Motion to quash

(Picture this.)

A lazy afternoon. Haze is dusky and almost orange :(. The wires were burning. The questions like hot charcoal. Oceans part. But under one skye, just like what we always say.

It hits me. Missing Minyang. Feeling sorry how we kinda fell apart after what “did not” happen between us and her brother. The speaker’s phone on, and I was happy to be talking to her again. She was in between bubbly and cordial …and all I can say was, “hey girl … been a while huh … may Minyong ka na?” She bursted into laughters. I was closed to tears. Officially, okay na kami ni Herminia :)

He must have spent his entire paycheck for that phone call. Literally, parang naging chiharon ang tenga ko sa tagal ng kwentuhan. I was off from work. I slept the whole day. I went online to post my new number for all of high school to see and save and delete the old one issued by my current office. He called as soon as I flashed my new +917 …….

Kulang na lang beer, mahaba-habang usapan. He was so delighted to know I’ve been quitting (struggling) my vices. He’s proud of my little achievements. Patient with my lapses :). Worried about my sugar, that malfunctioning thyroid, osteophyte, rattling nerves, my inflamed heart (left side lang naman). I brushed it off with a joke, uhhhmmm, dude, am 41 next year, I am just degenerating a little ahead of you guys :). He didn’t like it, and complained that I never took anything he tells me seriously.

Silence.

In between yawns, he asked. What’s hardest for you now? I answered him with a question, “’kaw, what’s hardest for you now.” Gerry, he admires and despises my ability to put off something even temporarily. I have my way daw of “deadma” (a word he actually learned from me hehe) He can actually see daw my famous poker face from the phone receiver, as if something didn’t matter even when in fact it did. Sigh sigh sigh

His …

“not to be able to take care of someone you deeply care about” Para daw dry cough. Parang constipation. (Ewwwww this time he was crossing the line between gross and gory, when he knows perfectly well, I am never into toilet humor hahahaa.), It's a very frustrating situation. When you have so much to give. When you want so much to give. And you know that the other person deserves to receive some “taking care of”. But you just can't. It can't.

(…in my head, I was telling myself, may be, my best dude is now in love with someone, unfortunately, it's not feasible for him to express his intentions. Of course, I did not ask anymore. I did not want him to elaborate. I want him in peace. He deserves no less than that.)

Mine …

(Excuse me for my hiccups. :) (It’s getting late, it’s Wednesday tomorrow and I have work, my heart’s pounding demmet, and my head’s been twirling since I woke up Saturday morning arrggghhhh from my cabin's bed at CamSur.

… strong, serious, unbendable trust issues, this is my issue. And its kinda hard, especially for someone who’s been trusting (and loving it!) for the past 36 years of her life. “It’s always good to trust.” That used to be my my mantra. I used to tell this to my friends who were at one point of their lives at the brink of being faithless on people, on many things, on hope, on love, on their dreams, a good life.

Having stowed that principle for some time now, can you just imagine, how bad I feel about this significantly retrogressive change in my well-being.

My present inability and unwillingness to trust people and make it work. My suspicious, criminal mind. My endless questionings and doubts. My disbelief. The lack of inspiration. My incurable faithlessness. A scorned woman's calloused heart.

I admit, I miss that feeling of carefree abandon. The sincere innocence of giving myself away to the trustworthy and even to those not worth the trust. Genuine love. Authentic relationships. I do not like the person that I have become. I do not want this evolution. But the person that I was before needs this kind of transformation. This is my new religion.

I don’t know how to bring it back. I don’t know where to get it back. It felt like something inside me died. It is such an awful feeling. I am not sure if I really want it back. I am not sure if I am ready to give this away.

Not trusting anyone, is a personal pain and journey . But it is better, than, another person to hurt you back, This thought is selfish , I know. But whether you believe it or not … this is a fact, that cheers me up. Smacks a grin right on my face. I don't care. I need this.

It is always good to trust. But it’s always better to save yourself first.

Are you there, God? … I know You are. I am sure You’re reading this, I’m sure, I’m making you cry now ...

Should you want to make concessions, I don’t think I’m ready for that. I am old battered dog, I can’t re-learn a trick I have long given up. I’m sorry. My bad.

(The only spoken part of my share was not even one fourth of the written part. Submitting to my firm resolved. He was quiet during the spoken one fourth. And me, I do not wish to dwell on such taciturn, neither on his part nor mine.)