To my face!!!

this is what happens on a long lazy weekend ... i talk nonsense, i try poetry, and miss you.

http://loveblender.com/blend/wv.cgi?id=2013.10.26.10.48.31463

Dresden's Jenny writes of Dresden

making this really really quick ...

had a bad dream Thursday night.  i hope you and your brother are A-Okay, same goes to your entire fam.

supertitions have no reason for pragmatics like me.  but based on record, they usually appear in my dreams.  for somebody who doesnt dream that much.  for somebody who manipulates even her own dreams ha ha.

I dream.  Yes, I do.  And each time, something's there.  id be in church tomorrow morning, ill say a pray'r for you and the entire family :)

Must be your birthday coming through next month. I still have your number ... somewhere, in between notes, may be buried deep down YM, I can always ask CITEM peeps if i wanna make sure Im gonna dial the right one.  Who knows, I can drop you something like, "Happy birthday, Marky!" ....

... then my thought balloon blinking like your Irma's Bar ...

so last night, that dream and your memory got me playing your song again, from Marked files ...  I was really such a Jenny, huh.  But we both moved on alright ... I hope you are a better boyfriend now to your girlfriend (Wenggay says dont bore her even more arrghhh) ... and and me, I love someone else now (even when its from a distance. even when its not mutual. i can live with that.  i guess).

A grandmother's love ...

I remember this day at the hospital.  Polymedic's policy allows rooming in only when the mother is functional (at least the basics hehe) ... so i was impatient with myself, and concerned about the delay of breastfeeding my baby --- ive read about colostrum during my entire pregnancy and I was really committed to giving that to my newborn.   The long wait actually made me grouchy, everyone's scared that would trigger post partum LOL (but ive always have legendary mood swings all my life, within and outside pregnancy hahaha ... so there was really nothing spectacular with my hissy fits hehe) .  Mama's excitement made her a bit restless. But then  i had episiotomy during delivery, my perineal muscle was small and rigid, i was exhausted and my opening was taking time to expand so my OB had to cut through (and gladly did not forget to sew it back  arrgghhhhaaaaa) ... it was painful and so i was soooo scared to pee (in fact, until this day, its like a wound that freshens up especially when its colder).  the nurse had to resort in threatening  to put me into urinary catheterization if i still do not use the banyo hayyyy ...   after  24 hours ...  ROOMING IN hurrah!!!!  Catheter was unnecessary, colustrum delivered, our darling Sophie in Lola's sweet arms

*** *** ***

Glued on TV nights ... Soph and I ... we saw this new TVC of McDonald's ... reminded us of my her very young life with Lola Miles ...

In as far as I can remember, in my early 20s, she knowing how involved I was with my career and my travels,and my very looongggg engagement either put in abeyance or on its way to the back door ... my mother explicitly asked me only for 2 things... 1) to get  married   2) to give her an apo ... in that particular order :)

Partially, I was obedient.
I was pregnant at 26 (a condition that made me soooo happy and fulfilled as a woman :) ) ...  uhmmm but was not considering marriage (which shot up my mother's blood pressure to the highest level and was blatant in questioning my set of priorities and my moral values as an educated decent woman arrgghhhh) ... but the plot of this story is not about me and my controversial (at least according to my mother :) )  ways of  prioritization and my unconventional views towards marriage etc etc. My mother knows I've always been radical, as a child, a teenager, an adult .... she put up with that for 36 years :) ... oh well ...

So what does this TVC bring but good old memories of my daughter's childhood well spent with her grandmother.  Lola Miles and Sophie ... Sidekick talaga silang dalawa ... from Day 1 onwards till her last day.  Her last day, hinatid nya pa ang apo nya sa school bus ... Soph was 9 and in Grade 4 at the Montessori.  But the plot of this story is not about that heartbreaking day.  This is not about losses but all that was gained from a grandmother's love of her grandchild.

The last 9 years of my mother's life, and the 1st 9 years of my daughter's they were inseparable.  From NKP to grade school, field trips, school programs,  all Soph's bday celebs, christmases, new years, halloweens, pati flores de mayo ahahah,  Lola Miles was with her in her reading and writing  exercises, swimming lessons, piano lessons, ballet class, vacations in Pangasinan, Baguio, Tanza and Gensan, sa malls, sa resorts, sa Jollibee, sa Mexicali, at sempre pati sa McDo  Umaga hanggang gabi sila ang magkasamang mag-lola. Sa village namin, hindi ako kilala.  Pero silang mag-lola ... landmarks ahaha ... village icons  LOL .... I was Sophie's Mom and Mila's daughter :)

Too bad ... scanner's not working today in time for this entry.  But also not to overpower the TVC, and may be too because all those photos and memories deserve its own page in this journal ... they are just too many prints and imprints ... this mommy is proud to share soon.

Meantime, what can i say ... more than this TVC, but knowing how BIG BIG the LOVE of my Mama to my daughter ... and how beautiful and happy they were together ...  makes me wanna be a (rockstar) Nana, too  some day. ;)

fashionably sick :)

You know what's lovely about hospitals and work-ups  ...id get that chance to be wearin' all those pretty surgical masks I got from UP Manila :)

Lavender's posted in Instagram.  I'll show off Kidston really soon.  

Meantime, this is me;) tryin' on my Hello Kitty ... me gonna sport this one on my up and coming extraction this month.

bipolar trigger ;)

This unmade then made my day ;)

Another truce with the company doctor.  One of my many moratoria with their kinds LOL.  Well for one I know already what she was gonna say about my blood chem.  I deserve all the guilt and the flack for voluntarily giving up on my internist, maintenance meds and blood checks for  2 magnificent years.  So without too much thinking she ordered another round of blood tests ASAP, for hemoglobin and TFTs.
 You know what, if God would sentence me death for this intentional remiss, Id accept that with grace and humility.

Dr. See, my very soft spoken and kind cardio internist been telling me from the time it was detected that my condition will not get any better, most likely it will get worse to worst or depending on my level of obedience, i can stay at the border but only  for a limited period of time.  Ronnie died early 2011.  Ambet in 2009.  Ang mga kaibigan ko magkaka-singtigas kami ng ulo.  Ok, that kinda figures, I'm talking expanding our family memorial plot and St. Peter Life Plan right in front of me now.  Im not buying time on this one ... I'm a planning person.  By profession, I been training to plan impeccably.  Girl scout ako.  I always come prepared.  I get frustrated when I get caught off guard!  God gave me loud warning shots, i took heed for a time, then went dreamy, mushy, clumsy, messy, that was hell pain in the process, as expected i turned to myself --- my angry self up against my own vulnerable self.  My poor stubborn self.  Nakakainis na nakakaawa.  But it's done.  I put this upon me.  Im taking full responsibility.  

The bell struck another.  Round two.  On to my favorite portion of this medical carnival la la la la ... sanay na ako.  Behind those green iron curtains ... the private scrutiny of my long extinct lovelife.  And next to that ... being relative to my relationship status ... is my equally forever extinct sexlife.  Interesting!!!

You know, those days, you get rounded up, the typical screening, the usual suspect singled out, mugged shot,  face-slapped with reality and butt-kicked with humiliation, highlighted by a series good-as-curse- questions, capped by a kind words and very encouraging propositions.  Whew ... ama useless stubborn chunk of aging hard meat!!!

Kick-ass Doctor:  How old are you now?

Ol'-sluggish-and-piqued (close  to walking out her freakin' clinic) Me:  43

Kick-ass Doctor:  Have you given birth?

Ol'-sluggish-and-piqued (close  to walking out her freakin' clinic) Me:   Yes

Kick-ass Doctor:  How many kids do you have?

Ol'-sluggish-and-piqued (close  to walking out her freakin' clinic) Me:   One daughter

Kick-ass Doctor:  When was that?

Ol'-sluggish-and-piqued (close  to walking out her freakin' clinic) Me:   I went deja vu ...  i knew exactly where this discussion was going hayyy ... When was what?  --- yan ang exactong sagot, without thinking even LOL

Kick-ass Doctor:  When did you give birth to your daughter?

Ol'-sluggish-and-piqued (close  to walking out her freakin' clinic) Me:  (after my imaginary slapping of myself) --- woken up ... i said, oh ... 1997.

The World's Most Insensitive Kick-ass Doctor:  wow!  ang tagal na.  bakit isa lang?

Ol'-sluggish-and-piqued (nearing tears!!!!) Me:  me quick thinking and talking to myself, with my little lined eyes round and about to burst ... paksyet how the hell do i answer this question?  is this even a question?   ano bang pakialam nya??????!!!!!!  I wanna yell my answer to that question .... Family Planning eh bakit ba!
Pero gusto ko good karma ... I wanna be a nice witch today :) .... my best answer to a question like that is another question ... "can i still have a baby, doc?"  whoaaaa ... asaaaaaa ---- me flashing mah sweetest bestest smile with matchng twinkling eyes .... lmao

Kick-ass Doctor (now getting to her senses):  oo naman, you're only 43 ...  when was your last period?

so now we're talking ei ...

Ol'-sluggish-and-piqued (close  to walking out her freakin' clinic) Me: now wearin halo on my head ... uhhmmm last period,  uhmmmm may be  tomorrow or 2 days from now hehe

 Kick-ass Doctor (now im beginning to love):  ok ok ... kelan first period mo

(not so) Ol'-sluggish-and-piqued (no more walkin'out on heavenly white clinics) Me:  11 years old

The World's most lovable huggable  Kick-ass Doctor:  Pwede pwede ... normal birth?  Miscarriage?

Awesome Me clickin' heels (ha ha!):  Normal.  No miscarriage.

Ohhhh I love this doctor so much I wanna bring her home Kick-ass Doctor!!!:  Here.  She handed me my ovulation calendar in pastel colors hayyy, it sez ...

you're likely to be most fertile from friday october 25, 2013 to wednesday october 30, 2013. If you'd like a boy, your chances increase during the last 3 days of that period.  if you'd like a girl, your chances increase during the first 3 days of that period.  Test for pregnancy on november 08.

I-still-can-get-preggy-Glowing-in ecstasy Me:  i hugged her and thanked her and forgot all about how we've started in the wrong foot earlier ...:) ....

***

***the lights still on!!! that ray of hope, makes me happy, why not.
of course, it did make me swing on bipolar moods ... on and off LOL the whole time today.

makes me wanna post at Dognuts, how my day at the clinic went, and perhaps turn a little touchy with "may bes and what ifs" --- say may be if my marriage turned out like a little girl's dream, may be id be brandishing 6 kids in tow haha

but lights still on!!! for whatever good it may be .... the lights not off yet.  i am still a willing and able vessel. tadah ....

another swing  ... and so clearly i remember,  that chance i thought i had ... but was short, unreal and hurtful.

yet lights still on.  God's keeping the lights on.  It' still on.

:-)

Mellow

Im good at start-ups.  Better in mid-part.  Best in leavings.  But I’m good at starting all over.  Don’t you forget that.  

So a few  weeks ago I started packing up.  And was actually dreamy on taking that short vacay … short enough to be cut short … but what the heck I say. So dear me is all set to unpack.

Singapore and Dubai both still in the pipeline.  I’m not closing any door … I can go as fas as Mars J

BLESSON:  While I have the chance, this habit I have to break … you know, it’s not easy to pack, unpack, and again again.  Im  43.  ADHD is no excuse.  I have to resist the wind.  I have to settle down.   Not  that I need it, I do not wish to misconstrue myself … I’m not stuttering … I’m not nervous … I’m not mincing words … Im not taken aback … I’m just sayin’  I wanna do this.  Settle down.

my obsession for pasta and broken promises

dinner dating myself last Saturday night, 5th of October ...  and (still) thinking about you ... me ...  and whatever happened to us ... and that love we said will never die ... ...

pasta amatriciana, mexican hot chocolate with chili and cinnamon spikes!!!  and a piece of handmade paper with silly scribbles  in between a sheet of glass and hard wood.

(Somebody jusz got unblocked.) You're my Hero, Ms. Schatzi!

Destine Schatzi's* breakthrough.  Down with the Berlin Wall!


kids have grown (i hope not just physically, vertically and horizontally :),  ... but inside,  better, wiser,  ...  than us) ... what do we expect,  two years have passed (so now we actually have a total of 3 decades and a year and counting between us --- living separate lives)

I'm happy to see you and your family having a good time.  Bunso's all grown up.  Si Adi bigotilyo na :) Oh, well, time flies like a speed of light ... si Sophie nga college na, and trying to taste independence little by little.  A few years from now, Ill be on my own.  So I'm actually on training to be alone LOL ... ... What the heck.  It's the natural order of things.


as i always say ... 私はいつもあなたのハニーを愛しています。私はあなたが彼女と幸せになりたいと思います。私が望む... and lemme quote myself like a broken ol' 45 , posted publicly at the other side ...  in one of my cover photos, June 16, 2012 ...

" @Minnet  ... because ... for all the 3 decades that were lost, the wasted love, our separate lives, for all the sadness and the hurt, at least one of us has gotta to be happy, and find wisdom in all these, to put meaning of why this happened between two people professing love for each other … there’s gotta be reason for all these. He made his choice. He’s got to try to be happy with that. Or else, all these, but a useless exercise. Nobody deserves to wear unhappiness down the grave. That's why."

He'd better be happy.  He's got his family complete, what could be better than that.

Joel's boys.     I wish I could tell them how much I love their dad.  my cravings for their ol' man's jusz  too insanely obscene for minors. :) arrghhhh

a quiet week, and my life in calm
at least i know what i want.  and why i cant have it.








*the thing about having another Facebook account ... when he doesn't know it ... and he doesn't know it ... boom!  ... ayun o, we have a common friend ... si Pabs! lol