DENNIS TEXAS

Sabi ni Malu, Dallas, yun pala Katy.  Hay naku wrong info.  But she's your friend, not mine.  That figures.  I've always known your crew being bias.  That also explains my very miniscule respect (close to none at all) on them ... and why I cannot be friends with them.  It's gonna be new year 2 days from now,  i really hope they finally have the heart to GROW UP!  :-)

Doctor ka ba?  You making the rounds eh.  LOL  ... You have two little chikitings,  your hands are supposed to be full.  I honestly suggest that you concentrate on them.  Mga bata pa yang mga yan, they need your attention more than I do haha ...   Bantayan mo mga anak mo habang nasa hospital misis mo instead of snooping around, ok.  That's a friendly (unsolicited) advice.

Anyways, thanks  anyways.  For coming over time to time.  But I'm telling you your MESSING UP MY STATS here, I mean from Tamuning, Guam to Texas. And that freaks me out!   I am a blogger, and matalino ako, alam mo yan.  So I don't exist here as if i'm clueless of the things around me.    I don't need all the details.  Just one hint and that's it.  Jaded.  Marked for life. lol

So for visiting, thanks but no thanks.




***hey big shot!  dame dame namang gadgets, apples na androids pa.  Ikaw na!


lastly, must say, ang ampogi ni Kyle (he's not even 8) and ang pretty ni Alex (she's not even 4). Alagaan mo silang mabuti they're still babies wag kung saan saan naglilimayon ang isip!  Be well. As for me, I'm better off.  I like it that way.

The Dresden Files**

That’s what I’m saying, sometimes love happens brief and fast, when you are given that chance you take it  as genuinely  as it was given to you. Why take it for granted, when second chances are not guaranteed.    Mark served his time.  He waited and waited and waited until it was completely gone  without  turning back, no remorse, none at all.  Wasn't he the one who said I was good at shutting down and hardest to re-boot.  But Mark baby, you had your chance, and you blew it!  

But you are not Mark.  You are more than that.  You weren’t just one of the files.  Or like a stack of paper turned brown and orange with ink marks faded in oblivion.   

It came back that clear, that profound,  for it never left.  Old and bottled up.  Feelings.

You were lucky.   It was handed to you twice in a lifetime. 

But we all got married, didn’t we (except Mark ... so please get married, too baby ... its lonely at the bottomless pit and misery do loves company ;-)  )?  So yes we did, not necessarily because we wanted to, but we because we needed to.   We followed the rules, we met expectations,  and that was great ...  or at least, we got close to something we thought was…

And that  …   when everyone longs for it but not everyone gets it.  Why do have to send it away? 

**this was was actually part of "On Being Jenny" which i started writing early December.  one of my musings about trust being gone --- one man breaking it and one woman losing the ability to trust again --- my attempt to measure the degree of difficulty between the two ... or may be i was trying really hard to justify how i got worse over the years, unforgiving to myself, nursing my cold calloused heart, feigning trust and loving it.  

and so another Christmas ... and what I did very recently in twitter, and pinterest and in here (tho briefly) and Alice Blue (permanently), and then there was Elena Tonra's darkness and Gretchen Schmid's sadness, https://www.instagram.com/p/_xpuq-gXQc11fd1Ve_SLMmW9Zof6ZbnFzfQcc0/    .... just like before everything else falling into place ...

buti pa ang Addams Family, may values ;-) **

New Profile Pic comin' up this January --- under the mistletoe, by the old green tree :))

** that was actually a running joke amongst my crew.  so i said, mine was dysfunctional, maternal, paternal, ours ...  but nothing close to fraudulent ... but honest and sincere, even with the weaknesses and the threats.  i always say, i do not want anything perfectly manicured, when it comes to relationships there is no such thing as flawless.  i do not want the wounds to be plastered by something like a little slit just above your chin (AKA a smile???) ... i only wear faux pearls because I couldn't afford the real ones.    i prefer shots stolen than styled.  i do not follow a script, and let love and trust and all God given virtues flow as naturally it should be.  i do not long and demand for these otherwise id end up working too hard to earn 'em even when its scarce or inexsitent.   when it should be enjoyed like the air we breathe and the earth we stand on.  for the best things in life is free.

i am 45 going 46, i am certainly fascinated with fairy tales but i don't live in any of them.  1970 makes me a dog, i am loyal.  april 21, i am taurus, earth sign, makes me pragmatic.  my word is my honor.   dreamt, spoken and written.

nah, you can never understand what i write about, and how i write,  i'm too painfully truthful to be understood, and to be taken seriously by those who struggle with it.

Saturday, 26th of December,  The year was 2015.  i am doing this while deep cleaning my kitchen and getting sentimental about losing Dr. Henry Morgan.

actually this is a Christmas story :-)

Little Miss Chief

Okay, 'nuff said.  Must be the weather or that time of the month again when the Period Fairy goes  ballistic!

I know the effects so it gotta be short-lived. My goals are met.  My friend's home.  We've exchanged numbers (for the nth time).  Jeffie's  airconditioning is undergoing complete overhaul LOL--- the room's ready for me haha ... my friends they spoil me ;-) --- I said, I have asthma hindi ako pwede sa alikabok at sa walang aircon .  Our itinerary is done, paid vacation leaves have been filed.  We're all set for some vodka nights haha

Moving forward, I got myself thinking happy thoughts lyke this one.  Dameng tawa namin mag nanay sa picture nya nato.  I think she was barely 3 years old in this  photo, and we just moved in with my mother.  Ako na ang pinaka metikulosong nanay, better read as pinaka MAARTENG NANAY.  Ask my cousins, I'm  borderline obsessive compulsive in taking care of babies and toddlers LOL  

Si Sophie nakalusot yan dito eh ahahah ... kasi busy kami ni Mama mag arrange ng house tapos wala pang yaya.  I usually don't let her play outside without adult supervision.  C'mon she was only 3 ... and such a baby still.  Eh nakalusot nga, bagong ulan lang so medyo basa ang kalsada, the club house across our house was surrounded with puddles of mud here and there.  Busy kami ni Mama so akala ko naman she was just in one of the corners of the house, busy with her toys.  I had that Hello Kitty mat (HK original huh, you can only get that from Gift Gate huh,  hindi pa uso nun ang Class A ahahah) all laid down on the floor where she was suppose to do her thing.

When I realized she was not anywhere in the house, I called for her --- like I was practicing my lungs LOL --- then my attention got caught up with something else.  My mom and I we actually felt her sneaking in, without remorse, from the front door, laid down silently on the mat, and naughtily pretended she was sleeping.  See her eyes half close/open, her tiny bangs greasy, her tiny right foot stiff, and hahaha the traces of mud on her pink leggings.  My daughter smelling like a baby eagerly wanting to be a little girl.  

A lovely memory like this successfully flushes out all the negative energies.

Sophie mischief

Me, Roxanne, Train Rides

"You back Moms?"  That was actully a remark.  Her opening salvo.

We always take the couch with the strongest airconditioning sometimes it would be the 2nd from the front, South bound.  Tonight, a tiny window was left open, the wind was getting in.

"My best girl from HS's coming home from Sydney. I said. Dapat 2016 pa sila maguuwian along with our other friends from San Diego and Ontario.  But Mame's cancer stricken, stage 4 ...  so what's left of us will have a little reunion in our little hometown on Christmas week.  My friends, Facebook is  their preferred platform.  I said viber though.   But majority wins.    She'll be home by next week, we need to rush and file our paid vacation.

The other reason concerns my daughter's travel to the US next year, I want to know my options in getting a less expensive, safer carrier.   My way of getting at a more informed decision ;-) For these reasons, I needed to activate again.  I'm sure I'd be done with all these really soon.  So everything elses in everyone elses lives will go back to normal."

That was a long revalida huh.  But ain't she a bit interrogating.  Intriguing.  Malicious.  :)

Tapos?  That again was actually a remark. She can read me like a book you know.  I remember during our very first train ride together she bombardized me with all the personal questions that she got into her head,  I was caught of guard, but I'm a pretty bad liar. That was when we started becoming friends.

Moments like this ... its hard to catch my gaze.  I purposely  was looking far and away from hers.  Ang likot ng mata ko, ang hirap hulihin.

Para matapos lang, I took the courage to face her for a second.

I sighed,  i smiled or i smiled then i breathed long ...  i actually do not remember which came first.

But even before she could say anything, i turned my head away. Each time my voice breaks I know what happens next.

It was just the two of us on a small bench inside the second couch of a big, moving train.    She didn't insist but I know she heard what I said softly against the wind

"Sayang.  Akala ko kasi mahal nya din ako."

Trying to be Marcelo (Round Two and more)

Akala ko kasi yun pala hindi.

Wala ng sasakit pa sa lokohin ka ng taong mahal mo,.  Lahat ng paliwanag ibibigay mo sa sarjli mo,  pipiliting mong paniwalain ang sarili mo.  Pabalik baliktarin mo man, paikut-ikutin mo man... babalik din  sa isang katotohanan. Yung inaasahan mo, yung pjnanghahawakan mo na mahal ka.  Eh hindi naman pala.

Yung pabablik ka sa isang lugar na walang katuturan.  May bangko na pang dalawahan.  Pero nakaupo ka mag-isa.  Lilingon ka para sa mga yapak, na isang pares lang pala naman. Naglakad ka papunta sa isang destinasyon, na wala din naman ... at bumalik ka ... sa isang lugar na mag-isa.

***

So I was asked about those nights ...  those that were happy, promising, hot and dirty.  It seemed like we got potential huh LOL  

I replied, "too much alcohol".  Remembering how I felt then, big words, how I said 'em and meant 'em regardless of the many questions in my head and all the consequences I thought I was imagining.  I fought my doubts like a soldier that was never hurt.  It was a cliffhanger, and all that I saw was the face of my savior  down the ravine and just before I felt the rocks on my face.  I jumped to my death that day, you know.  And all the beautiful imaginings of what I thought and what could have been died with me.

Big words.  I took 'em like they meant somethin' ... like it was immaculately clean ... and pure ... sincere .... for real.  Regardless of all the wild questions in my head.  So i thought, it that was war and we were in the frontline, I was clenching my fist, you were clenching yours.  We were fighting together, so I believed.

And then there were shattered pieces of things important.  I played dangerously, and made a chain like they were diamonds that I wear around my neck.  Everyday I lick the blood from a wound that's always fresh.

I was in the middle of a well beaten path, beneath crescent moons, a blanket of stars and the sound of fireflies. That was a happy road I was taking.  But you came from nowhere. It was head-on.  That was all that was left.  A heavy empty space.  Pitch black, bloodshot.  And the screeching sound of you hurrying away

Those nights, I was too drunk and I was driving too fast. My bad.

Parenting 101: The Sixth Commandment

This was one Sunday service I was sorry my daughter missed.  :(  So I had to attend the service all by myself.  This posting was even long overdue but it is so important and meaningful, enlightening and moving that it must be shared.  Simple truths, simple explanations that even a 6 year old child and a nonagenarian parent will understand and appreciate.

My daughter, Sophie, is 18 years old.  I must admit, it was really easier between us when she was a little girl, even during that time she was passing through early adolescence but now that she's in her late adolescence and in her junior year in the university, she keeps her own activities and schedule, enjoys the company of her friends, travels, and is more capable to make choices for herself  --- it's getting difficult.  Knowing we come from different perspectives --- parent's side, child's side.

In general, I am level headed with my relationships.  I always try to keep an open mind.  I can be negotiable but there are important things I hold sacred, those I cannot compromise.

At home,  the hierarchy of authority is clear. House rules are framed out in good faith.   Some of these rules are implemented strictly, some with flexibility. While there are no fast and hard rules in life, having a structure either spare us from the chaos or soften the chaos for us.    I, for one, do not want to be tortured  going through these rules by the book.  I've always believed in open communication.  When my daughter was 3 years old, she was allowed to "butt in" during an adult conversation,  I mean, when we let her stay with us (otherwise, we could have been more discreet) while we're having coffee or during meal time or watching TV, doing the dishes, and she hears us talking about certain matters that gets her attention and she has an opinion (well, toddlers have opinions, too c'mon :) )  --- she's allowed to say it openly, politely.  She will raise her tiny, wobbly arm, and say "Mom, Dad or Lola can I say something?"  And usually that curiosity comes out as a question :-) ... We raised her that way... she grew up that way ... it became more and more challenging as she grew older.  Tougher now that she's 18.  Sometimes, what she's got to say and how she says them, is no longer cute.  Could be intimidating, could be irritating.  LOL ---  can't complaint tho, we made her that way.  Makes me proud that she speaks her mind.  I am sure that as she matures, her judgment will get better --- knowing what to say and when and how to say them.

To honor is to obey.  This is the summary of parent and child relationship.  This embodies the lifelong bond between these two parties.  If this formula will not be the nature of this relationship, it will be a lifelong chaos, as well.

I believe that the first lesson we have to teach our children is about obedience as a form of honoring their parents.  May be as little children, it is obedience perse, and as they grow up, we should be able to connect obedience to honoring parents, respecting them, loving them, caring for them.  Pastor Peter was right when he said, the sixth commandment of God is foundational to parenting and submission to authority.

I am sharing the video that was shown that Sunday for every parent and child's appreciation.  This is not too "bible" heavy.  It is very practical, very day-to-day.  The first time I've seen this I got a clearer understanding (clearer meaning less combatant hehe) of my role as a parent in my child's life, and how I can actually improve her point of view on obedience and why there is such a thing.

I took down notes, and here are some salient points from the presentation:

1)  How you treat you parent will impact all your relationships. Again, this is foundational,
2)  Honoring is a decision, not a feeling.  To treat parents with respect and courtesy is a DECISION,  To provide care and seek their best interest is a DECISION.  A decision is a CONSCIOUS CHOICE.
3)  Rules are good.  Authority is good,    It sets order and harmony.
4)  To honor thy parents is a command.  A foundational instruction from God,  It is God's design.  And He designed this for our own good.  There is no question about this.  This is not debatable.
5)  To honor thy parents comes with a promise, an incentive, a blessing ... that life will be long and it will be well with you.
6)  Honor ALL parents ALL the time.  Parents who are irresponsible, abusive, lazy, alcoholics, uneducated, impoverished,  crack addicts, gamblers, prostitutes, criminals.  At most difficult and trying times.  Honor, still,
7)  Parents and their imperfections, whether by circumstance or by choice, let us forgive them so we can honor them.  It is tantamount to say that first we forgive, then we honor,
8)  All parents has got to teach their children about this Commandment.  This is huge, alright,  It means how good or bad, far or short this is gonna go, the weight is on our shoulders.  Later in life, its either gold or blood in our hands.  Children will not learn this until we teach them why and how,  This is a struggle.  Brace ourselves,  we are up to high tension arguments, resistance, cold wars.  This could be a play of power especially when our children our grown.  That's why, it is important that we teach them.  We teach 'em, we show 'em.  Going down to basic, showing our children what honor is all about, is still is the best way of teaching them.
9)The sixth commandment is the basic foundation for respect and submission to authority.  Authority structure includes Parents, husband, government, employer and church leaders.  So when we mess this all up at home, see the mess our kids make outside,
10)  Honor the position even when the person is not honorable.  These are two different things.  I have  my own demons about this :) ---  to give honor even when you think it's undeserved.  Sometimes its hard to swallow.  To set the record straight, 1 Peter 2:18 can best explain this.
11)  Parents be honorable.  Leaders/Managers be honorable.  To the words of Pastor Peter Tan-Chi, make it easy for children/constituents/subordinates to obey and to respect.   In this witch' vocabulary, let's not give honor a bad name or make it sound like a bad thing.
12)  The best way to honor your parents is to live a righteous life, to live with integrity. When we are not, it reflects badly on our parents.  When we are disrespectful, loud, dishonest, insincere, lazy, mean,  boastful, selfish, abusive, indiscreet, corrupt, bigots,  ... when we cheat, steal, lie, gossip, cut class, do drugs, smoke, drink,  disobey --- all these we subject our parents to great shame and deep pain.
13)  Pray for our parents. Only God can change a heart.  Parents cannot change their children.  And vice versa.



My take on this:

First we forgive.  Parents are not God.  They are not upright all the time or even not a single time. They make mistakes, they have wicked ways.  Only when we accept this reality and forgive them for their weaknesses, we can start working on "honoring" them.

We forgive, we honor, we obey, we love, we care.    This is a foundational structure designed by God to make life easier, better for us.  This is the  blueprint.   The operative word is to obey.  The command is to honor.  This is the equation,

I tell my daughter emphatically that she has to obey her parents even when she thinks its contrary to what she understands and what she wants or what is popular.  God's premise is that  parents know better.  Parents mean well.  They will always have the best interest of their children.  Children obey when you are told to give priority to your education, to read books, to go to church, to save your allowances, to act like a lady or a gentleman, to care for other people, to care for mother earth, to choose positive influences and role models, to say no to vices, keep yourself pure, take care of your health, eat veggies, be careful in crossing the street, avoid too much partying and staying up late out in the streets, etc etc

When I instruct my daughter about something I feel very strongly about, and the results may still be unknown, unpredictable, just mere plans and targets and wishes and dreams, she's got to take my word for that.  She is free to express her thoughts and her fears, but if  it is something really heavy and serious, I am not changing my stand as a mother.   For example, having a boyfriend or accepting suitors while still studying or trying on alcohol cigarettes or drugs or choosing her friends.   She definitely felt like I was obstructing her happiness, her freedom to express herself.  But I have put my foot down.  I ain't movin.  She has to obey,  Period.  I mean, as a parent, I don't think I need to explain myself here.

True, that's not cool for an 18 year old teenager.  But that's all she's got to lose versus the consequences of disobedience.  Dear child, obey even when it hurts,  That kind of  pain is manageable anyway.  Think about the pain of disobedience, the damages can be irreversible and lingering.  Think about it.

While to honor and be honorable are two different things all together, it also tells us parents and leaders and all those in authority that upon our shoulders we carry a huge responsibility.  People depend on us, let's try our best to practice good judgment.  Our conscience will tell us.    I know it's hard to be upright but just think about the lives that we affect.  We are accountable for them.  We are all children.  But not all are parents.  I hope we see this as a gift .

Listening through this preaching, strengthened my belief,   that there is no such thing as false obedience.  Obedience is a moral virtue.  It's never wrong.  But, yes,  there are dishonorable people who distorts the truth, the good and the beautiful  :), these could be parents, leaders, managers, people at the helm, people in authority.  As the scripture says, we respect the position, we respect the institution even if the person who holds it is not honorable.

Obedience is God's invention.  Thus, it is always good,  It is NEVER a negative but ALWAYS a positive trait.

Whewwww this grew very long, I hope I did not bore you.  But this is a subject really close to my heart.  It's not easy to raise a teenager, in this world, at this time.  I'm feeling the heat. ;-)

In closing, I want to share my SMS thread with my daughter.  She was in her Social Anthropology study group workin' on a paper or somethin'.  And mommy as usual was in a middle of a meeting.  I always get phone in questions from her with her homework, thesis, something, you know, I don't mind.  Better get straight from me than from elsewhere.  It's in my job description anyway. :-)

Sophie:  Should children be obligated to care for their parents during their old age and/or to help send their siblings to school?  Why?

Mommy:    Yes.  Because it's the right thing to do.   To be of help and to show compassion to people who needs them especially if its your family.**

**haha i hope i didn't sound self-serving with my answer.  I think I nailed it like I was about to win  the Miss Universe crown for an excellent Q & A lol

What the Ef, Tuesday?!

Mercury retrograde or something?  I keep forgetting things today like my generously loaded beep card  ,,, my  ever reliable blue fan ... this big bag lady's bag holder ... my working desk'sa mess the whole day because of that arrggg ...  and and i keep missing my medsssss hayyy ... and this  one's really funny ... i'm currently running on a single journey ticket ---->>  on a full route, damn!

I got home in one piece, and realized I have been wearing mismatched earrings the whole effin time in the office LOL

Witch on Skype*

Suzi's fault,  She said I needed this,  So here ... excited already ;-)

*thanks to my daughter for setting this up for mommy  xoxo

Health Buffy-ish

Okay, what`s gotten into me,    Like caving in to my cravings, making myself well, some "witchcraft" and my daughter's travel job interview, Visa preps and itinerary.

Aside from my own self-centered vanity, my current obsession on healthier options, lyke anything natural and "organic".  I used to ignore my ex-boss, lifelong friend and mentor, RTK's lecture on this, during (extended) lunch breaks, CITEM days.  I was in Chicago one time and hands down, I chose Victoria Secret over "organic stores".  Only to find myself now relentlessly searching for organic hair shampoos and conditioners, body scrubs, facial soaps, laundry and kitchen cleaning products, and yes, even our daily staples (lemon water and okra water, brown or black rice, preferably black --- highly recommended by my younger cousz Lem) and food supplements (Usana's Essentials, Active Calcium, Proflavano alternatively with Hepacil),  This "infatuation" I share with one of my office babies, our pretty muse, Joshue.

So what's in my "health buff" stash these days ...

1)  An additional step to my "hands on" processes LOL, ---- dry brushing.  I got myself  that long body brush with soft bristles from Watsons @P75 bucks only (at the Beauty Bar with a little name on it ,,, its almost P500 so must say I got myself a good deal here hehe),    When I was still researching about this/convincing myself about dry body brush ups ... they say body brushes got to be long and wooden with some natural bristles but the thing is wood and water can be slimy later in the day :) so I opted for a brush with long plastic handle with soft bristles,  After using it, I use a baby shampoo for cleaning,

2) Milk Bath Soap from Ilog Maria (http://www.ilogmaria.com).  Well, I've tried everything from Aveeno Skin Relief Body Wash to Eucerin Calming Body Wash to deal with psoriasis, a skin condition which i suffer from since I was a child, and my skin getting more and more sensitive as I age (also because, my immune system getting weaker each time.  So it was indeed a blessing to come across Ilog Maria (an organic, "honey-based" shop in Silang, Cavite (next town after my town actually).  I used to buy stuff from Ilog Maria only for vanity reasons not until I got to know more (and try) their products.  Ilog Maria does not mass produce but you can buy online.  As such, it takes a little planning (logistics and financial) to make sure I have enough supply of bath salt (and now all their other soaps for me and my daughter) in my closet,  And oh, it comes with lavander oil, it's a bonus.

3)   Dilmah Blueberry Tea.  Not being a tea-drinker, the only flavor i like was peppermint.  Now, peppermint comes second to tadahhhh blueberry,  It was jusz out of curiosity when I decided to try it from Auntie Anne's (my daughter's and mine, too ... fave pretzel foodie resto),  It sells a whooping P70 bucks for a teeny weeny tea bag.  Thank God, I loved it.  Since, it's not being sold in local supermarkets (not even in Rustans huhu) and online shops, I persistently searched for a supplier/distributor of Dilmah Tea in the Philippines,  I came across Equilibrium Intertrade Corporation (http://www.equilibrium.com.ph/), the only who carries Dilmah products (originally from Bangladesh, this blueberry flavoured tea is from Dilmah's fun tea selection).  Dilmah sales staff are really nice people but but but they are yet to establish their processes for retailing online so I painstakingly have to make arrangements just to pick up a box of blueberry tea,  And I just couldn't get it from Metro Manila ... so it's such an angel of Ms. Melmie ... she got my Dilmah from tadahhhhh Equilibrium Intertrade Baguio City!!!! Such an effort huh a box of teafied blueberries,  But baby, it's worth it ;-)

In case you've missed it, let it be known the many wonderful benefits of tea, please visit ....  http://healthland.time.com/2012/09/04/13-reasons-to-love-tea/

4) DIYS,  Can't get anough of them,  They're all over me.  Pinterest my pimp LOL!  I have a hefty 534 pins of them @   https://www.pinterest.com/lovelace1970/home-improvements/

You open my cupboard, you'll find ACVs, a big plastic bottle of white vinegar, boxes of baking soda, coffee grounds, old and unused tea bags ... my latest additions would be pollident tablets to clean the toilet, hydrogen peroxide for stained toe nails, eucalyptus for the garden and bath, and extra strength chili spray to repel flies (I have a separate entry on my chili fly spray, check it out ---------------->>>>>>>>>> http://thiscrazybeautiful.blogspot.com/2015/10/diy-chili-fly-spray.html

Damn, I'm crazy over DIYS.

It's either brown or black rice for me these days

my blueberry, my tea, my Dilmah

this now, is my regular shampoo, I'm trying Avalon next 

my daily body soap 

my body brush 

in my laundrymat 

my extras strength DIY Chili Fly Spray 

"The hat makes the Witch!" *

For this Me Witch Collage, thanks to
Ms. Pringgadhani of https://www.facebook.com/crochetbympringgadhani/?fref=photo for this outrageously conical hat, and Greggy bae for styling me in this photoshoot hihihi

*paraphrasing Mr. Mark Twain

here's a bunchies ...

one month and still ... :(

Alice Blue Facebook October 2015

Damn FB Freakin me out!!!  This account has been deactivated for the longest time.  Then suddenly I'm getting notifications for comments and messages ...  suddenly Alice Blue is on air ... and it is ... WTF!

Destine's Will's fault ... he got me into this second account.  But that's water under the bridge.  I put everything else behind us now, Destine and Will.  I've crossed over since then. Gone back.  Old loves.

Excuse me ... adik lang po sa pag deaktivate at mamblock pero indi naman ako si madame chekwang schizo para madameng papalit palit na fb acounts hehe ... 

Facebook* October 2015

hindi pa kaya ... hindi pa din kaya ... minsan iniisip ko sana ... noon pa na block mo na lang ako ... nakatulong ka pa ...not because you cared about me  (knowing you never did) ... just may be doing your batchmate a little favor ... sana lang ... but even that it's quite late by now.

goin down, closin down

*kaya ayokong bumabalik sa FB eh, naiinis ako sa yo, kasi mamimiss lang kita lalo tapos wala naman katuturan yon ... ang ending magagalit na naman ako sa sarili.   

x

Tuesday night, or was that Wednesday before the break of dawn. Twas barely 2 Am, you woke me, I ended up coughing my lungs out.

I cut ties with everyone.  Just as planned so I did.  You, and your cold knife.  Me an all fucked  up fool.  eHs.

Minsan na nga lang ako managinip.  Ganito pa.

On my way home, Wednesday night.   Another bus ride.  And that scene in my head playing over and over again,  like I was centerfold in my little dream novel.  Tearfully triggering asthma.

Thursday evening running late for home.  and close to bringing myself to DLSUMC ER.

Friday morn.  officially sick ageyn.  facebook revived temporarily.
(dang, how could you be oh soooo sweet, and caring, and thougthful and all that ---  you jusz know exactly when and where to hit me huh ... go for the kill baby go!)
   

grateful still

Of course, I am grateful.  When people are nice to me, do nice things for me. of course, I recognize and appreciate their kind, sweet gestures.  Ang ingrata ko naman if I'd be mean to people who do me favors.

Then again, let's not lose sight of the shore. Let's put things in the right context,  uhhmmm, in their proper places, too.

People who do nice things is different from really nice people.  I mean, these two are from different tribes.  Or, in "logic" terms,  not all people who are sugar, spice and everything nice are good people.  On the other hand, in terms of "universal truths",  all nice people are sincerely willing and able to be nurturing, do nice, great things and stuff ... and sustain it even.

We know for a fact that there are intentions and reasons, factors, situations and all the justifications etc etc behind nice things.  Some people thrive on this.  The good seeds with their right hearts  in placed, they marvel on  kindness, righteousness, principles, values, sometimes circumstances make things harder, complicated, a painful process ...  but they do good anyway.

I'm writing this because I was asked a question.  My answer was fast and firm.  This ...

I'd rather be in company of nice, good people.  I am sure they'd do nice, good, kind, sweet things and more for me.  Guaranteed.  The other kind, with all the fancy, pompous blah blah, nothing but flimsy.

grateful still.

Baby ko

Missing our baby.  Namiss ko na to katabi matulog  kahit 3AM nagigising for milk at 5 AM pa ulit matutulog :-)  I think am gonna buy this little lady a cowgirl dress for the Halloween.

SLUMBER MODE

thumb suck and leg swings (mana sa tita ... pampatulog hihi) ...

... alam na ang kasunod na eksena.  ayus di ba. :)

lucky teddy

partners in crime

PLAYTIME

ain't she a hungry baby

brush on baby brush on

naglalaro, nakaduster haha .... our baby's busy in her play area, her most fave spot in the house 

FAMILY BONDING

my 45th bday celeb with fam ... some strollin' (pig out dinin, a little shoppin and plenty of Hailey hihi) @Ayala Malls Serin, Tagaytay City

oh my the weight of those cheeks (and chin), too

she's a happy baby, doesn't get overwhelmed too easily 

Hail our Hailey!  Here hugging her daddy as we celebrate her 1st bday party last May at McDo, Tanza. 

photobomb gulong gulong while mommy doin her regular dose of selfie hehe

haha eto sakto ... irita si Hailey sa outfit ni Ate Sophie.  Ate Sophie's mom (ME!!!!) mas irita!!!

MANA SA TITA IRMA ;-)

Tita started with storybooks, too :) 

Such a haven for our Hailey. Cafe Mary Grace in Greenbelt 2 --- a comfy, roomy playpen with lotsa toys and BOOKS! 

a book in hand ... and that (naughty) look up to no good --- so very Tita Irmay-ish

Alice Blue**

Lyke hotcakes ;-) ... jusz uploaded some of my recent selfies in a new album I'm calling, Alice Blue (comin' after my photo album, Unpretty) ... guess where .... Facebook*.



*still my reliable repository of memories, yeah, that's it ... repository, all that.

Mostly taken in my office, sa hotels,  sa Flower Farm sa Tagaytay, pati na sa waxing salon ... actually kung saan saan haha ... cute ni rubber duckie ...

**Wikipedia says, This particular shade of blue is also referred as white-blue (or blue-white) and ice/icy blue, due to its very pale coloration which includes a hint of green— as does actual ice.  is a pale tint of azure that was favored by Alice Roosevelt Longworth, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt, which sparked a fashion sensation in the United States.  The hit song "Alice Blue Gown", inspired by Longworth's signature gown, premiered in Harry Tierney's 1919 Broadway musicalIrene. 

On its 25th founding anniversary, CITEM gave away Alice Blue handmade soy candles.  I got one.  

This writer's, one too many monickers, in fact one of her favorites.   If I'd have one more daughter, I'd name her, Alice Blue.

not craZybeautiful

inspiration.  is like air.  it's everywhere.  an idea is born anywhere by anyone.   anything that infects us is inspiration.  you like it or not, it is.

there are times i want to give up on her.  she floats.  she say things.  things in her head.  or in her heart.   or head.  or heart.  head.  heart.  all mixed up.  messed up.  not in gorgeous chaos ... all the while i though she was.

extreme.  anything. too much, too less.  anything "beyondiest".  you know, what i mean about limits. when i speak about this, i don't mean, being regular, median, of mere compliance, or just meeting requirements.  these are stand alone phrases.  i write these words, and think of "mediocre".  i don't want mediocre even.  who likes "so so" anyway.  i dunno with you guys.  i'm not "average".  in my heart i know i'm not.  we may have different standards, but we set the bar using low, middle, high ... and with different grades in between.   and life.  life's not about black and white and gray.  it's a rainbow!  it's the complete color wheel.  life is a like a box of crayola, with all 64 colourful waxies with built in sharpener!  c'mon we should have gotten this perfectly at midlife.  we may be torn and worn but please don't be a run-off-the-mill.  life is hard and complex as it is, please don't make it lackluster.

i was worried.  she got me worried.  i saw the signs.  i tried so hard to analyze.  to justify.  to give reasons to each and every single manifestation.  i read about this, online and offline.  i didn't study this.  i am not a professional.  i just cared but my skills were crude.

in this country,  something goes haywire.  people don't go to shrinks.  they turn to religion.   but this piece is not what you're thinking it is.  i'm not here to get controversial with science and God.   but what i'm gonna say is, i find it alarming, to the point of questioning, when people, even my own family and friends, regardless if they are in trouble or not,  become too intoxicated with religion.  too attached to it,  that they give biblical connotations to just about anything, simple or complicated.  they always find a connection.  too much attempt to connect that you even have to dissect the whole situation in order to understand it, and even turn everything else upside down, just to get the idea.  it's like getting into circles.  and losing yourself.  somewhere in the middle of all the points of so called connection. they say it is salvation,  i agree.  but too much of it.  is escape.

escape.  from our indecision.  wrong choices.  indiscretion.  poor judgment.  either we are passing the buck to God, feign our responsibility with the concept of "God's testing us".  or indulge ourselves in the idea that Somebody Greater than us will cleanse us, transform us, heal, restore.  turn all the bad into good.    God is our Balm.  i agree.  but too much of it.  is insane.

in our own make shift spiritual-trying-to-be-righteous-and therefore-holy self --- is a selfish, irresponsible, pretentious human being.  who refuses to take accountability for his/her reckless, self-centered behavior, and pretends everything is alright when everything is not alright.  who attends mass, one, two, three times a week but has no friends, in the real sense of the word ... abuses power and authority, corrupts mind, steals time and money,   who gives tithes and offerings, and regards marriage as vow made with whom, but another irresponsible, emotionally abusive partner of his/her choice, and incapable of decent parenting.  one who helps shepherd a congregation, and recites the bible like she co-authors it but lie to her teeth, put people down, shatter dreams.  We use God as a cover up for all these and more.  we allow ourselves to abuse Him each time we do not use, conscientiously, the gift He gave us, the gift of free will, so we can choose to do what is right, not what is too much.

so what's next to an intoxication like this one --- from peachy to preachy ...  from exciting to boring ... from witty to a dead sense of humor .... from a confident, genuinely independent woman to someone who needs everyone else's approval ... a stranger to her very self.

idealism is admirable when you're in your twennies.  damn, ain't we look funny still  wearin' it by the neck in midlife.  do you really really wanna be caught dead with it?  wearin' like life has not taught us anything about reality.

remember, your best nature, yo don't lose it, not by chance, not by intention, not by accident.  it goes with your ups and downs, it fades in different shades, but never leaves you. (i'm talking best qualities here, not the worst ones).

so my dear friend, what you are now, after a span of 2 years, either this is not you or this is the real you.

your call.

  

Borne from the "inspiration".  This blog.  This poetry.

From IrMa to Jane Doe, Faded Purple was my last entry.  Inspired by, sadly, a good friend of mine.  
'cuz me, i'd be an old lady who will be wearin' all shades of purple ;-) 

another first.  lovelace1970 is a license plate of either a lemon yellow or royal blue vintage truck.  craZybe!   

PHOTO CREDITS:  blue candles from http://www.liveservegrow.info

Footprints in the sand ...

I got three things today.

First,  my best girl's birthday 3rd of October, my lifelong friend, Jomat.  She's gone through a lot these past 4 years, her shaky marriage, from Gapo to Sydney, which eventually ended up in a quiet divorce, she taking  the helm in raising her 4 daughters (not much diff really), from Gapo to Sydney, pre and post divorce (I  am actually saying this in a good way :-)  ), our beloved Mame fighting cancer, bravely and gracefully.  Like many of us, it wasn't an easy life, but it wasn't bad either  My friend, she's  made of good stuff.    I will always remember her in our youth, in our typical day at school, naka uniform ng Jackson, hinahanap yung mga crushes nya sa paligid ligid ng school lol, our  funny, loving, taray, smart Jomat, now, wittier, nurturing, fiercer, practical and still intelligent.   Torn and worn, in her journey  (like we all are).  She gets better (not everyone does).    

God blessed me with you friendship, my dear Joms.  I thank God.  I thank you.

Jomat and I, we got each others back.  From the time I was 13 and she was 14.  I am now 45, and she,  46 today.   Isn't that wonderful?

Second, been under the weather.  I'm a good girl who stopped seeing her Internist.  Dunno, I just don't wanna go back to this year's first quarter of me shuttling back and forth to the DLSUMC ... my blood chem looks OK except for hayyyy ... 

Nah, I will not allow this feverish feeling to get the best of me overnight, I need to be in Church tomorrow, somebody needs prayers ...

Dear Me, God heals.  love always, Self

Third ...  each time, before I end a prayer, at Church or elsewhere,  I say your name, each time, and ask God to bless you with a good life.  (You don't need to know that I am praying for you, I don't need to know that you do, know , that I really pray for you, for as long  as, you get the answer to my prayers.  That's all that matters.) 

"Nothing proves that you love someone more than mentioning them in your prayers."  I bring you and your family, in God's embrace.  Amen.  Amen.  Amen.

Take a shower.  Wash off the day.  Drink a glass of water.  Make the room dark.  Lie down  and close your eyes.  Notice the silence.  Notice the beating of your heart.  Still beating.  Still fighting.  You made it, after all.  You made it another day.  And you can make it one more.  You're doing just fine,