In my mailbox ...
Acerbic message.
I'd like to think, they meant well. But as you read along, it hits you, straight where it hurts the most, the next thing you know your eyes follows.
A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the
woman he loves. That's why he keeps on taking back the wife who's been shitting on his head. And treats the other woman like shit.
(I wanted to tell him about this. Cry to him may be over beer or two. Kahit on the phone lang or online. Ask him to re-assure me that those written words in my electronic mail ain't true ... and that what we have is for real, not easy but for real. And that one day we'll be together, like what we used to say to each other.
"Used to." Implied infinitive. Are two words meaning "taking place in the past but not continuing into the present". Like ...
We used to talk regularly, happily.
He used to check on me how I was doing, before and after work, when out with friends or just bumming around the house with Sophie. My daughter he used to call princess.
Those three words each time he tells me. I take them to bed always with a smile on my face.
I used to be a confident, generally happy, 41 year old.
I wanted to tell him all about this. I really do.
He used to be here with me, for me.
Used to.)
*something you can't even tell to any of closest friends and family ... it's bad enough that I got myself into this, it's even worse to hear that I'm stuck. I love him, it is my choice to endure this. They will never understand.
... my other garden ;)
About Me
- Irma
- I'm not a graceful person. I'm not a Sunday morning or a Friday sunset. I am a Tuesday 2AM, I am gunshots muffled by a few city blocks, I am a broken window during February. My bones crack on a nightly basis. I fall from elegance with a dull thud, and I apologize for my awkward sadness. I sometimes believe that I don't belong around people, that I belong to all the leap days that didn't happen. The way light and darkness mix under my skin has become a storm. You don't see the lightning, but you hear the echoes.
Virtual that‘s all he was.
ReplyDeleteThe term has been defined in philosophy as "that which is not real" but may display the salient qualities of the real. That’s why its dangerous and deceving, my dear girl.
There were clear signs. They were obvious. The funny thing was they all didn’t come unnoticed. The reluctance on your postings. The insensitivity of removing them. All the stories and the drama, here and there, you cannot verify. And the refusal to explain to you. And the many excuses he made. You’ve seen it all. You knew.
The messages he claimed he never received from you even if they’re all in your archive and conversation history. The messages he was “sorry” you never got even if he claimed to have sent them to you. Poor technical glitch, technology always take the blame for human nature’s hostility. C’mon, Irma you know better …
You never got them. Because he didn’t send you anything. He got your messages, and he ignored them. You’re too smart, Irma, not to know. But too blind, so you let it pass.
I salute you for standing by your man. For choosing to wait until his ready to talk about it. To continue to care for him. Even when you meant significantly little to him or nothing at all. That’s admirable. But that’s stupidity.
Irma, this is the picture in your head, puppy love crossing each others path after 30 years, damned that was a long time huh, still in love, fighting for their love, living happily ever after blah blah blah blah,. That’s a run-of-the mill cheap story. It would have been a great love story yes, if only it was mutual. If only he truly cared about you. This picture is fiction from the very beginning darling. A figment of your imagination. Quit it!
Listen up …
Here are the facts: He didn’t look for you. He didn’t wait for you. Your meeting was just a coincidence. He toyed with an idea. He could have sold it to anyone. Yes it could have been anyone else. Sadly the first person to buy that was a bright, happy, beautiful soul. A sad man would always want a bright happy beautiful woman smacked right there in his life, on his bed, by his side. Everybody is a sucker for a second chance. I will not let it pass myself. To finally have someone completely opposite of what he had for a wife.
Fact: Yes, could be, possibly, the first few hours, he thought he loved you. But that’s all that there was to it. He ‘s not ready for you. You’re too loving and that makes you fragile. He’s got no plans for you. And nah, he’s not coming home December, not April, not ever. He is not coming home for you. Not for you. Remember, the idea was just a toy. Especially adults, we don’t take toys seriously.
The message to you was rude, unfairly judgmental and criminal. To your daughter, abominable and heinous. No mercy. No amount of justification can rectify this. It does not deserve understanding and forgiveness.
I’m giving you a chance, my friend. To prove to me, that this man you met online truly cares about you and your kid. As a matter of factly, I only have three short words for a question, amidst your sadness for his “fading out”, your pain for the insensitivities … your daughter’s confusion, your heart break, in the middle of all these chaos … “Where is he?”
(Don’t think too much about your answer). This is a no brainer.
Did I burst your bubble? You will thank me for this in time. Irma, your story with this grade school boy is good for 2 months running only. I'm fed up! Go date that old New Yorker guy or that new boy from AES :), they're both single for God's sake, and won't cost no extra load. See you this weekend. Vodka nights. On me. Pag may luha akong nakita, itatapon kita sa creek ng Solar LOL.
ReplyDelete