one love

I. Saturday

… tiz blogger back to writing … pixietales blogspot and twitter almost left in the cold. Late afternoon after some cheap groceries, and yes again, missing my cardiologist for the nth time, that visit 3 months overdue darnnnn …. thank God a year of needles gave me the knack to read my own blood chemistry … blood sugar good ahuh … but my thyroid left for dead, cholesterol overshootin’ demmettt! So then lemme expect blood pressure risin’ again … but we don’t run out of Saturdays … God make me live another week, swear to You, I’ll have that much needed PEP talk with Dr. Sy come next Saturday … promise. And sowiii … I bet he’s is going to sue me for recklessly missing my medication. I swear too, to get back takin’ my salbutamol, thyrax and therabloc religiously ahuh :)

Today locked in my room. After another 48 hours of lack of sleep and food and H2O and meds … me getting up early … and posted and emailed and deactivated. I must say I had a pretty successful day. I left quietly. Not a single word for those I left behind. Except for that short time with Nanat at YM arrrghhhh …. When all he got to say was …. “hay love is so hard”.

… next scene … the garden. Carrots brought us bopis. After househelp cried SOS. A knock on my bedroom door … “Ate Sabado, magluluto ka ba?” “No I don’t have a menu. :(”. And locked myself back in. Sophie silent in her room. I asked her to stay away meantime, mom has a really bad case of sore eyes arrgghh. The lies adults weave when they break their hearts. And don’t make a stand for it.

Couszins. Si Jerome laging timing. He rings me up when something is going wrong. All Ate cay say was, “yeah not a good time, carry on, I can’t tell.” Next scene … tat garden scene with Car’line. Brew and smoke. Na low batt and IPOD. Pagtyagaan ang BB, and my limited playlist there … at least it has a better audio di ba. “Let me be.” That was all I could say.

In between, my officemate closest to me, si Ca … Super text … “ayus lang inom at iyak lang katapat nyan. Lunch out na lang tayo sa Monday, chelo kabab tayo. Treat kita. Ubusin mo na lahat lahat over the weekend. Ayoko na parang yesterday, ang tahi-tahimik mo tapos bangag naman mga mata mo. Lagi ka nakayuko sa table mo. Ayoko nun hindi ako sanay. Sana yung parang dati, you make all of us laugh with your dark sinister.” She ended her SMS with a LOL and a smiley." Syempre, I didn’t text back. I can’t make a promise I’m not sure I can keep.

Me … the theory person. For the nth time, me always hopin’, my theories proven wrong. I remember Rob from Starbucks Katipunan of Mysterium … that branch I missed aba eh near Rustan’s naman pala … pasensya naman, probinsyana ako eh, malay ko ba. Remember with Mark daw I finally followed my instinct even when I didn’t know … and I was right. Hard to do but the most right thing to do was stay away. And I was better off after that. But that was the rightest to do at that time. For a man, not half empty, not half full. Jusz empty. Rob giving me full credits for that instinctive decision.

So what’s this gut feel all about. Is it merely emotions and the mystery that envelopes those undefined sentiments … some mystique passion you can’t put your fingers on. Honestly, sincerely, painfully, I must say … reason and logic hover it, too. Gut feel requires a certain amount of intelligence. An intellect that does not disregard what the heart truthfully says. Sabi nga ni Tito Tony, my ruling body part are my eyes. Eyes … in between my brain and my heart. So then that is why, I have a very good judgment of things, people and circumstances. Even when I always always follow what my heart says … I can see, sense, feel the middle ground. The eyes they have a good full view of what the brains can't feel, and what the heart can't reason with.

So then there was this picture again … crystal clear :( … so clear but I tried to paint with beautiful add ons. Something so obvious I had to do some re-works. But re-works won’t do. True picture's too strong. Sometimes you have to accept that portrait as it is. No re-works … no-repainting … no adjustments … sweet talks are plain sweet, no good.

And hey, the reason why we have been missing it since time in memorial is blatantly because … the reason behind the insynchronicity is because … it was never meant to be from the beginning we breathed our first breath. Jusz a theory.

Me the witch who sees evil and curse evil… Me the fairy who appreciates the true the good and the beautiful and Me the gypsy who knows the best time to walk away …. And the butterfly who keeps Hope thriving in my heart.

What happens after Hope, we leave to God. Beyond us. God rules and over rules everything else.

II. Twins-a- flamin’

I’ll always be with you. Kasama mo ako lagi. You’re my twin flame partner. :)Nagkita nga tayo ulit after 30 years. Next lifetime, magkikita pa rin tayo.
Hindi ako nawala. Hindi ka nawala. Magkasama tayo lagi.

Baka nga we needed nore than 6 and 4 times to make it right. Baka nga next lifetime swak na. Your 7th. My 5th.

Next lifetime may be. I promise not to marry 10 years earlier than you. I promise to wait for you. And promise to take you when I find you the first time. I won’t care, whether I was just 11, and you were just 12. I’ll let you hold my hands longer. And won’t rush on graduation day.

Next time. I’ll see you then.

Sabi ko yun huh. Clairvoyance thinking. Lest we forget, there is a Supreme Being who rules over us. And can change everything between all of us now, yesterday, tomorrow, in a blink of an eye ... in a snap of a finger.

Butterfly hopes.

I truly,sincerely love you, honey ko. I so want you, us in this life span. And even in the next lifetimes to come.

Lemme cry, the hardest, painfullest, to God in a little while before I go to bed.