Detox

1. As if Sophie owns it … but last nyte was Grey Gardens, and this afternoon, having awaken from my Tita’s and cousz’ quick visit, a brief brush on Pippi Longstocking at Cartoon Network. If only for that I felt so satisfied with my satellite TV. I was so glued on the boobtube. I really do miss Pippi. I hope she’s cozy and happy wherever she is right now.

2. Relax mode sa EMD. Bonding lunches with Carol and Yang at Marygrace Trinoma. Two days of pasta and hot choc’late. Delicious!

3. Marker looking good. Mid-October’s my target. Tiring but meaningful.

4. Our passports are looking good, too. :)

5. My investment certificates looking better, Thank God! :)

6. Third in line … Judy Blume’s Margaret book :) which I first heard of when it was mentioned in (significantly) in the film Ready OK, which I also watched this week, and liked so much. That 10-year boy, so cute, bubbly, and blonde who wanted to do cheerleading over wrestling harhar , Last copy at Fully Booked Trinoma, I had no choice but buy “rapidly” haha. Hummm, did I forget to mention that Ms Blume writes books for children and young adults. And I have cited somewhere that I love books, children’s books especially.





7. MILESTONE: Sophie loved Blume, too. Finally, I got her into reading whewwww I'm thinking now of the next Blume book I can get for her.

8. It’s been a week since the first spiral. In as much as I hate spending my Saturdays at DLSUMC, I had to see my optha. Officially, it’s hyperopia, no disputes. I wanted contacts, the doctor said no. Am getting my pair of glasses this Tuesday. I don't like anything to impair my reading, traditional and online. Or put my ever reliable magenta shades second in line. Hayyyy

9. Me trying to look for a nice pic of Christy Turlington, my fave supermodel of the 90s … I stumbled upon, Kate Moss (also a fave), and a painting of hers done by figurative painter, tadahhh Stella Vine .







Stella Vine ... the color blue, the golden hair, tat little robin, and of course the cleavage :)





the controversial Kate Moss by Stella Vine ... I think Vatican had something to say :)

11. Birthday … MyPiayaya, she’s 26. This coming Friday we’re celebrating it right smack across John Mayer yum yum … I wanna say this again … don’t you wish sometimes, you’re Johnny M’s guitar hush hush ;) … si Wenggay sempre hindi maka relate … different genre, different era hahahah … no beers alright … let’s have that “tower” of blue margarita instead … ahuh.

12. Another birthday of ateng chenggay who’splaying “interesting” again …. So me begging for her to lend me her fertility chair hahaha

13. Sunday birthday of Ronnie Ganda … his text message woke me up at 10:31 AM. I opened with his smiling face on MMS hahahah … I texted him back with a greeting … and posted another one “rapidly” at FB hahahah …

14. Speaking of Atesh Chenggiez …. she inspired me of started to think about how women become a work of art … at their best, at their most beautiful …





15. And speaking of Ronnie, very early in the morning of this Monday … still half awake, me in my first spiral, and jusz about to prep myself for my last appointment … I got an MMS … just after their flag ceremony …





16. Excerpts of funny, serious online moments with friends (READ as DARK HUMOR).

Nat eggcited about Jates ;) . But that was jusz an innocent side comment. Not even an official topic for a straight-forward conversation. Calle 86 and its meat shop hahaha , everyone jumpin on the Love Parade, Gapo version. I am really, seriously afraid, it’s gonna be one big orgy hahahah hush hush kaloka. Yan ang hirap eh, reunion fever and the power of FB … rekindling of the past … hanapan ng mga exes, childhood crushes, alter egos hahaha

So there, a thread of postings, what do you know, Arns’ album on eldest girl, Ela’s pic, who is NKP in Sydney:) … the Legend of Hammerman hahahah … dunno what to say … I decided to silently read along my friends naïve ;), mischievous curiosity wink wink It was getting to be a circus … so to set the record straight ….


Me ...
now it's my turn: My Hammerman definition: nanligaw yan sa akin nung 4th year hehehe, takot na takot ako sa kanya kasi, he's tisoy but tama naman si Nanat about the "hammerhead" thing heheh. He gave me a necklace, na pinagipunan nya pa daw. I was so afraid of him, kinausap ko na sya one time sa may room natin, nasa labas sya, nasa loob ako (parang confessional hehehe) at nakasara mga bintana. Sunud kasi yan nang sunod hanggang sa haws kaya one Saturday, CAT, officer si Judy M., huhhuhuhu, I connived with Judy, pinag-push-up nya ata o pinatakbo sa may bleachers si Hammerman :( .... I was young and so mean. I don't even remember his name anymore, and I lost all his letters. This is is the legend of Hammerman.
13 hours ago · Like

Me...
‎@ Nat ... tse ka ... wala! wala! wala! wala akong feelings hahaha!

@ high school pips I so adore: talaga naman no sa picture pa tayo ni Ela magkwentuhan ng boylets hayyyy

@ Ronnie whom I misz terribly: ... speaking of boylets ... sana tama ...ako .... parang na sight ko sa FB si "Ronalito forever" check it out ... Rez Cortez pa din ang dating eh. Sino malakas loob dyan, i add nyo na for the love of Ronnie!!!!!!
13 hours ago · Like

Initially, briefly with Bok Weng … the worries of retirees hahahah, we decided to put into good use our inborn talent which we only discovered later in mid-life hahahah, a God-given talent which we continuously develop until this very day. We see it coming, so we better come to terms with ourselves with what we are bent to do later in our lives. A wise investment, an endearing business proposition … Baby Danes Detective Agency, Inc. She promised to be really nice to our investment from now on. Hugs hugs hugs hahahaha

Then Jen and I. Confessions … revelations … hiding it over the years may be uhhhhmm intentional … and may be not. I didn’t want the hype. I only mentioned it to Wenggay one time, and that was it.

So why the reminiscing … la lang, we have communication again kasi. The vast internet highway probably gave him more courage and be more straightforward, thoughtful and funny while something virtual gave me more air to breathe, and be nice, than sungit and suplada :)

Sempre she got worried … afraid … panicky!

Okay then … lemme give you the facts:

1. Timeline: Two months after Dencio, almost a year before I went kraMming.

2. Understandably, I was so broken-hearted. I was tired from ESP 05, a bad mix of everything alcoholic, I was dead meat drunk!

3. Technically (hahaha let’s make this sound technical for my friend Jen to easily accept the turn of events) … so technically ganto na lang, almost there, then I changed my mind period. So wawa naman ang mama hahaha. And me I was so angry at myself, for allowing my pain to engulf me. That was such a stupid thing to do (not the walking away but in putting myself in a very compromising situation). He's married. I didn’t like him at all. Not because he is married, but because, I just didn’t like him in fact I didn't like anyone at that time. Coming out from a dirty, ugly break-up, I found men so unattractive (tentatively).

4. And technically, hahahah married men, they say, I believe, hahahah are very good. Very good. (Now let’s stop there hahah)

5. So now, I want to make friends. Make peace. Same as Glenn, I was happy with the attention, the importance, the concern. Offers of “safe” dinners and free rides.

6. I miss a man in my life. No matter how independent I have become. No matter how tough I look and feel from the outside. Hayyyyy … naman pala, I still miss being picked-up from the office. Help me with my grocery bags. Wait while I do some shopping. Bring me to the movies, and smooch. Drink and make craZy love. Or just plainly, hold hands. Little smacks during bus rides. May be seriously contemplate on enrolling myself in a cooking class and cook something fancy for him. Play nurse when he's sick. Cuddle his head on my chest. My fingers around his chin. Shop for him. I must admit there's a kind of joy in my heart having a man around.

7. But then again, I am so used with my present life. A straight, peaceful line. In my own little garden. I have withered all the grasses. And the mosses . The sand. And the pebbles. I am now surrounded only by my family, my daughter, my daughter’s father, my friends, old and new, here and overseas. Jen even congratulated me for successfully removing the toxins in my life.

8. After all the painful lessons about love ….

“She does? Well, that's what love is like. It makes your heart race. It turns the world upside down. But if you're not careful, if you don't keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can't see what's happening to the people around you. You can't see that you're about to fall.”

9. Men like cigarettes, I may want them from time to time, 10% of me, makes me wanna smoke :),the big 90% already quit. While I haven’t succumbed to the idea of the shower head hahhaha oh my gosh talaga (as proposed by my friends who is so anxious with my officially extinct sex life), celibacy is something you really get used to. It bothers you for awhile, but hormones are trainable :)

10. So I said to Jen, may be then I can write in my epitaph:

“I have lived a craZybeautiful life. Happy by my standards. And there is only one sad part of my life story … my bed.”

16. I made my good ol’ friend Jonathan happy with our brief interlude online. This thing about Jates. He’s giving me an ‘A” for effort. It’s about time daw. I know he knows I was kinda fleeting. Unsure. To the point of unwanting. The fact that he heard an unfamiliar sound, a strange name … happy na si Nanat.

He found Jates’ site hahahaah same conclusion, oh my goshhhhhhhhh

17. I made my good ol’ friend Jenalyn happy with our brief interlude online. This thing about toxin disposal, toxin refusal. She just laughed it off … that sad bed.

18. ... "I have to have that one time. To tell that one boy, that one line." (cheers to my last and only peach!)

Amen!

Coming around again

Friday. Can’t concert with Ca. Re-sked coffee with Bengbeng. Postponed free beer with Honey Rose. Not even siomai with Maweng Jen.

Friday. I am so loaded with family duties and personal errands. Passport preps for me and Soph. To be continued tomorrow. Final submission by Monday . Kapuso perks. DFA coming over on the 23rd. Bwelo ako sa Buglasan. I need to take the earliest flight for my interview hummmm

Commitments with Honey. Continued my search for my IPOD docking station, scheduled meet-ups. Finalized my satellite TV. Deposited cheques. Tried some new Victoria Secret. Downloaded Rihanna, Eminem, and hummm that song …. sorry I can’t tell ;). My second Mary Grace for the week. First was yesterday with Ca and my fave Mexican chili choc’late. Today with Yangyang, and a cup of peppermint tablea … he he such expensive lunches :). Surfed, surfed, surfed ;) I was so preoccupied with all of these, I totally forgotten about my aspilet, second time this week.

I was on the phone with MyPiayaya, some late phone-in birthday greetings :). I asked her a favor for a little fixing of photos curt’sy of her friend from MIS. Hayyyy … and the exciting part … calendared next Friday @concertgrounds … a few bottles of light beer and sound tripping yipeeeee ... a handful of friends, Virgini volunteering! Tamang tama sweldo hep hep!

I had to rush to Imus before 9 PM for Mama and Lola with soft and hard copies. I will know by Tuesday. I said a short prayer on my way to Dasma, asking Lola’s help and blessing.

Grabbed M&Ms, strawberry ice cream, potato loaf bread, and OK Mag October ish and that tiny tin of Diet 7 Up.

Some familiar lines twirling in my head, was that a song, a line in a novel, or from loveblender? … good enuff for an FB shout out … “I’ll never know, what you’ll never tell.” …

I gave it a little tweak … the Irma touch …

… but there’s nothing to tell, I have nothing to know.”

Some kinda bus ride earlier … a barrage of thoughts … how far I have gone … how big the distance. Separate lives. The complete disconnect. Worlds apart. Uncommon friend. For once, in this universe, I know the existence of two different people, under two different skies.

Having said that, situations can’t be created on purpose anymore. When Coincidence equals Always. From then on , everything else has to be accidental. But since am a RIGID, OC, careful, calculating fool, I defy all forces, natural or otherwise. No accidents. I am making sure of that.

Honestly, that doesn’t make me happy. But that doesn’t hurt. I can live with that.
It doesn't really matter, whether it mattered or not. :)

A gYpsy's home early, on a Friday, moonstruck, weather's good, no beer.

Motion to quash

(Picture this.)

A lazy afternoon. Haze is dusky and almost orange :(. The wires were burning. The questions like hot charcoal. Oceans part. But under one skye, just like what we always say.

It hits me. Missing Minyang. Feeling sorry how we kinda fell apart after what “did not” happen between us and her brother. The speaker’s phone on, and I was happy to be talking to her again. She was in between bubbly and cordial …and all I can say was, “hey girl … been a while huh … may Minyong ka na?” She bursted into laughters. I was closed to tears. Officially, okay na kami ni Herminia :)

He must have spent his entire paycheck for that phone call. Literally, parang naging chiharon ang tenga ko sa tagal ng kwentuhan. I was off from work. I slept the whole day. I went online to post my new number for all of high school to see and save and delete the old one issued by my current office. He called as soon as I flashed my new +917 …….

Kulang na lang beer, mahaba-habang usapan. He was so delighted to know I’ve been quitting (struggling) my vices. He’s proud of my little achievements. Patient with my lapses :). Worried about my sugar, that malfunctioning thyroid, osteophyte, rattling nerves, my inflamed heart (left side lang naman). I brushed it off with a joke, uhhhmmm, dude, am 41 next year, I am just degenerating a little ahead of you guys :). He didn’t like it, and complained that I never took anything he tells me seriously.

Silence.

In between yawns, he asked. What’s hardest for you now? I answered him with a question, “’kaw, what’s hardest for you now.” Gerry, he admires and despises my ability to put off something even temporarily. I have my way daw of “deadma” (a word he actually learned from me hehe) He can actually see daw my famous poker face from the phone receiver, as if something didn’t matter even when in fact it did. Sigh sigh sigh

His …

“not to be able to take care of someone you deeply care about” Para daw dry cough. Parang constipation. (Ewwwww this time he was crossing the line between gross and gory, when he knows perfectly well, I am never into toilet humor hahahaa.), It's a very frustrating situation. When you have so much to give. When you want so much to give. And you know that the other person deserves to receive some “taking care of”. But you just can't. It can't.

(…in my head, I was telling myself, may be, my best dude is now in love with someone, unfortunately, it's not feasible for him to express his intentions. Of course, I did not ask anymore. I did not want him to elaborate. I want him in peace. He deserves no less than that.)

Mine …

(Excuse me for my hiccups. :) (It’s getting late, it’s Wednesday tomorrow and I have work, my heart’s pounding demmet, and my head’s been twirling since I woke up Saturday morning arrggghhhh from my cabin's bed at CamSur.

… strong, serious, unbendable trust issues, this is my issue. And its kinda hard, especially for someone who’s been trusting (and loving it!) for the past 36 years of her life. “It’s always good to trust.” That used to be my my mantra. I used to tell this to my friends who were at one point of their lives at the brink of being faithless on people, on many things, on hope, on love, on their dreams, a good life.

Having stowed that principle for some time now, can you just imagine, how bad I feel about this significantly retrogressive change in my well-being.

My present inability and unwillingness to trust people and make it work. My suspicious, criminal mind. My endless questionings and doubts. My disbelief. The lack of inspiration. My incurable faithlessness. A scorned woman's calloused heart.

I admit, I miss that feeling of carefree abandon. The sincere innocence of giving myself away to the trustworthy and even to those not worth the trust. Genuine love. Authentic relationships. I do not like the person that I have become. I do not want this evolution. But the person that I was before needs this kind of transformation. This is my new religion.

I don’t know how to bring it back. I don’t know where to get it back. It felt like something inside me died. It is such an awful feeling. I am not sure if I really want it back. I am not sure if I am ready to give this away.

Not trusting anyone, is a personal pain and journey . But it is better, than, another person to hurt you back, This thought is selfish , I know. But whether you believe it or not … this is a fact, that cheers me up. Smacks a grin right on my face. I don't care. I need this.

It is always good to trust. But it’s always better to save yourself first.

Are you there, God? … I know You are. I am sure You’re reading this, I’m sure, I’m making you cry now ...

Should you want to make concessions, I don’t think I’m ready for that. I am old battered dog, I can’t re-learn a trick I have long given up. I’m sorry. My bad.

(The only spoken part of my share was not even one fourth of the written part. Submitting to my firm resolved. He was quiet during the spoken one fourth. And me, I do not wish to dwell on such taciturn, neither on his part nor mine.)

A salad bowl made of lies, fire, envy, dreams, and happenstance

Easily for ignorance. Conveniently for pretensions. On a higher level, pride.

The lies we weave in our lives are too treacherous. Don’t we get lost in our own perjury. And misjudged by the world because of our own personal indiscretions.

And there were beautiful memories. Don’t you think? I keep them handy like keeping a lemon candy on my pocket. A sweet tooth makes you smile. And may be a cup of my favorite Mexican choc’late w/chili sprinkles. A comfort drink makes it last a little longer. Bakit, didn’t you have enough reasons from your history that makes you smile? And wear it a little longer.

“I like to think about how fire and rust are the same: just oxidization taking place at wildly different speeds. I know it's a chemical oversimplification but it's still appealing. It suggests that what I face as I pull on my mask, crank on the air cylinder, and replace my helmet outside the burning deli is no more exciting than an old truck sitting out in the yard and going to pieces over the years. That same slow, mundane deterioration is simply being compressed into a few minutes and will be taking place all around me and in the seething air over my head.

And meanwhile, all around us, everything that rusts and corrodes is infintessimally burning, being consumed in a slow conflagration.”*

I remember writing these more than 2 years ago, 2 months after I left …

Colorado burning.

are those tears?
they aint real.
nobody cries over
bloodied ashes
even when theyre like
bullets hittin' your eyes.

a heart does not bleed
over some Nothing
no scar
without wounds
baby, it cant break
over Me something
you never really cared
about.


a bucket of Empty

'Have not
done anything at all
you can't
save it anymore
the things
we lost
in the fire.


… if you read my profile, there’s a line that sez “am never the superstitious kind”… but hey, some people are lucky. Sometimes I wish I have something like that. Am jealous. That makes me wanna throw away now this pragmatism i've been wearing all these years. Ditch it! And watch, that you don’t catch it. Too much of it steals away your desire to dream and daydream a little. It's fun to dream. I love fun. But am way too practical for some castles in the sky. My bad.:(

A few minutes before 9 tonight. A dose of coincidence. Jusz a twist of fate. Always jusz a natural phenomenon. Coincidence equals Always.

I guess, it’s my last remaining dream. Please just let me hold on to that. It’s the only one. You're all I got.





*All Burns

Pictionary

THE NUMBER 40





Party begins @ 40. (my high school friends in our usual tambayan ... beachfronts! of 'Gapo.

....
Me: beautiful, happy faces of 4 of the sexiest, loveliest, hot hot hottest 40 year olds in the world! muaaaaahhhhs
September 15 at 1:10am · LikeUnlike ·

AZTEX HOT TAMALE





My forever fave blend of hot choc'late mix. An Aztec original ;). My long search was finally over.

The many things I adore about Mejico ... Diego Luna, Frieda Kahlo, deep primary hues, burritos, sopa de ajo ... and of course, hot cocoa with chili pepper.

It was intoxicating. It felt like opium. Like biting the tip of my tongue. A little salt. A taste of blood.

I left a note in between a sheet of glass and pine.





KAY ALLENBOUGH




Demoting "... the killer bees of Sue Monk" to second place, Kay's Chocolate for a Woman's Heart is next in line after I'm done with Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Italy was fun and funny. I am never a fan of India but I wanna see the kind of magic it makes for the many Elizabeths that walk this earth.

Thursday breakthroughs aside from a chili-sprinkled hot choc'late was Kay Allen Bough. Quietly tucked in that little wooden shelf. A place unnoticed and forgotten. But me, the curious cougar ;) was restlessly trying to pick on something ... anything ... while our order was taking a little longer (READ: forever) and Lia (who will be 8th the next day) was busy with free WIFI, and mother hen's hands were full with Venice. I excused myself from our table which suddenly turned into a messy kindergarten desk. I leaped in excitement when I spotted the already "torn and worn" little paperback. And just like a cougar ;), I jumped at all the 3 bookstores in Trinoma in less than 20 minutes. Nadah! ... the lady behind the counter made herself very very useful ... last copy at Fully Booked Eastwood :) ... she said.

CA finished it overnight. It's now with Yangers ... my influence on her ... getting her to read a decent book ;)


OUR CABIN




I called it my version of Jason's and Michael's. It was less romantic, but a good break from the usual confines (comforts AKA spoiled living) of a hotel room. The scent of fresh wood was wonderful. I loved its feel on my skin. I want to re-create something like that in my own bedroom. I mean ... second to the smell of baby powder (was tat from Bayo or Kamiseta?) ...

I come home late everyday. I was always missing the sunset. Almost caught it during check-in. It was too shy and too fast for me. It ran and hid behind a blanket of clouds just before I got my polaroid ready for a snap. :(


BLUE






It brought Yangers down. It got Jie exachanging numbers with "Alvin-The Man-with-the tight-fitting-black-trousers-and-the-bulges-from all-over" hahahah. It got me craving for one big pitcher --- i mean tat classic frozen tequila recipe w/blue curacao hahaha

Our first night, my first time @ Naga, Peñafrancia.


PASTEL AND PINK




No matter how trivial for as long as it makes me genuinely happy ... Saturday rained pink and pastel. Like a pair of "ouchless" wide-toothed jelly from Goody™, something (pink) Hanes ;) (jusz thin air between pink cotton and my bare chest ... i sooooo ohhh love the way it touches me!) and Pink Panther on my "little shugah" (cute di ba?)

FAIRY TALE




The harder I kisz, the toader he gets ... darn!

It was love at first sight. It was mass destruction of my budget. I didn't care!
I got pancakes, cheesecakes, and that magnetic kiss of "never-ending-after".



COUNTRY DINERS




Last stop on the way to airport yesterday afternoon. Mr Biggs ;). Everything else about it was lousy. Except the concept and the interiors. But since you couldn't eat jukeboxes and turn tables, not even old 45s :) ... I was hungry like a cow upon touch down at 6:29 PM.


FULL OF ROSES



Currently, happily, proudly standing atop our Christmas table. It was still 30 percent off last week.

My Okapi "full of red roses" topiary almost ready for Christmas.

MEADOWOODS




Touchdown just before 7 PM. As scheduled, I brought my GSIS clearance to old office. Thelms couldn't wait and left a bag for me for Mykee's gift. Manong guard was very accommodating. Thank you naman.

No traffic ... we were at Meadowoods just before 9 PM. Mom looked happy and healthy. Kiko was such a quiet, big boy.

I have always been a a fan of her artistic talent. We have always been conspirators in many many bargain and even expensive buying sprees for our respective houses. I miss so much coming home to her place, a dip on the pool just like old times, late night parties and all the perks :) ...

I miss coming to Bok's place so much ... I couldn't resist taking a picture or two of our favorite things around her house ...



Sophie was very happy with Tita Wenggay's peach wine glass. It now hangs beautifully side by side with my purple wine glass ... a gift also from Bok Wenggay.

MARTHA AND CHUCK



Hummmpp, manong tindero was a little less friendly ... his assistant was such an overkill, may be his first sale for the day at closing time hayyyy.

They've got to be expensive. May be in the very near future. My pair.

Meantime, on the way home from Meadowoods ... I got a pair of lovebirds ... yellow and with a touch blue.




MY "FRESH"




My office gave me an upgrade. Preps for up and coming "blueberry days" :). I now have a new number since last Friday ... and am sportin' a new tone.

The hardest thing is loving someone and then having the courage to let them love you back.

a wise man said, not once, but over and over ... "dapat laging contextual"

so uhhmmmm.... can i jusz say, i mean write my words down ...

"i do love you baby", and am sorry about that (disturbing your mind ... am kinda good at that)


"and me always misjudge you, and me sincerely sorry about tat, too." (of things, of words, of people ... they sorta mess up in my head).

So they say ... you don't deserve me. I deserve more. Better.

I'm a fairy. A black one (from time to time).
I deserve to be loved, too.
Even by you.

They say, you are selfish and incapable.
You deserve to be loved, too.
Even by me.

How do we fathom love.
The deserving becomes too proud.
The undeserving gets trap in a wheel of misfortune.

But since it is magic.
How do we explain how we fell.
And found each other,

So why not.
Why can't it be.
Opposite polls do.
Fall in love.

MArathon

It was Ca's treat. So I sorta splurged on my free dinner tonight. We did a little window shopping, and serious shopping, too. I got Nathaniel's (Ca's son) dinosaur as a post-birthday gift. I enjoyed Toys R' Us. I got my sweet quacks. Am getting addicted to rubber duckies ... sobra. I left Trinoma with a pair of denim wedge and a bargain switch cover from Saizen ;). We had fun, Ca and I, even when our window to all the things we wanted, dine, shop, chat, shop, shop :) was limited to 3 hours.

May be i needed a break, just thinking about my next two days make me feel so tired already. My sked is craZy. I think am doomed :(

Pick-up a note from HR from ol' office's for my GSIS retirement cheques :)
which I hope I can deposit to Sophie's bank account in Dasma later same day,
and hopefully check-out the CPU package so i can have a decent PC by weekend.
And ofcourse, I must first Fly to MOA with maweng Gigi to finally get that baby stroller for Von D _ _ _ _ _ n,
and honey glazed, too ;) hummmm
I have to get back to Cavite early to catch the bank and Asianic :(
I brought home paperworks, and I hate it!
Not to mention, I have to strictly watch my 13-hour fasting ...

... my 2nd blood test is due Wednesday morning.
Just after my Parent Teacher Conference at the Montessori.
Pay that unknown vintage furniture shop a visit, me craving for a home work station without looking like one hush hush
and the marker, too :(
I can pick all my results, blood text and 2D echo just before my
late afternoon date with Dr. Jason again :)
then back to paperworks again.

Am sure Id be dead tired before sundown :(

Button and ... the other side of the bed, two days overdue :( arrrgghhh

Thank God at Ramadan sa Friday. I'll have a much needed breather. Am about to lose my weekend next weekend. EMD's off to another far flung festival :(

So what's left to do ... but enjoy my new 10" rain shower, a glass of cold milk, a slice of pear and why not ... some home-cooked photography ;)

Fairy Grandmothers

They were half-sisters. I got lost in the story when everything was cut into halves. Theirs was a history of mixed marriages, may be it was the war, or man’s natural polygamy, the loneliness of widows and widowers, the angst and pride of machismo, or may be just plain and simple women being second class in her own home :(. I overheard (to the point of eavesdropping) these criss-crossing stories over family dinners, lazy Sundays, laundry days, sister bondings, some fights, birthdays, weddings, funerals. I was just a little girl. I thought that was the movies :) I grew up having the inability to relate to what I used to believe as sob stories. But since these conditions were for real at certain point in my family history, I hated myself sometimes for not taking it a little personal. But I’ve always been curious and fascinated … that explains the “dropping eaves” :(

I was firstborn. Thus privileged. It was an advantage point. They were still relatively young and healthy and still have the gift of years ahead of them.
She was a hardworking lady. Graceful. And educated, too. When women in the family were behind the stove, getting pregnant left and right, raising kids, finding paradise but not themselves :( … she was already working as an accountant in Manila. I have to say this in her honor, her DNA runs through to me, and every single cell that contributes to my natural intelligence, I owe to her (sensya naman sa Lolo Tatay, am sure, he’s all in agreement with me).

Five days she shuttled from Tanza to Escolta. On weekends, she has three different sewing machines, ranging from household to industrial. She made really beautiful quilted spreads, all by herself. I was tiny and I always sit in the middle of our 12-seater wooden dining table, facing her, keeping her company, all thought out the night until I doze off, until I feel her tired arms lifting me to bed. Ohhhhhh, there were so many stories.

We watched together long years of beauty pageants, Kahapon Lamang, Lovingly Yours, Annaliza, Flordeluna, Gulong ng Palad, John en Marsha, and many more as she crocheted, embroidered, quilted, stitched … either I was with my dolls or with my puzzles or with my books.

The Greatest Generation. I found their day-to-day outfits like "period movies" or me taking part in a Filipiniana costume ball or a participant in the usual Linggo ng Wika celeb :). Layers and layers of garments seemed too heavy and uncomfortable. But that picture on the boat, they all looked fresh, and light, and not a tinge of discomfort.

I was a child in amazement, each time she tells me of her struggles as a little girl trying to make her way to school. Hiding under the kitchen sink (to do her homework), kilometric walks because she was forbidden to get to her destination … I thought those were just “komiks” material … women being prohibited to get an education. But hell … she did get hers (with flying colors of course). I was already grown when I realized how easy life has been for me or to many of us in my generation. Good education in a silver platter. And the freedom to enjoy it (or even waste it, for some).

And the usual “Big Fish story” … I never felt terrorized, even if some of the stories were scary especially when you're just six years old. I guess, :), that explains my strong pursuit of the underworld, and my unwavering interest on horror stories/movies/ … not to mention that I grew up a sucker for horrific relationships (just a pun ;) )

I got starstruck with her rosters of clienteles. I adored her Manila office. Manila to me at that time was like Manhattan. She used to bring me there for shopping. Little SM … Shoeworld … would you believe it will grow and become a huge business empire? Old Escolta left alone to the memories of its glory days. I always loved Old Manila just like Old Cubao were the traditional Christmas displays in shopping windows of old COD was closed to magical, thus terribly missed, especially by the child in me. Too bad my own daughter was not able to bear witness of the splendor of these lovely , enchanting old things.

I was in college, when I used to ask her how it feels to be old and withered. To have all your hair silver gray. Your skin, dry, wrinkled and sagging. Not to have an office to go to anymore. And your friends, lovers … dead. She dismissed me like a child. One of our lambingan moments.

In her last days at the hospital, 3 years ago. I hardly left her side. I nursed her, slept with her, touched her face and kissed her cold forehead from time to time. Got teary-eyed each time I was looking at her as she sleeps. Knowing it was just a matter of time. I was working on Tita’s laptop when I asked her again that question, this time, she giggled like a child. I hugged her. And she kissed me back.

Third gen has 9 of us: me, Rosemarie, Eric, Lem, Jerome, Egay, Caroline, Franco and Jon Mark. She took care of all 9. Sophia Clarisse came. She took care of her, too. Her generosity, kindness and talent was extended to her calling me up from our townhouse in Moonwalk to CITEM ... guess what ... to remind me to take my pills ... tadahhhh ... my birth control pills. Because of that I never missed one. (My boyfriend then was not very happy about that :) ) But she knew, I had a difficult ... bordering to life threatening labor with Sophie, she and Mama, just didn't want me to go through that again. And that explains her calls, and her constant reminders :)

Sometimes I wish I could account in one story, all the many beautiful, wonderful things that she has been to me. I know it’s not possible at this time.

Old people in my life (when old means passed), when I remember them, it hurts not to have them around anymore. It reminds me that time catches up with everyone of us. That’s how it goes. It has been like that. It will always be that way.

Lola Charing (Lola Ewak to me) passed away early this morning. The youngest in the brood of Lola Meding (Lola Taba to me) The last to go. Lola Ewak and Lola Taba they were sisters ... half ... still sisters ... always sisters.

A generation closes. We will remember with a grateful heart.

For bringing my mother’s generation in this world. Henceforth, mine and Sophie’s.

Salamat po ng madami.

Who's Magdalene, Who's Beelzebub, Who's the cunning serpent, Who's the benevolent ghost, Who's the wicked poltergeist

1) California surfer :) ... but it's NYC that never sleeps
2) Computer Geek :) ... my lips are sealed ... I wish you well.
3) Jane Doe Bigeloo 163205112 ... "I was not Cum Laude for nothing!", remember ... this line, OED with Walter Dempster, texting you in the middle of pandering ;)
4) Seed net on a Sunday (nahhh such thing as coincidence)
5) Mosaic lookin' for someone's Multiply, landed here ... and is/are now (a) regular/s
6) kraMrI. The most famous search words in this universe of infinite.

Jusz when Anonymous is going ballistic again
Blogspot now has spam detection :-*
this gYpsy getting her peace back.

Reading is the other half of my mind game
You get what you read here.
It is what you deserve.
Depending on intentions,
a writer can be the best liar, on purpose.

Behind (your) blue eyes
is my iron hand.

I don't forgive easy.
I hold grudge.
I get mad.
I get even.

Come, near, honey,
I'll plant a kiss on your lips.