Honey Ko

I remember last night, after work, my train’s last and fast, a little rain, there was me slicing myself, tasting my own blood … I took those steps slower, heavier, anywhere but not home.

I was writing this, and slipping away ...

Not my balliwick. Not my favorite sport. Not an area of expertise, I have no proper training here. I lack the skills sets. This is definitely my waterloo. The mathematics of my life. Yes I remember too, saying that prayer, I was specific but missed on that. Who wants a giant airspace anyway getting in between two lives already spent apart for the last3 decades. I am afraid of that huge chunk of space. It looks to me like a battleground. My poor bullet riddled heart captive behind enemy lines. And that massive body of water, it feels like a sunken cemetery. My ugly carcass buried, decayed and forgotten. Funny, this certified claustrophobic now painfully suffers from agoraphobia, too. I’m afraid this time and space, and now silence and absence, will make narrow what used to be wide. Mind and understanding. Will make the once secured hearts unstable and jealous. Turn lofty plans into false promises. And this love to a pile of lies. Then we continue to walk this earth. Wearing a broken smile. All dolled up with fake happiness. Sleep around. Sleep alone. Embracing sadness and just waiting for our time to go. A beautiful memory of an innocent past thrashed. Mystic unraveled. Our flame dies in this lifetime.

Having said that ...

There are many things I hold sacred in this new lease.

Feelings. They are for real. Yes it was stagnant for a long time. But June 19 changed all that. After Sophie, this is the next best thing that ever happened to me in 14 years. It made me happy for real.

So real that it made me wanna risk again. I am placing my bet again. I’m betting on you. I gave up on this a long time ago. But I wanna make it with you again. That’s something else for an untrusting cynic like me.

Whatever outcome I get from this lease, I will try to find comfort and joy to that fact that you were mine at least for a time. You will always be that kind of love that takes a very special place in my heart. You will always be a beautiful memory. I want it to stay that way. I chose to keep it that way.

You are God’s blessing to me. God must have love me that much, He gave me you for the second time around. Having you back in my life feels so good, no matter how much complications and imperfections we are facing right now. I cannot foretell the future for us, sometimes the distance between us takes over the both of us, eats up the best in us, but each time I try to bring myself back to God’s cradle, and I am grateful again to Him for bringing us back together again.

We will never lose each other anymore. I will just be right here, exactly where you found me … I was just hoping may be just may be you could have stayed a little longer. Linger with me.

And nah, we didn’t go full throttle, and waited 30 years for nothing.

I’m not throwing all these away.