, and all prettified when I come back some day.  Remember, Facebook ain't Instagram.   :-)  Ain't permanent :-)

experimenting on Bloglovin ...

blender home	post + publish!	read latest	message board

New Submissions:
The Distance of Two
By lovelace.
infinity

The Distance of Two He said, “You the one who got away.” She said, “You the one who passed me up.” He said, “You left me.” She said, “You pushed me away.” He said, “I waited.” She said, “Nah, You never got there.”

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

my love for babies

Our baby boy, Timmy.  Ain't he such a candy.

This year, we welcome a new addition to the family.  Our sweet so mabait Hailey Bae.

Tiz' my original baby love ... Sophia Clarisse. 

... and this is genuinely VINTAGE, Mayvel. --- ang Promotor lol

*** I have a habit of collecting baby pics of people really close to my heart so in my (late) FB :(,  I have an album of them ... some taken in their random moments, some orchestrated pictorials ...

ALBUM TITILE:  so heart dainty babies,  terrible toddlers and demanding kiddos

from Left to Right:

First row:  my cousins Rory, Franco and Carrots.  My pampangkins Trisha Anne, Stephi and Timmy.

Second Row:  My nieces, Miranda and Erika, nephews, Nero, Ed Steven, Russell and Ian and 2nd Gen Dognuts' Jhana (Remy Dela Rea's unica hija, here by the poolside with Sophie, despedida swimming before flying to Melbourne)

Third Row:  yay continuation of Dognuts 2nd Generation... Jomat's girls in Sydney, Pong's Crew, Team Felias, Tess' Chloe, Nat's Robin, Luz' duo, and Danny's boys :), CITEM's Luigi and baby sis

Fourth Row:  CITEM's Kids all over place:  Kiko, Inah, Bei, Amiel, EJ, VonRye, Thirdy, Paige, Vince, etal

Last Row:  GMA's Nychee, Achi and Rebi, and  HS classmate Marco's Jacob, Willy's pamangkins, best dude GerryBoy's Joshua Nigel

 When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.  And now when every new baby is born its first laugh becomes a fairy.  So there ought to be one fairy for every boy or girl.  ~James Matthew Barrie, Peter Pan

Children see, children do.

Don't you wish sometimes you're perfect ... at least for the sake of the little ones ... 



One Sunday @ Church.  This played as a reminder.  I hope it's not too late.

Marc and Angel's 10 Painfully Obvious Truths Everyone Forgets Too Soon

10 Painfully Obvious Truths Everyone Forgets Too Soon
by http://livelearnevolve.com/author/marcandangel/
Am such a BIG FAN I follow them everywhere :)




11*)  Truth hurts like love does. 





*my fair share

Playground

1) Profile, on and off.   First online sighting.
2)  Destine's Will.  First mention of social/civil status.  Connection noted.  Relevance --- i didn't care.
3)  Silver Jubilee, Family Day.  First offline encounter.
4)  A couple of profiles made me suspicious.
5)  Potential new playmate.

What's happening to the world.  Teachers used to be my favorite persons in the whole wide world.  My mom being a teacher herself, long before she joined the corporate world.  A couple of my besties are top of the line educators (being topnotch students themselves when we were in still school).   Teachers helped me raised my daughter.  How could I survive educating my child without them?

Then the tribe decreases.  They begun living secret lives, and secret lives revealed via social media without any shame and guilt.  Facebook for hook ups  is forgivable but i cannot stomach their consistently wrong grammar, very poor thought process, scattered brains, palengkera stunts posted as shout outs in Facebook, hilarious and hideous, I came to a point that I hid their updates from my newsfeed, unless my friend, Maryliza would invite me for some Tylenol moments lol, and would ask me to check the blackboard :-)

Number one did not catch my attention yet.  It wasn't about somebody's Profile, getting counted or not.

Until he mentioned.  That figures.  Such a remark was a little prominent.  I didn't take it well.  I will explain later.

December 2011 was flesh and blood, and way out of my league.  I always prefer to be with my friends or 4-1 at the very least.  I'm a bit discriminating.  That's my right.  I have no regrets at all with the company I chose to be with.  I'm actually  better off.  I have zero-patience to anything mediocre and put-on. Even when I'm drunk.  Especially when I'm drunk.   I am not here to please anybody.  And I'm not easy to please myself.  Actually I do not like being pleased.  Genuinely pleasant people are natural and sincere.  Effortless.  So when there is effort, makes me uncomfortable, makes me doubt.  And when I doubt, I leave.  I either give you my 100%, or none at all.  But you know, you gotta deserve the 100%.  I have to make sure of that, otherwise, it's not worth it,

So then I was right.  Several accounts tell you a story.  I admit I had 2 Facebook accounts.  The second one was due to Destine's Will's prodding.  But you see, I am one person who really cannot divide 100% of my affection to two.  I cannot serve two masters all at the same time, with fairness and equality.  In my heart, there's just one.  It's hard enough to maintain one account, how harder it could get even if have two or more.  I have the same network anyway, and they're not too big a network.  But some people I know would have more, one for their official partners, one or two for hook-ups.

Oh well, I got dumped, I've been had, I go hurt, I was angry.

But then again, I am not the one who's still in that phase.  I was going to be 42,  and I didn't want to get my hands dirty just for casual sex.  Anger is a bad excuse.  Hurt, worse.  I got dumped but so what everybody get that in a lifetime.  I'm just a number.  I left (again).

I have one apology to make. You out there, you reading this piece.  I'm so sorry Willy.

***

I've always been using my maiden name in social media, one because, I do not wish to mix up my corporate identity with my personal life.   CITEM, though,  was an exemption it has a special place in my heart.  I owe a big part (a good part) of my being to CITEM.  My CITEM family was the only thing  "business" I allowed to be part of my personal life.  Nothing else came close afterwards.  Again, I'm very discriminating.

Second, people from my past, they know me by my "name".  That straight and simple. :-) .

My choice of name gave me away.  Suddenly I was bombardized with pick-up lines. But only one line got me.  Because of my "name", my claim to fame. :-(,  I broke my heart.  And it changed me.

It was too late for me to understand the psyche behind a woman's maiden name.     So I was told that it was like becoming a cult in Facebook.  Batchmates, schoolmates, classmates, old friends and exes, hooking up.  They come home to the Philippines, minus their spouses and partners, attend reunions like it was  a  big orgy!  It was ridiculous.  It was fantastic!  Insane!  That strong desire to have sex with people other than your spouse/partner, people from your innocent past.  That was the idea.  It was too late when I heard of that story.  Too late that it did not come out as a warning but pure gossiping.  

I joined and got active in social media not to turn myself into a prostitute and peddle myself to my network.  I will respect individual differences and sexual preferences but I will neither be part of anything like that nor endorse something like that.

Even when I do not subscribe to it anymore, i  still have high regards to people who are courageous enough to want to fall in love.  I take my hats off.

 My evasion plan ... go back to my married name at least in my FB, limit my interaction outside Dognuts, and CITEM and a handful of batchmates I feel I am safe with (I hope I wasn't wrong about them).  Suddenly there was peace.  No more bothersome school boys.  No more indecent proposals

Ang lake naman nang Batch 86, ilang schools ba meron sa Gapo during my time, some old folks, married, single, separated, widowed, actually regardless of civil status, there is quite a pool of potential playmates willing enough to play games.

Cuz me, my friend, --- i'm Taurus, and a dog, and raised well by my Village ...
I played for keeps.



*The End*

Welcome to my Hermitage (page 1 of 2)

Page  One --- THE HANDS THAT ROCK THE CRADLE, ARE FULL

If they asked why I didn't say goodbye ... so they did ... so I said ... these kept me ... workin' and grounded ... these days while I'm away ...

*catching up with my readings
the year's almost done and i miss the fireworks like the Fifty Fuck Ups ;-) ... i know they been a little shitty ... i didn't end up talking/writing about them ... very much like ho-hummm sex ... waking up wasted, forgetful, thankless from mechanical sex and fake orgasms!

somehow Pearl Cleage's happy (fiction) ending saved they day...  why not, when reality sucks all over the place ... happy fiction quiet in a little corner is a welcome relief.

and this place of short stories from indie writers, less known but not necessarily of less meaning :) ... via my own wattpad ---   http://www.wattpad.com/user/lovelace1970 --- come read my favorite from mylittlemissoddity Amelia, ... http://www.wattpad.com/14753713-love-stories-for-a-rainy-day-iii-daisy-chains-and  ...  when you're torn between daisies and dandelions (like I am :) ) and why some childhood hurts :-( (like mine does)

seriously, i've read and cried and gnashed my teeth on China's Cultural Revolution, The Romanovs and Rasputin.

you see i've got busy days ahead.  warming up with My Hundred Lovers.  My pipeline looks like this (1)  Dear Teen Me, (2) Pretty in Pink  (3)   The Poetic Underground  (4)  Lang Leav  (5) Finn Butler  9^)  Poindexter

and my many many many online bookmarks  for DIYs, home improvements, trivia list, forensic science (forensic science What The!!! lol) etc etc

too short a life huh and jusz too many books and stuff to read ...

**catching up with my writing
the birth of a porn star whose bloated decomposing cadaver lies shamelessly on a rusty dissection table, lost in some forgotten  low class morgue --- a memory that thrives in the company of poets, http://loveblender.com/,  and storytellers, http://lovelace1970.tumblr.com/  ... thank you tumblr for the second chance.  and kirk for the many chances ;-)

Destine's Will was shortlived.  Nose diving fast to oblivion.  can you keep a secret??? ...  lovelace is jane doe. ;-) ...

All of my draft folders are getting too crowded these days.  don't have enough time for all the things I want to say.

***my little enterprise
... to sustain an addiction.  period.   to camouflage a delusional psychosis into something useful and positive.  SophieEnchanted is growing the whole nine yards but decides not to go mainstream (not yet).  Her kind of Posh prefers quiet and steady.  Mom's playground is her daughter's training ground.

I am a rockstar by night.  And a personal shopper by day time.  If you miss me, come by ... https://www.facebook.com/SophieEnchanted

Next, my cousins and I, are looking at Gensan, for a business opp.  I'm excited on this one.  Bikers Unite!

Next, next ... this month, definitely getting into some investment stuff, me buying a few shares from San Miguel Corporation.  Col Financial Philippines is such a haven for stock dummies like me :) ... Thank God.

****Mommylicious

My daughter is 17.  18 come March.  I've always been a hands-on mom.  Mobile, from time to time, but still very hands-on.  Many things going on with Sophie's young dear life.  I have to make sure that I am with her every step of the way.  Well,  that OC because she's still a minor, on life apprenticeship, under Mom's tutelage ;-) ... time's fast and life's short and tricky ... too many lessons to teach and learn from.

We've talked about her coming out gig for her 18th birthday.  Better than a traditional ball (which I am not a fan even as a teenager).  We're working  on her OJT in Portland.   And sending her to grad school.  Guiding her organizing event projects (thank God for CITEM for my undisputed track record and admirable work standards --- I've always been a proud CITEM alumna), homeworks for some mental gymnastics, crafting her resume for OJT, studying business processes, planning/fighting over her wardrobe etc etc

Sophie is in a journey, and I'm joining her in that.

Yet there are limitations.  And conditions.  Within and outside human power.  As a child, I've always thought my own mother was immortal.  And that her love for me, was more than enough drive for her not to die on me.  I thought God would be considerate ... made my Mom an exception.  Well, eventually, I was all by myself.  An orphan at 36.

My blood chem looks perfect on paper but my body is telling me otherwise.. Two months ago, my breasts have gone cystic and my OB's asking for 6 months for another mammogram and breast ultrasound.  I am not happy waiting around for another 6 months ... And I'm saying, I'm already 44 and I've got small ear lobes like mom's.  I'm cramming and a little panicky equipping my child not just to be able to manage  life on her own, but also make herself productive,  and live a relatively good,  meaningful life.

 I recently figured in a road accident and it  was a close call.  Not yet.

I can't slip.

Sunday after church.  Lunch with relatives. Visited my cousins' Vietnamese store @ Noel Bazaar 2014.  Picked up my new Coloud Pop @ Pedro Gil.  Shopped @ Robinsons Place Manila.  Capped the night with some pasta dinner @ Mary Grace's.  Dead meat tired but worth it.  

Page 2 THE ANSWER TO YOUR WHYS ... to be continued ...

thinking aloud up in the clouds

I miss international flights.  And to be surrounded by foreign faces.  The sound of multi-lingual.  The scent of European cigar and Asian spice ;-) ...

Strong coffee, spicy dark chocolate ... I love the pretty sight of my freshly manicured blue painted little finger nails over the the pages of Pearl Cleage ... air pocket was crazy but you know what bored me in the beginning has now caught my peculiar attention ...

The airplane was shaking and it made me dizzy but words were popping like crazy in my head ...

then there were diamonds around my neatly curled lashes, but no waterfalls as if they found a "happy" place in the peripheral of my eyes :)

... and so i said to myself ...

If they asked why I didn't say goodbye ...  I'd say, reading, writing, dusting off, and Sophie Enchanted ...

... oh how easy for you to forget, and why not?  It was just two months.  And she is your wife.



*PS*
I was trying to text my daughter 30,000 feet above sea level , to amuse her of course :)

Fall Out Girl

11 November 2014
jusz checked out of Red Palm
now trippin' the roads of Mindanao
in my driver's playlist
this song was playing.




Dreamt of Dennis last night ... and now his song for me was playing ... makes me wonder ... why can't two people fall in love, same level and intensity, and stay that way, all the way. Life would have been easier. And love dignified. When there are no other concepts, no other choices. No other memories to haunt you down. No buts no what ifs. When hearts are not restless, there is one less chaos in the world ... there is peace. Why then? ...

Bucket List: Boyzz II Men Live in Manila Concert - September 17, 2014

Baka sa susunod nilang balik, malamang lolo na sila at lola  naman na ako. Nah, I was not to pass up on this one









Credits to JChua  --- i lost mine kasi :(



you know, it's crazy, the many many things I enjoy doing alone. Nah, I don't feel sorry ...

Para kay Andy

Curiosity ain't love but one man's temporary solitude, his impatience on his loneliness, his overwhelming need and insatiable longing for a woman, on his bed, each time.

I am Raggedy Ann.  My place is the dumpster.

I ♥ Leyte

The first time I was there, I paid my respect.  To a place I came to love.

The ruins of the Daniel Z. Romualdez Airport ... moments when I basked on sunshine and fresh air ...

 A said my prayers and shed tears ...the many lives lost and sorely missed altared in San Joaquin  Church.  The way we go and how bad it hurts, a few things in my list, "My No nonsense, unadulterated ask-all Questions to God", writin' em down, will post and will share soon as I'm done.

The fall from Grace

People are needy in general.  I used to be too.  After a failed marriage and a failed after marriage, I guess, it’s human nature to long for  a relationship, something, anything.  Or may be just regular sex.  Or may be just missing sex.  There’s gotta be a need.  So after Dennis, there was Panyong and Dresden, some times cute, some times sweet, nevertheless, all failed attempts.  For some closure, in case anyone of these three men are reading this entry, my-after-marriage relationships were all borne out of need, must say.  I was too obsessed to prove something at least to myself, that somehow I can get a decent, mature,  mutually satisfying  really deep connection with the opposite sex.  I rigidly worked on that for a time.

So what is this all about?  Addressing a need?  Finding the One?  Keeping the One?  Losing the One?  I learned about their story.  And love as a convenient excuse.  And how cunning and selfish we become.  We fulfill a need all for all the wrong reasons.  I thought it was too juvenile, and yet we still behave carelessly like that at mid life.

Coupling.  That was sweet.  Too sweet.  Too all over the place.  What we display publicly, I hope, is real in private.  Not just private intimate moments, but alone time moments.  Just between you and your bed sheets if bed sheets is your conscience is like between you and your God.  That’s what I meant, when I say private.

I remember Science High School.  We were Seniors, and they were like a bunch of cute brainy kids.  I remember Cindy.  I love Cindy.  I so wanted her for my little sister.  We were such smart brats, and we mutually adored each other.  Who else were there?  Dognuts’ siblings.  Nat’s Joy and Arlene’s Tino.  Oh, well she, she was unknown, just sayin’. 

So that figures each time she gets a little fidgety, pushy to the point of aggression lol.  She is over the top.  She goes overboard.  Too much accolade can become hideous.  Makes me question sincerity.   I questioned that from the very beginning.  Too much of pretty is pompous, especially when there’s lack of it, I mean pretty ;).  Then there’s about breeding and intelligence.  I don’t know if you’d agree with me.  A face can have a makeover but what’s underneath the skin must be really really deep --- and that’s about upbringing and wit. You can fake it, yes, but easily recognizable.  Actually, it’s a give away. Just sayin’

So she’s got like this other account.  Not fool proof enough.  How could you now fool proof it, you silly silly gurl :)).  I chanced upon it on a single day and I immediately knew what was coming. When you lie about something, I mean really serious, justice operates in such a way, that one day that shit is gonna stink, and there’s nothing you can do anymore.  She shouted to the world, to his family, to her friends that she loves him, yet there’s somebody else.  Technically, she cheated on him.  Honestly, that’s not love.  That’s “need” workin’ desperately on her arse lol.

His hands’ ain’t clean either. His term of endearment is one size fits all.  He’s got replacements haging neatly in his closet.  He prolonged it so he searches.  What used to be a want, may be, is now a need, a big bad void of a need.  Just exactly how many hearts did he leave broken?    What goes around comes around. Loneliness catches up with you in old age.  This is the example the next generation gets.  It’s in the bloodline now.   Men like this just got too much love to give.   Love as a need.   Then the world is in chaos.  (and I’m warning my daughter as fast as I can lmao).

It only takes two people to degrade love, all its strength, and beauty and meaning.    Dalawang taong sigurista at oportunista.  Two utilitarians, who need love more than want it.

At one place, and time.  Here, love lies.

Para kay Olav ...

I ran to church yesterday morning.  I had so many things to say.  But did not have the courage to speak them one by one.   Scorned and shamed.  I was tongue tied before God.   It was communion Sunday --- a celebration when God's is most forgiving.  And all that I said was, "Lord, you know why I'm here".  

I took an emergency call in the middle of the Service.  There was trouble and it was a close call.  

People can change over time.  Many times we have to walk away even from those we deeply care about.  There are many reasons why.  Pain is one of them.    I guess it's not fair to say that just because you left it meant you didn't love the other person as much as the one who held on.  Lest we forget that pain hits the most silent, vulnerable core of our being.  That core we hide from the world or sometimes we even deny to our  very selves.  It gives way, and destroys the best parts of our being. You know the best parts that we've struggled and labored to put together for a long period of time, like a lifetime.  Pains sifts through it easily like hard water in pavement cracks,   Those little fractures on seemingly cemented grounds,  we thought were harmless ... can bring down a fortress.

That kind of destruction is viral.  It infects the innocent lives that surrounds us.  And yes, even the very source of that hurt. The circles of influence.   There is no antidote.  There is no balm.  None to a heart that is broken, and that kind of pain and sadness that comes from it.    Nobody knows when it stops. We just hope that one day it will go away. 

That's when you pack your things, and leave.  It's heavy huh walking away with that big big suitcase full of regrets.  So it's not that you didn't love her enough.  But because you will destroy her even more after you have become the person  badly destroyed by that pain she caused you.  She was hard water, you've got pavement cracks, don't let your Kingdom go down to the grounds, and let all your broken  pieces swallowed up in the big ocean.  She needs you whole, and in good working condition.  So may be some other time huh.  May be not today.  Not this Sunday.

Or may be never, too.  We can't tell.  But from this destructive situation,  you saved yourself.  You saved her, too.  I will not question your feelings for her.  But may be, sometimes, it's not all about that.

We love people.  They break our trust.  We leave.  Should we go back because we still love them  but not trust them.  Of course, we can.  But I suggest we don't.  Not until we are ready  to trust them again, that innocent, that pure, that immaculate, may be not that kind anymore, the same way we trusted them the first time.  But that just-let-it-go kind, like i-wanna-do-this-again kind of trust.  But if we can't do like-kinda trust,  will see tables turned.  And we'd end up hurting them in return.  So, rather not.   Love without  trust  is like  playing catch a grenade.  And isn't it that love and pain and love and pain is such a vicious cycle.  We go round and round in circle until we trip,  and lose ourselves in the process.

How then?  I don't know.  Dunno when.  May be soon, later or never.  I dunno how.  May be after we've processed our pain, and heal.  Then may be we're ready to go trusting people again, even strangers, even those who once broke our hearts.  

I promised to pray for them.  I did.   It was communion Sunday --- a celebration when God is most gracious.  Dear Lord, healing please to friends torn between leaving and tearing each other apart. 

Here's to Olav.

Mommy Diaries: First Flights

Sophie Moments:

Last Thursday was her first flight without mommy. Destination: Cebu and Bohol. In between our SMS and calls, this exchange, loving and funny, between Mommy and her little big girl:

Sophie: Mommmmm ng ganda ganda dito superrrrr!!!! (as she was saying this I imagine her facial expression (her almond eyes, big, round, joyful joyful and that whoaaaa grin lol)

Mom: talaga as in super super like you want to live there and don't want to come home anymore hehe (I AM THE WORLD'S MOST AGITERANG MUDRA EVER LMAO)

Sophie: Ma ... di nga as in super super ganda talaga whoaaaa

Mom: Me inggit (silently  ) ... and jusz missing my nemesis hehe ... suddenly i hate peace and quiet when she's away ... i realized how i love our silly fights 

Sophie: superrrrrrrr Ma ... ang ganda ....

Sophie: ... lalo na yung buffet!!!

Mom: nyahaaaaaa it's all about the food sabi na nga eh ahahahah

Travel Throwback

Sophie's very first airplane ride, with Mommy and Lola Miles

She was trying to give Mommy a wink on-air

... and this was how I kept her busy all through out the flight 

Blessingschallenge 5 crazybeautiful

15 September 2014

I am thankful for the 3 gifts i received today: 

1) NFC was in good mood. And the rest of this story I leave to God. 
2) Our online shop is expanding. Initially, we carry Jansport bags (authentic, brand new overruns) and moving forward to ALL branded make-ups, perfumes, toiletries, etc etc sourced directly from the US and, and budget-friendly wearables for teens in the pipeline.

My daughter and I are shopping junkies, online and offline lol! God decided that we might as well bring our creativity and energy in a more productive venue. Sophie Enchanted is our rehab 

c) Mid life crashing thank God for genuine friendship and lifelong friends. Such a bliss. Cheers to DOGNUTS!!!

Now I challenge 3 of my friends, Gerry Boy Paredes, Jovy Catunao Gonzales,Jocelyn Ong de Jesus to do these 5-day Positivity Challenge. Share and post 3 things you are thankful for 5 days and let positivity abound in this wonderful world!

Blessingschallenge 4 - A Beautiful Mess

14 September 2014

I am thankful for the 3 gifts i received today: 

1) Weekend afternoon naps --- getting rare these days but this afternoon I slept like a ba’e ;)… My Sunday is gonna be long and wonderful . Who knows, I can stay up for the FIBA 2014 Championship la la la

2) I cleaned my daughter’s room … as I always say, there’s only one room in my house that’s an eye sore --- hers! I started unwillingly well also because I was trying to teach her a lesson blah blah blah blah --- but getting my daughter’s mess cleaned up felt good for me, for two reasons: 1) I could be a neat freak around the house (especially these days when I don’t have a maid --- so it’s definitely CLAY GO in Pixieland these days ). Cleaning is like a coffee, and book and writing and shopping and all my fave fixations all together. My Zen. … and … two, as always, this, my service to my daughter.  --- So turning Sophie’s messy room upside down is therapeutic and good for a mother’s soul!

3) Fresh new coffee grounds delivered yesterday --- today, the scent is all over my kitch … and the scrubs all over me . Thank God for Starbucks 

Now I challenge 3 of my friends, Edna Senobio Almeda, Alain Penaflorida Marilyn I. Catunao to do these 5-day Positivity Challenge. Share and post 3 things you are thankful for 5 days and let positivity abound in this wonderful world!

Blessingschallenge 3 ... Steel Magnolias

  13 September 2014 (Saturday)

I am thankful for the 3 gifts i received today:

1)  Got my results  online.  Well they say, necessity in the mother of invention :) … over the years, I grew fond of “researching” about my medical condition whatever that is.    I was doing good, thank God!  Except … oh this thing again huh …  my emotional uterus acting up again LOL, and my left ovary went hiding.  Haha sooooo me.  Mana sa may ari talaga lol

Dr. Quack said, No sweat. :)

2)  Saturday ghost stories.  Over dinner.  Me and my daughter.  What could be lovelier than that.
3)  Tried Haiku.  Dark Haiku. My Haiku.  Now posted.  In ‘Blender.*

(me back to writing poetry :) )

Now I challenge 3 of my friends, Ronnie Espina, Elgin Espina and Mons Espina to do these 5-day Positivity Challenge. Share and post 3 things you are thankful for 5 days and let positivity abound in this wonderful world!

Blessingschallenge Day 2: ... little, fierce.

 12 September 2014 (Friday)

I am thankful for the 3 gifts i received today: 

1) It's been decided, after months of dilly-dallying, i'm fasting and getting all the works and the preps, today I stopped being stubborn, I'm getting my full abdomen ultrasound tomorrow  (i need prayers, still)
2) Went for a walk down memory lane**, early this evening, after office,and remembered old familiar faces and places and moments. Impromptu nostalgia is good for the soul.  I love you Manila, keep the lovely memories coming!
3) I got my fabric pens (brown and orange) possibly for some quick remedy for two of my favorite tops, I was careless and spilled bleach on 'em , the young sales staff from The Oil Paint Store was very sweet, nice and helpful, she was my bonus.

Now I challenge 3 of my friends, Phia Lorraine Yater-Dalmazo, Jeffel Joy Lumacad and Jena Garcia to do these 5-day Positivity Challenge. Share and post 3 things you are thankful for 5 days and let positivity abound in this wonderful world!

** Cruisin' the streets of Manila ... a little scary but lovin' the nostalgia. 1st stop Tayuman --- just behind SM San Lazaro, namiss ko tuloy si Ronnie Navalta de Gracia  (a very dear friend who passed away February 2011)  ... then the sight of old Malate and my Geisha memoirs lol ... La Salle Taft and MBA days... and Buendia --- napatili ako ng walang sound --- CITEM I labs you!!!

Blessingschallenge Day 1: Gorgeous Chaos

 11 September 2014 (Thursday)

I am thankful for the 3 gifts i received today: 
1) A lot of people made me smile today ... Jocelyn Ong de Jesus posted a very inspiring FB message this morning, 'had catching up chit chats with my besties DOGNUTS, some brief emo lovin' exchange with Gerry Boy Paredes, got into this bagong uso na challenges ek like yours Bok Rowena P. Ebriega and Phia Lorraine Yater-Dalmazo's.
2) Cheers to some fresh starts --- my baby cousz, Franco Deo Soriano's birthday today,
3) I got home early --- a chance to rest (since i havent been feeling well the past few days), watched FIBA 2014 Semis, France VS Spain and Remembering 911@ NatGeo.

Now I challenge 3 of my friends, Jocelyn Jumawan , Arlene Lee Mataban andJonathan Catunao to do these 5-day Positivity Challenge. Share and post 3 things you are thankful for 5 days and let positivity abound in this wonderful world!

***
seriously, this exercise felt good. i did this one closed to midnight last night, wanting to delay until the next morning (this morning)  but it will somehow defeat the purpose.  

forced.  it's a shame that many times we have to force ourselves to remember and appreciate the many things, people, moments, reasons, intentions, good deeds that we receive and give every passing day.  it's a shame that perhaps we equate blessings only with the big, grand ones, as if, the small, simple ones do not amount to anything.  we bother and thank God for serious endeavors and publicly acknowledged achievements, and take for granted that every morning we wake up to a brand new day.

i must admit, i was guilty of that.  my "bliss" jar, i commissioned myself to fill with my daily blessings for the year 2014 --- collecting dusts and motionless, lonely in a corner, up there in my aging bookshelf.

and for the past days ... may be the weather ... may be my colds and that feverish feeling ... or this usual cramps during my period ... and my bestie sad and touchy about her recent (nth but this time for good) separation  --- and then me and that awful feeling again ... i love to miss you then hate myself for that --- im all beaten up these days,

then God got creative.  or may be He's a little fed up with many of us :) ... this challenge running around social media like wild buffaloes. God wants us to feel good about ourselves, that's a step closer to being happy :) ... this is God reminding us of all the reasons why we should be happy ... the reasons we usually overlook.