Signed, sealed, delivered

Speeding away from office with tremors in my heart. Paid a complete stranger for something that I already know :( I actually call that masochism! Getting lost in Katipunan. Starbucks and Rustan’s. ‘Shook hands and mine was “yellow”, stiff and trembling. I immediately excused myself to get some comfort. I went and ordered my signature hot choc’late, tall. And one bottled water, cold. The weather was humid. The rain was a bit undecided. A fresh and crispy deck. “Excuse me, I don’t play poker. :) … but I do solitaire online from time to time :). The explains the handicap :)

Second person singular.

Your future and the good seed in you. A checklist of you. Those gifts. Your love for people, of people. It gives you both pleasure and pain. Your balanced judgment. Your organizational skills. Your brand of leadership a little out of the box :). Very very soon, you will have to say your piece. No matter what, say it anyway. It will pay off. You adore your pragmatism and hardly use your intuition. No need to strike a balance, just use the latter when you feel so close to it. A brief lesson on control and “self care”. (Not my turn yet, that night, that particular moment of the night, I was the world’s most attentive, jumpy listener whoooaaaa. My throat was running dry. Hiccups attack at its worst. :( Where was cigarette when I badly needed one :). )

Five.

Sophie can make a good lawyer if she wants to. Just make sure that she does not inherit her mother’s high dosage of pragmatism, and her mother’s inability to recognize and use her instincts.

Another child with the right person (cloud 9-the moment –feeling … I felt like a very useful, “children bearing kind of woman hahahah … that made me really really swoon). BTW, that person he calls “For Keeps”. :)

Positive. The culprit. Prying at your own circle. The walls have ears. You wear blue, the culprit, too. Hoping to outshine you. Take an extra precaution. It can’t kill you but it definitely can hurt you (and your closest of kith and kin). The culprit is reading you. Don't stop writing.

And yes, you can be with him but why, what for. You have already decided on this. For once, you used and followed your instincts. You knew then where it was heading. Romance, apologies, or all the sweet words are no good. They do not mean anything. You left because you know how it is going to end. This is a person who is neither half empty nor half full. But there is nothing there but an empty glass. Your intuition told you that 3 years ago, so you left. That is how it’s going to end. You know that from the beginning, since day 1 after that one summer night 6 years back. It was your intuition working that time you made those careful choices, those few times you used you intuition, even when you didn't know it, intuition was right.

… … … …

Nearing closing time … another attempt and an apology for my stubbornness and persistence. It was like a silent prayer, a covert wish … a talk, taking off where we left off, and forgiveness, friendship and new beginnings, sweet eventually :) … … …


and this was Rob's answer to that ...

… … a man with fire, ambitious, funny, fun. Your match. Your last. The One. You deserve. Very soon. New. When he comes to you, do give him a chance, will you?

You’re not alone. You’re not lonely. It is the sadness that’s been causing the nightmares. Sadness from being violated may be by some people you once called friends, and with the consent of that very person you still deeply care about.

The sadness will stop. Get your suitcase. You’re leaving again. Follow the wind. The wind is taking you.



Postscript*
I was on that train, on those tracks, at that escalator when I was closed to outburst, I tried to stop breathing for a moment, when i felt that black hole in my tummy again, and that familiar stab ripping off my chest.

... then the "man with fire" ... I can feel me smiling ... just like that, he already makes me smile ... that man with fire.