2. After last Monday, okay, I was wrong again. After last Monday, everything else was never the same again. Making my already rigid heart, stiffer. Tsk tsk, I don’t think there’s a cure for this. It gets worse by the day. I will die with it. (The good thing about this, is the fact, that I’m aware. And I don’t plan to put up any argument about it. Right or wrong. I am rigid. :))
3. Virgini’s bonding moments with Von Dresden :). Again, at least to people I care about, he’s somewhat nice. Isn’t that great! Though, she didn’t find his indecisiveness at work cute at all, she admitted she loved his ice cream haha and that confused little shy boy look when he lost his glasses (and found it). Salamat kay Duday! (…sana no, si Duday na lang ako ;) )
Tuesday scared me. JIT. MRT. :(
Wednesday. Richmonde memories. When I get reminded, I can’t help but smile. It could have been beautiful.
4. “Iggy’s House” is Soph’s 2nd Judy Blume cover. I got it last Thursday along with my much-needed book light from Trinoma’s Fully-Booked. Am really happy I got my daughter into reading. Such a feat
5. Sunny yellow. We brought her yellow chrysanthemum. On Wednesday (13th of October). It’s been 4 years. I wanted to cry on her grave and to tell her, how hard it has been for me without her. Carrying on all by myself. It was pretty difficult with the family, especially when I’m all alone. Sophie was with me so I couldn’t be emotional. Besides, it was one of those few times I was with my mother (and grandmother), and the reason I chose sunny yellow. I wanted a happy reunion.
I remember writing about mothers and fathers in their twilight years, and us, their kids, in our prime. Babies they used to bathe and cuddle, now taking charge. The sunset years, when they become less and less expendable. Less and less liquid. They stay home most of the time, take up hobbies their children probably would never understand. They start becoming sickly, vital organs failing. When they feel so guilty of being useless, I hope (but I failed, I must admit), I have made my aging, sickly mother realize what her usefulness was to a daughter she raised with great might and love, and later became a woman, an adult, too engrossed on how she would keep her parent alive each time she suffers a heart attack, became too focused on trying to make her life comfortable, overtaken by all these, us, their children, forget to tell them, how much we truly love and care for them, and all that we wanted was for them to have a longer lease in life, and enjoy life, until they breathe their last. That simple.
In her last years, my mother was penniless, she didn’t even live to enjoy her pension years. She was always sickly and it got worse by the day over the years, and that eventually killed her one day. It was a very imperfect situation. But I guess we … they all reach that point in our lives. But I wanted my mother, here with me, alive. I needed her for the inspiration she gave me day-to-day. My desire to wake up every morning, provide for her, bring her to the doctor, buy her maintenance meds, have some good time with Sophie, decorate the house, hang all her cross stitch works, or do a little shopping. Even all our fights, big or small. We wanted our parents to be around, no matter how much space they take up in our busylives. They inspire us , to live and come home everyday, and spend our lives with them, the few years there’s left.
I say this, for the readers, to enjoy life with parents, all gray and wrinkled. I swear, that space they are taking now will be a huge chunk of empty “nothing”, when they’re gone. And after that, there’s no better fit to take it’s part. Not your partner, not your own children, not even yourself. It’s that (now) empty space in our hearts that was just meant for mothers and fathers. It's been 4 years, and there's this hole in my heart that still aches for Mama.
I miss my mother so much. And I know that there is no cure for this kind of longing. I go to her grave each time and I feel so near to her again. Knowing I am just above her, and I know she’s happy having her only daughter around again.
me here cleaning up Mama's and Lola's marker.
6. So I had my little house all lighted up today. Christmas na sa bahay ko :). Honest, even Christmases, especially Christmases … never the same without Mama.
btw, on the right are my orange duckies chiming ;) ... on the left, Martha and Chuck celebratin' the colors ... over a gray horizon sun down.*** oooppps that was a weird buzz, a little rough memory on the timeline but not on some personal details at least no more dirty, cheap talks this time. as i always say,nice people i treat nicely. Good job!
No comments:
Post a Comment